Monthly Archives: April 2016
Foley: Thanks for joining us again for “Mike Check’s This Is Your Life” and I have some good news; ole Mike Check is back with his daughter for our big finale! Thankfully, his heart attack was only mild.
Mike Check: Eh. It’s nothing that ole Mike’s hasn’t been through before Rick.
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah dad’s probably had 50 heart attacks by now, 35 of which involved hookers, and…(*feels sick*) ewwww, I don’t want to talk about the awkward moments of getting him to the hospital…now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom hurling.
Foley: Ah? Well? While Mike’s daughter is off to possibly take a “Ringo” and wipe her “Starr”, speaking of that, also re-joining us is…
Ringo (*offended*): Very Funny Mick! Do you know who I am? I’m Ringo bloddy Starr! The biggest Rock n’ Roll legend to ever come from The Beatles! Not John! Not Paul! And forget George! I have not one but TWO plaques in the Hall Of Fame! And Mick, you dog’s bollocks, I should receive the honor of the tribute today or I’ll sue you!
Foley: I’m really starting to see why you hate this guy Mike.
Mike Check: I told you that it was a bad idea to bring this feller on.
Ringo: Silence! Why couldn’t you have just dropped dead Mike?! And (*distracted*)…what’s this John Wayne impersonator doing here?
Angry Jim: F*** YOURSELF! I DON’T KNOW EITHER?!
Foley: Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that good ol’ J.R. has also joined us for the finale and to also morn the loss of his Japanese cousin, Jimichiro Rosshu, who died in a tragic explosion two weeks ago. Oh, and I’m also sorry Jim that I didn’t tell you about that until now.
Angry Jim: F***!? JIMICHIRO WAS HERE AND DIED?! WELL I’M SORRY TOO MICK. SORRY I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO…STOMP A MUD-HOLE IN HIS ***! WHICH IS WHAT I MIGHT DO TO THIS BRITISH ****HEAD RINGO INSTEAD!
Ringo: Do that and I’ll sue you, but I’m told that you’re flat broke, so bugger off!….(*distracted again*) Wait! What’s that?!?!
Angry Jim: BY GAWD! IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN! WHAT’S THE BOOGEYMAN DOIN’ HERE?!
Mike Check: Oh no! I knew the Boogeyman is real and he’s coming to get me!
(*The Boogeyman shuffles over to Mike but turns his attention to Ringo*)
Ringo: “Back Off Boogaloo”! If you put your grubby hands on me I’ll sue you also!
The Boogeyman: Tick Tock, Tick Tock. (*smashes large clock on head*) DAH! BWAHAHAHAHA! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET YA!
Angry Jim (*doing commentary*): BY GAWD! THE BOOGEYMAN’S SMASHED THAT CLOCK RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD! AND BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP AS THE BOOGEYMAN IS NOW PICKING RINGO UP…AND OHHHH! HE’S GIVEN RINGO THE BOOGEYBOMB! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! …AND NOW THE BOOGEYMAN’S PICKIN’ UP RINGO AGAIN AND NOW MAKIN’ LIKE A TREE AND LEAVIN’ THE BUILDING! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE?!
Mike’s Daughter: (*walks back into the room*) Sorry, what did I miss?
Foley: The Boogeyman. Well like us, I guess you can say that The Boogeyman knew that Ringo was not a “beatle” but a giant “worm”.
Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman??? I didn’t see no…You’re all crazy!
Foley: Ah??? Well on that note, this is Mick Foley signing off and “Have a nice day”!
Mike Check: And see you tomorrow fellers.
Angry Jim: AND GO **** YOURSELVES!
Mike, Mike’s Daughter & Foley: JIIIIMMM!!!
Foley: I’m sorry to disappoint you Mike Check fans, but as you’ve heard, Mike suffered a heart attack and is now recovering in hospital. So he can’t be here on “This Is your Life” tonight. But he’ll hopefully return tomorrow because it would be a shame to cancel the big finale. But tonight, I’m joined by two guests; one who’s now “recovered” after Mark Tyson’s “attack”. Sorry, that was a bad pun. But I welcome back; Ringo Starr, who I hope has put his feud with Mike to the side since, like me, you must feel awful for what happened to him?
Ringo: (*laughs*) What are you babbling about Mick? The only thing that’s been awful, in my opinion, has been this show until yesterday.
Foley: Well your entitled to your opinion. But I’d like to introduce our 2nd guest, who I would have liked to have had on a couple of weeks ago, but due to scheduling conflicts…or should I say ‘people who make my Mankind persona look sane’ hijacking the show, she couldn’t join us until today. So without any further ado, it’s the co-star of my upcoming WWE Network show “Holy Foley” and she’s “Mr Foley’s baby girl”; it’s my daughter, Noelle Foley!
