The Girl’s A Devil by The Dukays

(*knock at the door*)

Mike’s Daughter (*opens door*): Oh, not you again?!

[Theme: “Tony’s Theme” by Giorgio Moroder]

The Midnight Rose: Eey chica. The Midnight Rose is back and ready to make you my wife, mang!

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you doing here?! Didn’t you get the hint that I didn’t want you in my life after my dad, who’s probably like 50 years your senior, kicked your ass like four months ago!?

The Midnight Rose: But chica. Your son told me that you wanted me back on the Tweeter, mang?

Mike Daughter: My so…I don’t have a…?! Oh, let me guess. See this devil kid here (*points to Damien*), this is Damien the son of STAN The Evil Troll Lord, I’m guessing that he trolled you by posing as “my so-called son”, thus misleading you to come all the way here? So just like Mark Tyson from yesterday, I suggest that you leave before he does something bad to you?!

The Midnight Rose: This is reedicculous! “Something bad”?! I wanna do something bad to you now, chica! (*grabs Mike’s daughter*) I’m taking you to church right…(*stops*) Wait, chica!? What happened to your boobs?!

Mike Daughter: I told you, Damien does bad things to people. A few days ago this brat ruined my second biggest asset, other than my brain of course.

(*The Midnight Rose, Mike Check and Damien all start laughing*)

Mike Daughter: I’m serious! Screw you guys! (*runs to her room sobbing*)

The Midnight Rose: Forget it mang. I don wanna love some small tittied pelican anyways. but Eey little mang, if you got the power of the devil, why don you get The Midnight Rose a pelican wit big pineapples for me right now before you (*points a gun at Damien*) say hello to my little friend!

Damien: Okay, I think I can help you out? You want a full-figured woman right?!

The Midnight Rose: Sí! The bigger the better, mang!

[Theme: “The Man In Me” by Goldy Locks]

(*An overweight Dixie Carter arrives in an ice cream van and shuffles over to Mike Check’s front door*)

Dixie: Weelll there sugah, is this the handsome masked man that whats to marry lil’ ole me?

The Midnight Rose: Little?! No Chica! There must be some mistake?!

Dixie: Oh my! Your such a handsome man. Why don’t you take off that luchador mask and give me some sugah, sugah!

The Midnight Rose: No! This pelican looks more like a 500 pound turkey, mang! I tink the “Girl’s A Devil”! Say goodbye to the bad guy! (*runs away*)

Damien: Bwhahahah!

Dixie: What are you giggling at sugah? That was my only chance at a man lovin’ lil’ ole me ever since my husband Serge left me. Boo Hoo Hoo. (*gets back into her ice cream truck, scoffs down a couple of Dixie Cups before driving off and chases after the direction of The Midnight Rose*).

Mike Check: …Fascinating.

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Veil Of Fire by Jim Johnston / Race With The Devil by Gene Vincent And His Blue Caps

(*knock at the door*)

Mike Check (*opens front door*): Who are you there feller?

Iron Mark Tyson: Mike, don’t you remember me? This is Iron Mark Tyson and, ah, I was listening to your show, as I do everyday. And today I’m here to help you because I’m outlandishly depressed over the egregious tension that this Damien kid has caused you.

Mike Check: Well that’s swell there feller–

Damien: Silence Mike! (*to Mark Tyson*) So what are you going to do? “Punch Out” a little kid in public?

Iron Mark Tyson: No. That’s ludicrous! I’m not sure about the rumors that you’ve heard about me but I’m not a violent person. But I have brought an army of my trained pigeons to attack you (*Throws bird seed at Damien and then summons a flock of his pigeons with a whistle*) Attack!

(*The pigeons swarm toward Damien…but they immediately fly away*)

Iron Mark Tyson: Heyy?! Come Back!

Damien: Really? Pigeons? You wanted to attack me with pigeons? They’re the most cowardly species of bird out there? At least Sting had that ugly bird that scared Eric Bischoff that time in TNA.

Iron Mark Tyson: Oh no! You’re right~ I should have brought that big scary bird to attack you! What was I thinking?

Damien: What are y…??? I was being facetious! (*sigh*) What a “mark”!

Mike’s Daughter: Mark, you’re not helping, so I suggest you get out of here before Damien attacks you in some way.

