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Mars Attacks by Misfits

Mike Check: Doc Brown is that you there feller?

Doc Brown: Yes, it’s Doctor Emmett Brown here. And STAN, I am going to put a stop to your shenanigans on Mars once and for all!

STAN: Really? You and what army?

Doc Brown: Army? Well I want you to meet a few friends that I brought along with me: C.S. Robocop, Angry Jim, Iron Mark Tyson, and The Midnight Rose. Or as I like to call then, the Crapvengers!

Angry Jim: I don’t want to be called that! Go **** yourselves! I wanted to be called “The Dependables”!

Doc Brown: JIIIIM there’s no time for that now! The fate of the world…I should I say galaxy, “depends” on it! …Or on second thought, perhaps your name is—

STAN: (*interrupts*) Crapvengers? Dependables? (*bursts out laughing*) I don’t know which name is worse? But what ever you’re called, you might as well be the “Misfits”, because that’s all you all are. But, I’d like to know how the heavens you “dumbasses”, now that’s a better name, even get here?

Doc Brown: Well, I’m glad you asked. In my travels to the future, I had discovered that the Martins had taken control of the Earth under the rule of STAN: The Evil Troll Lord, and in that time, I had also discovered that the Trolla Corporation were also secretly creating spacecrafts, from an abandoned underground Space-X laboratory, that would take man to as far as Mars. So when I had returned to the year 2018, I was supposed to arrive on the date March, 31 but there was a problem with my Delorean’s computer, which led me to arrive a few weeks too late. By that time my Delorean had broke down and I had also discovered that, not only had Mike Check been abducted, but so had his daughter. So I then gathered everyone that wanted to participate in assisting bringing them back home and saving the Earth. And Premier Blah had also gladly let me use his future rocket technology, that I brought back to modify the Delorean into a spacecraft, to get here.

STAN: That’s a nice little story Doc, but how are you going to stop me?

Angry Jim: Well, I’ll will whip you and your Mazi a***es like Government Mules!

Midnight Rose: You will say hello to my little friend, mang!

C.S. Robocop: Your move creep!

Iron Mark Tyson: I will punch you…(*all stare at him*)…What? What’s wrong with my catchphrase?

(*”The Crapvengers” charge at STAN and the Mazis but Damien uses his powers to knock them all out unconscious*)

Damien: Really? That was your army? I just took them all out myself and I’m just a kid?

STAN: Thank you son. Now my Mazi servants; take Doc Brown prisoner!

Doc Brown: I don’t think so. It seems that I had neglected to mention another minor detail STAN. I had a hunch that the probability of the chances of the “Crapvengers” in defeating you were minimal and they were merely a decoy. So I had also created a second spacecraft, which will arrive here very shortly, to carry a fifth individual to assist us. The Delorean, with the five of us, could not accommodate the large frame of this extra individual…(*the second spacecraft lands in the vicinity*)…and I think he’s just arrived!

STAN: No, it can’t be?!

Doc Brown: Yes, meet…The Great Khali!

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The Girl’s A Devil by The Dukays

(*knock at the door*)

Mike’s Daughter (*opens door*): Oh, not you again?!

[Theme: “Tony’s Theme” by Giorgio Moroder]

The Midnight Rose: Eey chica. The Midnight Rose is back and ready to make you my wife, mang!

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you doing here?! Didn’t you get the hint that I didn’t want you in my life after my dad, who’s probably like 50 years your senior, kicked your ass like four months ago!?

The Midnight Rose: But chica. Your son told me that you wanted me back on the Tweeter, mang?

Mike Daughter: My so…I don’t have a…?! Oh, let me guess. See this devil kid here (*points to Damien*), this is Damien the son of STAN The Evil Troll Lord, I’m guessing that he trolled you by posing as “my so-called son”, thus misleading you to come all the way here? So just like Mark Tyson from yesterday, I suggest that you leave before he does something bad to you?!

The Midnight Rose: This is reedicculous! “Something bad”?! I wanna do something bad to you now, chica! (*grabs Mike’s daughter*) I’m taking you to church right…(*stops*) Wait, chica!? What happened to your boobs?!

Mike Daughter: I told you, Damien does bad things to people. A few days ago this brat ruined my second biggest asset, other than my brain of course.

(*The Midnight Rose, Mike Check and Damien all start laughing*)

Mike Daughter: I’m serious! Screw you guys! (*runs to her room sobbing*)

The Midnight Rose: Forget it mang. I don wanna love some small tittied pelican anyways. but Eey little mang, if you got the power of the devil, why don you get The Midnight Rose a pelican wit big pineapples for me right now before you (*points a gun at Damien*) say hello to my little friend!

Damien: Okay, I think I can help you out? You want a full-figured woman right?!

The Midnight Rose: Sí! The bigger the better, mang!

[Theme: “The Man In Me” by Goldy Locks]

(*An overweight Dixie Carter arrives in an ice cream van and shuffles over to Mike Check’s front door*)

Dixie: Weelll there sugah, is this the handsome masked man that whats to marry lil’ ole me?

The Midnight Rose: Little?! No Chica! There must be some mistake?!

Dixie: Oh my! Your such a handsome man. Why don’t you take off that luchador mask and give me some sugah, sugah!

The Midnight Rose: No! This pelican looks more like a 500 pound turkey, mang! I tink the “Girl’s A Devil”! Say goodbye to the bad guy! (*runs away*)

Damien: Bwhahahah!

Dixie: What are you giggling at sugah? That was my only chance at a man lovin’ lil’ ole me ever since my husband Serge left me. Boo Hoo Hoo. (*gets back into her ice cream truck, scoffs down a couple of Dixie Cups before driving off and chases after the direction of The Midnight Rose*).

Mike Check: …Fascinating.

Great Balls Of Fire by Tiny Tim

(*phone rings*)

Mike Check: Hello KMCR, Mike Check here?

Vince McMahon: Well gawd damn Mike, this is WWE Chairman and CEO Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and I want to hear something by Tiny Tim, pal!

Mike Check: So which song do you want to hear there feller? “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”?

Vince McMahon: Nooo Mike, dammit! Not the gawd damn Tulips! Today WWE RAW is hosting it’s “WWE Great Balls Of Fire” Pay Per View and my big…round…no make that…my humongous grapefruits wanna hear “Grrreeat Balls Of Firrrrre!

Mike Check: But that song…

Vince McMahon: Pronouns pal! Pronouns!

Mike Check: Ah…”Great Balls Of Fire” is a Jerry Lee Lewis song, and I don’t want to go on about how much I dislike that feller for giving ole Mike such bad advice that one ti…

Vince McMahon: Shuuttuupp! “Great Balls Of Fire” is a Tiny Tim song Gawddammit! And it’s pronounced….”Grrreeaaaat Baalls Of…Fiiiiirrrrreeee”!

Mike Check: Uhhh?

Vince McMahon: Say it, Mike! Goddammit!

Mike Check: Weelll here’s “Grrreeaaaat Baalls Of Fiiiiirrrrreeee” here on…THE MACKER!…but give ole Mike a second to find the Tiny Tim record first…

Vince McMahon: Well you better find that record Mike or else….You’rrrreeeee Fiiirrrreeed! (hangs up phone*)

Mike Check: Fascinating, I’m not sure how that feller can actually fire ole Mike…(*finds record*) Oh, here it is! It seems that Tiny Tim did in fact sing “Great Balls Of Fire”, which is a terrible name to call a show, let me tell you.

(*phone rings*)

Mike Check: (*picks up phone*) KMCR. Mike Check speaking?

Geoff Petersen:

*dial tone*

Mike Check: Fascinating.

Same Old Song And Dance by Aerosmith

Midnight Rose:…That old mang Colonel Sanders may had ruined my wedding moment…BUT HE’S SURE NOT GOING TO RUIN MY WEDDING! *grabs Mike’s Daughter by the arm*

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you doing?

Midnight Rose: Hey! Come on in here chica!

*In comes a member of the infamous “Rose Garden” Mr. Fitness II*

Midnight Rose: You she here my sweet pelican not only is Mr. Fitness II is one of the strongest and healthiest men in the world but he’s also an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church. Make up with the speedy wedding, come on!

Mr. Fitness II: If anyone who does not agree with this marriage let them speak nor or forever hold their peace.

Midnight Rose: Why did you have to–

???: Oh I can think of a few reasons!

*In walks Raging_Demons*

Midnight Rose: Where were you mang? You better have some stuff for my wedding mang!

Raging_Demons: Two things. One I am no longer your representative from wrestlecrapradio.com. And two I brought a wedding gift for the “bride”.

Mike’s Daughter: Oh you’re absolutely frea–

*In walks Mike Check*

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! Its Mike Check!

Mike Check: Weeelllll! I don’t like it when a feller treats my daughter there in the wrong way. Let her go or else I’ll do something that I might regret there.

Midnight Rose: OR what mang? What are you going to do there? You’re going to kick my ass?!? You’re 100 and tree years old! I dare you–AW!

*Mike Check throws dirt in The Midnight Rose’s face, then he follows it up with a gut punch, The Midnight Rose goes down. Mike Check then follows up with a swift kick in the crotch*

Mike Check: Leave before I have to do something you will regret there feller.

Midnight Rose (cringing from the dirt in his eyes in the pain): AW! OW! You interfered in my business once too many times there MANG! OW!

*Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness II scurry off*

Raging_Demons: And you owe me 50 bucks for the Lyft Ride!

Mike’s Daughter: But! Why? How!

Raging_Demons: Easy there Chief Jay Strongbow. Let me explain. STAN was on this from the very beginning.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah I know.

Raging_Demons: No. From the VERY beginning. STAN framed you for embezzlement. He used that as a way to separate Mike from us at wrestlecrapradio.com. I didn’t notice it until we were trying to close your expense account. We had a sudden surge of money for no reason. I used PB’s elite investigators to hunt this down since your expense account was already messed with before. Someone we got into them and there was an evil aura around them. Using PB’s HP squad.

Mike’s Daughter: HP?

Raging_Demons: Harry Potter squad. Who knew that Harry Potter, D & D, and LARPing nerds as magicians can actually be useful? Anyways they detected that something evil was afoot and they directed me to STAN. STAN was in a great mood trolling Vince Russo and Jim Cornette as of late when I confronted him and found out about everything. STAN’s in deep trouble with us. He’s banned from everything from wrestlecrapradio.com. I had to correct the damage that STAN made so I went back to The Probation Board, showed my evidence, and…and–

Mike’s Daughter: What?

Raging_Demons: Mike Check’s back with us at wrestlecrapradio.com! *sob* And I’m back assigned to you two idiots! *cry*

Mike’s Daughter: Well if my dad is back that means…He’s under house arrest here with me at my home! And that means…

Mike Check: Its the “Same Old Song And Dance” by Aerosmith here on…THE MACKER!

Doc Brown: Mike quick, the universe needs–GREAT SCOTT!!! I stayed here too long. I got to leave before Triple H destroys The Ratings Reaper. Mike whatever you do, don’t play any music by The Satellite Sisters!

*Doc Brown takes off in The Delorean and disappear*

Dixie by Karen Elson with The Secret Sisters

*Doc Brown, Dixie and the Midnight Rose are all gathered at Mike Check’s house along with Mike’s Daughter*

Midnight Rose: Damn puto. He was supposed to help me out with everything and I get dropped off here by a Lyft ride of all things.

Doc Brown (whispering to Mike’s Daughter): Is this the guy that’s threatening to kill Mike Check if you don’t marry him?

Mike’s Daughter (whispering to Doc Brown) Unfortunately yes.

Midnight Rose: HEY! Don’t go whispering around me! *looks at Doc Brown* I don’t like you mang!

Doc Brown: Doctor Emmet L Brown, good to meet you sir. I can be very helpful to you. In fact I once help build a bomb for The Libyans.

Midnight Rose: Libyans huh? They were pretty bad back in the day mang. All right you can stay, but who’s the caucha gringa over there? *pointing to Dixie sticking her whole face in a quart of Dreyer’s Ice Cream*

Mike’s Daughter: Oh that’s Dixie. She’s not. Well.

Midnight Rose: Well. She smells and looks like money mang. I can use her.

*Midnight Rose is about to grab Dixie when all of a sudden a gun is pointed to the back of The Rose’s head.*

???: Feller. If you touch even one hair on my sweet buttercup you miserable low life I will give you an extra hole where you can breathe.

Midnight Rose: It’s okay, it’s okay. That’s cool mang. I’m just kidding.

Mike’s Daughter: Thanks for the rescue and all but who the hell are you?

Col. Bob Carter: My name is Robert Carter but my friends call me Colonel Bob Carter ma’am and its so impolite to hear from someone from the fairer sex to speak like that.

Mike’s Daughter: Colonel Bob Carter? Wait. You’re Dixie’s dad?! What Dixie said was true! You’re here to buy my dad’s radio station.

Col. Bob Carter: Oh heavens no! I’m here because I got the latest bill from that ice cream place and they said some driver had delivered my daughter some ice cream here. So I came here to pick my little buttercup up.

Mike’s Daughter: Good! Take her and leave.

Col. Bob Carter: But don’t you wanna hear how she got here?

Mike’s Daughter: Nope.

Col. Bob Carter: It’s a heart breaking tale?

Mike’s Daughter: Look Colonel Bob thank you for helping me out here with getting me out of my so-called wedding here but I need to get my dad out of jail soon.

Col. Bob Carter: Much obliged ma’am. Come on Dixie, Mommy made us some more of that peach jam and you know how much I like some of that peach jam with my breakfast?

Dixie: Oooohhh! But I wanna stay here daddy and run the radio station. Pretty please with sugah on top daddy?

Col. Bob Carter: Now look here buttercup, you know I won’t let you do any more business deals with my money ever since you asked to invest in TNA and that turned out not the investment that I wanted to do.

Dixie *pouts*: But daddy!

Col. Bob Carter: I got your Abyss teddy bear in the car.

Dixie: You brought Abyss! Yay! Daddy can A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe wrestle for the title for me?

Col. Bob Carter Why yes, they sure can there buttercup.

Dixie: YAY!

*Dixie and Col. Bob Carter leave before being stopped by Mike’s Daughter*

Mike’s Daughter: Wait! Colonel Bob! AJ Styles and Samoa Joe can’t be back in TNA?!?

Col. Bob Cater: Oh no ma’am. My daughter hasn’t been right in the noggin since that mean sports company let my daughter go and that foul husband of hers left her. She went mentally insane and thinks she still runs TNA.

Mike’s Daughter: Well that explains—WAIT! WHAT?!?

Tony’s Theme by Giorgio Moroder / I’m Hot Tonight by Elizabeth Daily

Mike’s Daughter (to herself): Dixie wants to spend money on us? I mean with that money I can use to get Dad out of jail but then again its Dixie of all people. Hrm…

*smartphone ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Hello?

Raging_Demons: Please hold for the men among men–

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you calling me for?!?

Raging_Demons: Please don’t interrupt. Please hold for the men among men, the man who is king among businessmen, the owner of “The Rose Garden” and–Do I have to say this part?!?

???: Yes Chico.

Raging_Demons (sighs): and…the man that gets all the pelicans wet. Say Hello to…The Midnight Rose!

Mike’s Daughter: OH NO!

Midnight Rose: Hah-hah! How are you doing there my pelican?

Mike’s Daughter: One of the people that I do not want to hear right now is YOU of all people!

Midnight Rose: AW! What’s da matter there chica? You have a sound in your voice like you haven’t been touched in a year? I personally don’t like to make my pelicans angry?

Mike’s Daughter: Angry? ANGRY! My Dad is currently in jail right now and who of all people call me?!? The man that spread ugly rumors about me “scarring his face” when he went down on me, the man that beat my Dad up not once but twice! Then you come to my home and THREATEN to kill my father!

Midnight Rose: I told you I was kidding there my sweet pelican…but you have my balls and my word that your “prickly pineapple” did scar my face for life mang.

Mike’s Daughter: Bullsh–

Midnight Rose: But I heard from…a friend of a friend that your papi was in jail so that’s why I called and I can get him out mang.

Mike’s Daughter: REALLY?!? What’s the catch?

Midnight Rose: You’ll be my wife!

Mike’s Daughter: HELL NO!

Midnight Rose: If you don’t be my wife then your papi might have a little accident in prison, with him dropping the soap? Let’s just say; his old culo is like a chicken waiting to be plucked!

Mike’s Daughter: All right! *sigh* I’ll…..Be your wife.

Midnight Rose: Oww!! I’m Hot Tonight! I’ll have my new lackey take me to you so we can be married.

