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Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Jillian Hall / Pump Up The Volume by MARRS

Well fellers! I hate to cut a long story short, cause peole tend to say that ole Mike rambles on and on and on? I don’t know why? But anyway, after Mars was invaded by Sam and his son Damien, we got a little help from the like of Doc Brown, The Great Collie, Bookie Matt, and so on. Well, this is how the story concluded:

Mike’s Daughter (*still in STAN’s clutches*): STAN! Let me go! This stupid eating my boobs fetish is just getting freakin’ sickening!

Mike Check: Sam! Just give up! You’re now just being a yellow-bellied sore loser there feller! Let my precious Pentuinia go!

STAN: WRONG! I’m not a loser! That Lordi song that you played last year was all wrong! And why do I have to keep telling you that my name’s not Sam?! See, you’re wrong again! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Kimar: Negative. Mike Check is factually correct. You have indeed lost. As leader of Mars I order you to surrender!

STAN: Never! This is for taking away my son! It’s lunch time! (*Stan opens is jaws wide*)

Mike’s Daughter: Help! Somebody do something?!

Mike Check: Doc! What do we do?!

Doc Brown: Great Scott! I’m sorry Mike? I’m all out of ideas?!

Khali: (*hobbles over and tosses a CD over to Mike Check*) Eepp Agh Aha!

Mike Check: This is no time for music there feller!

Doc Brown: No, Khali says this CD is “Jingle With Jillian”!…Eureka! This plan might just work?! But we need a CD player, quickly?!

Mike Check: But why? How?

Mike’s Daughter: Just do it!

Checkdar: Here, I have procured a device that will play your Compact Disk object.

Mike Check: Thanks there feller. I hope this plan works? Whatever it is?

Doc Brown: It will! Oh…and everyone block your ears this song is quite “heavy”!

(*Mike Check and Checkdar play the CD and put their fingers in their ears*)

STAN: (*Stops in his tracks, drops Mike’s Daughter and holds his ears in agony*) Aaaggghhhh! What is this?! Jillian Hall’s singing is so bad that even my evil I couldn’t have possibly powerful enough to invent this sh….?!

Mike’s Daughter: Quick! Turn up the volume! I think it’s working?!

(*Checkdar turns the volume up to 11 and it causes STAN to melt into the ground*)

STAN: Nooooo! I’m melting! I’m melting! Aaaagggghhhhh?!

Mike Check: Sam’s melted! I think we finally did it there fellers?! Now let’s find another song in celebration and “Pump Up The Volume” with MARRS here on…THE MACKER!

Intergalactic by Beastie Boys

Well a lot of things happened when ole Mike was on the planet Mars during our 7th Anniversary, such as working in a Martian radio station, and almost getting executed for accidentally sleeping with the Martian leader; “Kidar’s” wife…hey, how was I to know what those antennas on their heads are used for? But also Sam and his evil son Damien crash land on Mars and take it over. They also kidnapped my darlin’ daughter just so Sma could….well…it’s explained why here:

(*STAN’s son Damien and the three Mazi’s have captured Mike Check’s daughter and have brought her to Mars*)

Mike’s Daughter: Let me go, you slimy creeps! And what have you done with my father?!

Mike Check: Darlin?

Mike’s daughter: Dad! You’re alright?!

Mike Check: Yes there darlin’.

STAN: Oh, how touching. I’ll give you your opportunity to say any last words with each other before I get my Mazis to connect her to the Silicone draining machine. And don’t do anything smart, as my loyal Mazi servants will shoot you!

Mike’s daughter: (*runs over to hug her dad*) Dad! I’m okay, don’t worry about me!

Mike Check: But how did they capture you?

Mike’s Daughter: Well, that pip squeak Damien apparently has shape shifting abilities now and he had disguised himself as Doc Brown. He told me that he had come back from the future and had a flying saucer to take me to Mars to save you. I was stupid enough to believe him.

Mike Check: There There, It’s not your fault. And I don’t know why this SAM would kidnap you for silicone? You don’t have one ounce of silicone in your body?

Mike’s Daughter (*nervously folds here arms over her huge fake boobs*): Uh??? Yeah, I don’t understand it either dad?

STAN (*interrupts*): Okay, the family reunion is over. So, are you ready?

Mike’s Daughter: Okay, but before you torture me, will you at least tell me how you managed to escape the Phantom Zone?

STAN: Well basically, we were floating around space and happened to bump into another Phantom Zone that contained the three Mazi prisoners, who you know, and are now my loyal servants. Anyway, we all crashed landed here on top of Chochem, and the impact caused both Phantom Zones to Shatter, allowing us all to escape! Yes, it was that easy!

