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Little Green Men by Steve Vai

Mike Check: Darlin’, you had promised to bring along a special guest to teach these two Martians about Trick Or Treating for Halloween?

Mike’s Daughter: Wait just a minute, I need to summon him using the Seancetrolla…Okay here it goes…”Rowdy Roddy…Rowdy Roddy…Rowdy Roddy”.

Ghost of “Rowdy Roddy Piper”: (*appears*) I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all outta bubblegum! (*sees the two Martians; Checkdar and Jimdar*) You again!? Never throw stones at a man with a machine gun (*points shotgun at the Martians*)

Jimdar: You call that a gun?! THIS is a gun! (*points his Ray gun at Piper*)

Mike Check: Fellers! Fellers! Stop this! (*to Piper*) Roddy, these are the good Martians, not the Mazis that you were shooting at two years ago!…Although I’m not sure where I classify Jimdar?

Jimdar: Go Kcuf yourself, Mike Check’s daughter! Remember, I saved your posterior from that runt you call Damien, offspring of Stan, about 18 of your earth months ago!

Mike’s Daughter: Okay, Okay. Sorry, but I summoned Roddy Piper here for him teach you guys his Halloween Tips. So put your guns down.

Piper: Okay, so you want me to teach these “Little Green Men” about Trick Or treatin’?

Jimdar: I should use my boot to kick you in your posterior for making another untrue reference concerning my size?!

Piper: Ya know, this Jimdar guy is one nasty S.O.B…I think I like him already?! So okay, you know there’s a couple of rules you follow when it comes to Halloween, and these are the rules and ya gonna follow them cause Hot Rod said so.

Checkdar: Affirmative. Let, me write this down…

Jimdar: You don’t need to write this down you nincompoop!

Mike’s Daughter: Jimdar!…(*to Piper*) Go on Roddy.

Piper: Where was I? Oh first of all, when you go out there, you’re gonna wear something neon cause its dark!

Checkdar: Well that’s not a sufficient a tip, we are already neon green?

Jimdar: Neon is a brighter shade of green you imbecile!

Mike’s Daughter (*sigh*): This is gonna be a long week?!

Heart And Soul by Joy Division

Mike Check: You’re not going after my daughter there feller!

Father James Mitchell (chuckles): She’s your daughter?! Oh don’t make me laugh!

Mike’s Daughter: Yes, Mike Check is my dad! Trust me. There was a lot of paternity tests on it!

Mike Check: You’re not hurting my daughter and if means protecting Rosiemarie then I will!

Rosemary (lying on the floor gasping for air): You’re kidding US old man?

Mike Check: If my old boss is still the same he wants to hurt you so bad then he will do it!

Father James Mitchell: Listen Michael, do you know how much grief she put me through?

Mike Check: Nope, but what you’re doing right now, you shouldn’t do to a filly! Fillies are mostly for cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the man of the house!

Mike’s Daughter: Gee Dad, how misogynist of you.

Father James Mitchell: Quiet now whore! The adults are speaking!

Mike Check: Hey! My daughter is no whore!

Father James Mitchell: Bwhhahaha. That’s a good one, Michael. Bwhhahaha…Sorry , where was I? Oh, would you please let me kill Rosemary. Look, all I was doing is honoring my side of the deal. STAN wanted someone with a pure Heart and Soul, and Allie happened to walk right. Into. My lap. Allie was looking to save Rosemary from The Underworld and she offered me a great deal! So I offered her passage to The Underworld. What happened next is Rosemary got out and KILLED SU YUNG!

Mike Check: Well Rosemary did have help from Wookie Matt and The Boogeyman!

Mike’s Daughter: Dad! How many times did I say that The–

*Father James Mitchell shoots a magic bolt that barely misses Mike Check’s Daughter*

Father James Mitchell: Next time I won’t miss!

Mike’s Daughter: I’ll be good!

Father James Mitchell: Do you know how hard it would be to try and bring Su Yung’s soul back to this world?! It was a lot of hard work but Rosemary kept stopping at every turn! She even had SU Yung’s poor soul banished for good, and she even assaulted me Michael! SHE LAID HER HANDS ON ME!

(*”The Multifarious” Matt Hardy is teleported by Vanguard 1 into Mike Check’s living room*)

“Multifarious” Matt Hardy: Is that what I think it is? *Staring at The Cursed Dusty Rhodes Book that Father James Mitchell is holding*

Damaged Soul by Black Sabbath

Rosemary: WE have to go back to The Undead Realm!

Mike’s Daughter: This is STAN that we’re talking about here? He could be tricking you?

Rosemary: What you call STAN WE do know that when my father gets involved into something it tends go horribly wrong! Maybe WE can find a clue there.

*Rosemary throws the front door open and stands in her way is what looks like a drunken man that is dressed like The Pope, better known as The Anti-Pope*

Mike’s Daughter: AW! It that crazy drunk guy again!

The “Anti-Pope”: Mike Check!!! I have returned upon the prophecy written that the dead will rise again!

