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The Girl’s A Devil by The Dukays

(*knock at the door*)

Mike’s Daughter (*opens door*): Oh, not you again?!

[Theme: “Tony’s Theme” by Giorgio Moroder]

The Midnight Rose: Eey chica. The Midnight Rose is back and ready to make you my wife, mang!

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell are you doing here?! Didn’t you get the hint that I didn’t want you in my life after my dad, who’s probably like 50 years your senior, kicked your ass like four months ago!?

The Midnight Rose: But chica. Your son told me that you wanted me back on the Tweeter, mang?

Mike Daughter: My so…I don’t have a…?! Oh, let me guess. See this devil kid here (*points to Damien*), this is Damien the son of STAN The Evil Troll Lord, I’m guessing that he trolled you by posing as “my so-called son”, thus misleading you to come all the way here? So just like Mark Tyson from yesterday, I suggest that you leave before he does something bad to you?!

The Midnight Rose: This is reedicculous! “Something bad”?! I wanna do something bad to you now, chica! (*grabs Mike’s daughter*) I’m taking you to church right…(*stops*) Wait, chica!? What happened to your boobs?!

Mike Daughter: I told you, Damien does bad things to people. A few days ago this brat ruined my second biggest asset, other than my brain of course.

(*The Midnight Rose, Mike Check and Damien all start laughing*)

Mike Daughter: I’m serious! Screw you guys! (*runs to her room sobbing*)

The Midnight Rose: Forget it mang. I don wanna love some small tittied pelican anyways. but Eey little mang, if you got the power of the devil, why don you get The Midnight Rose a pelican wit big pineapples for me right now before you (*points a gun at Damien*) say hello to my little friend!

Damien: Okay, I think I can help you out? You want a full-figured woman right?!

The Midnight Rose: Sí! The bigger the better, mang!

[Theme: “The Man In Me” by Goldy Locks]

(*An overweight Dixie Carter arrives in an ice cream van and shuffles over to Mike Check’s front door*)

Dixie: Weelll there sugah, is this the handsome masked man that whats to marry lil’ ole me?

The Midnight Rose: Little?! No Chica! There must be some mistake?!

Dixie: Oh my! Your such a handsome man. Why don’t you take off that luchador mask and give me some sugah, sugah!

The Midnight Rose: No! This pelican looks more like a 500 pound turkey, mang! I tink the “Girl’s A Devil”! Say goodbye to the bad guy! (*runs away*)

Damien: Bwhahahah!

Dixie: What are you giggling at sugah? That was my only chance at a man lovin’ lil’ ole me ever since my husband Serge left me. Boo Hoo Hoo. (*gets back into her ice cream truck, scoffs down a couple of Dixie Cups before driving off and chases after the direction of The Midnight Rose*).

Mike Check: …Fascinating.

Dixie by Karen Elson with The Secret Sisters

*Doc Brown, Dixie and the Midnight Rose are all gathered at Mike Check’s house along with Mike’s Daughter*

Midnight Rose: Damn puto. He was supposed to help me out with everything and I get dropped off here by a Lyft ride of all things.

Doc Brown (whispering to Mike’s Daughter): Is this the guy that’s threatening to kill Mike Check if you don’t marry him?

Mike’s Daughter (whispering to Doc Brown) Unfortunately yes.

Midnight Rose: HEY! Don’t go whispering around me! *looks at Doc Brown* I don’t like you mang!

Doc Brown: Doctor Emmet L Brown, good to meet you sir. I can be very helpful to you. In fact I once help build a bomb for The Libyans.

Midnight Rose: Libyans huh? They were pretty bad back in the day mang. All right you can stay, but who’s the caucha gringa over there? *pointing to Dixie sticking her whole face in a quart of Dreyer’s Ice Cream*

Mike’s Daughter: Oh that’s Dixie. She’s not. Well.

Midnight Rose: Well. She smells and looks like money mang. I can use her.

*Midnight Rose is about to grab Dixie when all of a sudden a gun is pointed to the back of The Rose’s head.*

???: Feller. If you touch even one hair on my sweet buttercup you miserable low life I will give you an extra hole where you can breathe.

Midnight Rose: It’s okay, it’s okay. That’s cool mang. I’m just kidding.

Mike’s Daughter: Thanks for the rescue and all but who the hell are you?

Col. Bob Carter: My name is Robert Carter but my friends call me Colonel Bob Carter ma’am and its so impolite to hear from someone from the fairer sex to speak like that.

Mike’s Daughter: Colonel Bob Carter? Wait. You’re Dixie’s dad?! What Dixie said was true! You’re here to buy my dad’s radio station.

Col. Bob Carter: Oh heavens no! I’m here because I got the latest bill from that ice cream place and they said some driver had delivered my daughter some ice cream here. So I came here to pick my little buttercup up.

Mike’s Daughter: Good! Take her and leave.

Col. Bob Carter: But don’t you wanna hear how she got here?

Mike’s Daughter: Nope.

Col. Bob Carter: It’s a heart breaking tale?

Mike’s Daughter: Look Colonel Bob thank you for helping me out here with getting me out of my so-called wedding here but I need to get my dad out of jail soon.

Col. Bob Carter: Much obliged ma’am. Come on Dixie, Mommy made us some more of that peach jam and you know how much I like some of that peach jam with my breakfast?

Dixie: Oooohhh! But I wanna stay here daddy and run the radio station. Pretty please with sugah on top daddy?

Col. Bob Carter: Now look here buttercup, you know I won’t let you do any more business deals with my money ever since you asked to invest in TNA and that turned out not the investment that I wanted to do.

Dixie *pouts*: But daddy!

Col. Bob Carter: I got your Abyss teddy bear in the car.

Dixie: You brought Abyss! Yay! Daddy can A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe wrestle for the title for me?

Col. Bob Carter Why yes, they sure can there buttercup.

Dixie: YAY!

*Dixie and Col. Bob Carter leave before being stopped by Mike’s Daughter*

Mike’s Daughter: Wait! Colonel Bob! AJ Styles and Samoa Joe can’t be back in TNA?!?

Col. Bob Cater: Oh no ma’am. My daughter hasn’t been right in the noggin since that mean sports company let my daughter go and that foul husband of hers left her. She went mentally insane and thinks she still runs TNA.

Mike’s Daughter: Well that explains—WAIT! WHAT?!?

Heavy by Linkin Park ft. Kiiara

*Dixie is apparently still at Mike Check’s house, with Mike’s Daughter, and is in the background eating Ice Cream*

Dixie: *BURP* Oh my. *looks for more Ice Cream* I ran out, sugah! NO! Oh wait! *Dixie gets her 500 pound fat hands around her phone, presses an app and a Dreyer’s Ice Cream Van appears.*

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man (knocks on the open door): Got your ice cream for you Ms. Carter *drops off some cold-boxes filled with ice cream*

Mike’s Daughter: What the hell is this?

Dixie: My ice cream! YAY! A pretty please and a thank ya there sugah.

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: We usually don’t provide this type of service ma’am but since Ms. Carter has been recently buying a lot of our products here at Dreyer’s, we award her with free delivery–

*Sound of thunder comes from outside as The Delorean comes out of nowhere nearly hitting the ice cream truck as Doc Brown steps out of The Delorean*

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: What the Hell!?!? I think he almost hit my truck!

Mike’s Daughter: Doc Brown? Didn’t I see you last helping us out defeating the T-O’Mac?

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: The T-O What?!?

Doc Brown: Ah yes. The girl with the artificially enhanced chest.

Mike’s Daughter: They’re Natural! I had a late growth spurt!

Doc Brown: Where’s your father? Where’s Mike Check?

Mike’s Daughter: Dad’s in jail.

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! We must get your father out of jail and quickly! Time and space are collapsing at any moment and somehow Mike Check is the source of it all!

Mike’s Daughter: Woah Doc! That’s heavy.

Doc Brown: Why do you, Marty, and everybody whom I speak to has to say that and it doesn’t effect anything at all?!?

Mike’s Daughter: Its a figure of speech Doc, Geez! I hardly believe that my Dad causes the end of everything. He can barely remember anyone’s name. Even mine! AND its a simple name! Its–

Doc Brown: We need to get your father out of prison now! Where did they place him?

Mike’s Daughter: The cops said New Folsom Prison.

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!!! You must come with me at once!

Mike’s Daughter: Can’t Doc. I got a 500 pound woman in my home eating ice cream like there’s no tomorrow wanting an answer on if she wants to buy my Dad’s so-called radio station and what’s worse is I got this Scarface wannabe coming to MY HOME who I have to marry else he’s going to kill my father!

Doc Brown: Now that is, as you say, heavy.

Dreyer’s Ice Cream Man: And you two are god damn nuts! I’m outta here!

The Man In Me By Goldy Locks

*Doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Uuuhhh….

*doorbell ringing*

Mike’s Daughter: Can you chill with the noise?

*knocking on the door*

Mike’s Daughter Go away! I’m trying to sleep

Mike’s Daughter: OK! OK! I’m up! I’m up! You don’t have to play that god awful song! *Opens the door to reveal a 500-pound Dixie riding a Rascal scooter* Uh…Dixie. You look.

Dixie: Buff right sugah? *drinks an entire Milkshake in one shot*

Mike’s Daughter: More like. Well. I would say your more than the size of Yokozuna more than anything and he was not…well.

Dixie: Oh come on there sugah, *opens a quart of Dreyer’s Rocky Road Ice Cream* I know your jealous of lil’ ole me! *stuffs face in the quart*

Mike’s Daughter: More like sickened really. Why the hell are you even here in the first place?!?

Dixie: Like I told you when I last called sugah, I felt real bad about your money problems there so I wanna invest my money into your radio station there sugah.

Mike’s Daughter: Like I said the last time, didn’t your dad cut you off?

Dixie: *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s California Caramel Almond Crunch* Mmmrfh, Mmrfh-rfh.

Mike’s Daughter: What’s that?

Dixie: After? Daddy is willing to help me out. After. After *sob*

Mike’s Daughter: After?

Dixie (cries): SERGE LEFT ME!

Mike’s Daughter: AW! I should be sad but really–

Dixie: To use a naughty word that the youngin’s say, Fk That Owl! After Anthem Sports threw me out I went into a great depression so I decided to get back by working out–

Mike’s Daughter: You mean you started to drown your sorrows in ice cream?

Dixie: Daddy was going to help me out one more time to get me back on my lil’ ole feet… *BURP* Oh my. *throws away the empty quart and opens a new quart of Dreyer’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup* So he wanted to invest into your dad’s station. I wanted to tell you this sugah but…oh my, this is awful embarrassing… I lost my phone in a quart of Rum Raisin. Oh, now I’m makin’ ME blush. So how about it sugah?

Mike’s Daughter: Ah? Can I get back to you on that?

The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down by Joan Baez

(*phone rings*)

Mike Check: Hello, KMCR?

Dixie: Why hello there sugah. It’s lil’ ole me Dixie here and I just wanted to…

Mike’s Daughter (*interrupts*): Who is it dad?

Mike Check: It’s Daisy Carter. You know, from….? Where do I know her from again?

Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* Put her on speaker! (*to Dixie*) Dixie, what do you want?! I was hoping that Roddy Piper’s ghost would have shot you last Halloween?

Dixie: No sugah, it’s not like I’m some evil Martian sent to Earth to ruin thangs (*nervous laughter*)…uh, but anyways sugah, I just wanted to show ya’ll my support since I hear that those bad ole fellers at want to take over your show. It’s just like the time when that mean ole Billy Corgan wanted to take TNA from poor lil’ ole me. Me and my daddy Colonel Bob were running thangs just fine. Oh! Maybe I’ll ask my daddy for some money to invest in your company so we can run it together? Oh, now that would make me blush, sugah.

Mike’s Daughter: Ah, no Dixie, your management of TNA is what makes me “blush”. Wait, didn’t your dad cut you off a while ago, which is why Anthem has recently bought most of Impact Wrestling anyway? So what the hell money are you talking about?

Dixie: Uh….(*phone hangs up*)

Mike’s Daughter: I never thought that I’d quote you dad but: “Fascinating”!

Mike Check: But why did you scare her off darlin’? That pretty southern filly could have saved our show?

Mike’s Daughter: Well, you see dad…(*laughs hysterically*) Dixie saving OUR show??? (*continues to laugh hysterically*)

Mike Check: I don’t understand that particular reference there, but this must be like the song “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” by Joan Baez, here on…THE MACKER!

All Out Of Bubble Gum by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth

Mike’s Daughter: I know this might be controversial but I’m gonna pull out the Seancetrolla to get the help of a famous friend of Wrestlecrap Radio who might be able to chase away that creep Zombie Nathaniel.

Dixie Carter: Who might that be sugah?

Mike’s Daughter: Oh my God! Why are you still here Dixie?!

Zombie Nathaniel: Show some respect–BRAINS! That is the owner of TNA: Total Non Stop Action Wrestling, Dixie Carter, that you’re talking to–BRAINS!

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, whatever (*sarcastic cough*). Ah, but as I was saying, I will now summon…”Rowdy” Roddy Piper!

Piper (Piper’s ghost appears wearing sunglasses and holding a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of Bubble Gum.

Mike Check: Great Mr. Roddy Rowdy. Could you help us get rid of this monster feller?

Zombie Nathaniel: Boy oh boy, I’m your biggest fan Mr. Piper–BRAINS! I loved that shoot promo you cut on Vince Russo back in 2002–BRAINS!! (*looks at Piper’s shotgun*) But speaking of “shoot, “you won’t shoot me will ya, huh–BRAINS!?

Piper: (*Looks over to Nathaniel*) You know, you look like you fell on a cheese dip in 1957, but…you’re okay. (*Turns his attention to Dixie*) But YOU, when I put these glasses on; Formaldehyde face!

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah!…Huh, what?

Dixie: Oh my, sugah? How rude?!…

Piper: You know what you need!? You need a Brazilian plastic surgeon! (*Goes to shoot Dixie but she runs away as Piper runs after her outside. He fails to catch her as he is stalled by various cars on the street trying to run him over.*) IDIOTS IN CARS!!! (*starts shooting at them*) Ha Ha! Never throw stones at a man with a machine gun! (*keeps on shooting*)

Mike’s Daughter (*while looking out the door*): Dixie? Idiots in cars? What the hell? (*sigh*) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised?

Hollywood Halloween by Paul Broucek

Mike’s Daughter: Well I called one of my dad’s old friends to “run wild on you” Nathaniel. (*knock on the door) Oh here he comes now:

(*Hulk Hogan slowly walks in*)

Mike Check: Well if it ain’t my old friend Billy Ceps or is it “The Hulk” these days?

Hogan: No brother, it’s “The “Hulkster” man, I don’t want to get you sued by Marvel jack! The same way I sued those stupid little dudes from Gawker brother!

Mike Check: Well why are you dressed in black? Is this some Halloween costume feller?

Hogan: Well you know somethin’ Mean Mike, because it’s “Halloween Havoc” this month on The Mike Check Show brother, today it’s not about the Red and Yellow dude, but it’s all about the Black attack jack! And “Hollywood” Hogan is here because he’s gonna help you land a leg drop that big stinky Zombie problem brother!

Zombie Nathaniel: Oh boy! It’s Hollywood Hulk Hogan, BRAINS! I was a big fan you yours, especially during 2010-12 when you were in TNA, Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling with Eric Bischoff–BRAINS!

Hogan: Don’t remind me of TNA Zombie dude! That worst period of my life man, although not as bad as what I went through after what I said to my son Nick on the phone got out…grrr! Now you’re really making me mad brother! (*rips shirt*) Now whatcha gonna do when…

(*Dixie Carter bursts through the door*)

Dixie: Why hello there sugahs. I heard that little ole Hulkster was in the neighborhood and (*grabs Hogan by the legs*) please come back to TNA, I need you sugah! That Billy Corgan feller wants my company but he can’t run TNA like we did back in 2010, he just can’t sugah!

Hogan (*dragging Dixie while trying to walk out the door*): Oh no Dixie brother, I told you that I’m not going back jack. (*steps away from Dixie’s grasp and says to Mike Check*) Sorry Checkster brother, I don’t need this right now man, these big stinky Zombies are your problem now dude! (*walks out the door*)

Mike’s Daughter: (*sarcastically*) Great timing Dixie, thanks a lot!

Dixie: Oh my? What did little ole me do?

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