Foley: Yes it is, but have you said hello to Ringo Starr?
Noelle: Hello Mr Starr, I’m so happy to meet you. I’ve never listened to The Beatles that much since dad plays Christmas music constantly, but I hear good things.
Ringo: Quite. I’m also happy to meet you. And I’ve heard some good things from your father about you. But he didn’t mention that you were as ravishing as you look in person. Actually, did you know that we share a “favorite” thing?
Noelle: What’s that?
Ringo: (*stares lustfully at Noelle’s chestal region*) My favorite word is also “nipples”.
Noelle: What! (*slaps Ringo*) You jerk!
Foley: (*laughing in an angry manner*) Yeah that’s funny Ringo, for a moment there you’d think you were coming on to my daughter?
Ringo: Yes. Is that a problem?
Foley: Well that’s not a problem not for me but I know someone who does have a problem with that. Meet (*pulls a dirty sweat sock out of his pants and wears it on his hand*)….MISTER SOCKO!
(*Mick Foley gives Ringo the Mandible Claw*)
Noelle: Dad! No! Stop it! He’s just a jerk!
Foley (*releases the hold*): Sorry Noelle, I shouldn’t have “socked it to him”, but I just didn’t like the cut of his jib!
Noelle: No dad, I wanted you to stop so I could do this (*Takes Mr. Socko, wears it on her foot and then kicks Ringo in the testicles*).
Foley: Ha Ha Ha. That’s my girl! (*Mick and Noelle high five*) Ringo, you just felt the debut of Noelle’s finishing move: The “Socko Ball Kick”! Bang Bang!
Ringo: (*coughing*) That’s it! I will sue you! Mike Check! Your Daughter! His daughter! And everyone else here! I’m Ringo bloody Starr and I deserve respect! (*storms off*).
Foley: I hope that Mike’s okay and I don’t get us all in trouble for this when he comes back? But Ringo made this more personal than that time when “Sign Guy” wanted someone to cane your brother Dewey.
Foley: I’m terribly sorry Mike, I guess one of my other alter-egos ruined last night for you…again. I hope your jaw is feeling better today?
Mike Check: To say ole Mike is frowning would be an understatement there feller!
Foley: Well I might have the reputation of being a little thrifty, but how about on behalf of myself and “Dude Love”, I reimburse you for your broken windows and that mattress with interest. Oh and speaking of turning that frown upside down, this is long overdue, how about today ole Mikey bring you out some “female” entertainment. And this this young lady really wants to see you bad. She can do a trick with a dog that you won’t believe.
Mike Check: Well finally, now that really sounds good there feller. So which pretty filly do you have in mind?
Foley: Well Mike say hello to YURPLE THE CLOWN!
Mike Check: Aghh! Mick you fool! Didn’t you know that ole Mike’s terrified of clowns!
Foley: But all the world loves a clown Mike?
Mike Check: Not me feller! Keep her away from me!
Yurple: Hello Mikey, don’t be scared. I’ve come here to make you feel better. I have some balloons and some stickers for you…
Foley: See Mike, Yurple’s not here to scare you but to sing you a Judy Garland song to get over your sorrows and fears and to cheer you up. Hit it Yurple:
Yurple: “Be a Clown, Be A…
Mike Check: No! Stop it! (*Mike clutches chest*) Agh! I think ole Mike’s having a heart attack!
Foley: Mike, it might be just me because I’m still feeling the effects of my literal splitting headache from yesterday, but I think I hear our next guest arriving? Allow me go out back and see if he’s there.
Mike Check: I don’t hear anyone? Well, don’t be too long there feller.
(*unknown voice from behind the door*): Owh Mikey! It looks like you might need a little help my man with a special guest. I don’t blame you for being mad at that mutilated freak Mick Foley for breaking your windows, but it’s the hippest cat in the land; Dude Love, and I’ve come to save the day! Owh Have mercy! (*struts into the room*)
Mike Check: Dude who?? And where’s that Ricky Foley feller gone?
Dude Love: What’s the matter daddy-o, you don’t you recognize me? it’s me baby; Dude Love, my main man!
Mike Check: Wait, I remember you, you’re that Hippie feller who stole my darn mattress that time!
Dude Love: Well the dude needed something soft to land on after jumping off Danny Zucker’s roof and since I knew that you were the bees-knees of doing the “dudettes”, your King-sized mattress was just too groovy for my landing.
Mike Check: (*poking Dude Love in the chest*) Well you better pay me back there feller!
Dude Love: Well it seems that you want to kick my roody-toody-booty, but that’s not my bag baby. You see, the Dude’s a lover not a fighter. So “Have Mercy Baby” and don’t do what I think you’re thinking?
