Getting Gay with Kids (Explicit) by Matt Stone and Trey Parker

Mike’s daughter: Hi kids! It’s the very last day of April, and with the way things are going around here at the NEW Mike Check Show, it might be the very last day for this whole show also? But let’s not worry about all that and let’s focus on today’s word of the day which is; “Rainforest”. Do you know what a Rainforest is kids?

Mike Check: I do darlin’. They’re forests that get lots of rain?

Mike’s daughter: (*manages a fake laugh*) Ha Ha, dad, that’s so funny. But actually, you’re right dad.

Mike Check: I am?

Mike’s daughter: Yes. And our special guest for today knows all about Rainforests too. So let’s welcome…no, this can’t be right? Dad, did you make a mistake in the booking?

Mike Check: I’m not sure, isn’t our guest; Gifford Pinchot?

Mike’s daughter: Dad? Gifford Pinchot has been no longer with us for over 70 years? And how did you get that from…Gay Popeye???

Gay Popeye (*walks in*): Aw gyuk gyuk gyuk! Well blow me……………….

Mike Check: No, not you Happy Hawkeye?!

Gay Popeye: …………DOWN! Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk! It’z Gay Popeye herez and first offz: I didn’t know Gifford Pinchot waz sick? Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!.

Mike Check: Darlin’, I cross my heart that I didn’t invite this feller here.

Mike’s Daughter: Well he is here NOW and he’s here to talk about the rainforest…oh, and before you say anything, please behave yourself G…Happy Popeye, it’s bad enough that you’re already a very non P.C. stereotype of the LGTBQ community. We don’t want this show to be more of a disaster than it already has been?

Gay Popeye: Whyz I’m gladz to beez here, but whyz ya hesitate in callinz me “Gay”? There’s nothing wrongz with that?

Mike Check: That’s right there feller. I might not like you but I think it’s a good thing to be “gay”.

Mike’s daughter: Yes, I guess you’re both right. And dad? I’m very surprised that you said that? It seems that you’re finally learning about acceptance?

Gay Popeye: Oh! Yez Mike, and I’ve also beenz waiting forever for yez to say that? Please say it again, say it slow. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!

Mike Check: What? What did I say?

Mike’s daughter: LOOK! This whole conversation has nothing to do with Rainforests, so let’s just—

Gay Popeye: Oh speaking of Rainforrestz, I’dz like Mike, since he’z gay, to take out hiz…BIG AND BURLY…tree truck and makez it rainz all over yourz truly. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!

Mike’s daughter: GET OUT OF HERE GAY POPEYE!

(*Gay Popeye leaves*)

Mike Check: Thank ya there darlin’, when that fellers is around, ole Mike never feels very “gay”.

Mike’s daughter (*sigh*): Let’s just a play a DAMN SONG SO THE LITTLE BRA…KIDS AT HOME DON’T GET EVEN MORE OFFENDED!

Mike’s daughter: WHAT?! WHY DID WE PLAY THIS?! WE’RE FINISHED! WE’RE THROUGH!

Mike Check: Please. My precious petunia, calm yourself down there. Why can’t you just be “gay” like in the song we played by accident?

Mike’s daughter: Dad! You don’t understand that you’re using that word in an old fashioned context, “meaning “happy”, whereas in the song, it is being used as a double meaning in an offensive context…especially when it’s also implied to be involving “kids”!

Mike Check: What’s wrong with that? Back when I was a youngin’, I was “gay” all the time?

(*interrupted by a knock at the door*)

Mike’s daughter: Oh, what now?! (*opens door and Daniel Bryan is outside*)

Daniel Bryan: Your word of the day was “Rainforest” and you didn’t invite me, the only person in the world that can save them!? Ignorant! Change it!

Mike Check: Gifford Pinchot? Is that you there feller? I didn’t know you grew a beard?

Daniel Bryan: What?! No! No! No! I’m the NEW Daniel Bryan! I was HERE only a few days ago?! Don’t you even remember, you FICKLE old man?!

Mike Check: Sorry, my mistake there feller, but there’s no need to be cranky. Because like that that song; “saving the rainforest is totally gay”.

Daniel Bryan: No! No! No! (*runs up to Mike and gives him multiple “Yes” kicks*) FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE!

(*Mike’s daughter gives her pretend happy face a facepalm and starts crying, until she she hears another knock at the door, opens it and sees the Honkytonk Mailman*)

Honkytonk Mailman: It’s the Honkytonk Mailman here deliverin’ a special “word of the day”, straight of the presses!

Mike’s daughter: You’re too late! Go Away! (*slams door*) Uh?…Good Bye Kids.

