Mike Check: Well there fellers…(*Mike is interrupted by a knock at the front door, he then opens the door and there’s a Hillbilly parent and child waiting*)
Hillbilly dad: Hey feller, da ya have any Hubba Bubba Bubble gum there for ma son there partner?
Mike Check: Well hello there fellers! People usually say “Trick or Treat” before asking for candy, but very well…(*looks through his bag of candy but can’t find it*) No, let me ask my daughter (*to his daughter*) Do we have any Hubba Bubba Bubble gum?
Mike’s Daughter (*comes to the door*): Hi. No sorry, I think we may have Dubble Bubble—?
Hillbilly kid: No! I want “Hubba Bubba Bubble gum”!
Mike’s Daughter: But little guy, “Dubble Bubble” is just as good?
Hillbilly kid: No! I want Hubba Bubba!
Hillbilly dad: Forget about it. My son don’t want ya’ll crappy brand of gum anyway.
Mike’s Daughter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You do realize that we are handing out this candy for free? Why are you acting so entitled you damn hillbilly fu—
Mike Check: Calm down. It’s not worth it there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter (*calms down*): I’m sorry…(*pauses*) But I think I have an idea of who I can ask? Just wait.
(*Mike’s Daughter goes into another room where she uses the seancetrolla to summon The ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper*)
Ghost of Roddy Piper (*goes to the front door with his shot gun*): I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and I’m all outta bubblegum!
Hillbilly dad: All outta what?! Who d’hell are yah? And why don’t yah put that pop gun away?
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Pop gun?! Oh, ya know, you people are lucky that I’m not holding a coconut, ask Snuka?! (*puts gun down*) So what’s this garbage I hear about you not showing some damn gratitude to Mike Check and his daughter for their generosity in offering you two snakes their candy that they’re givin’ to ya for nothing?!
Hillbilly dad: Well ma boy wants Hubba Bubba and this old cowboy wannabe ain’t got none?
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: You know sir, I know what it’s like to have kids. I have bunches of them. And what type of example are ya showing your son? You didn’t even teach him to say “Trick or Trick” and “Please and Thank Ya”?!
Hillbilly dad: Well “Please and thank ya, but fu—
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Oh, no no no! Ya nasty piece of…(*pauses*) Sorry, look, I think I might have what you want? (*gets a packet of Hubba Bubba out of his pocket*)
Hillbilly kid: Finally! (*grabs the gum from Piper’s hand and shoves it in his mouth*)
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Ya know kid, you should take that candy home before you eat it?
Hillbilly kid: Shut u…(*the kids appearance transforms into The Fabulous Moolah*) Aagghh! What’s happening to me?!
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: You know, as I was saying, you should take the candy home before you eat it, and kid, you just ate my gum with the poison in it that I was originally gonna give to McMahon…and now you look like Moolah!
Hillbilly dad: What have you done!? My son looks like sum ugly old hag? I’m gonna sue ya…(*interrupted as a crazy driver in a car almost runs the hillbillies over which causes them to run away*).
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: And watch out for the “Idiot in Cars”! Ha Ha ha! (*Looks over to Mike Check and his daughter who are perplexed*) What? Too much? …Well Mike, why don’t ya have a Happy Halloween and Trick or Treat (*vanishes*).
Mike Check: Fascinating.
Mike’s Daughter: Are Angry Jim and his Japanese cousin still fighting out there?
Mike Check: Looks out the window. I’m afraid so darlin’. It seems that this fight is very…very…very…very long. It kinda reminds me of this film where this feller finds some sunglasses and sees Aliens, so he tries to get his friend to put him on but he refuses so they have a fight which seemed six hours long–
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, you mean “They Live” starring “Rowdy” Roddy Piper…oh that gives me an idea? If no one “living” can help us with our “devil child Damien problem, perhaps I could get out the Seancetrolla and summon a ghost that I think could help us? (*gets out Seancetrolla and starts chanting*) Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy!
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*appears and stands outside Mike’s front door with a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew gum bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all outta bubblegum!
Mike’s Daughter: Great. Now, can you shoot Damien for me?
Damien: Oh no, I’m a goner! I better summon some help right now?
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper : Mama don’t like tattletales!
(*Just as The Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper is about to pull the trigger of his shot gun, The Boogeyman appears*)
[Theme: “Coming To Get Ya!” by Jim Johnston]
The Boogeyman: Bwhahahaha! (*smashes a clock over his head*) I’m The Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to get ya!
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You know, you look like your head fell in cheese dip back in 1957!
Mike’s Daughter: Wait? Who are you talking to?
Mike Check (*hiding behind his daughter*): Roddy’s talking to The Boogeyman! Oh no there, he’s coming to get me!
Mike’s Daughter (*looks around*): What Boogeyman?!
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You can’t see him?! He’s right here in front of you!
(*The Boogeyman waves at Mike’s Daughter*)
Mike’s Daughter: Where?!
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*takes off his sunglasses and gives them to Mike’s Daughter*): Put these glasses on!
Mike’s Daughter: I don’t think that will work…?
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: I said, put them on!
Mike’s Daughter: Okay, okay! (*puts the glasses on and looks around*) Nope.
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Really?! Nothing?!
Mike’s Daughter: No…wait…where did all those “Mike Check Is My Favorite Wrestlecrap Radio TNA Correspondent” billboards come from?… I guess that might actually explain your popularity dad?!
Damien: Fools! Why are you all standing around! Why don’t you fight each other like I made them (*Damien points over to Angry Jim and Jimichiro Rosshu who are still fighting but are now tired and are leaning on each other while trying to throw punches. They then both collapse*)…?!
Boogeyman (*sigh*): Jimichiro-sama! I’m comin’ to get ya! (*goes to Jimichiro’s almost unconscious body and drags him away*)
Mike’s Daughter: What’s happening?!
Mike Check: Weelll, that Japanese feller over there made a Boogeyman robot to kidnap Ringo Starr two years ago and I guess he’s now dragging his master back home?
Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman robot?! I still can’t see who you’re all looking at?! But…I now see Bob Caudle dragging Angry Jim away?
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: No, I’m not talking about Bob Caudle! You still don’t see The Boogeyman?! And I thought I lost a lot of brain cells?! (*takes his sunglasses away from Mike’s Daughter*)! Now what was I here for again?!
Damien (*points across the road*): Look! There’s a kid not wearing neon green and I think that other kid next to him might be eating candy before he taking it home?
Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Agghh! (*runs across the road, dodging cars almost running him over, and starts chasing the random Trick or Treaters*) Hey kid! You forgot to say “Please and Thank Ya!”
Damien: And watch out for the “Idiots In Cars”! Bwhahahah!
Mike Check: Fascinating.
Mike Check: Hello, KMCR?
Dixie: Why hello there sugah. It’s lil’ ole me Dixie here and I just wanted to…
Mike’s Daughter (*interrupts*): Who is it dad?
Mike Check: It’s Daisy Carter. You know, from….? Where do I know her from again?
Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* Put her on speaker! (*to Dixie*) Dixie, what do you want?! I was hoping that Roddy Piper’s ghost would have shot you last Halloween?
Dixie: No sugah, it’s not like I’m some evil Martian sent to Earth to ruin thangs (*nervous laughter*)…uh, but anyways sugah, I just wanted to show ya’ll my support since I hear that those bad ole fellers at Wrestlecrapradio.com want to take over your show. It’s just like the time when that mean ole Billy Corgan wanted to take TNA from poor lil’ ole me. Me and my daddy Colonel Bob were running thangs just fine. Oh! Maybe I’ll ask my daddy for some money to invest in your company so we can run it together? Oh, now that would make me blush, sugah.
Mike’s Daughter: Ah, no Dixie, your management of TNA is what makes me “blush”. Wait, didn’t your dad cut you off a while ago, which is why Anthem has recently bought most of Impact Wrestling anyway? So what the hell money are you talking about?
Dixie: Uh….(*phone hangs up*)
Mike’s Daughter: I never thought that I’d quote you dad but: “Fascinating”!
Mike Check: But why did you scare her off darlin’? That pretty southern filly could have saved our show?
Mike’s Daughter: Well, you see dad…(*laughs hysterically*) Dixie saving OUR show??? (*continues to laugh hysterically*)
Mike Check: I don’t understand that particular reference there, but this must be like the song “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” by Joan Baez, here on…THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter: I know this might be controversial but I’m gonna pull out the Seancetrolla to get the help of a famous friend of Wrestlecrap Radio who might be able to chase away that creep Zombie Nathaniel.
Dixie Carter: Who might that be sugah?
Mike’s Daughter: Oh my God! Why are you still here Dixie?!
Zombie Nathaniel: Show some respect–BRAINS! That is the owner of TNA: Total Non Stop Action Wrestling, Dixie Carter, that you’re talking to–BRAINS!
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, whatever (*sarcastic cough*). Ah, but as I was saying, I will now summon…”Rowdy” Roddy Piper!
Piper (Piper’s ghost appears wearing sunglasses and holding a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of Bubble Gum.
Mike Check: Great Mr. Roddy Rowdy. Could you help us get rid of this monster feller?
Zombie Nathaniel: Boy oh boy, I’m your biggest fan Mr. Piper–BRAINS! I loved that shoot promo you cut on Vince Russo back in 2002–BRAINS!! (*looks at Piper’s shotgun*) But speaking of “shoot, “you won’t shoot me will ya, huh–BRAINS!?
Piper: (*Looks over to Nathaniel*) You know, you look like you fell on a cheese dip in 1957, but…you’re okay. (*Turns his attention to Dixie*) But YOU, when I put these glasses on; Formaldehyde face!
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah!…Huh, what?
Dixie: Oh my, sugah? How rude?!…
Piper: You know what you need!? You need a Brazilian plastic surgeon! (*Goes to shoot Dixie but she runs away as Piper runs after her outside. He fails to catch her as he is stalled by various cars on the street trying to run him over.*) IDIOTS IN CARS!!! (*starts shooting at them*) Ha Ha! Never throw stones at a man with a machine gun! (*keeps on shooting*)
Mike’s Daughter (*while looking out the door*): Dixie? Idiots in cars? What the hell? (*sigh*) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised?
Ole Mike’s dedicating today’s song to the late “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. This is the opening theme of the film he starred in called “They Live”, where he taught us the value of wearing your sunglasses to see Space Aliens. And I’m gonna put on my pair of shades now in his honor. And anyway, since it’s almost Halloween, Piper also taught us the value of saying…
(*knock on the door*)
Mike Check: Wait fellers (*opens front door*) Hello…
Trick or Treaters (x2): Trick or Treat!
Mike Check: Are you kids supposed to be dressed like spooky lookin’ Space Aliens?
Trick or Treater 1: No…?
Trick or Treater 2: Hey wait? Those sunglasses? He knows…?
Mike Check: I know what there?
Trick or Treater 1: Hand over all of your candy and we won’t kill you, old man!
Mike Check: Okay there you spoiled brat kids. I don’t understand the manners of the kids these days, acting like evil Space Aliens and all? In my day we used to say “please and thank ya”.
Trick or Treater 2: Whatever.
(*Mike hands over only one piece of candy to each of them*)
Trick or Treater 1: Is that it? You cheap old fart?!
Mike Check: Yes. I’m all outta bubblegum, if you know what I mean? (*pulls out his shot gun*)
Trick or Treater 2: Let’s get out of here! (*Both Trick or Treaters run away*).
Mike Check: And don’t come back now, you hear!…(*as both Trick or Treaters run onto the road and around the corner Mike shouts to them*) And watch out for those ‘Idiots in cars’…(*hears several cars smash in the distance*) …Fascinating.
Mike Check: Well my lawyers were a little upset that the Denis Leary song from yesterday wasn’t in fact censored, becuase this is a family show after all. And my daughter tells me, who is one hell of a whiz-kid let me tell you, has even censored your language since you’ve been on here this month.
Angry Jim: What the **** **** do you **** mean?! Go **** yourself!
Mike Check: Yep, she’s definitely a whiz-kid alright. So Jim, do you know something more appropriate for The Mike Check Show there?
Angry Jim: I know a song that was once covered by a rassler called “Rowdy” Roddy Piper!
Mike Check: Good Jim. That sounds better already and I seem to remember that I once played “For Everybody” by him a couple of years ago here on The Mike Check Show.
Angry Jim: Well Mike, you can shove your censorship up your *** with this:
Mike Check: Oh no, my lawyers are not going to like this one bit 😦