Monthly Archives: June 2017

A Week In A Country Jail by Tom T. Hall

Mike’s Daughter: Dad! You’re back!…Although this is all thanks to those nerds from wrestlecrapradio.com and now we have to live with the reality that we are slaves to them once again…but I’m so happy, I don’t care! Perhaps I should invite Raging_Demons and even R.V.M Kai over for a little present for helping us (*winks*)?

Mike Check: Why thank ya there my precious Petunia. It was a tough time for ole Mike, but I’ve been through much worse situations before, let me tell you.

Mike’s Daughter: And I couldn’t believe how you manhandled The Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness II yesterday? So where the hell did you learn those moves?

Mike Check: Weelll there darlin’, you’d be surprised what type of survival skills you pick up while spending hard time in the slammer?

Mike’s Daughter: Oh, and speaking of that, what happened during your week or so in the New Folsom Prison? I’m sure that even our listeners are dying to know?

Mike Check: Weeelll! Let me tell you, it went a little something like this:

Mike’s Daughter: Dad? Are you sure that’s what happened? that sounds like…wait, let me check…(*does a Google Search*)… you just recited the lyrics to the song “A Week In A Country Jail” by Tom T. Hall?

Mike Check: Oh, yes? Sorry there I got a little confused? Weeelll? Oh, some angry inmate…I think he may have been a husband of a filly I shacked up with?…hit me over the head and I spent most of the time recovering in the infirmary. That’s maybe why my head still hurts a tad?

Mike’s Daughter: That’s it? I mean…I hope you’re okay dad?

Mike Check: Come to think of it, perhaps it not an inmate but the Warden? Oh yeah, the jailer’s wife may invited me for a special “conjugal visit”? She had the face of a frying pan but a man like me gets lonely and desperate after not seeing a woman for one whole day. But I used my fighting instincts from my boxing days as “Iron” Mike Check to fight off those guards, in which I was unsuccessful…but by the time I woke up from my concussion, they seemed really happy when they found out that Raggy_David was taking me back home.

Mike’s Daughter: …I wish I never asked?

Advertisements

Same Old Song And Dance by Aerosmith

Midnight Rose:…That old mang Colonel Sanders may had ruined my wedding moment…BUT HE’S SURE NOT GOING TO RUIN MY WEDDING! *grabs Mike’s Daughter by the arm*

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you doing?

Midnight Rose: Hey! Come on in here chica!

*In comes a member of the infamous “Rose Garden” Mr. Fitness II*

Midnight Rose: You she here my sweet pelican not only is Mr. Fitness II is one of the strongest and healthiest men in the world but he’s also an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church. Make up with the speedy wedding, come on!

Mr. Fitness II: If anyone who does not agree with this marriage let them speak nor or forever hold their peace.

Midnight Rose: Why did you have to–

???: Oh I can think of a few reasons!

*In walks Raging_Demons*

Midnight Rose: Where were you mang? You better have some stuff for my wedding mang!

Raging_Demons: Two things. One I am no longer your representative from wrestlecrapradio.com. And two I brought a wedding gift for the “bride”.

Mike’s Daughter: Oh you’re absolutely frea–

*In walks Mike Check*

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! Its Mike Check!

Mike Check: Weeelllll! I don’t like it when a feller treats my daughter there in the wrong way. Let her go or else I’ll do something that I might regret there.

Midnight Rose: OR what mang? What are you going to do there? You’re going to kick my ass?!? You’re 100 and tree years old! I dare you–AW!

*Mike Check throws dirt in The Midnight Rose’s face, then he follows it up with a gut punch, The Midnight Rose goes down. Mike Check then follows up with a swift kick in the crotch*

Mike Check: Leave before I have to do something you will regret there feller.

Midnight Rose (cringing from the dirt in his eyes in the pain): AW! OW! You interfered in my business once too many times there MANG! OW!

*Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness II scurry off*

Raging_Demons: And you owe me 50 bucks for the Lyft Ride!

Mike’s Daughter: But! Why? How!

Raging_Demons: Easy there Chief Jay Strongbow. Let me explain. STAN was on this from the very beginning.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah I know.

Raging_Demons: No. From the VERY beginning. STAN framed you for embezzlement. He used that as a way to separate Mike from us at wrestlecrapradio.com. I didn’t notice it until we were trying to close your expense account. We had a sudden surge of money for no reason. I used PB’s elite investigators to hunt this down since your expense account was already messed with before. Someone we got into them and there was an evil aura around them. Using PB’s HP squad.

