Monthly Archives: October 2017

Halloween Spooks by Lambert, Hendricks and Ross

(*knock at the front door*)

Mike’s Daughter (*opens front door*): Hello?

[Theme: “Loaded” by Zack Tempest]

Matt and Jeff Hardy (*appear at front door*): Trick or Treat!

Mike’s Daughter You guys are a little late? Damien and Stan are gone, some Martians took them prisoner two days ago.

Matt Hardy: (*in “broken” accent*) Yeeeeessssss! (*in his normal voice*) Well me and my brother…”Jeff” were going to come help you guys out but our teleportation abilities have been “DELETED” so we had to drive all the way to Folsom from Cameron, North Carolina in our rental car.

Jeff Hardy: Yeah, I’m also sorry for the delay, man. But I couldn’t have been much help anyway, since I’m still recovering from my shoulder surgery.

Mike’s Daughter: Don’t worry about it. But I must say that it’s disappointing that you guys still can’t be “broken”?

Jeff Hardy: No ma’am. But The Hardyz Boyz are now “AWOKEN”!

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there feller?

Matt Hardy: Look. It’s the best we can do right now ever since we ran into a little issues with “the owl man”…oh which reminds me; My wife Reby has seemed to have calmed down on Twitter in the last few days? Her recent unusual enlightened mood toward me having to work on Christmas seems to be difficult to…”describe”?

(*Matt Hardy pauses as he expects his “Scribe” to show up, but nothing happens*)

Matt Hardy: Really?! The owl man has also “DELETED” my scribe?!

Mike’s Daughter: Eh? I can’t explain wha…but I probably can explain Reby due to the fact that STAN: The Evil Troll Lord is now currently floating somewhere in out of Space and thus hasn’t been able to possess any wrestling personalities on Twitter.

Matt Hardy: Well that explanation sounds absolutely “Delightful”! Well I guess we better be going–

Mike’s Daughter: Wait! Would you be able to do me a favor? Would you be able to fix my little problem? (*points to her own shrunken breasts*)

Matt Hardy: I shouldn’t be doing this but… (*grabs Mike’s Daughter head*) aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!…With the power of the Seven Deities: Nehrick, Cole, Khawl, Sircoe, Asstar, Gustavo, Brohare! “RESTORE” this stripper woman’s enormous artificial mammary glands! RESTORE! RESTORE! RESTORE!

Mike’s Daughter (*Her breasts grow back their previous enormous Double D size*): Thanks guys. I don’t know how to repay you? But since you guys are “Trick or Treating”, I think I may have some “green beans” in the fridge?

Matt Hardy: Green beans? Why would we want that?

Mike’s Daughter: Aren’t they a “delicacy”?

Matt Hardy: Uh? I don’t know what you’re talking about? But we must be going, post haste, as “King Max”…I mean Maxell and Wolfgang are waiting for us to take them Trick or Treating.

Jeff Hardy: Well, I guess now we’ll fade away and classify ourselves as “Obsolete”!

Matt Hardy: OBSOLETE!

Jeff Hardy: Happy Halloween, Creatures!

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The Werewolf Watusi / Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett

Mike Check: And that was “The Werewolf Watusi” on…THE MACKER!

Mike’s Daughter: God! I don’t know what’s worse?! The Fact that STAN almost brought the both of us to hell…again, or the fact that you have to play this damn song every frickin ye…(*Mike’s Daughter is interrupted as they hear a lightning sound and a Delorean speed up to Mike’s driveway*)…Is that Doc Brown?! (*Mike’s Daughter goes to open the front door*)

Doc Brown (*comes rushing to Mike’s front door*): Mike! I must warn you about your future! Something’s got to be done about the Martians!

Mike’s Daughter: Doc, actually you’re too late. But there’s nothing to worry about because they were here in fact just yesterday and they took STAN and his little brat Damien prisoner for 1000 years.

Doc Brown: Yes! But how do you explain the fact that in the year 2018 the Martians will invade the Earth and enslave all of human existence?!

Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! The Martian told us that he was coming back for my dad in about five months, but I didn’t think…?

Doc Brown: And that’s not all?! I stole a copy of this future Martian newspaper where here it says on the front page that they have declared STAN: The Evil Troll Lord their new Martian God?! Look! (*shows Mike and his daughter the newspaper which reads “STAN IS OUR NEW GOD”*)

Mike Check: Why those double-crossin’ green…! But how does this happen there feller?

Doc Brown: Look. I cannot reveal anymore about your destiny. However, Mike, I must urge you not to make any physical contact with any female Martians!

Mike Check: Female martians?! Yuck! Look there feller, I understand that ole Mike has weak knees when it comes too all the pretty fillies, but even I have my limits when it come to green pus–

Mike’s Daughter: Dad! Please don’t say anymore! (*to Doc*) But what has that have anything to with…? Any why does dad…? I don’t wanna know?! But I do want to know how STAN does this when he’s locked in the the phantom Zone anyway?

Doc Brown: I told you, I cannot answer those questions, as too much knowledge about the future can be catastrophic…but wait! (*changes the subject*) What was the song that you played today?!

Mike’s Daughter: “The Werewolf Watusi”. My damn father plays it before every Halloween!

Doc Brown: No! That can’t be right?! Mike Check always plays the “Monster Mash” on this date?!

Mike Check: “Monster Mash”?! Ole Mike has played music any many…many…many…many markets and never even heard of…?

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!! I knew that crashing the Delorean into Bobby Pickett’s garage in 1962 would lead to trouble?! I wish I never invented this infernal machine! I must go back to 1962 right now!

Mike’s Daughter: You’re going to the past?! But what about the future?!

Doc Brown: Your future hasn’t been written yet! So just remember what I told you and don’t do anything else differently until I work out how straighten all this mess! (*Doc goes back to the Dolerean and drives into the past*)

Mike’s Daughter: Wow! That’s heavy?!

Mike Check: I don’t know what the weight of his time machine car has anything to do with…?? Oh! I forgot. Did (*Back to the Future sound effect*) I play Monster Mash already there darlin’?

Mike’s Daughter: No. But you did play the wrong song, which for once I’m glad–

Mike Check: Whoops…weeeelll here’s “Monster Mash here on…THE MACKER!

Mike’s Daughter: Dammit!

Chase The Devil by Max Romeo

STAN (*still possessing Triple H’s body*): There’s nothing on the whole planet earth-ah that can defeat me and my son Damien-ah! Now, stop delaying the inevitable and hand over your souls like you should have done seven months ago-ah!

Mike Check: Okay fellers, you win.

Mike’s Daughter: No! D–(*interrupted as she sees a huge beam of light outside the window*): Dad! There’s a huge object hovering above out house! Is it a UFO?

(*A Martian transports, Star Trek style, into Mike’s House*):

Kimar: Greetings Earthlings. I am Kimar, leader of the planet Mars.

Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Martians?! Look we’re sorry that we accidentally killed your people with that Slim Whitman song during Halloween Hootenanny last year, but we had an annoying Zombie problem and now we have a bit of a–

Kimar: Do not fear earth woman. The “so called” Martians that you had massacred, one of your earth years ago, were members of the Mazi rebel forces that we were fighting in the Great Martian War. Actually, we have come in gratitude for you helping us finding the method in defeating them with the unusual sound that you call “music”. You see, the rebels are a race that are hypersensitive to such sounds. Sounds in which have never been heard on my planet until our radio waves picked up an earth signal of something you call “The Mike Check Show”. Since the war ended, listening to “The Mike Check Show” has become the most popular pastime on Mars–

STAN: What has this story got to do with anything-ah? Now will you go away-ah! My son Damien and I-ah are trying to take over the Earth-ah!

Kimar: Ha Ha Ha. The Demon they call “STAN”; your evil powers are no match for my Martian Ray Gun. And that’s why we have come, we wish to display our Martian gratitude to the earthling they call “Mike Check” by assisting him in defeating his worst enemy.

Mike Check: So you fellers have killed Ringo Starr? It’s about time, let me tell you.

Kimar: Your Earthling sense of humor confuses me? No, we are here to take the Demon, you call STAN, prisoner!

Damien: You think my Dad is scared of your little pop gun? Why…(*Kimar shoots STAN*)…What the F–

(*STAN’s essence leaves Triple H’s Body*)

Triple H (*un-possessed*): What happened-ah? (*looks around*) Where the hell am I? This is not Stamford, Connecticut?!

(*Damien sets the top of Triple H’s head on fire and he runs out of Mike’s House screaming*)

STAN: If you think what my son just did to Triple H was “Hot”, now that you have just released me into my true form, not only can I now finally stop annoyingly saying “ah” after ever fricken sentence, I also now possess the full evil power to…(*STAN and Damien are enclosed in a glass prison like structure that rapidly shrinks*)…Wait?! What’s happening to me?! what are you doing to us?! Let us out!

Kimar: You have both just been imprisoned in a structure, we call “The Phantom Zone”, in which no force in the Galaxy can escape from. And to make sure that you can do no harm to these earthlings, we will transport you into deep space and leave you floating there for 1000 years.

Mike’s Daughter: Like something like General Zod in Superman II?

Kimar: I’m not sure who this Super General who you refer to?…But Farewell Mike Check and daughter. In five months we shall return for you (*points at Mike*).

Mike Check: Me?

Mike’s Daughter: But! Why?!

(*Kimar beams out, with STAN and Damien immediately, giving no reply*)

Mike’s Daughter: But!? But!? Ah, whatever? Just play a song.

Mike Check: Weeelll. Yes. And let’s end today with the appropriately titled song; “Chase The Devil” by Max Romeo, here on…THE MACKER!

Take The Devil Out Of Me by George Jones

STAN/Triple H: Today’s the day that me and my son Damien-ah take you—

(*STAN is interrupted as the front door of The Mike Check house gets punched through as Robocop enters Mike’s house*)

Robocop: Dead or alive, you’re coming with me, Hunter Hearst Helmsley!

Mike’s Daughter: Actually Robocop, that’s not Triple H…well technically it is, but STAN: The Evil Troll Lord has possessed Triple H’s body.

Robocop: Acknowledged Maam, but I’m no longer Robocop. I’m now known as “C.S. Robocop”. After my life was ended by The Ratings Reaper, The Trolla Corporation recovered my brain and used it to refurbish a half damaged Robocop, thus turning me into a new and improved bionic crime fighting machine.

Mike’s Daughter: But what’s the difference anyway?

C.S. Robocop: (*points to STAN*) Well, you could say: unlike that creep from hot fires of hell, I’m…(*puts on sunglasses*)…A LOT COOLER.

STAN/Triple H: Dammit-ah! I thought that Triple H buried your ass in Detroit a few months a…(*STAN’s personality suddenly changes*)…Help! It’s me, Triple H-ah. I’m sorry for trying to bury you Robocop, but would you please help “Take The Devil Out Of Me-ah”!

C.S. Robocop: Citizen. I’ll see what I can d…(*C.S. Robocop is suddenly struck by lighting*)

Mike Check: OH?! What in sam hill just happened there?!?!

STAN/Triple H: Bwhahahah! Thanks Damien, my son. That bionic fool just fell for my swerve once again. Well let’s just say; I’d buy that for a dollar-ah! Bwhahahah!…(*awkward silence*) Really-ah?! Why doesn’t my music play after my one-liner-ah?!

Mike’s Daughter: Because it made no sense you asshole!

Damien: Well, what does make sense is that Robocop has finally been destroyed for good thanks to my “fire and fury”! Bwhahaha!…(*awkward silence*) Really, no cool music for me either?! Whatever, President Trump used it, so it’s cool as far as I’m concerned! *sigh* (*To STAN*) Father, I’m starting to get tired of toying around with these infidels! When can—

STAN/Triple H: Patience son—

Damien: (*stamps his feet*) Aw, but I want to take them to back hell, now!

Triple H: Okay, okay, tomorrow-ah, I promise-ah! (*to Mike Check*) So today, I suggest that you play one last song Mike-ah?!

Mike Check: Well I hope you fellers like this George Jones song, and pray that Jesus “Take The Devil Out Of”…THE MACKER!

Burn In Hell by Twisted Sister

Mike’s Daughter: STAN…Triple H…or whoever you are? Wait! Before you take us to hell, could you at least explain why you possessed Triple H’s body?

Triple H (*who is still possessed by STAN*): Well you see-ah, a few months ago, Triple H-ah needed some help preventing The Ratings Reaper from cancelling WWE 205 Live due to its low ratings-ah. I did this by persuading the Ratings Reaper to cease if he would lend Triple H his robe and staff-ah. You see-ah, The Ratings Reaper was unhappy that the Trolla Corporation was resurrecting C.S Irwin into a bionic crime fighter C.S Robocop-ah. Anyway, Triple H ambushed Robocop by dressing as The Ratings Reaper at a Detroit press conference and then smashed him with his sledgehammer-ah. But little did Triple H know is that I also had secretly swerved him by telling The Ratings Reaper to cancel WWE NXT instead-ah.

Mike’s Daughter: NXT, cancelled? But I never heard anything about…

STAN/Triple H: Oh yes, that’s because Triple H became desperate and did a deal with me to save his NXT brand-ah by promising to give Enzo Amore a title push on 205 Live so I would quickly reinstate NXT before the news got leaked on the Internet-ah. But what Mr. Levesque didn’t bargain for was that I then possessed his body-ah. And I was able to work my way back here by sending my son Damien here to terrorize you until I, posing as “The Game”, came here to supposedly “save the day-ah”. So now that I have returned, I have come to take you and your geriatric father back with me to hell-ah…but I was also thinking, while I’m in this body, that I will also fire all the ugly woman that Triple H hired for the Women’s division and the Mae Young classic, and forcing the few of the hot chicks that are left to join my “SUCK IT” club…if you know what I mean-ah?

Mike’s Daughter: Joining the “Suck It Club”? Sadly…yes I do know.

STAN: Huh?!

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there–

Mike’s Daughter: Never-mind–

Damien (*getting impatient*): Enough with the ‘Rated R’ talk! Father, when are we possessing these fools already?!

STAN: Patience son-ah. Mike Check and daughter will “Burn In Hell” soon enough-ah! bwhahahaha!

King Of Kings / Hellraiser by Motörhead

Damien: Mike Check, your time on this earth is short and I’m getting bored of toying with you! But soon, my father co–

(*Unknown voice from a distance*): Not so fast-ah!

Mike’s Daughter: Triple H?

Triple H: That’s right-ah! Behold, I am “The King of Kings” Triple H-ah and I’ve come here to Folsom to bury-ah Damian; the spawn of Stan-AH!

Damien *scared and on his knees*: Please don’t hurt me Triple H?! I’m just a poor little little boy. It was all my father’s fault!

Mike’s Daughter (*to Mike Check*): Wow. Why is Damien so scared of Triple H?

Mike Check: (*to his daughter*) I don’t understand anything that goes on around here darlin?

Triple H (*to Damien*): You’re damn right this is your father’s fault-ah! And you wanna know why?!

Damien: (*his frown turns into a grin*): Yes…father. (*bows and starts speaking in tongues*)

Mike’s Daughter: Father?! Wait what’s going on here?!

Triple H (*looks at Mike and his daughter and his eyes turn fiery red*): Were you expecting someone else-ah? Do you recognize me Mike-ah?

Mike Check: Yes feller. You’re Triple A? And you have a nasty case of Pink-eye, perhaps you should see a doctor about that?

Triple H: Really Mike? Pink eye-ah? My eyes are the color of the fires of hell-ah! But yes-ah, the body that I possess is that of WWE’s COO Triple H-ah but do you remember who I really am-ah?!

(*Mike Check pauses and scratches his head*)

Mike’s Daughter (*face-palms*): Dad! It’s STAN: The Evil Troll Lord! (*to the possessed Triple H*) And you asshole, you know full well that you’re not allowed to be here ever since you lost our song battle back in April!

Triple H/STAN: Have you ever known me to play by the rules-ah! Just like my possessed body would say: ‘I am The Game and I make the rules’!

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t think he actually ever said that? That was a line from his theme by Motorh–

Triple H/STAN (*interrupts*): Whatever?! That’s not important-ah! But what is important is that I’m here now to finish what I started and that’s to take your souls-ah! Isn’t that right Damian my son my son-ah?

Damian: (*gets up and stands next to STAN*) That’s right, father! Let’s raise Hell! Bwhahaha!

Mike’s Daughter (*gulps*): Oh crap!

Return To Church by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth / Devil In A Fast Car by Sheena Easton

Mike’s Daughter: Are Angry Jim and his Japanese cousin still fighting out there?

Mike Check: Looks out the window. I’m afraid so darlin’. It seems that this fight is very…very…very…very long. It kinda reminds me of this film where this feller finds some sunglasses and sees Aliens, so he tries to get his friend to put him on but he refuses so they have a fight which seemed six hours long–

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, you mean “They Live” starring “Rowdy” Roddy Piper…oh that gives me an idea? If no one “living” can help us with our “devil child Damien problem, perhaps I could get out the Seancetrolla and summon a ghost that I think could help us? (*gets out Seancetrolla and starts chanting*) Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*appears and stands outside Mike’s front door with a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew gum bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all outta bubblegum!

Mike’s Daughter: Great. Now, can you shoot Damien for me?

Damien: Oh no, I’m a goner! I better summon some help right now?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper : Mama don’t like tattletales!

(*Just as The Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper is about to pull the trigger of his shot gun, The Boogeyman appears*)

[Theme: “Coming To Get Ya!” by Jim Johnston]

The Boogeyman: Bwhahahaha! (*smashes a clock over his head*) I’m The Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to get ya!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You know, you look like your head fell in cheese dip back in 1957!

Mike’s Daughter: Wait? Who are you talking to?

Mike Check (*hiding behind his daughter*): Roddy’s talking to The Boogeyman! Oh no there, he’s coming to get me!

Mike’s Daughter (*looks around*): What Boogeyman?!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You can’t see him?! He’s right here in front of you!

(*The Boogeyman waves at Mike’s Daughter*)

Mike’s Daughter: Where?!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*takes off his sunglasses and gives them to Mike’s Daughter*): Put these glasses on!

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t think that will work…?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: I said, put them on!

Mike’s Daughter: Okay, okay! (*puts the glasses on and looks around*) Nope.

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Really?! Nothing?!

Mike’s Daughter: No…wait…where did all those “Mike Check Is My Favorite Wrestlecrap Radio TNA Correspondent” billboards come from?… I guess that might actually explain your popularity dad?!

Damien: Fools! Why are you all standing around! Why don’t you fight each other like I made them (*Damien points over to Angry Jim and Jimichiro Rosshu who are still fighting but are now tired and are leaning on each other while trying to throw punches. They then both collapse*)…?!

Boogeyman (*sigh*): Jimichiro-sama! I’m comin’ to get ya! (*goes to Jimichiro’s almost unconscious body and drags him away*)

Mike’s Daughter: What’s happening?!

Mike Check: Weelll, that Japanese feller over there made a Boogeyman robot to kidnap Ringo Starr two years ago and I guess he’s now dragging his master back home?

Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman robot?! I still can’t see who you’re all looking at?! But…I now see Bob Caudle dragging Angry Jim away?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: No, I’m not talking about Bob Caudle! You still don’t see The Boogeyman?! And I thought I lost a lot of brain cells?! (*takes his sunglasses away from Mike’s Daughter*)! Now what was I here for again?!

Damien (*points across the road*): Look! There’s a kid not wearing neon green and I think that other kid next to him might be eating candy before he taking it home?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Agghh! (*runs across the road, dodging cars almost running him over, and starts chasing the random Trick or Treaters*) Hey kid! You forgot to say “Please and Thank Ya!”

Damien: And watch out for the “Idiots In Cars”! Bwhahahah!

Mike Check: Fascinating.

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