Mike Check: So what’s your last tip Rowdy Piper?
Ghost Of Roddy Piper (*frustrated*): I dunno if ya Martians are gonna follow my rules! So if ya don’t get any of my rules then ya’ll get this!….(*expression changes to a smile*) Well whatcha gonna do is you’re gonna have lots of fun and gonna say Happy Halloween and Trick or Treat. See ya next time. (*disappears into thin air*)
Mike’s daughter: Wait! Is that it? Roddy, come back?!
Jimdar: We have spent almost one Earth week here, and all we received was some useless advice about a stupid, stupid, Earth custom! We’re leaving now!
Checkdar: Jimdar, wait. I am sure that this Halloween has more to offer to suit our Martian people?
Jimdar: Like what?!
“Woken” Matt Hardy (*suddenly appears at Mike Check’s doorstep*): Ahhahahahah! Yeeeesssss! Did my ears deceive me or did I hear that you Martians wanting more enjoyment for your Halloweeeeeen experience?
Jimdar: No! Leave at once!
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Not until you have tried my “GREEN BEANS”! They are a delicacy!
Mike Check: Wookie Matt! I had a feeling you were in trouble?
Mike’s daughter: Wait? How are you Broken/Woken/Whatever Matt now?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: Alas MEEK CHECK and daughter with humongous mammary glands. I was under the influences of The Dark Tome that Dusty Rhodes once written but now that I’m away from its influences, I feel quite WON-DER-FUL! Yeeeesssss!
Mike Check: I’m not familiar with–
Checkdar: (*Takes a green bean from “Woken” Matt and eats it*) Hmmm. Our Mars children will surely enjoy these “green beans”.
Mike’s daughter: Uh? Really?
“Woken” Matt Hardy: That sounds absolutely DELIGHTFUL! Yeeeessss!
Jimdar: Negative, Mike Check’s daughter is correct. Our Martian children would want something more.
The Boogeyman (*suddenly arrives and breaks a clock over his head*): I’M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I’M COMIN’ TO GETCHA…SOME WORMS! (*takes some worms out of mouth and gives one to Checkdar*)
Mike’s daughter: What’s going on?
Mike Check: Agghh darlin, it’s the Boogeyman!
Mike’s daughter: Where?
Mike Check: You still can’t see him there darlin’?
Checkdar: I am not certain that these earthworms are fit for consumption?
Jimdar: That is because you are a coward. Let me try one (*takes the worm and eats it*) Aaggh! These worms are…delicious!
Mike’s daughter: What?! (*almost vomiting*)
Jimdar: Affirmative. This is just what we need for our Martian children for Halloween! We’re leaving now! Go Kcuf yourselves!
Checkdar: Goodbye, Mike Check, daughter and guests. And our gratitude to this mythical creature, you call “Boogeyman”, we will now go home doing the “Flyin’ Saucer Boogie”…on THE MACKER!
Mike Check: Weeell that’s fascinating to hear. So goodbye there fellers. But are you fellers be coming back for Christmas?
Jimdar: Negative. We will attempt to abduct another ancient Earth man, you call “Santa Claus” to create toys for our Martian children!
Mike Check: Now where have I seen that before?
Mike Check: Well there Martian fellers, that first house you Trick Or Treated at was a disaster, but you seemed to manage to get some candy from some of the other neighbors after we were off the air. So Rowdy, what is your next Halloween tip there feller?
Ghost Of Roddy Piper: Now when ya get all ya candy, whatcha gonna do is ya gonna take ya candy back home before you eat it.
Jimdar: Why consume this desert; you call Candy, at home? Why cannot you consume it here immediately?
Mike’s daughter: Well, it’s a good tip for kids because it has been rumored that there have been some cases where people have poisoned or put Razor blades in—
Mike’s daughter: What’s wrong Checkdar?
Checkdar: Do I have something in my teeth? (*opens mouth and there’s a razor blade wedged in his teeth*)
Mike’s daughter: Uh? Yes? Uh? I think you better see a doctor–
Jimdar: Agggh! What type of Kcufing Earth nincompoop would supply me with this round fruit covered in some red sticky substance! It tastes like some sort of “Slime Creature from Outer Space”?!
Piper: Ya know? That was probably a candy apple with the poison in it? Eh, why don’t ya send it to Vince McMahon, so you can look like Moolah?
Jimdar: Negative, this Earthling excrement containing Earth poison has no shape-shifting effect on me!
Checkdar: And who is this Meek Mahaan?! And why would this candy apple make him appear to shape-shift into a colloquialism for Earth currency?
Mike Check: Yes, I didn’t understand that particular reference there either?
Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* He was talking about…never mind! It was a joke anyway! Geez!
Mike Check: Well there Rowdy? So what’s your third Halloween Tip for these two Martian fellers?
Ghost Of Roddy Piper: Well now ya gonna go and knock on people’s doors that got lights, so you can see, and ya ain’t gonna go inside somebody’s house when they offer you candy, and close the door, you’re gonna stay on the door step and ya gonna say “Trick Or Treat” and your gonna say “Please and Thank ya”!
Mike’s Daughter: Okay, why don’t you try that house across from ours, with a light on, by the way.
(*Checkdar and Jimdar knock on neighbor’s door*)
Checkdar: Trick Or Treat and Please and Thank ya!
“Neighbor”: Oh, you’re saying thank you already, how polite? But aren’t you Martians a bit old to Trick Or Treat?
Jimdar: Wait, how did you know that we are Martians?! (*points his ray gun*)
“Neighbor”: Well ain’t that your costumes?
Jimdar: Oh, affirmative! We are wearing Martian costumes, as that is the correct custom for Halloween!
Checkdar: Actually, we have traveled all the way here to Earth—
Jimdar: Silence you nincompoop! (*to neighbor*) We have traveled to the United States Of America from France!
“Neighbor”: France, eh? Well Bonjour—
Jimdar: What did you say?! Is that a colorful metaphor?! (*points his ray gun again*) Go Kcuf yourself!
“Neighbor”: No. Doesn’t it mean hello, in your language?
Jimdar: Enough with the “small talk”, hand over the confectionery, you call candy, now! Or I will burn your lawn!
“Neighbor” (*gets scared, slams the door shut and shouts through the door*): You “Invaders” better go away, or I’m calling the cops!
Checkdar: But? What was it that we did incorrectly?
Mike’s daughter (*sighs and shouts from afar*): Everything!
Mike Check: Well Roddy Rowdy? We’re all wearing neon because it’s dark outside Mike Check HQ. So what’s your second Halloween Tip for these two Martian fellers?
Ghost of Roddy Piper: Well you see, you’re gonna have to take care of yourself when crossing the street because there’s idiots driving cars! Some of them don’t care! Some of those idiots are gonna run you over!
Checkdar (*doesn’t bother to finish listening to Piper finish his tip as he running across the street avoiding crazy drivers almost running him over*): Whoa! These Earth drivers are crazy! Why must Earthlings insist at traveling at the speed of “Interstellar Overdrive” on their primitive four wheel motor cars?
Ghost of Roddy Piper: That’s why…I’ll give you a bonus tip…look both ways before you cross the damn street!
Jimdar: Useless information! I have a better idea (*Jimdar crosses the road and a speeding car screeches to a halt right in from of him*)
“Idiot In Car”: Hey you freek! Get off the road you jerk!
Jimdar: Are those colorful metaphors you are using? Well Go Kcuf Yourself! (*blows up car with his ray gun*)
Mike’s daughter: Jimdar! You can’t do that sort of thing here!
Jimdar: I succeeded in crossing the road, did I not!? Ha! “Roads”! Such a primitive concept!
Mike Check: …Fascinating.
Mike Check: Darlin’, you had promised to bring along a special guest to teach these two Martians about Trick Or Treating for Halloween?
Mike’s Daughter: Wait just a minute, I need to summon him using the Seancetrolla…Okay here it goes…”Rowdy Roddy…Rowdy Roddy…Rowdy Roddy”.
Ghost of “Rowdy Roddy Piper”: (*appears*) I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all outta bubblegum! (*sees the two Martians; Checkdar and Jimdar*) You again!? Never throw stones at a man with a machine gun (*points shotgun at the Martians*)
Jimdar: You call that a gun?! THIS is a gun! (*points his Ray gun at Piper*)
Mike Check: Fellers! Fellers! Stop this! (*to Piper*) Roddy, these are the good Martians, not the Mazis that you were shooting at two years ago!…Although I’m not sure where I classify Jimdar?
Jimdar: Go Kcuf yourself, Mike Check’s daughter! Remember, I saved your posterior from that runt you call Damien, offspring of Stan, about 18 of your earth months ago!
Mike’s Daughter: Okay, Okay. Sorry, but I summoned Roddy Piper here for him teach you guys his Halloween Tips. So put your guns down.
Piper: Okay, so you want me to teach these “Little Green Men” about Trick Or treatin’?
Jimdar: I should use my boot to kick you in your posterior for making another untrue reference concerning my size?!
Piper: Ya know, this Jimdar guy is one nasty S.O.B…I think I like him already?! So okay, you know there’s a couple of rules you follow when it comes to Halloween, and these are the rules and ya gonna follow them cause Hot Rod said so.
Checkdar: Affirmative. Let, me write this down…
Jimdar: You don’t need to write this down you nincompoop!
Mike’s Daughter: Jimdar!…(*to Piper*) Go on Roddy.
Piper: Where was I? Oh first of all, when you go out there, you’re gonna wear something neon cause its dark!
Checkdar: Well that’s not a sufficient a tip, we are already neon green?
Jimdar: Neon is a brighter shade of green you imbecile!
Mike’s Daughter (*sigh*): This is gonna be a long week?!
*There’s a knock at Mike Checks front door*
Mike’s Daughter: Dad, I think the Martians are here? I’m not letting them in!
(*Mike’s daughter locks the front door but the two Martians: Checkdar and Jimdar, beam into Mike Check’s house*)
Mike’s Daughter: Oh, Dammit!…I mean…oh, hi Martians. (*lying*) We’re glad you’re here.
Checkdar: Greetings Mike Check and artificial chested daughter. It has felt a light year since we last met?
Jimdar: You nincompoop! A light year is a standard of distance measurement not time?!
Checkdar: Oh, yes. My apologizes.
Mike Check: So what have been up to there fellers?
Checkdar: My radio business has been a success. And Jimdar is starting a football league.
Jimdar: It’s “Spaceball”! “Football” is what the stupid Earthlings call it…but, affirmative, I am forming a Spaceball competition called: The XSL!
Mike Check: So where’s Kimar and Gaiedar?
Checkdar: They couldn’t make it. Kimar is busy leading Mars while Gaiedar is starting a “fantasy” Spaceball league based on Jimdar’s idea.
Jimdar: A waste of time if you ask me!? And that nincompoop is making me look negative by wearing clothing more suitable for a female and singing a some ridiculous song to advertise it. And that is not all, now Gaiedar now wants to be called; The XSL Fantasy Spaceball Queen?!
Mike Check: Fascinating. So what brings you two fellers here?
Jimdar: Kimar has now gained a new lousy idea ever since he wanted to bring your vile music to Mars! His offspring; Bomar and Girmar have discovered an Earth Holiday known as “Halloween” and we were sent here to Earth to retrieve information about a pointless activity known as “Trick Or Treating”!?
Mike’s Daughter: Trick Or Treating, eh? I’d like to help you guys but my head still hurts…wait!…but I know a friend that can help you with that?
Mike Check: Yes, but it’s a bit late right now, so why don’t you spend the night listening to “Two Little Men in a Flying Saucer” by Ella Fitzgerald here on…THE MACKER!
Jimdar: Are you implying falsehoods that we are “miniature” in size?! Go Kcuf Yourself!
Mike Check: Uh? It’s just the name of the song there feller.
Mike Check: So, weelll hello there my Earth fellers! Ole Mike is finally home; “Back To Earth” where I belong, and the galaxy is also safe once again. So in light of all that, here’s Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard back here on Earth’s KMCR…THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter: Hey dad, look at the Martian newspaper from the future that Doc Brown left us last October. You know how it read; “STAN IS THE NEW GOD OF MARS”…well look at it now?
(*The Newspaper headline fades and now reads “CHECKDAR IS OUR NEW GOD OF RADIO”*)
Mike Check: Welll, I’m so glad for that feller. That Checkdar was one fine egg let me tell—-
(*Mike is interrupted by police sirens outside and the police pull up to Mike’s door*)
Mike’s Daughter: Ah dad, I forgot to tell you. I had a visit from the police just after you were abducted a month ago and…long story short…we may have a minor issue with your parole violation.
Mike Check: Why don’t you worry there darlin’. (*opens the front door*)
Police Officer #1: Mr. Mike Check. You are under arrest for parole volioation, you need to come with us to the station right now.
Mike Check: Why hello there fellers, yes but why don’t you allow me to put on my sunglasses first (*Mike uses a “Neuralyzer” like in the film “Men In Black” and the police freeze momentarily*) Fellers, ole Mike was home this whole time…and I never went to Mars either.
Police Officer #2: Yes…you never left the house.
Police Officer #1: We’re leaving now.
(*The police leave*)
Mike’s daughter: Dad, where did you get that from? Is that a Neuralyzer like in “Men In Black”?
Mike Check: Don’t you remember there darlin’? This was what that Martian called Gaiedar slipped in my pocket before we left Mars. And you know by the smell of this thing…uh….let me just go in the kitchen throw this thing away and wash my hands.
Mike’s daughter: Whatever. You should use that Neuralyzer on me to forget all the craziness with the Martians and STAN wanting to use a silicone draining machine on me…I mean…what the hell was that all about?! But instead, let’s just play some Will Smith…I need to lie down.