Mike’s Daughter: HP?

Raging_Demons: Harry Potter squad. Who knew that Harry Potter, D & D, and LARPing nerds as magicians can actually be useful? Anyways they detected that something evil was afoot and they directed me to STAN. STAN was in a great mood trolling Vince Russo and Jim Cornette as of late when I confronted him and found out about everything. STAN’s in deep trouble with us. He’s banned from everything from wrestlecrapradio.com. I had to correct the damage that STAN made so I went back to The Probation Board, showed my evidence, and…and–

Mike’s Daughter: What?

Raging_Demons: Mike Check’s back with us at wrestlecrapradio.com! *sob* And I’m back assigned to you two idiots! *cry*

Mike’s Daughter: Well if my dad is back that means…He’s under house arrest here with me at my home! And that means…

Mike Check: Its the “Same Old Song And Dance” by Aerosmith here on…THE MACKER!

Doc Brown: Mike quick, the universe needs–GREAT SCOTT!!! I stayed here too long. I got to leave before Triple H destroys The Ratings Reaper. Mike whatever you do, don’t play any music by The Satellite Sisters!

*Doc Brown takes off in The Delorean and disappear*

Dixie by Karen Elson with The Secret Sisters

*Doc Brown, Dixie and the Midnight Rose are all gathered at Mike Check’s house along with Mike’s Daughter*

Midnight Rose: Damn puto. He was supposed to help me out with everything and I get dropped off here by a Lyft ride of all things.

Doc Brown (whispering to Mike’s Daughter): Is this the guy that’s threatening to kill Mike Check if you don’t marry him?

Mike’s Daughter (whispering to Doc Brown) Unfortunately yes.

Midnight Rose: HEY! Don’t go whispering around me! *looks at Doc Brown* I don’t like you mang!

Doc Brown: Doctor Emmet L Brown, good to meet you sir. I can be very helpful to you. In fact I once help build a bomb for The Libyans.

Midnight Rose: Libyans huh? They were pretty bad back in the day mang. All right you can stay, but who’s the caucha gringa over there? *pointing to Dixie sticking her whole face in a quart of Dreyer’s Ice Cream*

Mike’s Daughter: Oh that’s Dixie. She’s not. Well.

Midnight Rose: Well. She smells and looks like money mang. I can use her.

*Midnight Rose is about to grab Dixie when all of a sudden a gun is pointed to the back of The Rose’s head.*

???: Feller. If you touch even one hair on my sweet buttercup you miserable low life I will give you an extra hole where you can breathe.

Midnight Rose: It’s okay, it’s okay. That’s cool mang. I’m just kidding.

Mike’s Daughter: Thanks for the rescue and all but who the hell are you?

Col. Bob Carter: My name is Robert Carter but my friends call me Colonel Bob Carter ma’am and its so impolite to hear from someone from the fairer sex to speak like that.

Mike’s Daughter: Colonel Bob Carter? Wait. You’re Dixie’s dad?! What Dixie said was true! You’re here to buy my dad’s radio station.

Col. Bob Carter: Oh heavens no! I’m here because I got the latest bill from that ice cream place and they said some driver had delivered my daughter some ice cream here. So I came here to pick my little buttercup up.

Mike’s Daughter: Good! Take her and leave.

Col. Bob Carter: But don’t you wanna hear how she got here?

Mike’s Daughter: Nope.

Col. Bob Carter: It’s a heart breaking tale?

Mike’s Daughter: Look Colonel Bob thank you for helping me out here with getting me out of my so-called wedding here but I need to get my dad out of jail soon.

Col. Bob Carter: Much obliged ma’am. Come on Dixie, Mommy made us some more of that peach jam and you know how much I like some of that peach jam with my breakfast?

Dixie: Oooohhh! But I wanna stay here daddy and run the radio station. Pretty please with sugah on top daddy?

Col. Bob Carter: Now look here buttercup, you know I won’t let you do any more business deals with my money ever since you asked to invest in TNA and that turned out not the investment that I wanted to do.

Dixie *pouts*: But daddy!

Col. Bob Carter: I got your Abyss teddy bear in the car.

Dixie: You brought Abyss! Yay! Daddy can A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe wrestle for the title for me?