Mike Check: Is it the good dead, like my pet zombie Nathaniel, or the bad dead like that Su Yung?

Mike’s Daughter: Zombie Nathaniel wasn’t your pet zombie Dad!

The “Anti-Pope”: Mike Check! The dead will rise again and this damaged soul *points to Rosemary* is the cause of it all!

Rosemary: WE will be not doing anything like that!

Mike’s Daughter: Well except for raising Allie from the dead thing.

The “Anti-Pope”: She will be the death of us all!

Rosemary: Get out of OUR way old man or else you be screaming in pain soon which will be music to our ears!

The “Anti-Pope”: NO! You must be stopped!

Sympathy For The Devil by Motörhead

*phone ringing*

Rosemary: Do not answer it!

*phone ringing*

Mike Check: But I got to do it. Its my–

*The phone headset is magically picked up, the speaker is turned on*

STAN The Troll King: Uh my little fluffy bunny. What are you doing there?

Rosemary: Hello Father!

Mike’s Daughter: STAN’s your father?!? I thought Kevin Sullivan was your–

STAN: Don’t loudly mention his—

*A wooshing sound can be heard on the phone*

Kevin Sullivan: Hey Satan!

STAN (sighs): I told you Kevin I go by the name of STAN The Troll King! I’m trying to dodge legal action and here you go getting me in trouble!

Mike’s Daughter: I’m so confused.

STAN (sighs): Fine. WCW owned a piece of Hell for their Dungeon of Doom promos. When WCW went bankrupt Mr, “Gamesmaster” here decided to literally occupy Hell and he won’t leave *screaming at Kevin Sullivan* I have that spot reserved for Tammy Lynn Sytch!

Mike’s Daughter: I–

Stan: And I let people hire Kevin Sullivan to play me AND I can’t take it back because he has Cheatum The Evil One-Eyed Midget guarding his place!

Mike’s Daughter: I–

STAN (sighs): Because Cheatum bites ok?!  You expect me to get bitten by a rabid One-Eyed Midget?!? Now fluffy bunny what’s this I hear about getting that nasty old Dusty Rhodes book? Its a pretty dangerous book. Why don’t you forget that silly thing now?

Rosemary: No Father! You meddled into OUR relationshipw with Bunny. WE cannot forgive you for that!

STAN (stammering): Come on fluffy bunny! How about some sympathy for the devil here? Look. Why don’t we go, find Superstar Billy Graham and make him say racist and stupid things? What do you say fluffy-little-bunny-that’s-all-cute-and-fluffy?

Kevin Sullivan: Uh…Stan? We may have a problem?

STAN: What?

Kevin Sullivan: You know your hiding place where you had the book?


STAN (To Kevin Sullivan): Great! You told my daughter that I have the cursed Dusty Rhodes Book! Wait…Had?

Kevin Sullivan: I checked the hiding place where you placed the book. It’s missing!


*Phone clicks and floats down back on the table*

Burning Down The House by Tom Jones with The Cardigans

Mike’s Daughter: Are we still on?

Mike Check: I think we are there darlin’?

Mike’s daughter: I thought we’d be cancelled by now, especially after yesterday’s Gay Popeye disaster?

Mike Check: Hold on?! Ain’t we supposed to be talking to the youngin’s right now?

Mike’s daughter: What’s the point. I’m not sure anyone’s even listening?

(*phone rings*)

Mike Check: Perhaps some feller is after all?

Mike’s daughter (*picks up phone*): Hello, KMCR?

“The President”: Hello, I’m The President and I am putting you two back on the air. That’s not “Fake News”.

Mike’s daughter: Thank you Mr President, I guess? And I’m sorry about “that” movie—

“The President”: Oh, I’m still going to punish you for that movie, it’s true. By “Burning Down The House”…BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mike Check: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mike’s daughter: Dad. The house is okay? He just played the Tom Jones cover of that song…but why?

“The President”: That’s because I am not who you think I am…I am…STAN (*cue lightning strike sound-effect*)

Mike Check: This is not time for Dr. Seuss stories there feller! And just so you know, I’m not gonna more than half price for that wall, no sir ree bob!

STAN: What wall? What are you taking about? It’s me STAN: “The Evil Troll Lord”. You know…you beat me in that song battle two years ago?

Mike Check: ???

STAN: I attempted to take over Mars and form a Martian army last year in order to take over the Earth?

Mike Check: ???

Mike’s daughter: The creep who wanted to eat my breasts!

Mike Check: Oh, THAT “SAM”. But why there feller?

STAN: This whole thing was just to troll you both. That’s what I do. Except this year it was just some harmless fun. I mean, that whole kids show you guys tried to pull all month; that was just “awful”…which is a good thing because the word…or should I say: “word of the day” (*laughs*)…sorry, the word “awful” means “brilliant” in my dark realm.

Mike’s daughter (*sarcastically*): Thanks, thanks a lot.

STAN: Oh, and maybe I should tell you? You never actually made that adult film about having relations with the President. I just payed some ugly blonde that looks like you to make that adult tape with Peter North. And I merely implanted those thoughts, that you did it, in your mind to make you paranoid and do exactly what “The President” wanted. Isn’t that great?

Mike’s Daughter: NO! You really had me feeling so disgusted with myself for no reason! I should have known “our President” wouldn’t have ever have ordered this show to become more P.C.? And I now feel so stupid for falling for it. So, will you stop bothering us now and let us continue The Mike Check Show as normal?

STAN: Very well. I hear Bray Wyatt stole your kids show idea and doing a better job at it than you both, anyway. And besides, Tam Sytch and Billy Graham need me right now…I wonder if I can get TAM to commit another DUI or possess “Silly” Billy to tweet Lio Rush to take Steroids?…Nah…that’s just too easy. Oh Goodbye…and worship THE STAN! BWHAHAHAHAHA! (*hangs up phone*)

Mike’s daughter: Grrrrr! Now you could say that I’ve been waiting all month to say this “word”, and it starts with the letter “F”!

Mike Check: Yep…Fascinating.

Fire by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

Mike Check: Halloween Hootenanny continues here on KMCR there fellers! And here’s…(*starts talking in a demonic voice*) FIRE!!!

Mike Check (*voice back to normal*): Aghhh! Fire!!! This song scared the hell out of ole Mike! Who possessed me to play this Arthur Brown song?

Mike’s Daughter: Don’t look at me? But…(*phone rings and she picks up phone*)…Hello KMCR, Mike’s Daughter speaking?

STAN “The Evil Troll Lord”: This is the new “God Of Hell Fire”; STAN—

Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Not you?! But…but you melted like the ‘wicked witch of the west’ back on Mars?!

STAN: Yes, but you do know that I’m an immortal being and have just spent the last 5 months regenerating.

Mike’s Daughter: Look STAN! Just stay away from us! You’ve given my dad and I so much trouble for the last couple of years! And you had to troll my dad again today with that “Fire” song!

STAN: Yes, but I heard you talk that “fake news” about me yesterday so I wanted to rib you guys for old time sake. I’m not really a bad guy, you know?

Mike’s Daughter: Not a “Bad guy”?! Back in April, you attempted to enslave the Martians to take over the Earth and…and…you kidnapped me to remove my two…(*cough*)…”enhancements”…so you could eat them?!?! I mean, WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!

STAN: Yes, sorry about that, I was just going through a strange hunger phase…well, I was locked up in the ‘Phantom Zone’ for 6 months, you know?

Mike’s Daughter: Hunger phase?! Well have a Snickers and go fu—

STAN: Hey! Ever since I’ve been trolling your dad, my life has been heaven, you know?! And by “heaven”, that means “hell” to you mortals! I mean…I lost my dear son Damien (*starts to sob*)

Mike’s Daughter: That’s not our damn fault!

STAN: I realize that now. That’s why I’m going to leave ‘The Mike Check Show’ alone and go back to what I do best, possessing wrestling personalities on social networking sites. Tammy…I mean “Tam” Sytch, and Superstar Billy Graham need my ‘fire and fury’.

Mike’s Daughter: Good. Whatever.

STAN: Well…this is awkward…soooo…oh, and worship the—

Mike’s Daughter (*hangs up phone before STAN finishes his sentence): Can you believe that crap, Dad?…Dad?…Where are you?

Mike Check (*cowering in the corner*): Is the fire over yet darlin’?

Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* Yes dad.

Tribute by Tenacious D

Mike Check: It’s time for Halloween Hootenanny 2018 there fellers! And for some reason we’re going to start things off by reminiscing about the time we beat SAM: The Evil Troll King in that musical contest during our Martian/7 Years Of Whackin’ special back in April by replaying the “The Greatest song in the world”. Whatever it was?

Mike’s Daughter: Dad! I think that you’re getting this year confused with last year? This year, thanks to The Great Khali, we made STAN melt to death with one of those god awful Jillian Hall Christmas songs.

Mike Check: Oh, so that was “The Greatest song in the world” that defeat him there darlin’?

Mike’s Daughter: God, No! Actually, the exact opposite!

Mike Check: So we didn’t defeat SAM? I’m confused?

Mike’s Daughter: No! What I meant was; this April, we beat him with a terrible song and it was in April 2017 when we played “the best song in world world to troll” STAN. Don’t you remember that Heavy metal song from Finland that R.V.M Kai sent us?

Mike Check: Hmmm, weelll I don’t quite remember what the title to that song was, so—

Mike’s Daughter: I do. It was “Devil Is A Lose

Mike Check: Hush darlin’, you lost my train of thought…weelll, seeing that we have forgotten what that song was, instead here’s the “Tribute” to whatever that “Greatest song in the world” was, which may not sound anything like this song, by Tenacious D, here on…THE MACKER!

Mike’s Daughter: But I just tried to tell you what it was! *sigh*

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