Getting Gay with Kids (Explicit) by Matt Stone and Trey Parker
Mike’s daughter: Hi kids! It’s the very last day of April, and with the way things are going around here at the NEW Mike Check Show, it might be the very last day for this whole show also? But let’s not worry about all that and let’s focus on today’s word of the day which is; “Rainforest”. Do you know what a Rainforest is kids?
Mike Check: I do darlin’. They’re forests that get lots of rain?
Mike’s daughter: (*manages a fake laugh*) Ha Ha, dad, that’s so funny. But actually, you’re right dad.
Mike Check: I am?
Mike’s daughter: Yes. And our special guest for today knows all about Rainforests too. So let’s welcome…no, this can’t be right? Dad, did you make a mistake in the booking?
Mike Check: I’m not sure, isn’t our guest; Gifford Pinchot?
Mike’s daughter: Dad? Gifford Pinchot has been no longer with us for over 70 years? And how did you get that from…Gay Popeye???
Gay Popeye (*walks in*): Aw gyuk gyuk gyuk! Well blow me……………….
Mike Check: No, not you Happy Hawkeye?!
Gay Popeye: …………DOWN! Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk! It’z Gay Popeye herez and first offz: I didn’t know Gifford Pinchot waz sick? Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!.
Mike Check: Darlin’, I cross my heart that I didn’t invite this feller here.
Mike’s Daughter: Well he is here NOW and he’s here to talk about the rainforest…oh, and before you say anything, please behave yourself G…Happy Popeye, it’s bad enough that you’re already a very non P.C. stereotype of the LGTBQ community. We don’t want this show to be more of a disaster than it already has been?
Gay Popeye: Whyz I’m gladz to beez here, but whyz ya hesitate in callinz me “Gay”? There’s nothing wrongz with that?
Mike Check: That’s right there feller. I might not like you but I think it’s a good thing to be “gay”.
Mike’s daughter: Yes, I guess you’re both right. And dad? I’m very surprised that you said that? It seems that you’re finally learning about acceptance?
Gay Popeye: Oh! Yez Mike, and I’ve also beenz waiting forever for yez to say that? Please say it again, say it slow. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!
Mike Check: What? What did I say?
Mike’s daughter: LOOK! This whole conversation has nothing to do with Rainforests, so let’s just—
Gay Popeye: Oh speaking of Rainforrestz, I’dz like Mike, since he’z gay, to take out hiz…BIG AND BURLY…tree truck and makez it rainz all over yourz truly. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!
Mike’s daughter: GET OUT OF HERE GAY POPEYE!
(*Gay Popeye leaves*)
Mike Check: Thank ya there darlin’, when that fellers is around, ole Mike never feels very “gay”.
Mike’s daughter (*sigh*): Let’s just a play a DAMN SONG SO THE LITTLE BRA…KIDS AT HOME DON’T GET EVEN MORE OFFENDED!
Mike’s daughter: WHAT?! WHY DID WE PLAY THIS?! WE’RE FINISHED! WE’RE THROUGH!
Mike Check: Please. My precious petunia, calm yourself down there. Why can’t you just be “gay” like in the song we played by accident?
Mike’s daughter: Dad! You don’t understand that you’re using that word in an old fashioned context, “meaning “happy”, whereas in the song, it is being used as a double meaning in an offensive context…especially when it’s also implied to be involving “kids”!
Mike Check: What’s wrong with that? Back when I was a youngin’, I was “gay” all the time?
(*interrupted by a knock at the door*)
Mike’s daughter: Oh, what now?! (*opens door and Daniel Bryan is outside*)
Daniel Bryan: Your word of the day was “Rainforest” and you didn’t invite me, the only person in the world that can save them!? Ignorant! Change it!
Mike Check: Gifford Pinchot? Is that you there feller? I didn’t know you grew a beard?
Daniel Bryan: What?! No! No! No! I’m the NEW Daniel Bryan! I was HERE only a few days ago?! Don’t you even remember, you FICKLE old man?!
Mike Check: Sorry, my mistake there feller, but there’s no need to be cranky. Because like that that song; “saving the rainforest is totally gay”.
Daniel Bryan: No! No! No! (*runs up to Mike and gives him multiple “Yes” kicks*) FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE! FICKLE!
(*Mike’s daughter gives her pretend happy face a facepalm and starts crying, until she she hears another knock at the door, opens it and sees the Honkytonk Mailman*)
Honkytonk Mailman: It’s the Honkytonk Mailman here deliverin’ a special “word of the day”, straight of the presses!
Mike’s daughter: You’re too late! Go Away! (*slams door*) Uh?…Good Bye Kids.