Col. Bob Carter Why yes, they sure can there buttercup.

Dixie: YAY!

*Dixie and Col. Bob Carter leave before being stopped by Mike’s Daughter*

Mike’s Daughter: Wait! Colonel Bob! AJ Styles and Samoa Joe can’t be back in TNA?!?

Col. Bob Cater: Oh no ma’am. My daughter hasn’t been right in the noggin since that mean sports company let my daughter go and that foul husband of hers left her. She went mentally insane and thinks she still runs TNA.

Mike’s Daughter: Well that explains—WAIT! WHAT?!?

Heavy by Linkin Park ft. Kiiara

*Dixie is apparently still at Mike Check’s house, with Mike’s Daughter, and is in the background eating Ice Cream*

Dixie: *BURP* Oh my. *looks for more Ice Cream* I ran out, sugah! NO! Oh wait! *Dixie gets her 500 pound fat hands around her phone, presses an app and a Dreyer’s Ice Cream Van appears.*

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man (knocks on the open door): Got your ice cream for you Ms. Carter *drops off some cold-boxes filled with ice cream*

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell is this?

Dixie: My ice cream! YAY! A pretty please and a thank ya there sugah.

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: We usually don’t provide this type of service ma’am but since Ms. Carter has been recently buying a lot of our products here at Dreyer’s, we award her with free delivery–

*Sound of thunder comes from outside as The Delorean comes out of nowhere nearly hitting the ice cream truck as Doc Brown steps out of The Delorean*

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: What the Hell!?!? I think he almost hit my truck!

Mike’s Daughter: Doc Brown? Didn’t I see you last helping us out defeating the T-O’Mac?

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: The T-O What?!?

Doc Brown: Ah yes. The girl with the artificially enhanced chest.

Mike’s Daughter: They’re Natural! I had a late growth spurt!

Doc Brown: Where’s your father? Where’s Mike Check?

Mike’s Daughter: Dad’s in jail.

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! We must get your father out of jail and quickly! Time and space are collapsing at any moment and somehow Mike Check is the source of it all!

Mike’s Daughter: Woah Doc! That’s heavy.

Doc Brown: Why do you, Marty, and everybody whom I speak to has to say that and it doesn’t effect anything at all?!?

Mike’s Daughter: Its a figure of speech Doc, Geez! I hardly believe that my Dad causes the end of everything. He can barely remember anyone’s name. Even mine! AND its a simple name! Its–

Doc Brown: We need to get your father out of prison now! Where did they place him?

Mike’s Daughter: The cops said New Folsom Prison.

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! You must come with me at once!

Mike’s Daughter: Can’t Doc. I got a 500 pound woman in my home eating ice cream like there’s no tomorrow wanting an answer on if she wants to buy my Dad’s so-called radio station and what’s worse is I got this Scarface wannabe coming to MY HOME who I have to marry else he’s going to kill my father!

Doc Brown: Now that is, as you say, heavy.

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: And you two are god damn nuts! I’m outta here!

Tony’s Theme by Giorgio Moroder / I’m Hot Tonight by Elizabeth Daily

Mike’s Daughter (to herself): Dixie wants to spend money on us? I mean with that money I can use to get Dad out of jail but then again its Dixie of all people. Hrm…

*smartphone ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Hello?

Raging_Demons: Please hold for the men among men–

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you calling me for?!?

Raging_Demons: Please don’t interrupt. Please hold for the men among men, the man who is king among businessmen, the owner of “The Rose Garden” and–Do I have to say this part?!?

???: Yes Chico.

Raging_Demons (sighs): and…the man that gets all the pelicans wet. Say Hello to…The Midnight Rose!

Mike’s Daughter: OH NO!

Midnight Rose: Hah-hah! How are you doing there my pelican?

Mike’s Daughter: One of the people that I do not want to hear right now is YOU of all people!

Midnight Rose: AW! What’s da matter there chica? You have a sound in your voice like you haven’t been touched in a year? I personally don’t like to make my pelicans angry?

Mike’s Daughter: Angry? ANGRY! My Dad is currently in jail right now and who of all people call me?!? The man that spread ugly rumors about me “scarring his face” when he went down on me, the man that beat my Dad up not once but twice! Then you come to my home and THREATEN to kill my father!

Midnight Rose: I told you I was kidding there my sweet pelican…but you have my balls and my word that your “prickly pineapple” did scar my face for life mang.

