During another Halloween Hootenanny. My Martian friends returned to Earth to learn about Halloween and “Trick Or Treating”. And who better to learn them from than the ghost of Roddy Rowdy?
Mike Check: Well Roddy Rowdy? We’re all wearing neon because it’s dark outside Mike Check HQ. So what’s your second Halloween Tip for these two Martian fellers?
Ghost of Roddy Piper: Well you see, you’re gonna have to take care of yourself when crossing the street because there’s idiots driving cars! Some of them don’t care! Some of those idiots are gonna run you over!
Checkdar (*doesn’t bother to finish listening to Piper finish his tip as he running across the street avoiding crazy drivers almost running him over*): Whoa! These Earth drivers are crazy! Why must Earthlings insist at traveling at the speed of “Interstellar Overdrive” on their primitive four wheel motor cars?
Ghost of Roddy Piper: That’s why…I’ll give you a bonus tip…look both ways before you cross the damn street!
Jimdar: Useless information! I have a better idea (*Jimdar crosses the road and a speeding car screeches to a halt right in from of him*)
“Idiot In Car”: Hey you freek! Get off the road you jerk!
Jimdar: Are those colorful metaphors you are using? Well Go Kcuf Yourself! (*blows up car with his ray gun*)
Mike’s daughter: Jimdar! You can’t do that sort of thing here!
Jimdar: I succeeded in crossing the road, did I not!? Ha! “Roads”! Such a primitive concept!
Mike Check: …Fascinating.
Mike Check: Well there Martian fellers, that first house you Trick Or Treated at was a disaster, but you seemed to manage to get some candy from some of the other neighbors after we were off the air. So Rowdy, what is your next Halloween tip there feller?
Ghost Of Roddy Piper: Now when ya get all ya candy, whatcha gonna do is ya gonna take ya candy back home before you eat it.
Jimdar: Why consume this desert; you call Candy, at home? Why cannot you consume it here immediately?
Mike’s daughter: Well, it’s a good tip for kids because it has been rumored that there have been some cases where people have poisoned or put Razor blades in—
Mike’s daughter: What’s wrong Checkdar?
Checkdar: Do I have something in my teeth? (*opens mouth and there’s a razor blade wedged in his teeth*)
Mike’s daughter: Uh? Yes? Uh? I think you better see a doctor–
Jimdar: Agggh! What type of Kcufing Earth nincompoop would supply me with this round fruit covered in some red sticky substance! It tastes like some sort of “Slime Creature from Outer Space”?!
Piper: Ya know? That was probably a candy apple with the poison in it? Eh, why don’t ya send it to Vince McMahon, so you can look like Moolah?
Jimdar: Negative, this Earthling excrement containing Earth poison has no shape-shifting effect on me!
Checkdar: And who is this Meek Mahaan?! And why would this candy apple make him appear to shape-shift into a colloquialism for Earth currency?
Mike Check: Yes, I didn’t understand that particular reference there either?
Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* He was talking about…never mind! It was a joke anyway! Geez!
Well fellers! I hate to cut a long story short, cause peole tend to say that ole Mike rambles on and on and on? I don’t know why? But anyway, after Mars was invaded by Sam and his son Damien, we got a little help from the like of Doc Brown, The Great Collie, Bookie Matt, and so on. Well, this is how the story concluded:
Mike’s Daughter (*still in STAN’s clutches*): STAN! Let me go! This stupid eating my boobs fetish is just getting freakin’ sickening!
Mike Check: Sam! Just give up! You’re now just being a yellow-bellied sore loser there feller! Let my precious Pentuinia go!
STAN: WRONG! I’m not a loser! That Lordi song that you played last year was all wrong! And why do I have to keep telling you that my name’s not Sam?! See, you’re wrong again! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Kimar: Negative. Mike Check is factually correct. You have indeed lost. As leader of Mars I order you to surrender!
STAN: Never! This is for taking away my son! It’s lunch time! (*Stan opens is jaws wide*)
Mike’s Daughter: Help! Somebody do something?!
Mike Check: Doc! What do we do?!
Doc Brown: Great Scott! I’m sorry Mike? I’m all out of ideas?!
Khali: (*hobbles over and tosses a CD over to Mike Check*) Eepp Agh Aha!
Mike Check: This is no time for music there feller!
Doc Brown: No, Khali says this CD is “Jingle With Jillian”!…Eureka! This plan might just work?! But we need a CD player, quickly?!
Mike Check: But why? How?