The Toilet Song by The Wiggles

Mike’s Daughter: Hi Kids. Well today is going to be “interesting” becuase we are going to be teaching some of you smaller ones about potty training.

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I can do that darlin’, I might by letting the cat out of the bag here, but ole Mike has to wear Depends these days in case of an accident?

Mike’s Daughter: I think that’s too much information that we needed to know dad? But no, we have a special guest to us us about potty training today, who is; B.M Punk.

B.M. Punk (*Enters*): Yes it’s me, B.M. Punk, The Straight Edge Sh…Pooer, and I’m going to teach you kids about using the toilet. And once you learn how to carl from me, you never need Metamucil to loosen your stool.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, but I’m not sure if the kids need that for that anyway?

Mike Check: But I do there feller?

B.M. Punk (*ignoring Mike*): Good. Then we can begin. Now where’s a toilet that I can use to demonstrate?

Mike’s Daughter: Ah? Can’t we just pretend? I’m sure the kids can just use their imagination?

B.M. Punk: No. We must do this properly.

Mike’s Daughter: But I can’t just bring a whole toilet in here?

B.M. Punk: Forget it. Let’s just skip to lesson number 2. Kids, since I’m talking to those who are no longer wearing diapers, you may find yourself in a situation where you need to sh…poo and can’t find a bathroom. So what B.M Punk does is carry around this trash-bag (*takes out folded trash-bag from his underwear*). Now what you do is open it up, place it behind your butt and then squat.

Mike’s Daughter: No. I think that’s enough demonstrating Punk?

B.M. Punk (*ignoring Mike’s daughter*): Then you pull down your underwear—

*Five minutes later*

Mike’s Daughter (*holding her nose and looking nauseated*): I think the word for today was “Trashbagging”? Excuse me dad, I need to go puke again.

Mike Check (*holding his nose*): Okay, *cough* well since we couldn’t show the end of P.M Bunk’s segment on *cough*, here’s The Wiggles with “The Toilet Song” instead, here on The NEW Mike Check Show!

Concerto No 1 in E Major (Spring) Allegro by Antonio Vivaldi / Old Mother Hubbard by Ella Fitzgerald

Mike’s daughter: Hi kids, today it’s time for some “poetry”, which is our word of the day, and who better than to read out some for us is—

Mike Check: Yours truly, Mike Check?

Mike’s daughter: No. We actually have a special guest to do it for us. So please welcome, all the way from a country called England; here’s Sir Alec Heineken!

Sir Alec (*enters*): Why hello there chaps. It’s Sir Alec Heineken here today and I must apologize to you, young lady, about an incident that occurred the last time we met.

Mike’s daughter: Yes. Don’t worry about that, it turned out that you were possessed by STAN, so let’s just forget what you and your wife Ellie asked me to for money…

Mike Check: What was that there darlin’?

Mike’s daughter: Nothing dad, oh, I mean…I asked for some nice poetry, yes that’s right.

Sir Alec: Ohhhh, I love poetry, especially those of children’s nursery rhymes.  That is what I am here for today, to recite a nursery rhyme to your splendid listenership.

Mike’s daughter: So what’s your favorite nursery rhyme that you wish to read for us, Sir Alec?

Sir Alec: Oooohhhh, my favorite nursery rhyme is a classic known as “Old Mother Hubbard”, however, the version of the rhyme will be read “with a twist”.

Mike’s daughter: A twist?

Sir Alec: Yes. This version of “Old Mother Hubbard” was rewritten by a young American chap known as; Andrew Dice Clay, and I will recite it for you post haste:

(* “Canon in D Major” by Johann Pachelbel plays in the background*)

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get her old dog a bone
She bent over,
Rover took over
She got a…

Sir Alec: The End.

[Crowd:] “Aww…we are so proud of you! Way to go! That’s what I’m talking about! Whoo!!!”

Mike’s daughter (*interrupts*): Okay, thanks for that Sir Alec. But the end of that poem may have to be edited out?

Mike Check: Well here’s something that’s perhaps more appropriate for the youngin’s there, it’s Ella Fitzgerald’s rendition of “Old Mother Hubbard” here on The NEW Mike Check Show!

Good Planets Are Hard To Find by Steve Forbert

*knock at the door*

Mike Check: I wonder who our special guest is today on The New Mike Check Show there darlin’?

Mike’s Daughter (*opens front door*): Oh, it’s WWE World Champion, Daniel Bryan!