Mike Check: (*still poking Dude Love in the chest*) Yes I think I’m thinking what you’re think I’m thinking! What are you gonna do about it feller?!
(*Dude Love transforms into his other split personality “Mankind”*)
Minkind: HAVE A NICE DAY! (*gives Mike the Mandible Claw*)
Mike Check: (*gagging*)
Mankind/Foley: (Mankind transforms back into Mick Foley while still holding Mike in the Mandible Claw and stops immediately*) I’m sorry Mike, I don’t know what happened there? Did our guest arrive yet?
Mike Check: (*coughing*) I’m…not sure there?
Foley: Well since I’ve had to cancel the past weeks guests due to Sheriff Dickwell literally crashing our party and Ringo being out cold, I don’t have a guest planned Mike. So the chair next to me will be empty tonight…
Mike Check: That’s okay feller, I was hoping not to meet any more of your disastrous guests anyway.
Foley: Well that’s not exactly true because did a little tweeking to the line-up and what I would like to do right now is kick back, relax and interview one of the wildest men that the world of wrestling has ever known. So all the way from Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, say hello toooooo…”Cactus Jack”!
(*Foley transforms into his “Cactus Jack” alter ego and transforms back-and-forth throughout the interview*)
Mike Check: Where is he there feller?
Cactus Jack: I’m here. So you think this is some sort of joke Mick? Just like you thought that it was funny those times when you broke Mike’s windows in your youth?
Foley: Well ah…
Cactus Jack: Shut your mouth! You think Mike doesn’t realize that we both talk with the same mouth, walk with the same legs, and breathe with the same lungs? Yet there are distinct differences between the two of us Mick because you have no heart, no guts and no spine.
Foley: Hey, hold on hot shot. You’re talking to the man who lost an ear in a match against Vader in Germany.
Cactus Jack: No Mick! Are you suffering from “amnesia”? I’m the one that had that ear ripped right off. You’re the one who limps around the conventions, telling jokes and getting fat eating at Croce’s, you gluttonous son of a bitch! I’m sick and tired of you living off the reputation that my body wrote!
Foley: Wait, hold on…
Cactus Jack: Hey! I’m calling the shots around here! So this past week, you had a madman here with a 44 Magnum and a big-nosed Englishman threatening ole Mike here, and you know what you did? YOU DID NOTHING MICK! I wouldn’t have pointed the Sheriff toward that C-4, I would have surrounded it with barb-wire and DDT’d him right into it! I wouldn’t have waited for some “mark” to do a run-in, I would’ve blasted Gonzo with a barb-wire baseball bat! Oh sure, you got lucky by being the funny man, but the fact is; you lost the heart, the drive and the guts years ago!
Foley: But, that wasn’t my…
Cactus Jack: I said shut your mouth! (*starts punching himself in the forehead*) Shut it! Shut! Agh! Duh!
Mike Check: Whoa feller, calm down there. Words can’t explain what ole Mike’s witnessing now. Oh, I have one word…Fascinating.
Mick Foley: (*turns back into Foley permanently*) Sorry Mike. I guess I need to take more care when letting my split personalities out. Well seeing that “Mr. Bang Bang” didn’t work out so well, how about ole Mickey make it up to you with a little “Mr. Kiss Kiss” then (*jokingly puckers his lips at Mike*)?
Mike Check: No.
Foley: Well it seems that Mike Check’s son, Harry Dickwell is no longer with us after that C-4 explosion…
…(*record scratch sound effect*) so I guess that mess is over?
Ringo: Not so fast. Whilst I didn’t agree with the revenge tactics attempted by that mad copper Harry Dickwell. Where I come from, England, the use of guns are frowned upon. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still detest Mike Check and still have a score to settle with that old geezer. So right here and now, why don’t we let’s settle this the old fashioned way…Mano-e-mano.
Foley: What? So you’re going to fist fight an old man?
Mike Check: Don’t worry there Rick. Did I ever tell you about the time ole Mike was a Golden Gloves boxer back in the 40’s. My ring-name was “Iron” Mike Check, but I think another boxer later stole my nickname…but anyway, if it’s a fight this feller wants then it’s a fight he gets!
Foley: Ah but before that, I think it might be a good idea if we clear away those C-4 bombs and barbed-wire from that wrestling ring that I set up?
Ringo: Oh yes, very well.
(*several minutes later*)
Ringo: Now that’s done, stop your stalling and put up your dukes Mike…
Iron “Mark” Tyson: Heyyy, er, I was just looking through the window and sensed some egregious tension in the room.
Ringo: What now!? And who the heck are you?
Iron “Mark” Tyson: My name is Iron “Mark” Tyson and I was just in the neighborhood because I was curious to see The That’s Your Life Show because Check Mike’s THE MAN! So are you guys playing wrestling today? If you are, can I be The Rock? He’s a magnificent wrestler and movie star.
