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Back Off Boogaloo by Ringo Starr

Still speaking of my “This Is your Life” special. That hack drummer Ringo Starr was still in attendance to bother ole Mike. Fortunately for yours truly, The Boogeyman made a return. And this time, it’s wasn’t to “come and get me”:

Foley: Thanks for joining us again for “Mike Check’s This Is Your Life” and I have some good news; ole Mike Check is back with his daughter for our big finale! Thankfully, his heart attack was only mild.

Mike Check: Eh. It’s nothing that ole Mike’s hasn’t been through before Rick.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah dad’s probably had 50 heart attacks by now, 35 of which involved hookers, and…(*feels sick*) ewwww, I don’t want to talk about the awkward moments of getting him to the hospital…now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom hurling.

Foley: Ah? Well? While Mike’s daughter is off to possibly take a “Ringo” and wipe her “Starr”, speaking of that, also re-joining us is…

Ringo (*offended*): Very Funny Mick! Do you know who I am? I’m Ringo bloddy Starr! The biggest Rock n’ Roll legend to ever come from The Beatles! Not John! Not Paul! And forget George! I have not one but TWO plaques in the Hall Of Fame! And Mick, you dog’s bollocks, I should receive the honor of the tribute today or I’ll sue you!

Foley: I’m really starting to see why you hate this guy Mike.

Mike Check: I told you that it was a bad idea to bring this feller on.

Ringo: Silence! Why couldn’t you have just dropped dead Mike?! And (*distracted*)…what’s this John Wayne impersonator doing here?

Angry Jim: F*** YOURSELF! I DON’T KNOW EITHER?!

Foley: Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that good ol’ J.R. has also joined us for the finale and to also morn the loss of his Japanese cousin, Jimichiro Rosshu, who died in a tragic explosion two weeks ago. Oh, and I’m also sorry Jim that I didn’t tell you about that until now.

Angry Jim: F***!? JIMICHIRO WAS HERE AND DIED?! WELL I’M SORRY TOO MICK. SORRY I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO…STOMP A MUD-HOLE IN HIS ***! WHICH IS WHAT I MIGHT DO TO THIS BRITISH ****HEAD RINGO INSTEAD!

Ringo: Do that and I’ll sue you, but I’m told that you’re flat broke, so bugger off!….(*distracted again*) Wait! What’s that?!?!

Angry Jim: BY GAWD! IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN! WHAT’S THE BOOGEYMAN DOIN’ HERE?!

Mike Check: Oh no! I knew the Boogeyman is real and he’s coming to get me!

(*The Boogeyman shuffles over to Mike but turns his attention to Ringo*)

Ringo: “Back Off Boogaloo”! If you put your grubby hands on me I’ll sue you also!

The Boogeyman: Tick Tock, Tick Tock. (*smashes large clock on head*) DAH! BWAHAHAHAHA! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET YA!

Angry Jim (*doing commentary*): BY GAWD! THE BOOGEYMAN’S SMASHED THAT CLOCK RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD! AND BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP AS THE BOOGEYMAN IS NOW PICKING RINGO UP…AND OHHHH! HE’S GIVEN RINGO THE BOOGEYBOMB! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! …AND NOW THE BOOGEYMAN’S PICKIN’ UP RINGO AGAIN AND NOW MAKIN’ LIKE A TREE AND LEAVIN’ THE BUILDING! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE?!

Mike’s Daughter: (*walks back into the room*) Sorry, what did I miss?

Foley: The Boogeyman. Well like us, I guess you can say that The Boogeyman knew that Ringo was not a “beatle” but a giant “worm”.

Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman??? I didn’t see no…You’re all crazy!

Foley: Ah??? Well on that note, this is Mick Foley signing off and “Have a nice day”!

Mike Check: And see you tomorrow fellers.

Angry Jim: AND GO **** YOURSELVES!

Mike, Mike’s Daughter & Foley: JIIIIMMM!!!

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

Another memorable moment on Mike Check’s: “This Is Your Life”, was the time Rick Foley invited a feller I worked with all the way on the orient in the Yokohama, Japan market. And you could say there fellers that this incident ended with “a bang”:

Foley (on cellphone): Uh-huh. Its like the weirdest thing. Here he is out of nowhere trying to talk to Mike Check–the guy that I’m doing this show for. Yeah so anyways here he is trying to “apologize” for whatever then Mike Check just kicks him in the balls, THEN his kid shows up. I try to break things up with the kid but the brat just bit me! Then he tears up the place. If it wasn’t fur Hughie then I don’t know what would happen. I know-I know taking the kids on tour isn’t a bright idea but since Noelle is coming soon for the show I thought a little family get together would be fun. Uh-huh. Okay, love you too. Bye. *hangs up cellphone*

Mike Check: Who was that you were you talking to Rick?

Foley: That was my wife on the phone. After that whole mess from yesterday she notified me that Jake Lloyd Sr. broke out of a psychiatric facility somewhere in South Carolina. He was in there because starring in “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” literally made him mentally insane! Just recently he broke out of that mental institution he was in, kidnapped his son out of a legal institution of his own getting ready to be adopted since he’s mentally unfit to take care of his son, and came here! And I thought some of the stuff that I did back in the day didn’t make any sense! I called the cops so they can get Father & Son out of here but the weirdest thing is after I told them where I was they laughed at me & gave me some phone numbers for a free clinic in the area which I though was rather odd?

Mike Check: Yeah the cops are pretty weird here.

Foley: Mike I have to say this. From one father to another and since we’ve heard and unfortunately seen your *cough* “exploits” since my daughter is coming here. If you do anything inappropriate to her; I won’t be held responsible for my actions.

Mike Check: I’m not sure I that understand that particular reference there Rick?

Foley: All right moving on now. Today’s guest has come all the way from Japan, a place dear to my heart for those infamous exploding barbwire matches I had with Terry Funk. We have also set up a ring surrounded by C-4 explosives right here in the studio for no apparent reason.

Mike Check: That looks a tad dangerous there Rick?

Foley: Ha Ha Ha, never-mind that Mike. Do you recognize this voice?

???: Check-san! You dishonor me with shame! Now I revenge get!

Mike Check: I’m not sure I…?

Foley: It’s one of your former radio co-hosts; Chin Shima!

Mike Check: That’s right. I remember this feller when we used to work the Yokohama, Japan market. I went under the name “Johnny Hero” and we were the “The Hero Shima Show”.

Chin Shima: You dishonor with shame Check-san for call me Chin Shima”! Real name Jimichiro Rosshu, one of 40 assistant manager of Fukya Selfu Robotics, also former All-Japan Puroresu number 1 announcer and cousin to redneck Angry Jim-san; who English commentary provide for inferior promotion New Japan! And Check-san, you bring dishonor for always dirty boot wearing in house! Then bring anger and shame to Jimichiro after have us fire at radio station for make disrespect!

Mike Check: I’m not sure what particular reference you’re making there feller? But are you talking about the time we had those wrestling tag-team fillies from All-Japan called “The Jumping Bomb Angels” on the show? I’m not quite sure what I said that was offensive about: “How about you fine bombs make like WW2 and jump on Hero n’ Shima”. It got us fired and ole Mike deported and blacklisted…but I’m glad that I can laugh about it now.

Chin Shima a.k.a. Jimichiro Rosshu: Aghhh! Laugh about!? You dishonor all Japan with bombing war comment of disrespect! It your fault Check-san that wife filled with shame and stop sex date since many year with Jimichiro! I now revenge have and choppy choppy Mike-san pee-pee with Katana!

Ringo: (*walks in*) Mick, was I supposed to be the guest again today?…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*looks over to Ringo and calms down*) Ringo Starr-san from Beatle that is you?

Ringo: Yes chap, would you be a fan?

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*now happy*) Hai. Use to sing Beatle song when wife have sex date regular until she cheat with drummer bakka…(*stares more closely at Ringo and becomes angry again*) That you leave wet drumstick at Jimichiro house front Genkan! You also bring disgrace Jimichiro with more dishonor!

Foley: Hold on guys, there’s C-4 around the place, so don’t…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*not paying attention to Foley*) Aghhh! Now choppy choppy YOUR pee-pee! (*Jimichiro runs with his Katana towards Ringo but accidentally steps on a hidden C-4 bomb and explodes*)

Foley: Ah, Medic! …Well here’s a song by an American band who were also a big hit in Japan, no pun intended, it’s “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways here on MIKE CHECK: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

The World May Not Like Me by Mike Angelo and The Idols (EXPLICIT) / Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

Speaking of Mike Check Shows Forth year of Whackin’, did I tell you fellers about the time that Angry John almost got our show cancelled for playing an inappropriate song. It was darn lucky we were still allowed to continue, so ole Mike Check attempted to use the remainder of the month trying to play songs to turn John “happy”. Well…at least I tried:

Mike Check: Well my lawyers were a little upset that the Denis Leary song from yesterday wasn’t in fact censored, becuase this is a family show after all. And my daughter tells me, who is one hell of a whiz-kid let me tell you, has even censored your language since you’ve been on here this month.

Angry Jim: What the **** **** do you **** mean?! Go **** yourself!

Mike Check: Yep, she’s definitely a whiz-kid alright. So Jim, do you know something more appropriate for The Mike Check Show there?

Angry Jim: I know a song that was once covered by a rassler called “Rowdy” Roddy Piper!

Mike Check: Good Jim. That sounds better already and I seem to remember that I once played “For Everybody” by him a couple of years ago here on The Mike Check Show.

Angry Jim: Well Mike, you can shove your censorship up your *** with this:

Mike Check: Oh no, my lawyers are not going to like this one bit 😦

————————–

Mike Check: Well this the last day of “Four years of Whackin” Month, here on the Mike Check Show, with my special guest “Angry Jim”, thank god.

Angry Jim: Agh, Go **** yourself!

Mike Check: JIIIIM! Let me tell you….Wait I know one more song and if this does make you happy then nothing will. It’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin here on THE WHACKER!

Mike Check: So how about it Jim?

Angry Jim: Agh!…Ha Ha Ha. By Gawd that song makes it hard to be angry. Thank ya Mike for having me on as your guest. But before I go, I just want to say to your listeners that tomorrows are never guaranteed so live life today the best you possibly can and do something nice for someone that’s not expecting it. I know that’s just how I’m gonna live my life from this moment on.

Mike Check: Well, that just swell Jim. This is just like the time I worked in…

Angry Jim: Agh! Shut-up about your stupid boring stories about your *****ing markets! F*** you, your listeners and go blow it out your ass and go **** yourself!

Mike Check: ….(*sigh*) Fascinating! See you tomorrow fellers!

Okie From Muskogee by Merle Haggard / One Way Or Another by Blondie

Did I ever tell you fellers about the time that yours truely, ole Mike, has a feller named Angry John as my guest host of our Forth Year Of Whackin’. He definitely was a very…very…very…angry man, let me tell you:

Mike Check: Well fellers, ole Mike would like to announce that my special guest for The Mike Check Show’s “Four Years of Whackin” anniversary month is not in fact Cassius Weave, who was my co-host back when I worked in the Ithica market on a station known as WTKO: THE KNOCKOUT!” No, it was my daughter’s April Fool prank, as the kids say these days, to fool ole Mike. But don’t you fellers get “angry” because my actual special guest co-host has just arrived at the KMCR studios a.k.a. THE MACKER! But before he comes in, let me play his theme music. It’s the Oklahoma Sooners fight song, it’s “Boomer Sooner here on…and I am allowed to call the show this during April…THE WHACKER!

Mike Check: Welcome…John?

Angry Jim: Go f*** yourself! It’s Jim…Angry Jim! You son of a *****!

Mike Check: My apologies, Jim. But I keep forgetting your real name since I know you from the old days as Bill when we both worked the Oklahoma market at a radio station K.N.C.R: THE KNOCKER! I was Jake Boomer, you were Bill Sooner and our show was the “Boomer Sooner Crooner Hour”. Those were the days. Remember when we used to break all those “Jezebels”, as you used to say, hearts. Speaking of that, are you still breaking hearts these days Bill…I mean John?…

Angry Jim: It’s JIM! And no! I got married! And my wife hasn’t ****ed me in years! I spend most of my time in the basement rubbing my meat!

Mike Check: Fascinating?

Angry Jim: And right now I’m angry, you wanna know why?

Mike Check: Why?

Angry Jim: Well “A”, I was told that I wouldn’t have to come back to this ****hole after I played Bar-B-Q by ZZ TOP last year. And “B”, it seemed that I was about to get some action from this big-boobed woman in some hotel in L.A. but I was slobberknockered by ninjas, passed out and ended up at this radio station all of a sudden?! Where the **** am I anyway?!

Mike Check: Uh…let’s not worry about that now my ‘Okie’ friend…oh and speaking of ‘Okie’, here’s a song you might be familiar with; it’s “Okie From Muskogee” by Merle Haggard here on THE WHACKER!

————————–

Angry Jim: I’m gonna get you Johnny Age! Even Deborah Harry can whip your no good pathetic *** like a Government mule!

Mike Check: I’ve heard a lot of things in all the many markets I’ve worked in but I don’t quite understand that “Government Mule” reference there!

Angry Jim: It means the same thing as a “slobberknocker”!

Mike Check: Well whatever that is, all I know is that “one way or another” ole Mike would love to whip out his “Mule” near Ms. Harry’s “slobberknockers”.

Angry Jim: Now I don’t understand what the **** you’re talking about?!

Antenna Head by ZZ Top / I Got A Rocket In My Pocket by Jimmy Lloyd

Kimar: Well now that Mars is back to normal, it seems that I must bid you farewell Mike Check and Earth friends.

Jimdar: Wait?! Are you forgetting one thing Kimar? You are releasing Mike Check even after that earth cretin Kcufed my wife with his greezy Earthling hands?! Perhaps Mars would have been better off with STAN in charge!

Kimar: Jimdar! I really have had enough of this “anger” of yours! You are know angering me!

Jimdar: Well go Kcuf yourself (*punches Kimar and they get into a scuffle*)

Clairedar: Cease fighting! This was all the fault of myself. I was the Martian that tricked Mike Check into pleasuring my antenna. It is I that should be I facing any punishment.

Mike’s Daughter (*whispers to Mike Check*): You did what dad???

Mike Check (*whispers to back to his daughter*): How would I know that their antennas were used for that there darlin’?

Jimdar (*to Clairedar*): Of course! Just like you have let every male on Mars pleasure you antenna!

Clairedar: Negative. It was my intention with Mike Check to make you, as the Earthlings say, “jealous”.

Angry Jim (*comes out of unconsciousness and interrupts*): I don’t know who the **** you ***holes are, but I had lost my wife a year ago…when she moved all the way to the Canary Islands and never came back! I used to obsess all the time about how my wife was a two-timing whore who was sleepin’ with that Johnny Age ever since I tripped over a wet skateboard on my front porch. But now I’ve come to learn how to forgive and forget…I mean our tomorrows are not guaranteed, so you Martians should learn to be a little kinder to one another?

Mike’s daughter (*stunned*) Jim? What’s gotten into you? You’re so…positive right now?

Angry Jim: Ahhh, go **** yourselves! I’m already sick of this ****ing planet! And when are those other Depend…no…those three “Crapvengers” waking up so we can get our *** rocket ship home!?

Jimdar: This angry Earthing speaks logically. Clairedar, my apologies for my behavior. What can I do to keep you mine?

Clairedar: Why do you not request Checkdar to play me a song?

Jimdar: A song?! Negative! Such foolish noises—

Angry Jim: For **** sake! Why don’t ya pointy “Antenna Heads” just shut the **** up and play some **** ZZ Top!

Jimdar: This ZZ Top? I think I am enjoying their southern American style of Rock and/or Roll. Perhaps this “music” is not so vile after all. My gratitude Angry Jim.

Angry Jim: Why thank ya, and go **** yourself!

Jimdar: Negative! You go Kcuf yourself!

Mike Check (*interrupts*): Fellers! Fellers! Our job is done. So Doc, take us home would you there feller?

Doc Brown: Well Mike, there’s a slight problem, Khali’s spacecraft is destroyed and we cannot all fit in my Deloreoan—

Kimar: There’s no need for that. Allow me take you back in my personal Flying saucer.

Gaiedar: Wait! (*shouts and runs up to Mike Check*) Mike Check! Wait! Before you leave, I have a gift for you. But do not use it until you get back to Earth. (*slips something into Mike’s pocket*)…However, if you prefer to stay, I will allow you to slip a rocket shaped object of your own into my pocket, if you understand my meaning? Hga hga hga!

Mike Check: Ah, no thank you there feller. Kimar, please hurry and take us back NOW!

Mars Attacks by Misfits

Mike Check: Doc Brown is that you there feller?

Doc Brown: Yes, it’s Doctor Emmett Brown here. And STAN, I am going to put a stop to your shenanigans on Mars once and for all!

STAN: Really? You and what army?

Doc Brown: Army? Well I want you to meet a few friends that I brought along with me: C.S. Robocop, Angry Jim, Iron Mark Tyson, and The Midnight Rose. Or as I like to call then, the Crapvengers!

Angry Jim: I don’t want to be called that! Go **** yourselves! I wanted to be called “The Dependables”!

Doc Brown: JIIIIM there’s no time for that now! The fate of the world…I should I say galaxy, “depends” on it! …Or on second thought, perhaps your name is—

STAN: (*interrupts*) Crapvengers? Dependables? (*bursts out laughing*) I don’t know which name is worse? But what ever you’re called, you might as well be the “Misfits”, because that’s all you all are. But, I’d like to know how the heavens you “dumbasses”, now that’s a better name, even get here?

Doc Brown: Well, I’m glad you asked. In my travels to the future, I had discovered that the Martins had taken control of the Earth under the rule of STAN: The Evil Troll Lord, and in that time, I had also discovered that the Trolla Corporation were also secretly creating spacecrafts, from an abandoned underground Space-X laboratory, that would take man to as far as Mars. So when I had returned to the year 2018, I was supposed to arrive on the date March, 31 but there was a problem with my Delorean’s computer, which led me to arrive a few weeks too late. By that time my Delorean had broke down and I had also discovered that, not only had Mike Check been abducted, but so had his daughter. So I then gathered everyone that wanted to participate in assisting bringing them back home and saving the Earth. And Premier Blah had also gladly let me use his future rocket technology, that I brought back to modify the Delorean into a spacecraft, to get here.

STAN: That’s a nice little story Doc, but how are you going to stop me?

Angry Jim: Well, I’ll will whip you and your Mazi a***es like Government Mules!

Midnight Rose: You will say hello to my little friend, mang!

C.S. Robocop: Your move creep!

Iron Mark Tyson: I will punch you…(*all stare at him*)…What? What’s wrong with my catchphrase?

(*”The Crapvengers” charge at STAN and the Mazis but Damien uses his powers to knock them all out unconscious*)

Damien: Really? That was your army? I just took them all out myself and I’m just a kid?

STAN: Thank you son. Now my Mazi servants; take Doc Brown prisoner!

Doc Brown: I don’t think so. It seems that I had neglected to mention another minor detail STAN. I had a hunch that the probability of the chances of the “Crapvengers” in defeating you were minimal and they were merely a decoy. So I had also created a second spacecraft, which will arrive here very shortly, to carry a fifth individual to assist us. The Delorean, with the five of us, could not accommodate the large frame of this extra individual…(*the second spacecraft lands in the vicinity*)…and I think he’s just arrived!

STAN: No, it can’t be?!

Doc Brown: Yes, meet…The Great Khali!

Venomous by Jim Johnston

Mike Check: Weell, that was…(*interrupted by knock at the front door*)

Mike’s Daughter: Someone’s at the door?

Mike Check: Don’t tell me the Martians have arrived after all?

Mike’s Daughter: Don’t be stupid dad, just get it.

Mike Check (*opens door*): So who might you be there feller?

Steve Austin: What?!

Mike Check: I said, who might you be there feller?

Steve Austin: What?!

Mike Check: I said…

Steve Austin: I know what ya’ said, Mike! But if you don’t know, you should know, I’m ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’. And I’m asking why your sorry ass played my theme song from the time I was part of the Alliance? What?!

Mike Check: Weell there feller, Ole…

Steve Austin: Are you trying to remind all your listeners on 3:16 day of the time when Stone Cold Steve Austin was soft!? What?!

Mike Check: No, I…

Steve Austin: What’s next, you want Stone Cold to put on a tiny cowboy hat and sing Kumbaya with you?! What?!

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand your particular reference there feller?

Steve Austin: You don’t understand my reference Mike?! What?! Well here’s a reference you’ll understand?! If you want Stone cold to open up a can of whoop ass on Mike Check give me a “Hell yeah”!

Mike’s Daughter: Hell Yeah!…Sorry, dad.

Mike Check: Please don’t hurt me Mr. Boston. I’m a very…very…very…old man—

Steve Austin: (*angry expression suddenly turns to a smile*): Nah, I’m just playin’ with ya. The only can Stone Cold is gonna open right now is a couple of Stevewisers. (*gets two cans of beer and hands one to Mike*)

Mike Check: Why thank ya there feller. Cheers…agh!

(*Austin tricks Mike and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner*)

Steve Austin: DTA: Don’t trust anybody, and that’s the bottom line because Stone Cold said so! Mike, I’ll catch your ass down the road. (*pats Mike on the back, places another can of beer near Mike’s semi-unconscious body and leaves*)

Mike’s Daughter: Dad! Are you alright?!…(*phone rings*)…Just hold on dad, I’ll get it. (*picks up phone and puts in on speaker*)

Angry Jim (*on the phone*): STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER! BY GAWD, STUNNER! (*hangs up*)

Mike Check: (*waking up out of unconsciousness*) Fas-cin-ating.

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