Mike’s Daughter: Are we still on?
Mike Check: I think we are there darlin’?
Mike’s daughter: I thought we’d be cancelled by now, especially after yesterday’s Gay Popeye disaster?
Mike Check: Hold on?! Ain’t we supposed to be talking to the youngin’s right now?
Mike’s daughter: What’s the point. I’m not sure anyone’s even listening?
Mike Check: Perhaps some feller is after all?
Mike’s daughter (*picks up phone*): Hello, KMCR?
“The President”: Hello, I’m The President and I am putting you two back on the air. That’s not “Fake News”.
Mike’s daughter: Thank you Mr President, I guess? And I’m sorry about “that” movie—
“The President”: Oh, I’m still going to punish you for that movie, it’s true. By “Burning Down The House”…BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike Check: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
Mike’s daughter: Dad. The house is okay? He just played the Tom Jones cover of that song…but why?
“The President”: That’s because I am not who you think I am…I am…STAN (*cue lightning strike sound-effect*)
Mike Check: This is not time for Dr. Seuss stories there feller! And just so you know, I’m not gonna more than half price for that wall, no sir ree bob!
STAN: What wall? What are you taking about? It’s me STAN: “The Evil Troll Lord”. You know…you beat me in that song battle two years ago?
Mike Check: ???
STAN: I attempted to take over Mars and form a Martian army last year in order to take over the Earth?
Mike Check: ???
Mike’s daughter: The creep who wanted to eat my breasts!
Mike Check: Oh, THAT “SAM”. But why there feller?
STAN: This whole thing was just to troll you both. That’s what I do. Except this year it was just some harmless fun. I mean, that whole kids show you guys tried to pull all month; that was just “awful”…which is a good thing because the word…or should I say: “word of the day” (*laughs*)…sorry, the word “awful” means “brilliant” in my dark realm.
Mike’s daughter (*sarcastically*): Thanks, thanks a lot.
STAN: Oh, and maybe I should tell you? You never actually made that adult film about having relations with the President. I just payed some ugly blonde that looks like you to make that adult tape with Peter North. And I merely implanted those thoughts, that you did it, in your mind to make you paranoid and do exactly what “The President” wanted. Isn’t that great?
Mike’s Daughter: NO! You really had me feeling so disgusted with myself for no reason! I should have known “our President” wouldn’t have ever have ordered this show to become more P.C.? And I now feel so stupid for falling for it. So, will you stop bothering us now and let us continue The Mike Check Show as normal?
STAN: Very well. I hear Bray Wyatt stole your kids show idea and doing a better job at it than you both, anyway. And besides, Tam Sytch and Billy Graham need me right now…I wonder if I can get TAM to commit another DUI or possess “Silly” Billy to tweet Lio Rush to take Steroids?…Nah…that’s just too easy. Oh Goodbye…and worship THE STAN! BWHAHAHAHAHA! (*hangs up phone*)
Mike’s daughter: Grrrrr! Now you could say that I’ve been waiting all month to say this “word”, and it starts with the letter “F”!
Mike Check: Yep…Fascinating.
Mike Check: Halloween Hootenanny continues here on KMCR there fellers! And here’s…(*starts talking in a demonic voice*) FIRE!!!
Mike Check (*voice back to normal*): Aghhh! Fire!!! This song scared the hell out of ole Mike! Who possessed me to play this Arthur Brown song?
Mike’s Daughter: Don’t look at me? But…(*phone rings and she picks up phone*)…Hello KMCR, Mike’s Daughter speaking?
STAN “The Evil Troll Lord”: This is the new “God Of Hell Fire”; STAN—
Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Not you?! But…but you melted like the ‘wicked witch of the west’ back on Mars?!
STAN: Yes, but you do know that I’m an immortal being and have just spent the last 5 months regenerating.
Mike’s Daughter: Look STAN! Just stay away from us! You’ve given my dad and I so much trouble for the last couple of years! And you had to troll my dad again today with that “Fire” song!
STAN: Yes, but I heard you talk that “fake news” about me yesterday so I wanted to rib you guys for old time sake. I’m not really a bad guy, you know?
Mike’s Daughter: Not a “Bad guy”?! Back in April, you attempted to enslave the Martians to take over the Earth and…and…you kidnapped me to remove my two…(*cough*)…”enhancements”…so you could eat them?!?! I mean, WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!
STAN: Yes, sorry about that, I was just going through a strange hunger phase…well, I was locked up in the ‘Phantom Zone’ for 6 months, you know?
Mike’s Daughter: Hunger phase?! Well have a Snickers and go fu—
STAN: Hey! Ever since I’ve been trolling your dad, my life has been heaven, you know?! And by “heaven”, that means “hell” to you mortals! I mean…I lost my dear son Damien (*starts to sob*)
Mike’s Daughter: That’s not our damn fault!
STAN: I realize that now. That’s why I’m going to leave ‘The Mike Check Show’ alone and go back to what I do best, possessing wrestling personalities on social networking sites. Tammy…I mean “Tam” Sytch, and Superstar Billy Graham need my ‘fire and fury’.
Mike’s Daughter: Good. Whatever.
STAN: Well…this is awkward…soooo…oh, and worship the—
Mike’s Daughter (*hangs up phone before STAN finishes his sentence): Can you believe that crap, Dad?…Dad?…Where are you?
Mike Check (*cowering in the corner*): Is the fire over yet darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* Yes dad.
Mike Check: It’s time for Halloween Hootenanny 2018 there fellers! And for some reason we’re going to start things off by reminiscing about the time we beat SAM: The Evil Troll King in that musical contest during our Martian/7 Years Of Whackin’ special back in April by replaying the “The Greatest song in the world”. Whatever it was?
Mike’s Daughter: Dad! I think that you’re getting this year confused with last year? This year, thanks to The Great Khali, we made STAN melt to death with one of those god awful Jillian Hall Christmas songs.
Mike Check: Oh, so that was “The Greatest song in the world” that defeat him there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: God, No! Actually, the exact opposite!
Mike Check: So we didn’t defeat SAM? I’m confused?
Mike’s Daughter: No! What I meant was; this April, we beat him with a terrible song and it was in April 2017 when we played “the best song in world world to troll” STAN. Don’t you remember that Heavy metal song from Finland that R.V.M Kai sent us?
Mike Check: Hmmm, weelll I don’t quite remember what the title to that song was, so—
Mike’s Daughter: I do. It was “Devil Is A Lose—
Mike Check: Hush darlin’, you lost my train of thought…weelll, seeing that we have forgotten what that song was, instead here’s the “Tribute” to whatever that “Greatest song in the world” was, which may not sound anything like this song, by Tenacious D, here on…THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter: But I just tried to tell you what it was! *sigh*
Mike Check: So, weelll hello there my Earth fellers! Ole Mike is finally home; “Back To Earth” where I belong, and the galaxy is also safe once again. So in light of all that, here’s Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard back here on Earth’s KMCR…THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter: Hey dad, look at the Martian newspaper from the future that Doc Brown left us last October. You know how it read; “STAN IS THE NEW GOD OF MARS”…well look at it now?
(*The Newspaper headline fades and now reads “CHECKDAR IS OUR NEW GOD OF RADIO”*)
Mike Check: Welll, I’m so glad for that feller. That Checkdar was one fine egg let me tell—-
(*Mike is interrupted by police sirens outside and the police pull up to Mike’s door*)
Mike’s Daughter: Ah dad, I forgot to tell you. I had a visit from the police just after you were abducted a month ago and…long story short…we may have a minor issue with your parole violation.
Mike Check: Why don’t you worry there darlin’. (*opens the front door*)
Police Officer #1: Mr. Mike Check. You are under arrest for parole volioation, you need to come with us to the station right now.
Mike Check: Why hello there fellers, yes but why don’t you allow me to put on my sunglasses first (*Mike uses a “Neuralyzer” like in the film “Men In Black” and the police freeze momentarily*) Fellers, ole Mike was home this whole time…and I never went to Mars either.
Police Officer #2: Yes…you never left the house.
Police Officer #1: We’re leaving now.
(*The police leave*)
Mike’s daughter: Dad, where did you get that from? Is that a Neuralyzer like in “Men In Black”?
Mike Check: Don’t you remember there darlin’? This was what that Martian called Gaiedar slipped in my pocket before we left Mars. And you know by the smell of this thing…uh….let me just go in the kitchen throw this thing away and wash my hands.
Mike’s daughter: Whatever. You should use that Neuralyzer on me to forget all the craziness with the Martians and STAN wanting to use a silicone draining machine on me…I mean…what the hell was that all about?! But instead, let’s just play some Will Smith…I need to lie down.
Kimar: Well now that Mars is back to normal, it seems that I must bid you farewell Mike Check and Earth friends.
Jimdar: Wait?! Are you forgetting one thing Kimar? You are releasing Mike Check even after that earth cretin Kcufed my wife with his greezy Earthling hands?! Perhaps Mars would have been better off with STAN in charge!
Kimar: Jimdar! I really have had enough of this “anger” of yours! You are know angering me!
Jimdar: Well go Kcuf yourself (*punches Kimar and they get into a scuffle*)
Clairedar: Cease fighting! This was all the fault of myself. I was the Martian that tricked Mike Check into pleasuring my antenna. It is I that should be I facing any punishment.
Mike’s Daughter (*whispers to Mike Check*): You did what dad???
Mike Check (*whispers to back to his daughter*): How would I know that their antennas were used for that there darlin’?
Jimdar (*to Clairedar*): Of course! Just like you have let every male on Mars pleasure you antenna!
Clairedar: Negative. It was my intention with Mike Check to make you, as the Earthlings say, “jealous”.
Angry Jim (*comes out of unconsciousness and interrupts*): I don’t know who the **** you ***holes are, but I had lost my wife a year ago…when she moved all the way to the Canary Islands and never came back! I used to obsess all the time about how my wife was a two-timing whore who was sleepin’ with that Johnny Age ever since I tripped over a wet skateboard on my front porch. But now I’ve come to learn how to forgive and forget…I mean our tomorrows are not guaranteed, so you Martians should learn to be a little kinder to one another?
Mike’s daughter (*stunned*) Jim? What’s gotten into you? You’re so…positive right now?
Angry Jim: Ahhh, go **** yourselves! I’m already sick of this ****ing planet! And when are those other Depend…no…those three “Crapvengers” waking up so we can get our *** rocket ship home!?
Jimdar: This angry Earthing speaks logically. Clairedar, my apologies for my behavior. What can I do to keep you mine?
Clairedar: Why do you not request Checkdar to play me a song?
Jimdar: A song?! Negative! Such foolish noises—
Angry Jim: For **** sake! Why don’t ya pointy “Antenna Heads” just shut the **** up and play some **** ZZ Top!
Jimdar: This ZZ Top? I think I am enjoying their southern American style of Rock and/or Roll. Perhaps this “music” is not so vile after all. My gratitude Angry Jim.
Angry Jim: Why thank ya, and go **** yourself!
Jimdar: Negative! You go Kcuf yourself!
Mike Check (*interrupts*): Fellers! Fellers! Our job is done. So Doc, take us home would you there feller?
Doc Brown: Well Mike, there’s a slight problem, Khali’s spacecraft is destroyed and we cannot all fit in my Deloreoan—
Kimar: There’s no need for that. Allow me take you back in my personal Flying saucer.
Gaiedar: Wait! (*shouts and runs up to Mike Check*) Mike Check! Wait! Before you leave, I have a gift for you. But do not use it until you get back to Earth. (*slips something into Mike’s pocket*)…However, if you prefer to stay, I will allow you to slip a rocket shaped object of your own into my pocket, if you understand my meaning? Hga hga hga!
Mike Check: Ah, no thank you there feller. Kimar, please hurry and take us back NOW!
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Ahahhahaa! Yeeeeeeesssss! Wonderful! The King of Trolls STAN has been “DELETED” once and for all! Well my involvment has now concluded, so I will now teleport back to Cameron, North Carolina, on Earth. Doctor Brown and Martian citizens, please assist Meek Check and friends in returning back home as Vanguard One can only allow one extra being to be teleported with myself. Come “Khali: The Great”.
Mike Check: Why thank ya there Wookie Matt and before you go…Hooray for Khail Claus!
The Great Khali: ARGH-Blerpper-Eek-Pfft! Goodbye! Grrr-Pfft! (*Matt and Khali teleport away*)
Mike Check: Well it seems that everything is back to normal? Although I don’t think anything that’s happened this whole month could ever be considered normal there fellers?
Kimar: Mike Check, on behalf of the Planet Mars I apologize for all the inconveniences that you have experienced this month? How can I make it up to you?
Mike Check: Weell, that’s okay there feller. It’s all water under the bridge. This has been one heck of an adventure, let me tell you. But right now, I want to go home…to Earth that is.
Kimar: Affirmative, Mike Check. But it will be unfortunate that there is no Martian with your experience to play your Earth music here on Mars?
Checkdar: Weellll, although I should not since you tried to execute me Kimar, but I will offer my services to play music on Mars. Mike Check has taught me everything he knows and I will have my 8 year old whiz-kid daughter to assist me.
Mike’s Daughter: You have a daughter? Where is she?
Checkdar: She is currently performing her Martian studies.
Mike’s Daughter: Good. I just hope she doesn’t experience here like what we have on Earth which females call a “glass ceiling”? Because hopefully she won’t have to end up having to make money by dancing on a pole like m…I mean…like a friend I know.
Checkdar: I am not sure that your reference is understandable? Why would you have glass ceilings on Earth? To better observe the stars perhaps? And what type of employment would involve the use of a “pole”?
Mike’s Daughter: Uh…? (*tries to change the subject*) So Kimar. Are you making Checkdar a deejay or not?
Kimar: Affirmative. I will agree to make you, Checkdar, in charge of all radio duties. And I also apologize, you may be a fool at times, but this seems to be a task that I think that you will be well suited for.
Checkdar: Well as they say on Earth, ‘Please and Thank Ya’ there Kimar. Oh, and Mike Check, could I procure a what you call a “cowboy hat” from you?
Mike Check: Here, you can take mine. I have plenty at home there feller.
Checkdar: (*Puts on Mike’s cowboy hat*) Weelll know feelers! You can now call me the “Space Cowboy” here on…THE MACKET…I mean…MACKER!
Mike Check: See you don’t need me, you have a wonderful Martian “Mike Check” that will work well your own market.
Mike’s Daughter (*still in STAN’s clutches*): STAN! Let me go! This stupid eating my boobs fetish is just getting freakin’ sickening!
Mike Check: Sam! Just give up! You’re now just being a yellow-bellied sore loser there feller! Let my precious Pentuinia go!
STAN: WRONG! I’m not a loser! That Lordi song that you played last year was all wrong! And why do I have to keep telling you that my name’s not Sam?! See, you’re wrong again! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Kimar: Negative. Mike Check is factually correct. You have indeed lost. As leader of Mars I order you to surrender!
STAN: Never! This is for taking away my son! It’s lunch time! (*Stan opens is jaws wide*)
Mike’s Daughter: Help! Somebody do something?!
Mike Check: Doc! What do we do?!
Doc Brown: Great Scott! I’m sorry Mike? I’m all out of ideas?!
Khali: (*hobbles over and tosses a CD over to Mike Check*) Eepp Agh Aha!
Mike Check: This is no time for music there feller!
Doc Brown: No, Khali says this CD is “Jingle With Jillian”!…Eureka! This plan might just work?! But we need a CD player, quickly?!
Mike Check: But why? How?
Mike’s Daughter: Just do it!
Checkdar: Here, I have procured a device that will play your Compact Disk object.
Mike Check: Thanks there feller. I hope this plan works? Whatever it is?
Doc Brown: It will! Oh…and everyone block your ears this song is quite “heavy”!
(*Mike Check and Checkdar play the CD and put their fingers in their ears*)
STAN: (*Stops in his tracks, drops Mike’s Daughter and holds his ears in agony*) Aaaggghhhh! What is this?! Jillian Hall’s singing is so bad that even my evil I couldn’t have possibly powerful enough to invent this sh….?!
Mike’s Daughter: Quick! Turn up the volume! I think it’s working?!
(*Checkdar turns the volume up to 11 and it causes STAN to melt into the ground*)
STAN: Nooooo! I’m melting! I’m melting! Aaaagggghhhhh?!
Mike Check: Sam’s melted! I think we finally did it there fellers?! Now let’s find another song in celebration and “Pump Up The Volume” with MARRS here on…THE MACKER!