Foley: (*laughing and not taking Mark seriously*) Yeah sure, we can be the “Rock n’ Sock Connection” and that big-nosed guy wants to be Triple H.
Ringo: So now this pathetic Mike Tyson impersonator wants to play fight with me? I think I can beat him also?
Iron “Mark” Tyson (*to Ringo*): That’s ludicrous! And it’s preposterous that you want to be Triple H when he was defeated by The Rock’s cousin Roman Regins, who like The Rock, was cheered by everybody at “Wrestlemania Star”. And another thing; my name’s not Mike, it’s Mark you Jabroni!
Ringo: What in the heck is a Jabr…?
(*Mark Tyson knocks out Ringo with the Rock Bottom and Foley counts the pinfall*).
Iron “Mark” Tyson: I won, I won in 6 seconds! Just like how The Rock beat Erick Rowan at Wrestlemania! If ya smeeeeeellllll what “The Mark” is cooking!
Mike Check: Why thank ya there feller. But I don’t smell anything?
Iron “Mark” Tyson: That’s okay M…oh no! I better find John Cena before The Wyatt Family beats me up. (Mark Tyson runs out the door*)
Foley: (*sigh*) What a “MARK”?
Foley: Wait so you…sorry again, I shouldn’t use “pro-nouns”…”Sheriff Harry Dickwell” and “Sir Alec Heineken are here to shoot Mike Check in some revenge plot? Yes, maybe Mike didn’t do a great job in supporting your mother but isn’t this a little extreme?
Dickwell: Do you remember the elderly Englishman that handed Mike the cigar that caused the explosion at that Fireworks Factory? Well, he’s back!
Foley: Whoa Whoa Whoa, I’ve heard rumors that you, Sir Alec, hate ole Mike here, but you were RIGHT HERE on THIS IS YOUR LIFE as a guest only a couple of weeks ago and you were, surprisingly, one of the very few guests who actually didn’t attempt to kill Mike? It doesn’t make sense?
Mike Check: Yeah why, Sir Eric Heimlich? And…(*looks more closely at “Sir Alec”*) why does your face seem a little rubbery lookin’ there?
“Sir Alec”: OOOOhhhh old chap. That’s because….(*takes off his “Mission Impossible” style prosthetic mask*)
Foley: Ringo Starr?!? But how…why?
Ringo (*to Mike Check*): Why did I do it? Well I could have put aside all of your whinging the time you were my room-mate in England, but no no no, you wouldn’t stop there. You’d go back to America and portray me as “evil” to your radio listeners and started up all those rumours that I had Paul McCartney (*does finger quotes*) “replaced” with an imposter, etc. I knew you’d be foolish enough to light that cigar in front of a Fireworks Factory that night and it would have been poetic justice since it was you that always accused me of nicking your cigars. But two years later I find out that you were alive when I was contacted to present you, of all people, with a BBC award in London. So I disguised myself as a clown and followed you around near your hotel in the hope that you’d have a heart attack before the award ceremony even started, but you didn’t. And later at that ceremony, the coppers pulled us apart before I could get my hands on you. But now thanks to Foley inviting me here, it led this Dickwell bloke in contacting me so he could find you.
Foley: If I may interject Ringo; I have one important question…why did you disguise yourself as Sir Alec?
Ringo: That’s your “important question” Mick??? There was no reason behind that particular disguise, it was just a disguise. You Yanks read too much into things. And it was a mask of renowned actor; Sir Alec Guinness that I was sporting by the way, but I guess you Yanks don’t read too much to even know who that is?
(*the room is filled with confused silence*)
Dickwell: Gawddamnit! Enough of this Sir Bud Wiser crap! All you people need to concern yourself right now is this 44 Magnum pointing at ole Mike’s head!
Ringo: I must say Harry, aren’t you taking things a tad far with that pistol of yours? That wasn’t supposed to be part of the plan?
Dickwell: What “plan” did you have in mind? More “disguises” and Coyote/Road Runner style pranks, hoping that he’d drop dead by accident?!
Foley: Guys sorry to interrupt again and I know this may be none of my business, but if you’re going to do this, why don’t you do it over in the corner. I can’t stand the sight of blood, which is I know is ironic since I wrestled in many hardcore matches.
Dickwell: Fine, I’ll give you that. Where do you want me?
Foley: Over there by that barbed-wire roped wrestling ring that’s still setup from a week ago.
Dickwell (*walks over to the ring*): You mean over here…?
Ringo: No mate! There’s C-4 under…
Dickwell: C Wha….(*Sheriff Dickwell explodes*)?
Foley: Well I guess it seems inadvertently that…I shot the Sheriff! BANG BANG!