Monthly Archives: April 2018
Kimar: Well now that Mars is back to normal, it seems that I must bid you farewell Mike Check and Earth friends.
Jimdar: Wait?! Are you forgetting one thing Kimar? You are releasing Mike Check even after that earth cretin Kcufed my wife with his greezy Earthling hands?! Perhaps Mars would have been better off with STAN in charge!
Kimar: Jimdar! I really have had enough of this “anger” of yours! You are know angering me!
Jimdar: Well go Kcuf yourself (*punches Kimar and they get into a scuffle*)
Clairedar: Cease fighting! This was all the fault of myself. I was the Martian that tricked Mike Check into pleasuring my antenna. It is I that should be I facing any punishment.
Mike’s Daughter (*whispers to Mike Check*): You did what dad???
Mike Check (*whispers to back to his daughter*): How would I know that their antennas were used for that there darlin’?
Jimdar (*to Clairedar*): Of course! Just like you have let every male on Mars pleasure you antenna!
Clairedar: Negative. It was my intention with Mike Check to make you, as the Earthlings say, “jealous”.
Angry Jim (*comes out of unconsciousness and interrupts*): I don’t know who the **** you ***holes are, but I had lost my wife a year ago…when she moved all the way to the Canary Islands and never came back! I used to obsess all the time about how my wife was a two-timing whore who was sleepin’ with that Johnny Age ever since I tripped over a wet skateboard on my front porch. But now I’ve come to learn how to forgive and forget…I mean our tomorrows are not guaranteed, so you Martians should learn to be a little kinder to one another?
Mike’s daughter (*stunned*) Jim? What’s gotten into you? You’re so…positive right now?
Angry Jim: Ahhh, go **** yourselves! I’m already sick of this ****ing planet! And when are those other Depend…no…those three “Crapvengers” waking up so we can get our *** rocket ship home!?
Jimdar: This angry Earthing speaks logically. Clairedar, my apologies for my behavior. What can I do to keep you mine?
Clairedar: Why do you not request Checkdar to play me a song?
Jimdar: A song?! Negative! Such foolish noises—
Angry Jim: For **** sake! Why don’t ya pointy “Antenna Heads” just shut the **** up and play some **** ZZ Top!
Jimdar: This ZZ Top? I think I am enjoying their southern American style of Rock and/or Roll. Perhaps this “music” is not so vile after all. My gratitude Angry Jim.
Angry Jim: Why thank ya, and go **** yourself!
Jimdar: Negative! You go Kcuf yourself!
Mike Check (*interrupts*): Fellers! Fellers! Our job is done. So Doc, take us home would you there feller?
Doc Brown: Well Mike, there’s a slight problem, Khali’s spacecraft is destroyed and we cannot all fit in my Deloreoan—
Kimar: There’s no need for that. Allow me take you back in my personal Flying saucer.
Gaiedar: Wait! (*shouts and runs up to Mike Check*) Mike Check! Wait! Before you leave, I have a gift for you. But do not use it until you get back to Earth. (*slips something into Mike’s pocket*)…However, if you prefer to stay, I will allow you to slip a rocket shaped object of your own into my pocket, if you understand my meaning? Hga hga hga!
Mike Check: Ah, no thank you there feller. Kimar, please hurry and take us back NOW!
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Ahahhahaa! Yeeeeeeesssss! Wonderful! The King of Trolls STAN has been “DELETED” once and for all! Well my involvment has now concluded, so I will now teleport back to Cameron, North Carolina, on Earth. Doctor Brown and Martian citizens, please assist Meek Check and friends in returning back home as Vanguard One can only allow one extra being to be teleported with myself. Come “Khali: The Great”.
Mike Check: Why thank ya there Wookie Matt and before you go…Hooray for Khail Claus!
The Great Khali: ARGH-Blerpper-Eek-Pfft! Goodbye! Grrr-Pfft! (*Matt and Khali teleport away*)
Mike Check: Well it seems that everything is back to normal? Although I don’t think anything that’s happened this whole month could ever be considered normal there fellers?
Kimar: Mike Check, on behalf of the Planet Mars I apologize for all the inconveniences that you have experienced this month? How can I make it up to you?
Mike Check: Weell, that’s okay there feller. It’s all water under the bridge. This has been one heck of an adventure, let me tell you. But right now, I want to go home…to Earth that is.
Kimar: Affirmative, Mike Check. But it will be unfortunate that there is no Martian with your experience to play your Earth music here on Mars?
Checkdar: Weellll, although I should not since you tried to execute me Kimar, but I will offer my services to play music on Mars. Mike Check has taught me everything he knows and I will have my 8 year old whiz-kid daughter to assist me.
Mike’s Daughter: You have a daughter? Where is she?