Mike’s Daughter: Just do it!
Checkdar: Here, I have procured a device that will play your Compact Disk object.
Mike Check: Thanks there feller. I hope this plan works? Whatever it is?
Doc Brown: It will! Oh…and everyone block your ears this song is quite “heavy”!
(*Mike Check and Checkdar play the CD and put their fingers in their ears*)
STAN: (*Stops in his tracks, drops Mike’s Daughter and holds his ears in agony*) Aaaggghhhh! What is this?! Jillian Hall’s singing is so bad that even my evil I couldn’t have possibly powerful enough to invent this sh….?!
Mike’s Daughter: Quick! Turn up the volume! I think it’s working?!
(*Checkdar turns the volume up to 11 and it causes STAN to melt into the ground*)
STAN: Nooooo! I’m melting! I’m melting! Aaaagggghhhhh?!
Mike Check: Sam’s melted! I think we finally did it there fellers?! Now let’s find another song in celebration and “Pump Up The Volume” with MARRS here on…THE MACKER!
Well a lot of things happened when ole Mike was on the planet Mars during our 7th Anniversary, such as working in a Martian radio station, and almost getting executed for accidentally sleeping with the Martian leader; “Kidar’s” wife…hey, how was I to know what those antennas on their heads are used for? But also Sam and his evil son Damien crash land on Mars and take it over. They also kidnapped my darlin’ daughter just so Sma could….well…it’s explained why here:
(*STAN’s son Damien and the three Mazi’s have captured Mike Check’s daughter and have brought her to Mars*)
Mike’s Daughter: Let me go, you slimy creeps! And what have you done with my father?!
Mike Check: Darlin?
Mike’s daughter: Dad! You’re alright?!
Mike Check: Yes there darlin’.
STAN: Oh, how touching. I’ll give you your opportunity to say any last words with each other before I get my Mazis to connect her to the Silicone draining machine. And don’t do anything smart, as my loyal Mazi servants will shoot you!
Mike’s daughter: (*runs over to hug her dad*) Dad! I’m okay, don’t worry about me!
Mike Check: But how did they capture you?
Mike’s Daughter: Well, that pip squeak Damien apparently has shape shifting abilities now and he had disguised himself as Doc Brown. He told me that he had come back from the future and had a flying saucer to take me to Mars to save you. I was stupid enough to believe him.
Mike Check: There There, It’s not your fault. And I don’t know why this SAM would kidnap you for silicone? You don’t have one ounce of silicone in your body?
Mike’s Daughter (*nervously folds here arms over her huge fake boobs*): Uh??? Yeah, I don’t understand it either dad?
STAN (*interrupts*): Okay, the family reunion is over. So, are you ready?
Mike’s Daughter: Okay, but before you torture me, will you at least tell me how you managed to escape the Phantom Zone?
STAN: Well basically, we were floating around space and happened to bump into another Phantom Zone that contained the three Mazi prisoners, who you know, and are now my loyal servants. Anyway, we all crashed landed here on top of Chochem, and the impact caused both Phantom Zones to Shatter, allowing us all to escape! Yes, it was that easy!
Kimar: Impossible. The Phantom Zone was designed by our finest scientists in our “Intergalactic Planetary” to be Indestructible?
STAN: Yeah, and that’s the same thing that you said about your stupid Robot, Torg 6? I guess they don’t make them like they used to, huh? Your Martian technology might as well be made by the damn Trolla Corporation?
Mike Check: Hey, the Trolla company’s has made some fine good products, let me tell you. Just ask Premier Blake (*winks*).
STAN: Whatever. But before I drain Mike’s Daughter’s “silicone”, let me tell you about my evil plan that I have in store. I will use you Martians as my army of slaves to fly a fleet of your flying saucers to invade the Earth, so I can finally take it over.
Kimar: Negative! No Martian will ever follow such a plan!
STAN: Really, not even if I turn you into Jimdar’s MMQ sauce making slave? (*to Jimdar*) I could help create your MMQ restaurant side business into an Universal empire, which will be more profitable than you have ever imagined?
Jimdar: Hmmm, that plan sounds tempting?
Mike’s daughter (*interrupts*): You’re sick, STAN!
STAN: Yes, but lucky for you that you won’t have to see what will happen to the Earth because, let’s just say, that you will be the one that will be “sick” by then…and we will all “know about it” too. Now, my Mazi servants, take her away! And as for the rest of you Martians, as your new God, I command you invade—
(*voice from a distance*) Not so fast!
STAN: Oh?! Who is it now?! …Oh no, it’s Doc Brown?!
Well fellers! Remember when some martian fellers recused ole Mike from Sam and his son Damien? Well ole Mike ended up getting abducted by them, and taken back to their home Planet. The reasoning was that they needed ole Mike’s expertise as a radio disc jockey, to bring music to their planet. I didn’t know why they could have just asked me? Anyway , it also meant that my 7th Anniversary special couldn’t take place…well not on Earth anyway:
Mike’s Daughter (*Interrupts*): No Dad! There’s actually huge UFO hovering above our house and it’s jamming our signal! I think those Martians that imprisoned STAN and Damien during last years Halloween Hootenanny have returned, just like they said they would!? Where the hell is Doc Brown to help….???
(*A green Martian shows up on Mike’s Daughter’s computer screen*)
Kimar: Greetings Earthlings. I am Kimar, leader of the planet Mars and I have returned, as promised, to abduct the one you call “Mike Check”.
Mike’s Daughter: But you can’t?!
Kimar: Do not fear Mike Check and artificially breasted Earth Daughter. I come in peace. As I have told you five of your Earth months ago; we come in peace. Do you remember at that time, I had assisted you in defeating the demon in which you called STAN and his son Damien as a gesture of gratitude for your help, one Earth year previously. The unusual sound that you call “music”, which had never been heard on my planet until our radio waves picked up an earth signal of something you call “The Mike Check Show”, had helped us to destroy the Mazi rebel forces, whom were hypersensitive to such sounds, and thus ended the Great Martian War. And ever since the war’s conclusion, listening to your musical progrem has become the most popular pastime on Mars. And that is where you come in. Mike Check, I have come to take you back to my home planet for we need a radio deejay, and there are none better than you to bring us Martians this “entertainment” that you earthlings hold dear.
Mike Check (*trying to stall*): Weeell…I cannot do that right now as I am just about the start my Seven years of Whackin’ here on…
Kimar: This is not an invitation. We need you on Mars now. (*shouts out*) Get him Torg 6!
(*A 8 foot tall robot bursts through the door, grabs Mike and follows Kimar to his flying saucer*)
Mike’s Daughter: No! Bring back my dad! Oh no, now what are we going to do?!
Mike Check: Where am I?
Kimar: You Mike Check are on board my flying saucer.
Mike Check: What am I doing here feller? Take me back home. I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to leave my house? The police on Earth have put this nifty ankle bracelet on my leg and it’s supposed to warn them whenever I wonder off and get lost and these nice police fellers always seem to immediately turn up to help me back home.
Kimar: But Mike Check, I have come to take you back to my home planet Mars so you can, as you say, “play well in our particular market”. Our old and wise Chochem has prophesied that your brilliant ability to play this thing you call “music”, which is a new concept to my people, is just what we need for our race to settle into our post “Great Martian War” era.
Mike Check: Well what makes this Cho-cho feller so wise?
Kimar: That’s “Chochem”, have some respect, he is the oldest living Martian at 1000 of your Earth years old and knows and sees all. And he announced to me that we need “Mike Check on Mars”.
Mike Check: So he’s a little older than ole Mike, big deal. But why do you need me anyway? I’m sure that you smart green fellers could work out how to bang some drums or something?
Kimar: It’s much more complicated than that? For instance, after my wife arrived back from purchasing food pills for my children Bomar and Girmar, instead of expressing their desire for appetite, they were still glued to their “radios” listening to Earth musical progems. They also keep asking me strange questions like: “Father, what is “Boogie” and, Father, what is the meaning of “Rock and/or Roll?”? I have no answer for such strange questions? But you are an expert on such things because, it’s as you say, you have “worked many markets”.
Mike Check: Okay, but it sounds like you Martians fellers are a bunch of ‘squares’ if you need ole Mike to bring the Rock n’ Roll to Mars? But well whats in it for me?
Kimar: For your services, I will make sure to grant you every luxury that you have ever dreamed of; such as the best food pills you have ever tasted.
Mike Check: Don’t care. Take me home.
Kimar: We have fast flying vehicles, better than those Ferrari’s that you have on Earth.
Mike Check: No.
Kimar: Do you prefer, as you call them in Earth: Hookers?
Mike Check: So, what time do we get there “Little Martian” feller?
As I was saying before fellers, ole Mike and my daughter beat Sam in his song battle during “6 Years Of Whackin'”, but during Halloween Hootenanny later that year, he and his son Damien attempted to come after us again. But fortunate for us, we had some unexpected help from some Martians, who would later become ole Mike’s friends.
STAN (*still possessing Triple H’s body*): There’s nothing on the whole planet earth-ah that can defeat me and my son Damien-ah! Now, stop delaying the inevitable and hand over your souls like you should have done seven months ago-ah!
Mike Check: Okay fellers, you win.
Mike’s Daughter: No! D–(*interrupted as she sees a huge beam of light outside the window*): Dad! There’s a huge object hovering above out house! Is it a UFO?
(*A Martian transports, Star Trek style, into Mike’s House*):
Kimar: Greetings Earthlings. I am Kimar, leader of the planet Mars.
Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Martians?! Look we’re sorry that we accidentally killed your people with that Slim Whitman song during Halloween Hootenanny last year, but we had an annoying Zombie problem and now we have a bit of a–
Kimar: Do not fear earth woman. The “so called” Martians that you had massacred, one of your earth years ago, were members of the Mazi rebel forces that we were fighting in the Great Martian War. Actually, we have come in gratitude for you helping us finding the method in defeating them with the unusual sound that you call “music”. You see, the rebels are a race that are hypersensitive to such sounds. Sounds in which have never been heard on my planet until our radio waves picked up an earth signal of something you call “The Mike Check Show”. Since the war ended, listening to “The Mike Check Show” has become the most popular pastime on Mars–
STAN: What has this story got to do with anything-ah? Now will you go away-ah! My son Damien and I-ah are trying to take over the Earth-ah!
Kimar: Ha Ha Ha. The Demon they call “STAN”; your evil powers are no match for my Martian Ray Gun. And that’s why we have come, we wish to display our Martian gratitude to the earthling they call “Mike Check” by assisting him in defeating his worst enemy.
Mike Check: So you fellers have killed Ringo Starr? It’s about time, let me tell you.
Kimar: Your Earthling sense of humor confuses me? No, we are here to take the Demon, you call STAN, prisoner!
Damien: You think my Dad is scared of your little pop gun? Why…(*Kimar shoots STAN*)…What the F–
(*STAN’s essence leaves Triple H’s Body*)
Triple H (*un-possessed*): What happened-ah? (*looks around*) Where the hell am I? This is not Stamford, Connecticut?!
(*Damien sets the top of Triple H’s head on fire and he runs out of Mike’s House screaming*)
STAN: If you think what my son just did to Triple H was “Hot”, now that you have just released me into my true form, not only can I now finally stop annoyingly saying “ah” after ever fricken sentence, I also now possess the full evil power to…(*STAN and Damien are enclosed in a glass prison like structure that rapidly shrinks*)…Wait?! What’s happening to me?! what are you doing to us?! Let us out!
Kimar: You have both just been imprisoned in a structure, we call “The Phantom Zone”, in which no force in the Galaxy can escape from. And to make sure that you can do no harm to these earthlings, we will transport you into deep space and leave you floating there for 1000 years.
Mike’s Daughter: Like something like General Zod in Superman II?
Kimar: I’m not sure who this Super General who you refer to?…But Farewell Mike Check and daughter. In five months we shall return for you (*points at Mike*).
Mike Check: Me?
Mike’s Daughter: But! Why?!
(*Kimar beams out, with STAN and Damien immediately, giving no reply*)
Mike’s Daughter: But!? But!? Ah, whatever? Just play a song.
Mike Check: Weeelll. Yes. And let’s end today with the appropriately titled song; “Chase The Devil” by Max Romeo, here on…THE MACKER!
STAN: Well, I’ll be off then. My new strip club isn’t going to run on it’s own. So you still haven’t changed your mind about coming along for “the ride on my horn” Mike’s daughter? (*stares at Mike’s daughter’s eyes*)
Mike’s Daughter (*avoids eye contact with STAN*): Nope! And stop trying to use that eye/mind trick crap on me!
STAN: Very well. Come on, douche…I mean…Checkdar!
Checkdar: I do not comprehend your “douche” reference? Are you mispronouncing my name in the same manner as Mike Check mispronounces names of other Earthlings?
STAN (*sigh*): No, it was an insult. But never-mind that, I want to take you “space truckin'” to celebrate my new venture and we can leave these two imbeciles alone.
Checkdar: “Space Truckin'”? But an Earth truck would not be a sufficient vessel to return to my home planet of Mars. A Flying saucer would be required for that purpose?
Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar, what STAN means is that he wants to get “high”.
Checkdar: Indeed. My Saucer will indeed do that, but an Earth truck will not.
Mike’s Daughter: No, to be specific he want to go to around different place and do drugs with you.
Checkdar: What are “Drugs”?
STAN: You’ll see. They’re nothing harmful, have I ever lied to you before?
Mike’s Daughter: Checkdar! No! Don’t go with him! Believe me, you’ll be better off go back to Mars….”alone”, before you make another blunder.
STAN: You always have to be the party pooper, Mike’s daughter? Very well, but don’t come to me begging for any money or favors. I know that you two losers could definitely use it.
Mike’s daughter: Whatever. Just leave us alone.
STAN: Farewell. Oh, but I’m still open if you want to beg me for se—
Mike’s daughter: Just Go!
Checkdar: I must also be leaving now, Mike Check and daughter. (*disappears into a beam of light*)
Mike Check: Farewell fellers! Well, on that note, I think it’s time to play—
(*Father James Mitchell and Su Yung appear out of a ball of flames*): Mike! I heard a rumor that STAN has returned from Mars? Was that lying devil here?
Mike Check: Yep. You just missed him there feller?
Father James Mitchell: Damn, it’s about Su Yung! After STAN left the Hell realm, she has turned “normal” and calling herself Susie?!
Su Yung: Hi. My name is Suzie. What’s your name?
Father James Mitchell: No Su, we haven’t got time for that now. (*to Mike*) If STAN is responsible for this and playing one of his ribs on me, he’s going to have hell to pay…literally! But I’ll be back! Bwhahahahah! (*He and Su disappear into a ball of flames*)
Mike Check: Fascinating. After that, it sure feels like ole Mike has been “Space Truckin'” with Deep Purple, here on…THE MACKER!
Mike Check: So a running a nightclub on Mars—
Mike Check: Sorry, running a “ballroom” on Mars (*chuckles*) was all you did there SAM?
STAN: No, that obviously failed, so Checkdar had another “bright idea” (*sarcasm*) of giving me something else to do. He somehow convinced me to co-host his radio show with him. And if that wasn’t enough torture…which felt weird, because I’m usually the one that does the torturing…he wanted us both to have fake names so it would feel like one of Mike’s many failed radio progrems.
Mike Check: Hey feller, not all my radio progrems were failures, some were just short-lived due to contractual terms. Like the one…did I ever tell you fellers about the time I briefly worked—
STAN: Oh shut up Mike, this is supposed to about me. As I was saying, so Checkar and myself started a radio show called…It’s just embarrassing to say—
Checkdar: I will convey the name: Just as Mike Check adapts to a different alias on his every radio progream, it was decided that I, Checkdar would be renamed: “Mars Checkdar” and STAN would be known as “Stan Venus”…on the “The Venus and Mars Rockshow”!
Mike Check: I have to admit. That’s quite clever there feller.
Checkdar: My appreciation, Mike Check.
STAN: Bollocks! Those names were so cheesy and horrible that I almost vomited like a human for the first time ever. But however, my “Stan Venus” name eventually started to grow on me. Actually, I might even use that name as my new “earth realm” rich playboy persona?
Mike’s Daughter: (*chuckles*) Stan Venus? That sounds like the worst porno name ever?
STAN: That’s the whole point. Since I’m finally going to what I always desired to do, that is: rich, popular and screwing lots of chicks, I need a gimmick name that no one will forget. But speaking of “porn”, (*stares into Mike’s daughter’s eyes*) would you “desire” to make a private one with me in my new penthouse?
Mike’s Daughter: Ye…I mean…NO! Ewww! You may have a handsome new look and a sexy British accent, but NO, not in a million years! And besides, I have a boyfriend now!
STAN (*starts laughing in disbelief*): YOU? A boyfriend? Or “one” of your “boyfriends”?
Mike’s Daughter: “Boy-friend”. His name is Laurence, and he’s in the Military, so he’d kick your—
STAN: Unlikely, but very well, now I’ve heard everything. And I’ve even heard Hitler down in Hell admit that his favorite wrestler is Bill Goldberg? Guess how many pineapples up his rectum it took to get him to admit that?
Mike Check: I’m not sure there feller? But what I am sure of is that Checkdar’s clever radio show name also happens to be the name of a “Paul McCartney and Wings” melody. So here’s “Venus And Mars/Rockshow”, here on…THE MACKER!