The Man In Me By Goldy Locks

*Doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Uuuhhh….

*doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Can you chill with the noise?

*knocking on the door*

Mike’s Daughter Go away! I’m trying to sleep

Mike’s Daughter: OK! OK! I’m up! I’m up! You don’t have to play that god awful song! *Opens the door to reveal a 500-pound Dixie riding a Rascal scooter* Uh…Dixie. You look.

Dixie: Buff right sugah? *drinks an entire Milkshake in one shot*

Mike’s Daughter: More like. Well. I would say your more than the size of Yokozuna more than anything and he was not…well.

Dixie: Oh come on there sugah, *opens a quart of Dreyer’s Rocky Road Ice Cream* I know your jealous of lil’ ole me! *stuffs face in the quart*

Mike’s Daughter: More like sickened really. Why the hell are you even here in the first place?!?

Dixie: Like I told you when I last called sugah, I felt real bad about your money problems there so I wanna invest my money into your radio station there sugah.

Mike’s Daughter: Like I said the last time, didn’t your dad cut you off?

Dixie: *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s California Caramel Almond Crunch* Mmmrfh, Mmrfh-rfh.

Mike’s Daughter: What’s that?

Dixie: After? Daddy is willing to help me out. After. After *sob*

Mike’s Daughter: After?

Dixie (cries): SERGE LEFT ME!

Mike’s Daughter: AW! I should be sad but really–

Dixie: To use a naughty word that the youngin’s say, Fk That Owl! After Anthem Sports threw me out I went into a great depression so I decided to get back by working out–

Mike’s Daughter: You mean you started to drown your sorrows in ice cream?

Dixie: Daddy was going to help me out one more time to get me back on my lil’ ole feet… *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup* So he wanted to invest into your dad’s station. I wanted to tell you this sugah but…oh my, this is awful embarrassing… I lost my phone in a quart of Rum Raisin. Oh, now I’m makin’ ME blush. So how about it sugah?

Mike’s Daughter: Ah? Can I get back to you on that?

Rolling In The Deep by Adelle

Mike’s Daughter: Oh crap! There has been no music played since Dad went to jail! Where’s my music collection? *gets out a giant CD album and opens it*. Let’s see…*turns page* Nope…*turns page* AW! This Adelle CD will “play well in this market” as Dad would say. Playing “Rolling In The Deep” would be perfect. *opens cd player, puts cd in and closes cd player*. Well…*pushes a couple of buttons* play damn you! Play! *hits fist on console*

Mike’s Daughter: Um…That’s not “Rolling In The Deep”? Come on you! *pushes some more buttons* WORK!

Mike’s Daughter: I have various Doctorates and Master’s Degrees yet I can’t make this damn thing work!!! Come you! WORK! *kicks Mike Check’s radio console*

Mike’s Daughter: Manos The Hands of Fate?!? Well this is considered–NO! WORK YOU MOTHER F***ING PIECE OF CRAP!!! WORK!!! *grabs and tries to shake console*

Mike’s Daughter: Hey! They stole my idea! Now LOOK you piece of S**T! At the beginning Dad said he had a show I thought it was cute for awhile, he then asked for various junk pieces and I said sure why not entertain him since he’s under house arrest. Now DAD IS IN JAIL and all I need to do is to run THIS ADELLE CD and your not even doing it! WORK DAMN YOU! WORK!!! *slams fist on console*

Mike’s Daughter: GOD DAMN YOU!!!

*Mike’s Daughter grabs a baseball to smash Mike Check’s radio console in anger, but trips, head plants into the radio console, and falls unconscious*

Mike’s Daughter: Youuuu*snores*

Just Don’t Care Anymore by American Fangs

*The Conversation continues…*

Raging_Demons: Woah there! I’ve never seen you this pissed! Usually you take whatever crap Angry Jim gives out.

RVM Kai: I know. And here I thought that Jim was behaving himself since “that tragedy”.

Raging_Demons: You mean since his wife…moved to The Canary Islands?

RVM Kai: Yeah. But now he’s worse than ever!? But on top of that, you caught me at a bad time because I was just on the phone before that…that…whatever the hell that was about?!

Raging_Demons: You picked up THAT Midnight Rose call?!? What did he promise this time?

RVM Kai: No, it wasn’t one of Midnight Rose’s girlfriends, in fact it was Mike Check’s Daughter.

Raging_Demons: No wonder you’re pissed? What the hell did that skanky ass whore want this time?

RVM Kai: Well Mike Check has been sent back to Prison because there was apparently some deal with Premier Blah that he could only stay out as long as Mike worked for us.

Raging_Demons: Yup, your right.

RVM Kai: WHAT?!? You knew?! Why am I only just finding out about this now?

Raging_Demons: Premier Blah explained it to me. After PB, the police, and basically what felt like forever after they found me in Mike Check’s old house thanks to what her daughter did to me. I was in the hospital healing up, and I guess PB felt sorry for what he put me through, so he explained the secret to me. And that was that Folsom Prison and the police weren’t going to let Mike Check out after the stunt that his daughter caused so he worked out basically one hell of a parole deal. I mean I would want this deal if I got sent to jail!

RVM Kai: What’s in the deal?

Raging_Demons: Well…Basically it went like this: Mike Check had to follow the rules of probation meaning if he broke just one little law, he goes back in jail. If he associated with any known gang members or criminals, he goes back in jail. If he escape house arrest, he goes back in jail. PB asked for a few more conditions to be added.

RVM Kai: Like…?

Raging_Demons: In return for working with us Mike’s prison sentence gets reduced by the time he was working for the company. If Mike Check screwed us over he goes back in jail.

RVM Kai: He did!

Raging_Demons: No that was his daughter. So Mike escaped that one. If Mike Check injured or hurt anybody on he goes back in jail. And the big one, if Mike Check was fired or he quit then he goes back in jail.

RVM Kai: And he did when he accepted STAN’s offer to save his arse from us thus quitting

Raging_Demons: Exactly. Also a good thing too since PB had to pay a LOT of money for Mike Check to get under house arrest. The money we had to pay for that ankle bracelet alone to maintain was insane!

RVM Kai: STAN pulled off a real dick move on Mike Check. I feel sorry for the guy.

Raging_Demons: Not me. I just don’t care anymore. Really. After what those two put me through for 6+ years I would not wish that on anyone. I–*checks smartphone* What the?

RVM Kai: What?

Raging_Demons: The Accounting Department was helping me out with closing Mike Check’s expense account since I was helping you out and with my new assignment, they saw something weird?

RVM Kai: You got a new assignment? Who is it? And how weird?

Raging_Demons: Well all I can say is that he was looking for a Shake Weight since the old one got broken.

RVM Kai: HIM?!? The last time he wanted a rep Iggy was doing a favor for him, and Iggy hasn’t been seen since!

Raging_Demons: I’ll be fine. Kai are you still on a call with her?

RVM Kai: No why?

Raging_Demons: Looks like your phone is off the hook there.

RVM Kai: Oh?! Son Of A–

– – – – –

Mike’s Daughter: STAN’s behind this?!? Now I really got to get Dad out of jail!

Airplanes by B.o.B ft Hayley Williams

*Mike Check’s Daughter was right. In a fit of rage dealing with her, RVM Kai forgot to hang up on her. The following is a conversation that takes place with her still connected on the phone*

RVM Kai (breathes a sigh of relief): We definitely need to get a better front desk person. We did all that for Mike Check’s herpe-ridden daughter?!?

Raging_Demons (yelling from the background): NO JIM!

Angry Jim Ross (yelling from the background): AND WHY THE HELL NOT FAKE DEAL!

RVM Kai: Guys! Can you come in here please you’re making a lot of noise! *Brings Raging_Demons and Angry Jim Ross in and closes the door* Okay. Now what’s going on here?

Raging_Demons: Jim wants to sleep with Dark Journey! AGAIN!

RVM Kai: JIM! We already talked about this!

Raging_Demons: Oh it gets much complicated than that!

RVM Kai: How complicated?

Angry Jim: Well Kai, I wanna open my own airline franchise, with a lot of airplanes sellin’ my barbecue, and I want Dark Journey to be my head stewardess!

RVM Kai: Wait! WHAT?!?! I only had you at United to sell your damn barbecue?! What the hell happened with that?!

Angry Jim: Some damn son of a b***h complained about having a barbecue meal so I had him thrown out of a plane!


Raging_Demons: Oh it gets better! To correct the damage that Jim caused I had him at a local airport managing the airport meals there but it got interesting.

RVM Kai: Interesting as in…?

Angry Jim: Those, probably vegan, a**h***s refused to eat my meat after I gave them free samples so I shut down the airline, had their flights rescheduled, and I told them to go–

RVM Kai: JIM!!!

Angry Jim: So I figured I’d get some big airplanes to sell barbecue and then have some small planes to drop family meals of 4 on people’s heads. Then I get Dark Journey as the head stewardess because stewardess’ love to–


Angry Jim: But–!

Raging_Demons: Told you it was a bad idea Jim.

Angry Jim: Go Fu–

RVM Kai: JIM!!

Angry Jim: Fine. By the way you’re still gettin’ me to call Brock Lesnar vs Samoa Joe right?!

RVM Kai: Leave before I get you to call King Maxel vs Wolfgang Hardy!

Angry Jim: Oh and Fake Deal! You can go FLOP Yourself! *opens and slams door*

Please be Patient by Feist/99 Problems by Jay Z (EXPLICIT)

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t know why I should but…what the hell! *checks smartphone*

Mike’s Daughter: This has to be the worst call in the history of Mankind!

*call connecting*

Mike’s Daughter: Oh THANK GOD! I’m finally going to get someone to speak about this!

*call connecting*

RVM Kai: This is RVM Kai Speaking…Excuse me, I have to read the following disclosure: (*clears throat*) “If you have been on this call for a long time then The Midnight Rose must have promised you something really big. The Midnight Rose always promises anything to a particular “pelican” like your


RVM Kai: Uh? But that’s what I have here on my screen here saying that one of The Midnight Rose’s girlfriends are on the phone?

Mike’s Daughter: SCREW THE MIDNIGHT ROSE! This is Mike Check’s Daughter here. My dad’s just been arrested and is heading back to jail! I want to know what the hell did you guys do to send him back to jail!

RVM Kai: Oh?! It’s you! Look, I don’t know and I don’t care! Things have been a lot happier around here since you two left the company! Now if you’ll excuse me–

Mike’s Daughter: Don’t you hang up the god damn phone! I want to know what you guys did to my dad?!

RVM Kai: Don’t look at me?! I never handled your dad, it was Raging_Demons that handled your dad! I was there to help run his show, more recently a lot too since Raging_Demons has been flaking out on his job as of late!! But there are only two people that probably know what’s going on with your problem, and that’s Premier Blah, who’s out of the country right now, and Raging_Demons–


RVM Kai: I can’t! Now that you two are gone, Raging_Demons is currently awaiting his next assignment on which Wrestlecrap Radio star he will be assigned to next. Right now he’s doing a few favors for me at the moment.

Mike’s Daughter: Then I’m not getting off the phone until he gets back.

RVM Kai (sighs): Look! I’ve usually been the one that gave you the benefit of the doubt when it came to the crap that Raging_Demons always said about you. I thought it was all “rumor and innuendo” until two months ago when I saved both of your ungrateful arses when STAN came “THIS CLOSE” to taking your souls! Oh, and I still never got much of a thank you for that by the way?! And you know, I don’t usually swear that often, but now that I see you for what you really are, as far as I’m concerned, it’s like Angry Jim Ross always says; you can go–

*Mike’s Daughter gasps*

RVM Kai: Yourself!! Right now, like Jay Z; “I have 99 Problems” to deal with and a “bitch like you ain’t none”! There, I said it!

Mike’s Daughter: Well of all the god damn nerve that little nerd has! Wait! Why didn’t he hang up? Hm…

Please Be Patient by Feist/The Game by Drowning Pool

Mike’s Daughter (yawns): OH crap! I forgot my phone! Its easy to forget things when your trying to drink away Dad’s latest embarrassment. Where is it? *searches* Oh there it is!

Mike’s Daughter: I’M…STILL ON HOLD?!? How in the hell am I still on hold?!? Its feel like I’ve been on hold for at least a few days! Maybe watching some more TV will kill time.
(*turns on TV to the local news*)

– – – –
Newsperson 1: With the reports of Saudi Arabia making their own Robocop, a lot of citizens in the United States are not happy about this.

Newsperson 2:Especially in the Detroit area since they have their own Robocop in the area before Saudi Arabia did. Lets go live on the scene with Chet Udontbetcha. Chet?

Chet Udontbetcha: I’m here in Detroit where the Detroit PD is about to have a press conference with something that looks like a metal man. Looks like the Police Chief is about to speak.

Police Chief: We hear in the Detroit PD are angry that-that land of whatever is stealing OUR credit! We have our own Robocop for years! In fact Robocop has a few words for you!

*Robocop walks up to the stage*


*Robocop glitches into CS Irwin*

CS Irwin:..out of trouble.

Police Chief (clapping): Yes! yes! *whispering loudly to someone backstage* I thought you fixed that?!? Ladies and–What is that?!?

Chet Udontbetcha: Wellll after that there’s a huge pile of smoke that’s appearing out of nowhere! Someone is coming out of it! Its some…thing. OH MY GOD! ITS THE GRIM REAPER!!! HE’S GOING TO KILL US ALL! WAIT! HE’S TAKING OFF HIS HOOD! ITS–ITS–WWE Superstar Triple H?!? Triple H is pointing his scythe which is firing something at Robocop! HE’S DOWN! ROBOCOP’S DOWN! Now Triple H is walking over to the fallen Robocop. Triple H is saying–something to Robocop that we in the audience can’t hear. WAIT! Triple H is about to say something.

Triple H: Listen up old man! I AM THE GAME AND I AM THAT…DAMN…GOOD!!!

– – – –

Mike’s Daughter (shutting off TV): God damn it! Does Triple H has to do stupid stuff like this to put himself over?!?

Please be Patient by Feist / Bad Boys by Inner Circle

Mike’s Daughter: Grrrr!!! I’m still on hold?! Those dweebs over at better pay for the charges! Well, it seems that I’ll be waiting a while, so why don’t I see what’s on TV (*turns on TV onto Spike*)

– – – –
*Voice on TV: “COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law”*
– – – –

Mike’s Daughter: COPS? Meh. Let’s see what’s on another ch…(*sees an old man escaping from a police car*) Wait?…Is that…dad?

– – – –
*ON TV: Mike Check (*handcuffed and slowly running away from the police*): No. I’m not going to prison again?! You’ll never catch me there fellers!

Officer #1: (*to Officer #2) He’s…slowly getting away! Get him!

(*Officer #2 casually walks over to Mike and grabs him while Officer #1 pepper sprays him*)

Mike Check: AHHHH! My eyes!

Officer # 2: Was that really necessary?

Officer #1: Sorry, force of habit.

Mike Check: Now I know how that Rodney Smith, or was it Larry King, feels?!…

Officer #1: Sorry about that sir but we have our strict orders to bring you back to prison.

Mike Check (*while being dragged by the two officers back to the police car*) : Well fellers, if I was over at KMCR I’d be playing “Bad Boys” by Inner Circle right now because you fellers are a couple of “bad boys”, let me tell you. (*Mike is put back in police car*)*
– – – –

Mike’s Daughter (*face-palms*): This is so embarrassing.

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