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Space Truckin’ by Deep Purple

STAN: Well, I’ll be off then. My new strip club isn’t going to run on it’s own. So you still haven’t changed your mind about coming along for “the ride on my horn” Mike’s daughter? (*stares at Mike’s daughter’s eyes*)

Mike’s Daughter (*avoids eye contact with STAN*): Nope! And stop trying to use that eye/mind trick crap on me!

STAN: Very well. Come on, douche…I mean…Checkdar!

Checkdar: I do not comprehend your “douche” reference? Are you mispronouncing my name in the same manner as Mike Check mispronounces names of other Earthlings?

STAN (*sigh*): No, it was an insult. But never-mind that, I want to take you “space truckin'” to celebrate my new venture and we can leave these two imbeciles alone.

Checkdar: “Space Truckin'”? But an Earth truck would not be a sufficient vessel to return to my home planet of Mars. A Flying saucer would be required for that purpose?

Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar, what STAN means is that he wants to get “high”.

Checkdar: Indeed. My Saucer will indeed do that, but an Earth truck will not.

Mike’s Daughter: No, to be specific he want to go to around different place and do drugs with you.

Checkdar: What are “Drugs”?

STAN: You’ll see. They’re nothing harmful, have I ever lied to you before?

Checkdar: No—

Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar! No! Don’t go with him! Believe me, you’ll be better off go back to Mars….”alone”, before you make another blunder.

STAN: You always have to be the party pooper, Mike’s daughter? Very well, but don’t come to me begging for any money or favors. I know that you two losers could definitely use it.

Mike’s daughter: Whatever. Just leave us alone.

STAN: Farewell. Oh, but I’m still open if you want to beg me for se—

Mike’s daughter: Just Go!

(*STAN vanishes*)

Checkdar: I must also be leaving now, Mike Check and daughter. (*disappears into a beam of light*)

Mike Check: Farewell fellers! Well, on that note, I think it’s time to play—

(*Father James Mitchell and Su Yung appear out of a ball of flames*): Mike! I heard a rumor that STAN has returned from Mars? Was that lying devil here?

Mike Check: Yep. You just missed him there feller?

Father James Mitchell: Damn, it’s about Su Yung! After STAN left the Hell realm, she has turned “normal” and calling herself Susie?!

Su Yung: Hi. My name is Suzie. What’s your name?

Father James Mitchell: No Su, we haven’t got time for that now. (*to Mike*) If STAN is responsible for this and playing one of his ribs on me, he’s going to have hell to pay…literally! But I’ll be back! Bwhahahahah! (*He and Su disappear into a ball of flames*)

Mike Check: Fascinating. After that, it sure feels like ole Mike has been “Space Truckin'” with Deep Purple, here on…THE MACKER!

Venus And Mars/Rockshow Paul McCartney and Wings

Mike Check: So a running a nightclub on Mars—

Checkdar: “Ballroom”.

Mike Check: Sorry, running a “ballroom” on Mars (*chuckles*) was all you did there SAM?

STAN: No, that obviously failed, so Checkdar had another “bright idea” (*sarcasm*) of giving me something else to do. He somehow convinced me to co-host his radio show with him. And if that wasn’t enough torture…which felt weird, because I’m usually the one that does the torturing…he wanted us both to have fake names so it would feel like one of Mike’s many failed radio progrems.

Mike Check: Hey feller, not all my radio progrems were failures, some were just short-lived due to contractual terms. Like the one…did I ever tell you fellers about the time I briefly worked—

STAN: Oh shut up Mike, this is supposed to about me. As I was saying, so Checkar and myself started a radio show called…It’s just embarrassing to say—

Checkdar: I will convey the name: Just as Mike Check adapts to a different alias on his every radio progream, it was decided that I, Checkdar would be renamed: “Mars Checkdar” and STAN would be known as “Stan Venus”…on the “The Venus and Mars Rockshow”!

Mike Check: I have to admit. That’s quite clever there feller.

Checkdar: My appreciation, Mike Check.

STAN: Bollocks! Those names were so cheesy and horrible that I almost vomited like a human for the first time ever. But however, my “Stan Venus” name eventually started to grow on me. Actually, I might even use that name as my new “earth realm” rich playboy persona?

Mike’s Daughter: (*chuckles*) Stan Venus? That sounds like the worst porno name ever?

STAN: That’s the whole point. Since I’m finally going to what I always desired to do, that is: rich, popular and screwing lots of chicks, I need a gimmick name that no one will forget. But speaking of “porn”, (*stares into Mike’s daughter’s eyes*) would you “desire” to make a private one with me in my new penthouse?

Mike’s Daughter: Ye…I mean…NO! Ewww! You may have a handsome new look and a sexy British accent, but NO, not in a million years! And besides, I have a boyfriend now!

STAN (*starts laughing in disbelief*): YOU? A boyfriend? Or “one” of your “boyfriends”?

Mike’s Daughter: “Boy-friend”. His name is Laurence, and he’s in the Military, so he’d kick your—

STAN: Unlikely, but very well, now I’ve heard everything. And I’ve even heard Hitler down in Hell admit that his favorite wrestler is Bill Goldberg? Guess how many pineapples up his rectum it took to get him to admit that?

Mike Check: I’m not sure there feller? But what I am sure of is that Checkdar’s clever radio show name also happens to be the name of a “Paul McCartney and Wings” melody. So here’s “Venus And Mars/Rockshow”, here on…THE MACKER!

Ballrooms Of Mars by T. Rex

Mike’s daughter: So STAN, you talked about opening a strip club on Earth, but you still didn’t say a thing about what happened when Checkdar took you to Mars?

STAN: I would have got to that, but Mike interrupted me by playing another of his terrible songs. Oh and “speaking of terrible music”, I didn’t think there could be anyone that could play worse music than Mike until I met Checkdar.

Checkdar: My apologizes, STAN, I have much catching up to do when it comes to playing Earth’s music. Martians have only experienced such as sound only since Mike commenced this Mike Check Show.

STAN: Which brings me to what I did on Mars, well, other than dressing as Santa Claus and throwing hot coal at Martian Children—

Mike’s daughter: You did what?!

STAN: No, they liked it…but that’s not important. I also opened up a nightclub there…which their stupid leader Kimar, insisted on calling a “Ballroom” because it sounded more classy? Which I didn’t understand because none of those male Martians, who filled that “room”, had a “ball” between them?

Checkdar: I, once again do not compute this particular reference? Do all all Earth males have “balls”?

Mike Check: We sure do there feller. Two of them, in fact.

(*all chuckle, except Checkdar, who’s still perplexed*)

Checkdar: What is amusing?

STAN: It was a joke about…never mind. Let’s just get back to my point. So Checkdar, who was the only Martian that knew how to play music, thought it was a bright idea to play depressing sounding songs such as “Ballrooms Of Mars” by T. Rex?

Checkdar: What was incorrect with that particular choice?

STAN: You should have played something more…dance-able.

Checkdar: Was it NOT dance-able?

Mike Check: No feller, that’s a great tune but not dance-able.

Checkdar: As usual, I am suffering confusion. Mike Check, could I procure more input on your music playing?

Mike Check: Sure feller, just come with me.

(*As Mike Check and Checkdar go over to the music panel, Mike’s Daughter continues to talk to STAN*)

Mike’s daughter: Ok STAN, so does all this somehow have something to do with you wanting to run a strip club on Earth?

STAN: It kind of did, yes. Oh, and which reminds me; I’ve done many favors for you humans for cash by fulfilling their desires. So seeing that I’m now quite loaded, I would be pleased if you would come work for me as a stripper on Saturday nights? Just name your price. What is it that you desire? (*stares into Mike’s daughter’s eyes*)

Mike’s daughter (*hypnotized by STAN’s eyes*): Well, I, I–

STAN: Yes?

Mike’s daughter: I, ah…(*snaps out of her trance*) NO! There’s no money in the world that would make me want to ever work for you. Especially ever since what you tried to do to me a couple of years ago!

STAN: What? That mind trick usually works, but…? Oh, you’re still angry about me wanting to eat your breast implants thing? I thought you would have gotten over that “rib” (*points at her boobs*) by now?

Mike’s daughter: A rib!? What sort of sick fu—

(*As Mike’s daughter is yelling at STAN, Checkdar interrupts by prematurely play “Ballrooms Of Mars” by T. Rex*)

STAN: Oh, not this again!

Blues on Planet Mars by Sun Ra

Mike’s Daughter: STAN: The Evil Troll Lord?! Oh my God?! What did you do?!

STAN: Can you not bring my Dad’s name “God” into this?! And I’m not evil…anymore.

Mike’s Daughter: Wait? God is your dad? I always imagined God was a woman who looked like Alanis Morissette?

Mike Check: No, I was picturing he was more like George Burns there darlin’?

STAN: Does it really matter?! This is not about “him” anyway, it’s about ME. Oh, and also about this bumbling fool, Checkdar, kidnapping me.

Checkdar: My apologizes, STAN. I, Checkar got it all incorrect again. Kimar and Jimdar have never allowed myself to forget about it–

STAN: Yes, yes. But since we’re on Earth, I think I’ll let the cat out of the bag. Your “mistake” was actually just mind tricks that I played on you all along so that you would mistake me with “Santa”. I just needed everyone in Hell to think that you kidnapped me as an excuse to finally take a long awaited vacation. Oh and if you also must know, Mike’s daughter, no I didn’t try to take over that boring red planet this time. Don’t you remember that I had mentioned that I was giving up my evil ways?

Mike’s Daughter: What?! But you just sent Father James Mitchell to torture us with that Dusty Rhodes book in October! You’re just as evil as ever!

STAN: No, that’s bollocks. Kevin Sullivan stole the book from me remember. But I guess Kev screwed up somehow which lead to you getting the book and Jim to you. Kev and Jim may be my right hand demons, but they do as they please. Like Jim appearing as a wrestling manager on Impact wrestling…now that IS evil. But if you must know, for a while, I have delegated most of the “evil stuff” to them and I just stick to my job in torturing evil souls that deserve to be punished. Although, I still also enjoy possessing Wrestling personalities on Social media to tell younger wrestlers to take Steroids, in my spare time…I mean, you must admit, that IS funny? Do you know what I did recently when I possessed Angry Jim to give an interview that wrestlers should take steroids

Mike’s Daughter (*interrupts*): No. Just tell us about what happened on Mars?

STAN: Very well. I thought a Billy Graham Facebook post story might lighten the mood around here, but fine, then allow me to finally get to the bloody point. So if you really want to know if I did anything sinister after being “kidnapped” and brought to Mars—Well…no. Actually, it was quite boring. I mean, that planet reminded me of home, just without the flames and brimstone.

Checkdar: I do not understand? If my home planet of Mars is inferior to your Hellish realm, then why did you trick me in bringing you there?

STAN: Well after my son Damien’s death, I had a change of heart…or I could say I somehow grew one? Which was probably a doing of my damn father just to torture me…But speaking of “torturing”, it just gets boring after a millennia or two. And it was also my “Blues on Planet Mars” that led me in making another immortal life changing decision.

Mike Check: Well, what’s that there feller?

STAN: I’m permanently staying on Earth and opening a strip club somewhere in LA, or maybe, somewhere near here? Which brings me to why I got this Martian douche to take me back here. So Mike, since you’re a DJ, I just want to know…what do you think about my new plan?

Mike Check: Well let’s just say that your new plan is giving me the “Blues on Planet Earth”, let me tell you.

A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris De Burgh

Mike Check: Weelll there fellers! Christmas Carousal may be over but—

(*Mike is interrupted by a beam of light that appears inside and Checkdar appears*)

Mike’s daughter: Checkdar? From the planet Mars? Is that you?

Checkdar: Greetings Mike Check and daughter! Or should “Merry Christmas” have been more a sufficient greeting?

Mike Check: Yes, and a Merry Christmas to you too, although you’re unfortunately a day late for that there feller? But Speaking of Christmas, we haven’t seen you since your first Halloween, so how did you, the “Spaceman Come Travelling”, celebrate your first Christmas?

Checkdar: Well Mike Check. Halloween was, as you Earthlings say; “A Hit”. However, the custom known as Christmas did not go as planned.

Mike’s daughter: What went wrong?

Checkdar: It seems that I, Checkdar made another one of my blunders and kidnapped…I mean, acquired the services, of the wrong being.

Mike’s daughter: Mike’s daughter: So it wasn’t “Santa Conquers The Martians” this year?

Checkdar: I, Checkdar am not registering that particular reference, Mike Check’s Daughter? However, I was sent to acquire the one you call Santa, but had the Earth spelling confused and thus had taken the wrong being.

Mike Check: So who did you take back with you to Mars then there feller?

Checkdar: My apologizes, Mike Check and daughter.

Mike Check: For what?

Checkdar: I, Checkdar have brought “him” back to Earth…unfortunately he does not wish to return to the realm in which I had found him.

Mike’s daughter: So you brought him here? Who is it?

(*Unknown man with a British accent appears sitting on Mike’s couch, all of a sudden*): Hello again, Mike.

Mike Check: Sir Allen? How did you get in here?

Mike’s daughter: Dad! That NOT Sir Alec Heineken. This guy’s a lot younger…and dreamy…uh, oh, I mean, who are you?

(*Handsome British man*): You know who I am, but perhaps under a different form. And I also have many names…but you may know me as…STAN.

Flyin’ Saucer Boogie by Eddie Cletro

Mike Check: So what’s your last tip Rowdy Piper?

Ghost Of Roddy Piper (*frustrated*): I dunno if ya Martians are gonna follow my rules! So if ya don’t get any of my rules then ya’ll get this!….(*expression changes to a smile*) Well whatcha gonna do is you’re gonna have lots of fun and gonna say Happy Halloween and Trick or Treat. See ya next time. (*disappears into thin air*)

Mike’s daughter: Wait! Is that it? Roddy, come back?!

Jimdar: We have spent almost one Earth week here, and all we received was some useless advice about a stupid, stupid, Earth custom! We’re leaving now!

Checkdar: Jimdar, wait. I am sure that this Halloween has more to offer to suit our Martian people?

Jimdar: Like what?!

“Woken” Matt Hardy (*suddenly appears at Mike Check’s doorstep*): Ahhahahahah! Yeeeesssss! Did my ears deceive me or did I hear that you Martians wanting more enjoyment for your Halloweeeeeen experience?

Jimdar: No! Leave at once!

“Woken” Matt Hardy: Not until you have tried my “GREEN BEANS”! They are a delicacy!

Mike Check: Wookie Matt! I had a feeling you were in trouble?

Mike’s daughter: Wait? How are you Broken/Woken/Whatever Matt now?

“Woken” Matt Hardy: Alas MEEK CHECK and daughter with humongous mammary glands. I was under the influences of The Dark Tome that Dusty Rhodes once written but now that I’m away from its influences, I feel quite WON-DER-FUL! Yeeeesssss!

Mike Check: I’m not familiar with–

Checkdar: (*Takes a green bean from “Woken” Matt and eats it*) Hmmm. Our Mars children will surely enjoy these “green beans”.

Mike’s daughter: Uh? Really?

“Woken” Matt Hardy: That sounds absolutely DELIGHTFUL! Yeeeessss!

Jimdar: Negative, Mike Check’s daughter is correct. Our Martian children would want something more.

The Boogeyman (*suddenly arrives and breaks a clock over his head*): I’M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I’M COMIN’ TO GETCHA…SOME WORMS! (*takes some worms out of mouth and gives one to Checkdar*)

Mike’s daughter: What’s going on?

Mike Check: Agghh darlin, it’s the Boogeyman!

Mike’s daughter: Where?

Mike Check: You still can’t see him there darlin’?

Checkdar: I am not certain that these earthworms are fit for consumption?

Jimdar: That is because you are a coward. Let me try one (*takes the worm and eats it*) Aaggh! These worms are…delicious!

Mike’s daughter: What?! (*almost vomiting*)

Jimdar: Affirmative. This is just what we need for our Martian children for Halloween! We’re leaving now! Go Kcuf yourselves!

Checkdar: Goodbye, Mike Check, daughter and guests. And our gratitude to this mythical creature, you call “Boogeyman”, we will now go home doing the “Flyin’ Saucer Boogie”…on THE MACKER!

Mike Check: Weeell that’s fascinating to hear. So goodbye there fellers. But are you fellers be coming back for Christmas?

Jimdar: Negative. We will attempt to abduct another ancient Earth man, you call “Santa Claus” to create toys for our Martian children!

Mike Check: Now where have I seen that before?

Slime Creatures from Outer Space by “Weird Al” Yankovic

Mike Check: Well there Martian fellers, that first house you Trick Or Treated at was a disaster, but you seemed to manage to get some candy from some of the other neighbors after we were off the air. So Rowdy, what is your next Halloween tip there feller?

Ghost Of Roddy Piper: Now when ya get all ya candy, whatcha gonna do is ya gonna take ya candy back home before you eat it.

Jimdar: Why consume this desert; you call Candy, at home? Why cannot you consume it here immediately?

Mike’s daughter: Well, it’s a good tip for kids because it has been rumored that there have been some cases where people have poisoned or put Razor blades in—

Checkdar: Aaggghhh!

Mike’s daughter: What’s wrong Checkdar?

Checkdar: Do I have something in my teeth? (*opens mouth and there’s a razor blade wedged in his teeth*)

Mike’s daughter: Uh? Yes? Uh? I think you better see a doctor–

Jimdar: Agggh! What type of Kcufing Earth nincompoop would supply me with this round fruit covered in some red sticky substance! It tastes like some sort of “Slime Creature from Outer Space”?!

Piper: Ya know? That was probably a candy apple with the poison in it? Eh, why don’t ya send it to Vince McMahon, so you can look like Moolah?

Jimdar: Negative, this Earthling excrement containing Earth poison has no shape-shifting effect on me!

Checkdar: And who is this Meek Mahaan?! And why would this candy apple make him appear to shape-shift into a colloquialism for Earth currency?

Mike Check: Yes, I didn’t understand that particular reference there either?

Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* He was talking about…never mind! It was a joke anyway! Geez!

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