Checkdar: She is currently performing her Martian studies.
Mike’s Daughter: Good. I just hope she doesn’t experience here like what we have on Earth which females call a “glass ceiling”? Because hopefully she won’t have to end up having to make money by dancing on a pole like m…I mean…like a friend I know.
Checkdar: I am not sure that your reference is understandable? Why would you have glass ceilings on Earth? To better observe the stars perhaps? And what type of employment would involve the use of a “pole”?
Mike’s Daughter: Uh…? (*tries to change the subject*) So Kimar. Are you making Checkdar a deejay or not?
Kimar: Affirmative. I will agree to make you, Checkdar, in charge of all radio duties. And I also apologize, you may be a fool at times, but this seems to be a task that I think that you will be well suited for.
Checkdar: Well as they say on Earth, ‘Please and Thank Ya’ there Kimar. Oh, and Mike Check, could I procure a what you call a “cowboy hat” from you?
Mike Check: Here, you can take mine. I have plenty at home there feller.
Checkdar: (*Puts on Mike’s cowboy hat*) Weelll know feelers! You can now call me the “Space Cowboy” here on…THE MACKET…I mean…MACKER!
Mike Check: See you don’t need me, you have a wonderful Martian “Mike Check” that will work well your own market.
Mike’s Daughter (*still in STAN’s clutches*): STAN! Let me go! This stupid eating my boobs fetish is just getting freakin’ sickening!
Mike Check: Sam! Just give up! You’re now just being a yellow-bellied sore loser there feller! Let my precious Pentuinia go!
STAN: WRONG! I’m not a loser! That Lordi song that you played last year was all wrong! And why do I have to keep telling you that my name’s not Sam?! See, you’re wrong again! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Kimar: Negative. Mike Check is factually correct. You have indeed lost. As leader of Mars I order you to surrender!
STAN: Never! This is for taking away my son! It’s lunch time! (*Stan opens is jaws wide*)
Mike’s Daughter: Help! Somebody do something?!
Mike Check: Doc! What do we do?!
Doc Brown: Great Scott! I’m sorry Mike? I’m all out of ideas?!
Khali: (*hobbles over and tosses a CD over to Mike Check*) Eepp Agh Aha!
Mike Check: This is no time for music there feller!
Doc Brown: No, Khali says this CD is “Jingle With Jillian”!…Eureka! This plan might just work?! But we need a CD player, quickly?!
Mike Check: But why? How?
Mike’s Daughter: Just do it!
Checkdar: Here, I have procured a device that will play your Compact Disk object.
Mike Check: Thanks there feller. I hope this plan works? Whatever it is?
Doc Brown: It will! Oh…and everyone block your ears this song is quite “heavy”!
(*Mike Check and Checkdar play the CD and put their fingers in their ears*)
STAN: (*Stops in his tracks, drops Mike’s Daughter and holds his ears in agony*) Aaaggghhhh! What is this?! Jillian Hall’s singing is so bad that even my evil I couldn’t have possibly powerful enough to invent this sh….?!
Mike’s Daughter: Quick! Turn up the volume! I think it’s working?!
(*Checkdar turns the volume up to 11 and it causes STAN to melt into the ground*)
STAN: Nooooo! I’m melting! I’m melting! Aaaagggghhhhh?!
Mike Check: Sam’s melted! I think we finally did it there fellers?! Now let’s find another song in celebration and “Pump Up The Volume” with MARRS here on…THE MACKER!
Mike Check: Fellers. It looks like we’ve finally got rid of that Sam once and—(*stops mid-sentence as he sees Damien wakes up from his weakened state*)
Mike’s Daughter: Looks like we still have a “little problem” to take care of?
Damien: Wrong! The only problem that needs….Wait?! What happened to my father?!
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Vile offspring of STAN, your father The King of Trolls has been “DELETED”!.
Damien: Nooooo! There is no way that you infidels could have defeated my father STAN: The Evil Troll Lord! But you won’t stop me as I plan to rule Mars myself! Now, Jimdar, I promise to keep my father’s word to you to give you all the power and wealth you desire if you capture Mike’s daughter for me right now!
Clairdar: Do not do this Jimdar! Leave the Earth woman alone!
Jimdar: Shut your Kcufing mouth, woman! (*to Damien*) I will gladly comply with your demand as I consider this Earth woman as merely another whore like her father and my wife! (*Jimdar motions over to grab Mike’s daughter but instead kicks Damien in the testicles as hard as he can which launches Damien into outta space*)
Mike’s Daughter: Thank you ah…Jimdar? But how did you manage to do that without your foot catching fire.
Jimdar: It was no problem. The pig skinned objects that I kick in my Spaceball matches are at a much hotter in Temperature that of, as what you colloquially call, his “balls”! Did you know that I produce four down-touches in one particular match?
Mike’s Daughter: Spaceball? What’s…?
The Great Khali: (*shrinks back down to size and his scream interrupts Mike’s Daughter after he notices that STAN is still conscious*) Ahagghh! Noooooooo! Ahagghh!
“Woken” Matt Hardy: It seems that the vile King of Trolls has “WOKEN”?!
Doc Brown: Great Scott! The Explosive Space Modulator loaded with 1.1 Gigawatts of power should have done it?
Mike Check: Fascinating.
Mike’s Daughter: Dammit STAN! Why can’t you just die already?!
STAN: Have you got any more bright ideas there you puny mortals?! You think a puny rocket and chopping my down to size is gonna stop an Evil Troll Lord like me?! (*looks around*) Wait! Where’s my son Damien?!
Jimdar: It could be said that I have sent miniature Kcufing offspring of yours into deep space by kicking him in his “Spaceballs”!
STAN: Whaaat?! Noooooo! But I promised you power…! That’s it! If you want something done right you just have to do it yourself (*grabs Mike’s daughter*) Don’t come any closer or I’ll make lunch out of your Mike’s daughter’s boobies right now!
STAN: Oh! Heaven It! It looks like that I’ll need to take drastic action. “Broken” or “Woken” Matt Hardy or whatever your called now, you may have overpowered my son Damien, but not me! Why don’t you watch this little trick (*STAN grows 70 feet tall*)
Mike Check: Oh no?! Sam has become the size of Godzilla?!
Checkdar: Mike Check, what’s a Godzilla?
Mike’s daughter: It’s…never mind that now. Now what do we do?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: I do not know? Even my own ‘Woken Wisdom’ could not withstand a demon of such large stature on the battlefield?
The Great Khali: Inoch Chah!
Mike: Check: I’m not sure that I understand that reference there feller?
Mike’s daughter: Khali says that it’s personal and he wants to fight STAN, but how?
(*The Great Khali also grows 70 feet tall and stars fighting STAN*)
Mike’s Daughter: How the hell did he do that?
Doc Brown: I think I might know? The Great Khail has employed some ancient mystical Punjabi powers that only a very few humans can perform. One such ability is to grow 70 feet at command (*all, except Doc Brown, are confused*)…What? Am I the only one that has read about this?
(*The Great Khail and STAN have back and forth Godzilla battle, but STAN eventually gets the upper hand*)
Mike Check: I think Sam is gonna win if we don’t do something there fellers?
Mike’s daughter: We would require something the size of Khali’s rocket moving at a supersonic speed to take him down or something?
Kimar: Quick, Doctor Emmett Brown and Woken Matt Hardy, please assist me in launching The Great Khail’s spacecraft into STAN’s Abdomen?
Doc Brown: But even if we did that, I’m afraid that would not be enough power to take STAN out! For a being of that size, you’ll need a force of at least 1.1 Gigawatts of power to even make an effect!
Kimar: Checkdar, Jimdar! Retrieve the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
Doc Brown: The Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!? I’ve only read theories about a Martian doomsday device fueled by Maronium, a compound more potent than a Plutonium, but I never believed that it actually existed?
Kimar: Affirmative. It was developed for The Great Martian War but left unused.
Jimdar: Are you certain that we should equip the spacecraft with Space Modulator?! What a Kcufing waste of a good bomb!
Kimar: Make it so! Now!
(*Khali’s spacecraft is quickly equipt with the Space Modulator*)
Doc Brown: Great Scott?! How are we to fly the spacecraft without having to sacrifice one of our lives?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Ahhahahahaha! Yeeeeesssssss! Allow me to make use of my physic abilities to launch the spacecraft via auto-pilot into that vile King of Trolls. (*uses his powers to automatically launch the spacecraft into STAN and knocks him down unconscious*). Aaahhhhh yeeessss, King of Trolls! It seems that I have just procured a “Supersonic Rocket Ship”, ahahahahahha Yeeeessssss! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
Mike’s daughter: Really Doc Brown, you brought The Great Khali in a rocket to Mars to help us? But how is a 7 foot Indian with bad knees going to stop STAN?
The Great Khali: (*kicks down his spacecraft’s door*) AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!
STAN: My Mazi servants; Get him!
(*The Great Khali grabs the Mazi’s all by the head with his skillet sized hands and throws them all down*)
STAN: You fools! Damien do something!
Damien: Yes father. (*Damien employs his “shape-shifting” abilities and turns into a clone of the Great Khali and over powers him*)… Bwhahaha, I got him father!
(*All of a sudden, a beam of light appears out of nowhere and “Woken” Matt Hardy makes an entrance*)
(The Deletion Anthem by CFO$)
STAN: Who the heavens are you!?
“Woken” Matt Hardy”: Aahhhhhh! Yeeeeeessssss! I am, “Woken” Matt Hardy and I have teleported from my humble abode in Cameron, North Carolina, on the planet Earth, along with my loyal friend Vanguard One, to help save the radio disc man known as Meek Check.
Mike’s daughter: How did you know?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: You see woman with large mammary glands, ever since The Martians had imprisoned the beast they call STAN: The King Of Trolls into the “Zone of Phantasia”, it had caused the Owl Men of Anthem to change their tune and allowed me to “PROCURE” the full ownership over the “Broken Universe”…it also caused my wife Rebeca to create more joyous Tweets on the Media of Socialness…but that is another story. And now my “Broken Brilliance” and “Woken Wisdom” have been “RESTORED” and I have “WOKEN”! Yeeeesssss! And now, once again, I have the ability to communicate with the seven deities. But, in recent times, the seven deities have been in distress ever since the martian deity known as “Chochem”, the Sage of Mars, has been “DELETED” out of existence.
Mike’s daughter: Chochem was a deity?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Aaaahhhhh! Yeeeeeessssss! There are several deities contained around the Universe. And as revenge, the seven Earth deities have sent me to Mars to prepare the battlefield for “RAPTURE”!
STAN: Enough of this! Damien, Mazis, get him!
(*Damien and, the now conscious Mazis, let go of Khali and go after ‘Woken’ Matt Hardy. Woken Matt gives a high frequency gasp that causes the Mazis’ heads to explode and weakens Damien’s powers, also casing his shape-shifting abilities to fail*)
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Ahahahahha! yeeeessss! Your vile Mazi’s and your evil powers of metamorphism have just been “DELETED”! Ahahahahhaha! Yeeeeeesssss! Ahahahahahah!
Mike Check: Doc Brown is that you there feller?
Doc Brown: Yes, it’s Doctor Emmett Brown here. And STAN, I am going to put a stop to your shenanigans on Mars once and for all!
STAN: Really? You and what army?
Doc Brown: Army? Well I want you to meet a few friends that I brought along with me: C.S. Robocop, Angry Jim, Iron Mark Tyson, and The Midnight Rose. Or as I like to call then, the Crapvengers!
Angry Jim: I don’t want to be called that! Go **** yourselves! I wanted to be called “The Dependables”!
Doc Brown: JIIIIM there’s no time for that now! The fate of the world…I should I say galaxy, “depends” on it! …Or on second thought, perhaps your name is—
STAN: (*interrupts*) Crapvengers? Dependables? (*bursts out laughing*) I don’t know which name is worse? But what ever you’re called, you might as well be the “Misfits”, because that’s all you all are. But, I’d like to know how the heavens you “dumbasses”, now that’s a better name, even get here?
Doc Brown: Well, I’m glad you asked. In my travels to the future, I had discovered that the Martins had taken control of the Earth under the rule of STAN: The Evil Troll Lord, and in that time, I had also discovered that the Trolla Corporation were also secretly creating spacecrafts, from an abandoned underground Space-X laboratory, that would take man to as far as Mars. So when I had returned to the year 2018, I was supposed to arrive on the date March, 31 but there was a problem with my Delorean’s computer, which led me to arrive a few weeks too late. By that time my Delorean had broke down and I had also discovered that, not only had Mike Check been abducted, but so had his daughter. So I then gathered everyone that wanted to participate in assisting bringing them back home and saving the Earth. And Premier Blah had also gladly let me use his future rocket technology, that I brought back to modify the Delorean into a spacecraft, to get here.
STAN: That’s a nice little story Doc, but how are you going to stop me?
Angry Jim: Well, I’ll will whip you and your Mazi a***es like Government Mules!
Midnight Rose: You will say hello to my little friend, mang!
C.S. Robocop: Your move creep!
Iron Mark Tyson: I will punch you…(*all stare at him*)…What? What’s wrong with my catchphrase?
(*”The Crapvengers” charge at STAN and the Mazis but Damien uses his powers to knock them all out unconscious*)
Damien: Really? That was your army? I just took them all out myself and I’m just a kid?
STAN: Thank you son. Now my Mazi servants; take Doc Brown prisoner!
Doc Brown: I don’t think so. It seems that I had neglected to mention another minor detail STAN. I had a hunch that the probability of the chances of the “Crapvengers” in defeating you were minimal and they were merely a decoy. So I had also created a second spacecraft, which will arrive here very shortly, to carry a fifth individual to assist us. The Delorean, with the five of us, could not accommodate the large frame of this extra individual…(*the second spacecraft lands in the vicinity*)…and I think he’s just arrived!
STAN: No, it can’t be?!
Doc Brown: Yes, meet…The Great Khali!