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

Foley (on cellphone): Uh-huh. Its like the weirdest thing. Here he is out of nowhere trying to talk to Mike Check–the guy that I’m doing this show for. Yeah so anyways here he is trying to “apologize” for whatever then Mike Check just kicks him in the balls, THEN his kid shows up. I try to break things up with the kid but the brat just bit me! Then he tears up the place. If it wasn’t fur Hughie then I don’t know what would happen. I know-I know taking the kids on tour isn’t a bright idea but since Noelle is coming soon for the show I thought a little family get together would be fun. Uh-huh. Okay, love you too. Bye. *hangs up cellphone*

Mike Check: Who was that you were you talking to Rick?

Foley: That was my wife on the phone. After that whole mess from yesterday she notified me that Jake Lloyd Sr. broke out of a psychiatric facility somewhere in South Carolina. He was in there because starring in “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” literally made him mentally insane! Just recently he broke out of that mental institution he was in, kidnapped his son out of a legal institution of his own getting ready to be adopted since he’s mentally unfit to take care of his son, and came here! And I thought some of the stuff that I did back in the day didn’t make any sense! I called the cops so they can get Father & Son out of here but the weirdest thing is after I told them where I was they laughed at me & gave me some phone numbers for a free clinic in the area which I though was rather odd?

Mike Check: Yeah the cops are pretty weird here.

Foley: Mike I have to say this. From one father to another and since we’ve heard and unfortunately seen your *cough* “exploits” since my daughter is coming here. If you do anything inappropriate to her; I won’t be held responsible for my actions.

Mike Check: I’m not sure I that understand that particular reference there Rick?

Foley: All right moving on now. Today’s guest has come all the way from Japan, a place dear to my heart for those infamous exploding barbwire matches I had with Terry Funk. We have also set up a ring surrounded by C-4 explosives right here in the studio for no apparent reason.

Mike Check: That looks a tad dangerous there Rick?

Foley: Ha Ha Ha, never-mind that Mike. Do you recognize this voice?

???: Check-san! You dishonor me with shame! Now I revenge get!

Mike Check: I’m not sure I…?

Foley: It’s one of your former radio co-hosts; Chin Shima!

Mike Check: That’s right. I remember this feller when we used to work the Yokohama, Japan market. I went under the name “Johnny Hero” and we were the “The Hero Shima Show”.

Chin Shima: You dishonor with shame Check-san for call me Chin Shima”! Real name Jimichiro Rosshu, one of 40 assistant manager of Fukya Selfu Robotics, also former All-Japan Puroresu number 1 announcer and cousin to redneck Angry Jim-san; who English commentary provide for inferior promotion New Japan! And Check-san, you bring dishonor for always dirty boot wearing in house! Then bring anger and shame to Jimichiro after have us fire at radio station for make disrespect!

Mike Check: I’m not sure what particular reference you’re making there feller? But are you talking about the time we had those wrestling tag-team fillies from All-Japan called “The Jumping Bomb Angels” on the show? I’m not quite sure what I said that was offensive about: “How about you fine bombs make like WW2 and jump on Hero n’ Shima”. It got us fired and ole Mike deported and blacklisted…but I’m glad that I can laugh about it now.

Chin Shima a.k.a. Jimichiro Rosshu: Aghhh! Laugh about!? You dishonor all Japan with bombing war comment of disrespect! It your fault Check-san that wife filled with shame and stop sex date since many year with Jimichiro! I now revenge have and choppy choppy Mike-san pee-pee with Katana!

Ringo: (*walks in*) Mick, was I supposed to be the guest again today?…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*looks over to Ringo and calms down*) Ringo Starr-san from Beatle that is you?

Ringo: Yes chap, would you be a fan?

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*now happy*) Hai. Use to sing Beatle song when wife have sex date regular until she cheat with drummer bakka…(*stares more closely at Ringo and becomes angry again*) That you leave wet drumstick at Jimichiro house front Genkan! You also bring disgrace Jimichiro with more dishonor!

Foley: Hold on guys, there’s C-4 around the place, so don’t…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*not paying attention to Foley*) Aghhh! Now choppy choppy YOUR pee-pee! (*Jimichiro runs with his Katana towards Ringo but accidentally steps on a hidden C-4 bomb and explodes*)

Foley: Ah, Medic! …Well here’s a song by an American band who were also a big hit in Japan, no pun intended, it’s “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways here on MIKE CHECK: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

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