Damien: Yeah. Do what the vile woman says Mike. Before I summon WWE Superstar Kane by making you say “that date”.

Iron Mark Tyson: What “date”? You mean “May 19”?

(*Kane appears and starts running towards Mark Tyson with a meat hook causing Mark to race down the street like hell*)

Kane: DON’T SAY THAT DATE!!! (*chases Mark Tyson but stops in front of Mike and his daughter and his angry expression turns into a smile*): Oh, don’t forget, make sure to tell your listeners in Knox County, Tennessee to vote for Glen Jacobs, a kinder and gentler candidate for Mayor in 2018 (*gives the thumbs up but his smile immediately turns back into anger as he continues to chase Mark Tyson down the street*) I’ll get you for saying that date you dumb mark!!!

Mike’s Daughter: (*face-palms and sighs*) What a “mark”.

Children Of The Damned by Iron Maiden

Damien: While I’m here Mike Check, I wanna make your house into my personal playground! But where are all the mortal children for me to play with?!

Mike Check: Well there little feller, although Mike has allegedly many…many…many…many children out there, my only child here is my daughter, and you can’t play with her since she’s…

Mike’s daughter: Dad! Don’t! It’s rude to talk about a woman’s age!

Mike Check: Weeelll uh…?

Damien: No! I don’t want to play with that hag! I wanna invite some children over!

(*knock at the door*)

Mike Check: I’ll get it. (*walks over to and open the front door and sees Jake Lloyd Jr. standing there*) Why hello there…wait, you better not kick me in ‘the jimmy’ Jack Lord Junior like you keep doin’ to me ever since we first met at that Star Wars convention?

Jake Lloyd Jr: No. A kid tweeted me to meet him here so we could play Star Wars! Where is he?

Damien: Over here!

Jake Lloyd Jr: Wait?! You’re that kid who’s dad possessed my dad, Jake Lloyd, to get all those drink driving arrests?!

Damien: I’m sorry about that Jake. Don’t you want to play a game with me?

Jake Lloyd Jr: No! I hate you! You’re worse than Darth Vader and Kylo Ren put together!

Damien: But but?! Don’t you wanna play a game called “Roshambo”?!

Jake Lloyd Jr: Well no but…how did you know that is my favorite game?

Damien: It’s my favorite game too. Oh, but since you still hate me, why don’t you go first?

Mike Check: I don’t get your particular reference there kids? What’s “Roshambo”?

Damien: Well, Jake will kick me in the testicles first really hard and then it’s my turn to–

(*Jake Lloyd Jr wastes no time as he immediately kicks Damien in the testicles before he finishes his sentence but his shoe catches fire*)

Jake Lloyd Jr: Aghhh! My foot’s on fire! (*quickly throws his shoe away and runs off*) Daddy! Help! (*gets into his father’s car and speeds away*)

Damien: “Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!” Bye Bye Jake!

Mike Check: Nope. If this is your way of requesting Jerry Lee Lewis here today, then don’t bother! Because you “Children Of The Damned” are only going to hear Iron Maiden here on…THE MACKER!

Damien: Who said anything about…?

Mike’s daughter: It’s a long story. Don’t bother.

Damien: Whatever. But here’s a story; Did you know that I was the one who inspired Vince McMahon to call one of his WWE special events that earlier in the year?

Mike’s Daughter (*sigh*): Why am I not suprised?

Stephen King’s IT (End Credits) by Richard Bellis / Murder Was The Case by Snoop Dogg

Mike’s Daughter: Damien! You little brat! You deflated my boobs! And now they’re…they’re–

Mike Check (*comes closer*): Actually…(*makes a closer inspection and then covers his eyes*) Not that an old father wishes to view and judge his daughter’s…you know…but it’s not that bad at all? They’re not even misshaped or anything darlin’? It seems that he just made them–

Mike’s Daughter: Hideous!

Mike Check: No. Actually, judging by the sizes of all the fillies boobs that I’ve seen over the years, they seem to look…normal sized.

Mike’s Daughter (*bursts into tears*): Now how am I supposed to charge double my clients at work with these tiny…things?!…Uh, never-mind what I said dad.

Mike Check: I don’t understand that particular reference there anyway? But can you go find a smaller bra or something to wear so I can uncover my eyes.

(*As Mike’s Daughter rushes upstairs to change, Mike uncovers his eyes and a clown, aka Pennywise from the movie: “IT”, pops up in front of him*)

“Pennywise”: Hiya, Mikey! Peek-A-Boo!

Mike Check (*jumps back*): Aaaaahhhh! Gosh! Darn It! A clown! (*goes and hides*) Get that feller away from me before I suffer another heart attack!

“Pennywise”: Mikey? Aren’t cha gonna say… “hello?”

Mike Check: No! Go away there feller! I’d rather go to hell with that young Damon feller over there?

“Pennywise”: Ohhh… come on, bucko! Don’t pee your pants?

Damien (*interrupts*): Hey! Find some other time to torment Mike Check, I was here first! And who in my father’s realm are you anyway?!

“Pennywise”: I am Pennywise the dancing clown! You look like a nice boy, I bet you have a lot of friends?

Damien: No “CLOWN”, I do not! Go dance back into the gutter from which you came!

“Pennywise”: Oh come on? Don’t you want a…balloon?

Damien: I’ll give you one more chance to leave before I burst you like a balloon just like I did to Mike Check’s daughter’s boobs!

“Pennywise”: Boobs?! I bet they float?! And did you also put Prince Albert in a can?…You did? Well you better let the poor guy out?! (*points to his crotch and makes humping motion*) *BEEP BEEP* Whoohahahahaaa!

Damien: Prince Albert?! What the f…?! That’s it! (*Damien’s eyes turn fiery red and uses his evil power to launch “Pennywise” like a rocket in the air and he bursts like a balloon*)

Mike Check: Why thank ya there little feller for getting rid of that clown. (*motions to hug Damien but stops when he sees that Damien’s eyes are still red*) Ah…maybe not? So does this mean that you’re not taking me back to hell after-all?

Damien: Of course you still going to hell! I only “murdered” that clown because he was annoying as “heaven”! But where you’ll soon be going, there will be clowns everywhere! Lucky for you that my father will not be returning quite yet! But in the meantime, I may stay a while and toy with you and your neighborhood some more. I see why you mortals find Halloween so fun! Bwhahaha!

Little Devil by Neil Sedaka

*knock at the door*

Mike Check: Darlin, don’t get the door. There’s some scary little kid out there and–

Mike’s Daughter: Of course there is dad. It’s Halloween, every kid out there is supposed to be scary looking. Why would you be…oh perhaps he was dressed as a clown?

Mike Check: No. This particular kid was a lot scarier than a clown.

Mike’s Daughter: So how did he or she look like?

Mike Check: He was dressed in some black clothes. Darlin, perhaps that Pope feller that was here at the start of the month was right about a devil child coming to get us?

Mike’s Daughter: Oooohh scary. And the guy turned out to be a drunk mental patient, remember. It’s probably just some goth or emo kid out there?

(*knock at the door again*)

Mike Check: No, don’t–

Mike’s Daughter: Stop it dad. (*opens door*) Hello?

Damien: Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!

Mike’s Daughter: Oooohh scary. So who are you supposed to be kid?

Damien: I am Damien, son of STAN: The Evil Troll Lord! And Mike’s Daughter, you to will feel the wrath of—!

Mike’s Daughter: Really? I’m sooo scared; (*does air quotes*) “Son of STAN”. So what are you gonna do to me? Set me on fire or something?

Mike Check (*shouts from a far*): No! Anything but fire?!

Mike’s Daughter: Stop it dad! (*to Damien*) And speaking of “Dad”, yours is banned from our show. So why don’t you get the “hell” back to…”hell” before we ban you too!

Damien (*grins*): Oh don’t worry, I’ll be back there, but so will you. But first, let me grab something from you. (*Damien grabs Mike’s Daughter’s air balloon sized boobs*)

Mike’s Daughter: Hey! You’re too young! Fu…My boobs! Oh my god, they’re shrinking! What’s happening?! They’re…they’re…deflating?! “You Little Devil”!

(*Damien laughs maniacally*)

Ave Satani by Jerry Goldsmith

(*knock at the door*)

Mike Check: Oh no. I hope that’s not Sam or even that Rosemary trying to blind ole Mike again for that matter? (*opens door and sees a cranky looking boy wearing black*): Weeelll thank heavens that you don’t look like Sam…ah I mean, hello there young feller! Are you here for Trick or Treatin’?

“Young Boy”: No! I’m not here for any damn Trick or Treating!

Mike Check: Cranky little feller aren’t ya? But your costume is all wrong? If you’re supposed to be “Angry John”, you forgot your hat?

“Young Boy”: I told you! I’m not here to Trick or Treat and I’m not wearing a damn costume! I’m-

Mike Check (*interrupts and laughs*): So what’s your name there little feller?

“Young Boy” (*frustrated*): You pathetic old infidel! My name is Damien! I’m the son of the Prince of Darkness himself S–

Mike Check (*interrupts and laughs*): But you don’t look anything like Ozzy Osbourne’s kid…Oh no, I know who you’re supposed to be? You’re like that Damien Thorn in that movie The Omen! So why are you here on your own? Where’s your parents?

“Young Boy”/Damien: They’re in the seventh layer of Hell!…Look, Mike Check! Stop Interrupting me! I’m Damien, son of “STAN: The Evil Troll Lord”! And I’ve come for revenge for you banishing my father from The Mike Check Show six months ago!

Mike Check (*laughs*): How cute. You’re really into this method acting there kid. So which candy do you want I’ve got–

(*Damien really is frustrated that Mike isn’t taking him seriously and his eyes become fiery red. Damien then ignites the candy that Mike is holding in his hand into flames*)

Mike Check: (*Quickly drops the flaming candy*) Aagghh! No! Fire! But why?!

Damien (*laughs maniacally*): And that’s just a taste of what you’re gonna get this month, Mike! My arrival shall note the end of the beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my fath–

Mike Check (*slams door while Damien is talking and says to himself*): Oh darn?! He’s here!

Left Behind by Dale Oliver and Kenneth Nixon

(*knock at the door*)

Mike Check: Oh no that better not be Sam at the door?

(*A woman’s voice is heard from behind the door*)

(Mike Check:) Sounds like a pretty filly out there? Perhaps it’s not? (*opens front door*): Hello…ahhh! A clown! Oh, no it’s…is that you Rosemary?

Rosemary: Yes. Mike Check. WE are Rosemary and WE are here to find that vile…(*smacks herself on the head multiple times*)

Mike Check: Uh? Don’t hurt yourself there?

Rosemary: No. WE are fine. But it is Sexy Star, and the evil demons that she was possessed by, who will pay dearly for attempting to dislocate OUR arm two months ago at Triplemania.

Mike Check: Possessed by demons?! Wait, I wonder if that Sam…I mean…STAN feller’s behind all this? Perhaps she was possessed at the moment when she put that darn arm-bar on you? Oh my?! I wonder if that crazy Pope feller from a week ago was right when he said that STAN would return here?!

Rosemary: “Pope?” WE do not understand how The Pope is of any concern to US as he is no longer employed with Global Force Wrestling? But what will be a concern to US is when WE get OUR hands on that vile woman and WE dislocate her arms, WE dislocate her legs, and then WE will make her Decay…Decay…DECAY!!!

Mike Check: Okay there Rosemary you’re scarring ole Mike right now. But why do you want to get “ME” also involved?

Rosemary: WE don’t understand? It is only US here who will get OUR revenge, not YOU?

Mike Check: I still don’t understand that particular reference there? But…wait, I have an idea. Why don’t I help you get some revenge by organizing a re-match in my house?

Rosemary: Oh, WE find that a pleasurable idea Mike (*touches Mike’s forehead with her finger and slides it down his nose*).

Mike Check: Oh yes, I’m so turned on right now that even that clown make-up of yours doesn’t scare me. Maybe I could also make some arrangements to set up a ring filled with oil. Oh, and why don’t WE also make it a “Three Way Dance”, if you know what I mean (*winks*)?

(*Rosemary is suddenly mad and blows the dreaded black mist into Mike’s face, temporarily blinding him*)

Mike Check: Ahhh?! My eyes! I can’t see!

Rosemary: WE are not that type of girl Mike! And that is what you get for your disrespect of the female species! (*she then vanishes*)

Mike Check: But Rosemary! Where…are you still there?! Oh darn it! I think that ole Mike has been “Left Behind” here…ON THE MACKER!…That’s if I can find where that dang CD is?

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