Theme: “Flight of the Valkyries by Jim Johnston”

Daniel Bryan: Hello, but get my name right next time, my name is the NEW Daniel Bryan and I’m STILL the Planet’s Champion!

Mike’s Daughter: Oh sorry, “NEW Daniel Bryan”, do you have a word of the day for our younger listeners to learn?

Daniel Bryan: Yes, the word of the day is “sustainability”.

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there feller?

Daniel Bryan: What!? Don’t you know what being “sustainable” is? It’s “the avoidance of the depletion of natural resources in order to maintain an ecological balance”! You know, this is the problem with the world today, we have to dumb things down to cater to the fickle masses! Oh that’s the new word for today (*points at Mike and his daughter*) “FICKLE”!

Mike’s Daughter: Uh, Daniel—?

Daniel Bryan: And kids, I bet your fickle parents drove you to school today in a gasoline fueled car?! Cars that pollute the airways and thus causing Global warming which leads to the melting of the polar ice caps! And you know what that means?! The north pole will melt into the ocean and there will be no more Christmas and no more presents! That also means, no more consumption of meaningless items with packaging that either ends up in landfill or pollutes our waterways, killing innocent wildlife!

Mike’s Daughter: Uh, Kids. Daniel is just trying to play a baddie.

Daniel Bryan: Baddie? So I’m the bad guy for telling the truth and caring for the environment?! I’m here because I’m the only one that can save you from your FICKLE parents’ destruction of the planet!

Mike’s Daughter: No, that’s not what I—

Daniel Bryan: And you know another truth? I bet your parents feed their bodies with murdered innocent farm animal caucuses also?! That Lamb or cow could have been someones’ pet?! Would you eat your own dog or cat? I don’t think—

Mike Check (*interrupts*): Uh? Why thank ya there Daniel with your lesson on the environment, so here’s a song all about that here on The NEW Mike Check Show!

Daniel Bryan: The NEW Mike Check Show?! Are you trying to mock my NEW name Mike?! FICKLE! Change it!

Mike Check: NO—

(*Daniel is about to put Mike in the “Lebell Lock” but…:*)

[*five minutes later*]

Mike’s Daughter: Uh, my dad is having his nap time now so here’s “Good Planets Are Hard To Find” by Steve Forbert:

I Love You by Barney The Dinosaur

Mike’s daughter: Hi Kids, today we have yet another a special guest. And I don’t know why we invited him here, since he’s a little br…dear?!

Mike Check: Well I thought it’ll be good to have someone of their age here that the youngin’s could relate to there darlin’?

Mike’s daughter (*unenthusiastic*): Yes. So here’s Jake Lloyd Jr.

Jake Lloyd Jr.: Hi Mike and Mike’s Daughter. I’m here and I brought my friend Adam Driver Jr.

Mike’s daughter: Adam? Oh, I know you, isn’t your dad Adam Driver who plays Kylo Ren in the new Star Wars sequels…or as I like to call him “Emo Vader”?

Adam Driver Jr.: Hey, my dad’s not emo!?

Mike’s daughter: Whatever. So what’s our…?

Adam Driver Jr. (*interrupts*): Ha Ha! You have boo-bies!

Mike’s daughter: I know, Adam. I’m a girl…and OWW!…Stop snapping my bra strap, Jake, you little f…!

Jake Lloyd Jr.: Ooooh. You were going to say the “F” word.

Mike’s daughter: No, I wasn’t!

Adam Driver Jr.: Yes you were.

Mike’s daughter: No, I…LOOK, what’s the word for today boys?!

Jake Lloyd Jr.: Boobies! (*snaps Mike’s daughter bra again*)

Mike’s daughter: OWW…Jake! I said stop that!

Adam Driver Jr.: Ha Ha. Bras are for girls.

Mike’s daughter: I know, that’s because I AM a girl!…Now look at what you did! Now both of you turn around so I can adjust myself! (*The boys’ laughter quietens as they suddenly become smitten*) What?! Why are you both looking at me like that?

Jake Lloyd Jr.: “I Love You”…I mean? Why did I say that? Have I got cooties?

Adam Driver Jr.: I don’t know? But I’m feeling “The force” down below?

Jake Lloyd Jr.: I don’t think it’s the force? It’s the power of the “dark side”?

Adam Driver Jr.: Oh no?! Let’s run outta here! Aaaaagggghhh! (*the boys run away*)

Mike’s daughter: *sigh* Good. They’re gone. Why must he always annoy me?

Mike Check: They’re just teasin’ ya ’cause they kinda “love ya” there darlin’. Well, that reminds ole Mike of a song, it’s “I Love You” by Barney The Dinosaur, here on The NEW Mike Check Show!

Everybody Loves A Clown by Gary Lewis and The Playboys

Mike’s daughter: Hi kids, it seems that we are lucky to have another WWE superstar as today’s guest. But, I’m not actually sure why this particular guest wanted to be here for our “kids” type show? But here’s WWE’s Rusev:

Theme: Roar Of The Lion by CFO$

Mike’s daughter: So what brings you here today Rusev?

Rusev: Well the kids need some entertainment, and that is my word for the day: “Entertainment”. And what better day to come here to entertain than on the greatest day in the world…Rusev Day!

Mike’s daughter: But I thought that “Rusev Day” wasn’t a thing anymore?

Rusev: Quiet! Just because the WWE doesn’t want it, it does not mean it is not a thing.

Mike’s daughter: Okay, okay, ah—

Mike Check: So, what entertainment do you have for the kids today there feller, I hope it doesn’t involve kicking ole Mike in the head again like you did last year?

Rusev: No. Don’t worry about that. Since my wife Lana refuses to bear me children right now, I’m just here I’m here to entertain your young listeners. But anyways, I have come with a traditional Bulgarian costume and I will perform a traditional Bulgarian balloon animal show…Hold on, let me go in other room to get ready.

Mike’s daughter: Okay. So while we’re waiting, dad why don’t you entertain the kids?

Mike Check: Uh? Well there…?

Mike’s daughter: Really dad? You usually can’t help yourself by rambling on and on but when I ask you to talk about something, you can’t think of anything to say?

Mike Check: Well it’s like that Brad Brakestown feller who—

Mike’s daughter: Never mind that dad, Rusev is back!

(*Rusev comes back out in a weird looking clown costume, holding some balloons*)

Rusev: Hi there you kids, It’s Rusev The Clown here to make some balloon animal for you—

Mike Check: Aaaahhhhhh! A clown! And this is the most scariest clown I’ve ever seen, let me tell you!

Rusev: But Mike. I’m not supposed to be scary clown…here, why don’t you help me make balloons (*Rusev goes up to Mike but Mike starts running around the room with Rusev chasing him*)

Mike Check: Go away clown! I hate clowns!

Rusev: But, Mike stop yourself. “Everybody Loves A Clown”?

Mike’s daughter: Wow? I have never seen my dad run that fast in my life? So, anyway…while my dad and Rusev The Clown are busy playing chase, why don’t we go to a song? It’s…”Everybody Loves A Clown” by Gary Lewis and The Playboys on the NEW Mike Check Show.

Sugartime by Kitty Wells

Mike’s daughter: Well hello kids. The word of today is “nutrition” and today’s guest to talk to us all about good nutrition is…dad? This can’t be right? I thought that I told you to book DDP from DDP Yoga, not…her?

Mike Check: Sorry there darlin’, but that DPP feller was busy so I booked another guest who’s first name started with the letter “D”, I think her name is Daisy something?

Mike’s daughter: No. Her name is Dixie…(*interrupted by earthquake like tremors entering to room*).

Dixie: Why hello there sugah. It’s lil’ ole me Dixie here (*slurps down a tub of ice cream*).

Mike’s daughter: Dixie? So you of all people are going to talk to us and the kids at home about “nutrition”? Really? I mean, ever since you sold Impact Wrestling to Anthem, you had developed an ice cream addiction, and ice cream is “sometimes food”.

Dixie: That’s right there sugah. I sometimes eat ice cream in the morning, I sometimes eat ice cream for lunch, I sometimes eat ice cream for dinner—

Mike’s daughter: Okay, we get the point. But ice cream is not nutritional, like say; vegetables—

Dixie: But sugah? Ice cream is made from Milk, and all the youngin’s know that Milk is good for you, it makes your bones strong.

Mike’s daughter: Yes, but it also contains a lot of sugar—

Dixie: Did you just say sugah, sugah? You don’t happen to have some for lil’ ole me to borrow do ya, sugah?

Mike’s daughter: I don’t think that’s—

Dixie: (*In demonic type voice*) Now!

Mike’s daughter: Okay, Okay (*Mike daughter goes to the kitchen to get a container of sugar and brings it to Dixie*)

Dixie: Gimme Gimme Gimme (*Dixie chugs down the whole container of sugar in one gulp*)

Mike Check: Well, there Daisy, it seems that our word of the day has switched to “sugar”, well speaking of “sugar”, here’s a song called “Sugartime” by Kitty Wells, that seem quite appropriate here on The NEW Mike Check Show!

Mike’s daughter: (*sigh*).