Kimar: Impossible. The Phantom Zone was designed by our finest scientists in our “Intergalactic Planetary” to be Indestructible?

STAN: Yeah, and that’s the same thing that you said about your stupid Robot, Torg 6? I guess they don’t make them like they used to, huh? Your Martian technology might as well be made by the damn Trolla Corporation?

Mike Check: Hey, the Trolla company’s has made some fine good products, let me tell you. Just ask Premier Blake (*winks*).

STAN: Whatever. But before I drain Mike’s Daughter’s “silicone”, let me tell you about my evil plan that I have in store. I will use you Martians as my army of slaves to fly a fleet of your flying saucers to invade the Earth, so I can finally take it over.

Kimar: Negative! No Martian will ever follow such a plan!

STAN: Really, not even if I turn you into Jimdar’s MMQ sauce making slave? (*to Jimdar*) I could help create your MMQ restaurant side business into an Universal empire, which will be more profitable than you have ever imagined?

Jimdar: Hmmm, that plan sounds tempting?

Kimar: What?!

Mike’s daughter (*interrupts*): You’re sick, STAN!

STAN: Yes, but lucky for you that you won’t have to see what will happen to the Earth because, let’s just say, that you will be the one that will be “sick” by then…and we will all “know about it” too. Now, my Mazi servants, take her away! And as for the rest of you Martians, as your new God, I command you invade—

(*voice from a distance*) Not so fast!

STAN: Oh?! Who is it now?! …Oh no, it’s Doc Brown?!

Chase The Devil by Max Romeo

As I was saying before fellers, ole Mike and my daughter beat Sam in his song battle during “6 Years Of Whackin'”, but during Halloween Hootenanny later that year, he and his son Damien attempted to come after us again. But fortunate for us, we had some unexpected help from some Martians, who would later become ole Mike’s friends.

STAN (*still possessing Triple H’s body*): There’s nothing on the whole planet earth-ah that can defeat me and my son Damien-ah! Now, stop delaying the inevitable and hand over your souls like you should have done seven months ago-ah!

Mike Check: Okay fellers, you win.

Mike’s Daughter: No! D–(*interrupted as she sees a huge beam of light outside the window*): Dad! There’s a huge object hovering above out house! Is it a UFO?

(*A Martian transports, Star Trek style, into Mike’s House*):

Kimar: Greetings Earthlings. I am Kimar, leader of the planet Mars.

Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Martians?! Look we’re sorry that we accidentally killed your people with that Slim Whitman song during Halloween Hootenanny last year, but we had an annoying Zombie problem and now we have a bit of a–

Kimar: Do not fear earth woman. The “so called” Martians that you had massacred, one of your earth years ago, were members of the Mazi rebel forces that we were fighting in the Great Martian War. Actually, we have come in gratitude for you helping us finding the method in defeating them with the unusual sound that you call “music”. You see, the rebels are a race that are hypersensitive to such sounds. Sounds in which have never been heard on my planet until our radio waves picked up an earth signal of something you call “The Mike Check Show”. Since the war ended, listening to “The Mike Check Show” has become the most popular pastime on Mars–

STAN: What has this story got to do with anything-ah? Now will you go away-ah! My son Damien and I-ah are trying to take over the Earth-ah!

Kimar: Ha Ha Ha. The Demon they call “STAN”; your evil powers are no match for my Martian Ray Gun. And that’s why we have come, we wish to display our Martian gratitude to the earthling they call “Mike Check” by assisting him in defeating his worst enemy.

Mike Check: So you fellers have killed Ringo Starr? It’s about time, let me tell you.

Kimar: Your Earthling sense of humor confuses me? No, we are here to take the Demon, you call STAN, prisoner!

Damien: You think my Dad is scared of your little pop gun? Why…(*Kimar shoots STAN*)…What the F–

(*STAN’s essence leaves Triple H’s Body*)

Triple H (*un-possessed*): What happened-ah? (*looks around*) Where the hell am I? This is not Stamford, Connecticut?!

(*Damien sets the top of Triple H’s head on fire and he runs out of Mike’s House screaming*)

STAN: If you think what my son just did to Triple H was “Hot”, now that you have just released me into my true form, not only can I now finally stop annoyingly saying “ah” after ever fricken sentence, I also now possess the full evil power to…(*STAN and Damien are enclosed in a glass prison like structure that rapidly shrinks*)…Wait?! What’s happening to me?! what are you doing to us?! Let us out!

Kimar: You have both just been imprisoned in a structure, we call “The Phantom Zone”, in which no force in the Galaxy can escape from. And to make sure that you can do no harm to these earthlings, we will transport you into deep space and leave you floating there for 1000 years.

Mike’s Daughter: Like something like General Zod in Superman II?

Kimar: I’m not sure who this Super General who you refer to?…But Farewell Mike Check and daughter. In five months we shall return for you (*points at Mike*).

Mike Check: Me?

Mike’s Daughter: But! Why?!

(*Kimar beams out, with STAN and Damien immediately, giving no reply*)

Mike’s Daughter: But!? But!? Ah, whatever? Just play a song.

Mike Check: Weeelll. Yes. And let’s end today with the appropriately titled song; “Chase The Devil” by Max Romeo, here on…THE MACKER!

Devil Is A Loser by Lordi

Well fellers! Did I ever tell you about the time when our 6th Anniversary was hijacked after Sam, who was a very evil demon at the time before his recent change in attitude, bought The Mike Check Show from right under our nose and then decided to let us have it back in a song battle? Well this was the winning song that my daughter, who I’m sure I’ve told you was one hell (no pun intended) of a whiz-kid, picked for us to beat Sam. Unfortunately, although we won the battle, this wouldn’t be the last time that we would feel his wrath:

STAN: So not even me or God knows what your name is, Mike’s Daughter, but what I do know is that this wildcard song of yours will fail just like the other 13 you and your dear ole dad have picked. Yes, some were good, others were weak, but it’s inevitable that you are going to be “looooosers”. So stop stalling and just give me your souls now already. There’s no song known to man that can troll me!

Mike’s Daughter: You’re gonna love…or should I say hate this one STAN. Each year in May one of the guys from…yes, I have to even give him creditwrestlecrapradio.com’s R.V.M Kai, sends us some songs from the Eurovision Song Contest. Not that I want to give out spoilers of what we are going to play or anything but there was a Heavy Metal band, of all things, from Finland that entered in 2006 and shocked everyone by winning with a song called “Hard Rock Hallelujah”…which we will hopefully play next month after we WIN this son…

STAN: Just get to the point! Now you’re rambling like your dad.

Mike’s Daughter: Sorry. My point is ‘Lordi’…

STAN: Stop! Lordi? Are you kidding me? But Scandinavian Heavy Metal bands all worship me! Haven’t you heard the pure evilness of the likes of “Mayhem”, a Black Metal band who like to burn down churches in their spare time? Oh Dammit, that’s who I could have played yesterday?!

Mike’s Daughter: Well it’s too late for that because today’s pick is appropriately titled; “Devil Is A Loser”.

Mike Check: Now that’s sounds like a winner right there here on…”6 Years Of Whackin’!”

STAN: Aggghhhh! They’re right! I am a loser, boo hoo hoo! Okay, you win! That song was no “Highway to Hell” but it did “troll” me good! Who would of thought that a Scandinavian Heavy Metal band who wear demonic costumes could troll me with a song like that?! Okay so your souls, along with “The Mike Check Show”, is yours…but not before I burn down your house!

Mike Check: NOOOOOOOOO!

STAN: Just kidding. Ha Ha, you should have seen your face. But in the words of Stewart Patrick: “I’m leaving now”…

Mike’s Daughter: Hey! Not so fast. You almost forgot about your promise to grant us one wish, remember?

STAN: Oh, very well. What is it?

Mike Daughter: Well hmmm, I don’t know? We still have some financial problems and then there’s the matter of my dad still being under house arrest, so…

Mike Check: Could you get us a copy of that Turtle Ninja Christmas CD that my daughter smashed with a hammer back in December? I think that was the only CD of it’s kind in existence and some feller call Premier Blake needs another copy.

Mike’s Daughter: No! Actually, we don’t need to worry about that anym…

STAN (*quickly interrupts*): Too Late. (*magically makes CD appear in Mike’s hands*) See ya later…oh and worship the devil. Bwhahahaha! (*disappears in a ball of flames*)

Mike’s Daughter: DAD!!! We could have been rich if you just shut…

(*Mike’s Daughter is distracted as their front door is kicked open by current TNA wrestler; Alberto El Patron.*)

Alberto El Patron (*grabs the CD from Mike’s hands*): I kill you Ninja Turtle for touching my wife, perro! (*throws the CD on the ground and shouts “Sí” each time he crushes it with his foot.)

Paige (*enters the house and nervously tries to pull Alberto away*) Alberto, stop it. It’s just a CD. You’re drunk again.

Alberto El Patron (*calms down*): Sí honey, I must have been possess by el Diabolo or sometheeng? Eh…sorry about that amigos. (*he and Paige walk out*)

Mike Check (*dumbfounded*): Fascinating?

Mike’s Daughter: But what the f…?! (*shouts at the ground and shakes her fist*) Stan! You just couldn’t resist one last prank could you! (*sigh*)…Well whatever. At least everything’s finally back to normal.

Space Truckin’ by Deep Purple

STAN: Well, I’ll be off then. My new strip club isn’t going to run on it’s own. So you still haven’t changed your mind about coming along for “the ride on my horn” Mike’s daughter? (*stares at Mike’s daughter’s eyes*)

Mike’s Daughter (*avoids eye contact with STAN*): Nope! And stop trying to use that eye/mind trick crap on me!

STAN: Very well. Come on, douche…I mean…Checkdar!

Checkdar: I do not comprehend your “douche” reference? Are you mispronouncing my name in the same manner as Mike Check mispronounces names of other Earthlings?

STAN (*sigh*): No, it was an insult. But never-mind that, I want to take you “space truckin'” to celebrate my new venture and we can leave these two imbeciles alone.

Checkdar: “Space Truckin'”? But an Earth truck would not be a sufficient vessel to return to my home planet of Mars. A Flying saucer would be required for that purpose?

Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar, what STAN means is that he wants to get “high”.

Checkdar: Indeed. My Saucer will indeed do that, but an Earth truck will not.

Mike’s Daughter: No, to be specific he want to go to around different place and do drugs with you.

Checkdar: What are “Drugs”?

STAN: You’ll see. They’re nothing harmful, have I ever lied to you before?

Checkdar: No—

Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar! No! Don’t go with him! Believe me, you’ll be better off go back to Mars….”alone”, before you make another blunder.

STAN: You always have to be the party pooper, Mike’s daughter? Very well, but don’t come to me begging for any money or favors. I know that you two losers could definitely use it.

Mike’s daughter: Whatever. Just leave us alone.

STAN: Farewell. Oh, but I’m still open if you want to beg me for se—

Mike’s daughter: Just Go!

(*STAN vanishes*)

Checkdar: I must also be leaving now, Mike Check and daughter. (*disappears into a beam of light*)

Mike Check: Farewell fellers! Well, on that note, I think it’s time to play—

(*Father James Mitchell and Su Yung appear out of a ball of flames*): Mike! I heard a rumor that STAN has returned from Mars? Was that lying devil here?

Mike Check: Yep. You just missed him there feller?

Father James Mitchell: Damn, it’s about Su Yung! After STAN left the Hell realm, she has turned “normal” and calling herself Susie?!

Su Yung: Hi. My name is Suzie. What’s your name?

Father James Mitchell: No Su, we haven’t got time for that now. (*to Mike*) If STAN is responsible for this and playing one of his ribs on me, he’s going to have hell to pay…literally! But I’ll be back! Bwhahahahah! (*He and Su disappear into a ball of flames*)

Mike Check: Fascinating. After that, it sure feels like ole Mike has been “Space Truckin'” with Deep Purple, here on…THE MACKER!

Venus And Mars/Rockshow Paul McCartney and Wings

Mike Check: So a running a nightclub on Mars—

Checkdar: “Ballroom”.

Mike Check: Sorry, running a “ballroom” on Mars (*chuckles*) was all you did there SAM?

STAN: No, that obviously failed, so Checkdar had another “bright idea” (*sarcasm*) of giving me something else to do. He somehow convinced me to co-host his radio show with him. And if that wasn’t enough torture…which felt weird, because I’m usually the one that does the torturing…he wanted us both to have fake names so it would feel like one of Mike’s many failed radio progrems.

Mike Check: Hey feller, not all my radio progrems were failures, some were just short-lived due to contractual terms. Like the one…did I ever tell you fellers about the time I briefly worked—

STAN: Oh shut up Mike, this is supposed to about me. As I was saying, so Checkar and myself started a radio show called…It’s just embarrassing to say—

Checkdar: I will convey the name: Just as Mike Check adapts to a different alias on his every radio progream, it was decided that I, Checkdar would be renamed: “Mars Checkdar” and STAN would be known as “Stan Venus”…on the “The Venus and Mars Rockshow”!

Mike Check: I have to admit. That’s quite clever there feller.

Checkdar: My appreciation, Mike Check.

STAN: Bollocks! Those names were so cheesy and horrible that I almost vomited like a human for the first time ever. But however, my “Stan Venus” name eventually started to grow on me. Actually, I might even use that name as my new “earth realm” rich playboy persona?

Mike’s Daughter: (*chuckles*) Stan Venus? That sounds like the worst porno name ever?

STAN: That’s the whole point. Since I’m finally going to what I always desired to do, that is: rich, popular and screwing lots of chicks, I need a gimmick name that no one will forget. But speaking of “porn”, (*stares into Mike’s daughter’s eyes*) would you “desire” to make a private one with me in my new penthouse?

Mike’s Daughter: Ye…I mean…NO! Ewww! You may have a handsome new look and a sexy British accent, but NO, not in a million years! And besides, I have a boyfriend now!

STAN (*starts laughing in disbelief*): YOU? A boyfriend? Or “one” of your “boyfriends”?

Mike’s Daughter: “Boy-friend”. His name is Laurence, and he’s in the Military, so he’d kick your—

STAN: Unlikely, but very well, now I’ve heard everything. And I’ve even heard Hitler down in Hell admit that his favorite wrestler is Bill Goldberg? Guess how many pineapples up his rectum it took to get him to admit that?

Mike Check: I’m not sure there feller? But what I am sure of is that Checkdar’s clever radio show name also happens to be the name of a “Paul McCartney and Wings” melody. So here’s “Venus And Mars/Rockshow”, here on…THE MACKER!

Ballrooms Of Mars by T. Rex

Mike’s daughter: So STAN, you talked about opening a strip club on Earth, but you still didn’t say a thing about what happened when Checkdar took you to Mars?

STAN: I would have got to that, but Mike interrupted me by playing another of his terrible songs. Oh and “speaking of terrible music”, I didn’t think there could be anyone that could play worse music than Mike until I met Checkdar.

Checkdar: My apologizes, STAN, I have much catching up to do when it comes to playing Earth’s music. Martians have only experienced such as sound only since Mike commenced this Mike Check Show.

STAN: Which brings me to what I did on Mars, well, other than dressing as Santa Claus and throwing hot coal at Martian Children—

Mike’s daughter: You did what?!

STAN: No, they liked it…but that’s not important. I also opened up a nightclub there…which their stupid leader Kimar, insisted on calling a “Ballroom” because it sounded more classy? Which I didn’t understand because none of those male Martians, who filled that “room”, had a “ball” between them?

Checkdar: I, once again do not compute this particular reference? Do all all Earth males have “balls”?

Mike Check: We sure do there feller. Two of them, in fact.

(*all chuckle, except Checkdar, who’s still perplexed*)

Checkdar: What is amusing?

STAN: It was a joke about…never mind. Let’s just get back to my point. So Checkdar, who was the only Martian that knew how to play music, thought it was a bright idea to play depressing sounding songs such as “Ballrooms Of Mars” by T. Rex?

Checkdar: What was incorrect with that particular choice?

STAN: You should have played something more…dance-able.

Checkdar: Was it NOT dance-able?

Mike Check: No feller, that’s a great tune but not dance-able.

Checkdar: As usual, I am suffering confusion. Mike Check, could I procure more input on your music playing?

Mike Check: Sure feller, just come with me.

(*As Mike Check and Checkdar go over to the music panel, Mike’s Daughter continues to talk to STAN*)

Mike’s daughter: Ok STAN, so does all this somehow have something to do with you wanting to run a strip club on Earth?

STAN: It kind of did, yes. Oh, and which reminds me; I’ve done many favors for you humans for cash by fulfilling their desires. So seeing that I’m now quite loaded, I would be pleased if you would come work for me as a stripper on Saturday nights? Just name your price. What is it that you desire? (*stares into Mike’s daughter’s eyes*)

Mike’s daughter (*hypnotized by STAN’s eyes*): Well, I, I–

STAN: Yes?

Mike’s daughter: I, ah…(*snaps out of her trance*) NO! There’s no money in the world that would make me want to ever work for you. Especially ever since what you tried to do to me a couple of years ago!

STAN: What? That mind trick usually works, but…? Oh, you’re still angry about me wanting to eat your breast implants thing? I thought you would have gotten over that “rib” (*points at her boobs*) by now?

Mike’s daughter: A rib!? What sort of sick fu—

(*As Mike’s daughter is yelling at STAN, Checkdar interrupts by prematurely play “Ballrooms Of Mars” by T. Rex*)

STAN: Oh, not this again!

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