Mike’s Daughter: Bullsh–

Midnight Rose: But I heard from…a friend of a friend that your papi was in jail so that’s why I called and I can get him out mang.

Mike’s Daughter: REALLY?!? What’s the catch?

Midnight Rose: You’ll be my wife!

Mike’s Daughter: HELL NO!

Midnight Rose: If you don’t be my wife then your papi might have a little accident in prison, with him dropping the soap? Let’s just say; his old culo is like a chicken waiting to be plucked!

Mike’s Daughter: All right! *sigh* I’ll…..Be your wife.

Midnight Rose: Oww!! I’m Hot Tonight! I’ll have my new lackey take me to you so we can be married.

The Man In Me By Goldy Locks

*Doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Uuuhhh….

*doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Can you chill with the noise?

*knocking on the door*

Mike’s Daughter Go away! I’m trying to sleep

Mike’s Daughter: OK! OK! I’m up! I’m up! You don’t have to play that god awful song! *Opens the door to reveal a 500-pound Dixie riding a Rascal scooter* Uh…Dixie. You look.

Dixie: Buff right sugah? *drinks an entire Milkshake in one shot*

Mike’s Daughter: More like. Well. I would say your more than the size of Yokozuna more than anything and he was not…well.

Dixie: Oh come on there sugah, *opens a quart of Dreyer’s Rocky Road Ice Cream* I know your jealous of lil’ ole me! *stuffs face in the quart*

Mike’s Daughter: More like sickened really. Why the hell are you even here in the first place?!?

Dixie: Like I told you when I last called sugah, I felt real bad about your money problems there so I wanna invest my money into your radio station there sugah.

Mike’s Daughter: Like I said the last time, didn’t your dad cut you off?

Dixie: *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s California Caramel Almond Crunch* Mmmrfh, Mmrfh-rfh.

Mike’s Daughter: What’s that?

Dixie: After? Daddy is willing to help me out. After. After *sob*

Mike’s Daughter: After?

Dixie (cries): SERGE LEFT ME!

Mike’s Daughter: AW! I should be sad but really–

Dixie: To use a naughty word that the youngin’s say, Fk That Owl! After Anthem Sports threw me out I went into a great depression so I decided to get back by working out–

Mike’s Daughter: You mean you started to drown your sorrows in ice cream?

Dixie: Daddy was going to help me out one more time to get me back on my lil’ ole feet… *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup* So he wanted to invest into your dad’s station. I wanted to tell you this sugah but…oh my, this is awful embarrassing… I lost my phone in a quart of Rum Raisin. Oh, now I’m makin’ ME blush. So how about it sugah?

Mike’s Daughter: Ah? Can I get back to you on that?

Rolling In The Deep by Adelle

Mike’s Daughter: Oh crap! There has been no music played since Dad went to jail! Where’s my music collection? *gets out a giant CD album and opens it*. Let’s see…*turns page* Nope…*turns page* AW! This Adelle CD will “play well in this market” as Dad would say. Playing “Rolling In The Deep” would be perfect. *opens cd player, puts cd in and closes cd player*. Well…*pushes a couple of buttons* play damn you! Play! *hits fist on console*

Mike’s Daughter: Um…That’s not “Rolling In The Deep”? Come on you! *pushes some more buttons* WORK!

Mike’s Daughter: I have various Doctorates and Master’s Degrees yet I can’t make this damn thing work!!! Come you! WORK! *kicks Mike Check’s radio console*

Mike’s Daughter: Manos The Hands of Fate?!? Well this is considered–NO! WORK YOU MOTHER F***ING PIECE OF CRAP!!! WORK!!! *grabs and tries to shake console*

Mike’s Daughter: Hey! They stole my idea! Now LOOK you piece of S**T! At the beginning Dad said he had a show I thought it was cute for awhile, he then asked for various junk pieces and I said sure why not entertain him since he’s under house arrest. Now DAD IS IN JAIL and all I need to do is to run THIS ADELLE CD and your not even doing it! WORK DAMN YOU! WORK!!! *slams fist on console*

Mike’s Daughter: GOD DAMN YOU!!!

*Mike’s Daughter grabs a baseball to smash Mike Check’s radio console in anger, but trips, head plants into the radio console, and falls unconscious*

Mike’s Daughter: Youuuu*snores*

%d bloggers like this: