Mike Check: What a crazy month we had for Halloween Hootenanny 2016! For those fellers who missed it, we had my pet Zombie Nathaniel runnin’ around trying to eat me and my daughter’s brains. It’s unfortunate that we had to put him down, but that feller was a “Maneater”, let me tell you. And…
Mike’s Daughter: So where’s Senor Benjamin and Vanguard One, who apparently saved us from Zombie Nathaniel, gone today? Weren’t they supposed to be our new gardeners? And, oh, do you think that Premier Blah from Wrestlecrapradio.com has forgotten about…
Mike Check: Hush darlin’, that’s old news. Anyway, speaking of “Maneater”, there’s a Presidential election coming up in the U.S.A between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Now, I’m not gonna tell ya fellers who I’m gonna vote for since ole Mike never gets political on any radio show I’ve ever worked on, but I will say that I’m not quite sure about this Hillary filly wanting to take a job that’s more suited for a man. It’s a scientific fact that males have more mental smarts than…
Mike’s Daughter: God dad, speaking of “old news”, you’re so ‘out of touch’!
Mike Check: No darlin’, where playing “Maneater” by Hall and Oates. You see, that’s why we need my male brain here to think of those little details.
Mike’s Daughter: That’s not what I meant (*walks away*)…idiot.
(*Nathaniel’s agonizing headache from the previous day starts to wear off*)
Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Okay, so now what dad?!
Mike Check: You know what.
Mike’s Daughter: Oh god. You mean? Are you sure that playing the song “Halloween Spooks” will finally kill Zombie Nathaniel?
Mike Check: Yep. And without any further ado here’s…(*The power goes out*)
Mike’s Daughter: What’s happening?!
Mike Check: Ah? I think we’re doomed there my precious petunia?…Run!
(*They try to run but Zombie Nathaniel grabs Mike’s Daughter’s arm*)
Zombie Nathaniel: BRRRRRAAAIIINNNSSS!
(*Mike’s Daughter screams but “Halloween Spooks” then plays loudly from outside*):
Zombie Nathaniel: AGGHHH–BRAINS! I’LL GET YO….(*Zombie Nathaniel’s head explodes*)
Mike Daughter (*catching her breath*): Thanks dad.
Mike Check: But I didn’t do anything there darlin’?
Mike Daughter: So who played….??? Wait, what that outside? Is that a UFO?
(*Mike Check’s power is restored and a Martian, similar to those from the film “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians” appears on Mike’s daughter’s computer screen.
“Martian”: Mike Check, I am Kidar. I have come here in gratitude on behalf of the people of the planet Mars for your solution in finding a way to destroy our enemy in the Great Martian War. This invention that you call “music” is as you say is; “Fascinating”. I will be back in 12 of your Earth months to collect more. But until then, I bid you farewell. (*UFO flies away*)
Mike Daughter: What just happened here? Was he a real Martian? And he thanked you? But…didn’t we accidentally kill his people the day after Roddy Piper was here? And did he play “Halloween Spooks”? How did he know? It doesn’t make sense?
(*knock at the door*)
Mike Check (*opens door*): Ah, thanks there Señor Benjamin. Now would you clean up this dead Zombie mess from our studio floor and bury him deep under the ground there feller?
Senor Benjamin (*standing outside the door with Vanguard One, who’s carrying a boombox which is still playing “Halloween Spooks”s*): Si Señor Check.
Mike Daughter: Ah? Is Vanguard One back? And what’s “Broken” Matt Hardy’s caretaker Señor Benjamin doing here?
Mike Check: He’s also our gardener. Remember.
Mike Daughter: But…? Since when?…(*sigh*) Whatever. I have a headache, I’m going to take a warm bath. (*goes to the bathroom, undresses and screams when she sees the two teenage perverts from earlier in the month peering through a gap in the window*)
Teenage boy #1: Cool. With that Zombie gone, now we finally get to see her ti…(*his head is hit with a shovel from behind*)
Teenage boy #2 What th…(*his head is also hit with a shovel*)
Mike’s Daughter: Who just hit those perverts with that shovel?
(*Mike’s Daughter puts on a towel, looks out the window and see’s Señor Benjamin dropping a shovel with the word “delete” written on it and then drags the two unconscious boys towards an open grave that he had dug up previously. Señor Benjamin then looks up at Mike’s Daughter and his eyes turn yellow, similar to Michael Jackson at the end of the “Thriller” music video. He also gives her the thumbs up gesture.*)
Mike Daughter: Ah? Thanks again, I guess?! (*shocked but then shrugs her shoulders and says to herself*) Normally I would say that was weird, but it wasn’t the weirdest thing that I’ve seen all month.
(*Zombie Nathaniel his still furiously trying to break open his cage door*)
Mike’s Daughter: Dad! What if he gets out?! What are we gonna do?!
Mike Check: Hold on, I think I have a plan. But I don’t think that you’ll like it?
Mike’s Daughter: Dad! As long as it doesn’t involve me sleeping with him. I’ll do anything!
Mike Check: Huh? I wouldn’t dream of that, but I must try to play the very song that you hate, which is a Mike Check show tradition.
Mike’s Daughter: Oh god no. Not “Monster Mash” again?! What good could that possibly achieve anyway?
Mike Check: It’s just a hunch but…
Zombie Nathaniel (*finally breaks open the door*) BRAAAAIIIINNNNSS!
Mike’s Daughter: Quick! Play the damn thing!
Zombie Nathaniel (*about to attack Mike and his daughter but stops and covers his ears*) : MY HEAD! I THINK, IT FEELS LIKE IT’S GONNA EXPLODE–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: It working but why is he not dead yet?
Mike Check: Weeelll. I guess ya’ll need to stay tuned tomorrow for Halloween Hootenanny!
Mike’s Daughter: Dad, I still think that the power of music can still somehow rid of this Zombie Nerd Nathaniel. I mean, Matt Hardy’s Violin music gave him puke yesterday, so I think that we need something really awful.
Mike Check: Weeelll, I was hoping that it wouldn’t have to come to this but I think I may have a tune that I’ve been saving in the vault for such an emergency. This song, “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” by Tim Curry, will make anyone’s head explode, let me tell you. Now put on these ear muffs to protect your ears, and I urge you listeners to do the same, while I crank this tune up to eleven…here on THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter (*slowly takes off ear muffs*): Is it over?
Mike Check: What!? Oh, (*takes off ear muffs*) I hope…
Zombie Nathaniel! NO! NO! NO!–BRAINS! That’s the most terrible thing that I’ve ever heard–BRAINS. I don’t know what makes me angrier, that song or when the I.W.C. say that TNA: Total Non Stop Action Wrestling sucks?!–BRAINS! That’s it–BRAINS! (*Zombie Nathaniel tries to bash open his cage door*).
Mike’s Daughter (*panics*): Oh, crap.
Zombie Nathaniel: Did you fix your computer problem yet because I want to hear a proper Jeff Hardy TNA theme NOW!–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: Why don’t you just sh…(*stops as she sees a flying drone hovering outside the window*)…What’s that?!
Mike Check: Some kind of flying robot? Oh no!? The Martians are back?!
Mike’s Daughter: (*while walking over to window*) I don’t think so dad…(*opens window and the drone flies inside*)
Zombie Nathaniel: NO NO NO—BRAINS! Kill it–BRAINS! (*tries to swing at the drone with his Zombie claws*)
*A hologram of “Broken” Matt Hardy appears above the drone*
“Broken” Matt Hardy (*speaking via Vanguard One’s Hologram*): Brother Edward Rodham, I knew you’d come….to Meek Check’s humble abode. I am “Broken” Matt Hardy and I just had a premin-ee-tion that you were being a traitorous mule by attempting to terrorize Meek Check into exhibiting one of Brother Nero’s OBSOLETE songs of theme just like you did last week with the playing of tunes of the OBSOLETE Abyss of the Demonic Decay. So I have sent my loyal servant Vanguard One all the way from my compound in Cameron, North Carolina to scramble the signal and render you DEL-EE-TED!
Zombie Nathaniel: Boy Oh boy, Matt Hardy–BRAINS?! I’m a big fan…but I like your brother Jeff Hardy better because he’s The Charismatic Enigma, not “Brother Nero”–BRAINS. And I bet you can’t perform the Swanton like him, can ya, huh, huh–BRAINS?!
“Broken” Matt Hardy: You insult me with your blasphemous ignorance, Brother Edward Rodham! The name that you refer to as ‘Jeff Hardy’ is OBSOLETE and ‘Brother Nero’ is merely an empty vessel when compared to my broken brilliance. I have been blessed, by the seven deities, with magical abilities so powerful that I could not safely perform such a spot monkey maneuver without shattering all of space and time. But one ability that I WILL indulge in is to perform a classical piece on my Stradivarius, that was gifted to me by Antonio Stradivari himself in the 1700’s, and I have procured one such tune that will DEL-EE-TE your dilapidated ass!
Mike Check: Well which one might that be there feller?
“Broken” Matt Hardy: Ahhhhhh Yeeesss, Meek Check. The score that will render this decrepit erection OBSOLETE; is…Michael Daugherty’s “Viola Zombie”.
Mike’s Daughter: Okay, but this better work!
Zombie Nathaniel: Oh boy! My zombie stomach is aching–BRAINS!…But that’s due to 7 minutes of boredom–BRAINS! And…(*Nathaniel vomits a mustard like substance at Vanguard One*)
“Broken” Matt Hardy: Agggghhhhh!? Look what you did to my beloved Vanguard One! Is this vile substance Mustard?! I strongly dislike Mustard! Come, Vanguard One, fly back for cleaning post haste! And you Brother Edward Rodham, you are fortunate that my physical presence is absent inside Meek Check’s abode because I would eat your brains agaeein and agaeein and agaeein and agaeein! But mark my words, I soon will send my caretaker and General in the great war, Senor Benjamin, to prepare the battlefield for burial and then you will be OVAH! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! (*Vanguard One drone flies away*)
Mike Check: Fascinating.
Zombie Nathaniel: So can we play a Jeff hardy theme now–BRAINS?
Mike’s Daughter: Well, (*checks her computer*) I can’t even if I could because the files somehow have been…deleted?!
Zombie Nathaniel: Aaagghhh!! Now I’m getting mad–BRAINS!
Mike Check: Darlin’, I don’t know why you keep hiring those fellers to kill our pet Zombie?
Mike’s Daughter: Nathaniel’s not out pet dad! And let alone the fact that he’s a danger to us all if he gets out of his cage and eats our brains, but he’s also annoying as fu…
Mike Check: I know, but what I am trying to tell you is that if we must do this, we should do it ourselves with the best way that ole Mike knows how: With a song.
Mike’s Daughter: Really, that’s you’re plan? A song?
Mike Check: Now, while this may not a “Hootenanny” kinda song, I heard an old Indian legend that if you play “Indian Love Call” by Slim Whitman it will make them Zombies heads explode…or was it Martians? I don’t know?
Mike’s Daughter: Oh, you mean something like in the film “Mars Attacks”?
Mike Check: What’s “Mars Attacks”?
Mike’s Daughter: Never-mind.
Zombie Nathaniel: Are you gonna play another crappy song Mike, BRAINS! Why can’t you just play something else by Dale Oliver again–BRAINS!? I told ya that his TNA, Total Non-Stop Action themes are the greatest music ever composed, BRAINS! As guest co-host of this show, I want them played–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: Grrr! Some of those themes would make my head explode! Whatever, just play it dad!
Mike Check: So is he dead yet darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: No (*sigh*). But…(*hears car crash noises and looks outside*) there are several “Idiots in cars” that Roddy Piper’s ghost was shooting at outside our house at yesterday that now no longer have heads? I guess they must have all been Martians? But I guess that could explain what planet Dixie comes from?
Zombie Nathaniel: Enough–BRAINS! I don’t know what you’re trying to pull with that poor excuse for a song but I demand to hear another TNA: Total Non Stop Action Wrestling theme by my other favorite wrestler, Jeff Hardy–BRAINS!
(*The wrong Jeff Hardy theme is played, called “Obsolete”*)!
Zombie Nathaniel: No No No! I wanted you to play “Modest”! Not this?!–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: I don’t know? I think something has scrabbled my computer…thank God.
Mike’s Daughter: I know this might be controversial but I’m gonna pull out the Seancetrolla to get the help of a famous friend of Wrestlecrap Radio who might be able to chase away that creep Zombie Nathaniel.
Dixie Carter: Who might that be sugah?
Mike’s Daughter: Oh my God! Why are you still here Dixie?!
Zombie Nathaniel: Show some respect–BRAINS! That is the owner of TNA: Total Non Stop Action Wrestling, Dixie Carter, that you’re talking to–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, whatever (*sarcastic cough*). Ah, but as I was saying, I will now summon…”Rowdy” Roddy Piper!
Piper (Piper’s ghost appears wearing sunglasses and holding a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of Bubble Gum.
Mike Check: Great Mr. Roddy Rowdy. Could you help us get rid of this monster feller?
Zombie Nathaniel: Boy oh boy, I’m your biggest fan Mr. Piper–BRAINS! I loved that shoot promo you cut on Vince Russo back in 2002–BRAINS!! (*looks at Piper’s shotgun*) But speaking of “shoot, “you won’t shoot me will ya, huh–BRAINS!?
Piper: (*Looks over to Nathaniel*) You know, you look like you fell on a cheese dip in 1957, but…you’re okay. (*Turns his attention to Dixie*) But YOU, when I put these glasses on; Formaldehyde face!
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah!…Huh, what?
Dixie: Oh my, sugah? How rude?!…
Piper: You know what you need!? You need a Brazilian plastic surgeon! (*Goes to shoot Dixie but she runs away as Piper runs after her outside. He fails to catch her as he is stalled by various cars on the street trying to run him over.*) IDIOTS IN CARS!!! (*starts shooting at them*) Ha Ha! Never throw stones at a man with a machine gun! (*keeps on shooting*)
Mike’s Daughter (*while looking out the door*): Dixie? Idiots in cars? What the hell? (*sigh*) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised?