Mike’s daughter: Aaaghh! This Jingle with Jillian album is far worse than that Ninja Turtle CD that we were forced to play last Christmas!
Mike Check: Don’t worry there darlin’, there’s only 2 songs left.
Mike’s daughter: I don’t know if I can take this anymore?! You know that Jillian Hall’s high pitched squeals have seemed to attracted all the neighborhood dogs to our house and there’s a load of dog crap all over our front yard!
Mike Check: (*hears dogs howling outside*) Well, it seems that we have some new fans there darlin? This reminds me of the time…did I ever tell you about the time I worked at over in the Portland, Oregon market at KNYN: THE CANINE! I didn’t go under my real name of Mike Check, I was “The Great” Jack Lassie, my partner was Spike Collie, we were the “The Great Collie Show”—
Mike’s daughter: No one wants to hear about your damn Great Collie Show! Just like no one wants to hear this damn CD!
Mike Check: But darlin’, the Great Collie…I mean Khali…might come over here to choke-slam me again?
Mike’s daughter: I don’t care!
Mike Check: You don’t care?! It seems that I have raised a darn whinin’ litle brat! Now go to your room there darlin’!
Mike’s daughter: Wait, what did you say?!
Mike Check: You heard me! This whole thing was to teach ole Mike about tolerance and respect, but it seems that one here that has no tolerance and respect is my own precious petunia!
Mike’s daughter: Dad? I’ve never…ever seen you act this angry or even…”fatherly”??? But you can’t be possessed, since STAN is in prison—
Mike Check: Look! I’ve had enough of your constant whining all year about what songs we play here! So get upstairs so I can play “Rocking Around The Christmas Tree” by Jillian Hall in peace! Or you won’t be “Rocking Around The Christmas Tree” this Christmas!
Mike’s daughter: Ah…okay? (*backs away to her room all confused*)
(*knock at the door*)
Mike’s Daughter: Coming! (*opens door but sees no one there*) Hello? Is anyone there? (*looks down and sees a CD shaped package*) What’s this? (*picks it up*)
Mike Check: Who was it there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: I don’t know? But it definitely wasn’t The Honky Tonk Mailman because this package was actually sent “this year”. But perhaps we have received an early Christmas present…oh no! Those dweebs over at wrestlecrapradio.com haven’t sent another Ninja turtle CD? They couldn’t have possibly have found another damn copy!?
Mike Check: Weell, why don’t you open it and find out there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: (*looks at stamp on package*) Well it’s not from them because it’s been sent from Punjab, India, so…oh no…(*opens package and sees a written letter*) Oh, there’s a letter in here written in a foreign language. This couldn’t be from…?
Mike Check: Why don’t you use that computer thingamabob of yours to translate it?
Mike’s Daughter: Okay…so it translates to: “Hello Mr. Mike Check, this is The Great Khali. I’m sending this CD all the way from my home in India for you to play”—
Mike Check: Oh, yes that Great Collar did warn us by email that he was going to send us a CD to play for “Christmas Carousal”. So what is it?
Mike’s Daughter: He says that it’s ‘by an old friend that he used to work in WWE with’…
Mike Check: Is it a song by that Taj Mahal feller?
Mike’s Daughter: Dad! Please stop it because he might be listening. And his name is Jinder Mahal by the way…Anyway it’s not him; Khali, not “Collar”, says that it contains Christmas songs sung by…Oh God no!
Mike Check: Who is it?
Mike’s Daughter (pulls out the CD from the wrapping*):
“Jillian Hall”?! Dad, Khali has sent “Jingle with Jillian” for us to play!? No. No. NO! And I thought that the Ninja Turtle CD from last year was torture!
Mike Check: What else does it say?
Mike’s Daughter Ah? “You must play this as a lesson in teaching you tolerance and respect. So ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’. From, The Great Khali”…God! Is he trying to teach you a lesson or me?!
Mike Check: Weell it can’t be that bad there darlin’? Just put it in and play it.
Mike’s Daughter (*had her ears covers while the song played and now uncovers them): Is it finished? So what did you think?
Mike Check: That was…Fascinating.
Mike’s Daughter: AUGH! I can’t believe those trolls at wrestlecrapradio.com! First they accuse me of stealing their money, which I might I don’t know. At times things get so blurry down at the club after drinking my ass off without no customers! Then they send us that horrid Ninja Turtles CD which had to be destroyed! Oh god the music is still the fuel that haunts my nightmares as of late! Then I go and save us from Dad betting my soul against STAN and that dweeb RVM Kai keeps saying that he wants credit for doing what I did! Can you believe that guy?!?
Now Dad’s back in jail again, on Fathers’ Day no less, and I’m betting they wrote some fake legal crap in spite for me…Or Alberto El Patron, destroying their precious CD again! I can’t take this anymore! I can’t do the same thing as I did before so I’m going to call them to get a straight answer once and for all!
*Gets her cellphone to call the wrestlecrapradio.com Headquarters*
Mike’s Daughter: Yeah I want to talk to one of the idiots that was running “The Mike Check Show” Now! Either that whiner RVM Kai, that little bitch Raging_Demons, that pussy of a boss Premier Blah, or hell maybe even your boyfriend that I slept with last night! I want a person to speak to right NOW!
Operator: You must be one of The Midnight Rose’s girlfriends. Transferring you now.
Mike’s Daughter: What the?!? I’ve been placed on hold! Fine whatever!
Mike’s Daughter: Well I’m the queen of an alternate dimension, like I should be, so let me check the–Oh for crying out loud! I’m still on hold! Am I going to be on hold for the entire damn day?!?!
STAN: So not even me or God knows what your name is, Mike’s Daughter, but what I do know is that this wildcard song of yours will fail just like the other 13 you and your dear ole dad have picked. Yes, some were good, others were weak, but it’s inevitable that you are going to be “looooosers”. So stop stalling and just give me your souls now already. There’s no song known to man that can troll me!
Mike’s Daughter: You’re gonna love…or should I say hate this one STAN. Each year in May one of the guys from…yes, I have to even give him credit…wrestlecrapradio.com’s R.V.M Kai, sends us some songs from the Eurovision Song Contest. Not that I want to give out spoilers of what we are going to play or anything but there was a Heavy Metal band, of all things, from Finland that entered in 2006 and shocked everyone by winning with a song called “Hard Rock Hallelujah”…which we will hopefully play next month after we WIN this son…
STAN: Just get to the point! Now you’re rambling like your dad.
Mike’s Daughter: Sorry. My point is ‘Lordi’…
STAN: Stop! Lordi? Are you kidding me? But Scandinavian Heavy Metal bands all worship me! Haven’t you heard the pure evilness of the likes of “Mayhem”, a Black Metal band who like to burn down churches in their spare time? Oh Dammit, that’s who I could have played yesterday?!
Mike’s Daughter: Well it’s too late for that because today’s pick is appropriately titled; “Devil Is A Loser”.
Mike Check: Now that’s sounds like a winner right there here on…”6 Years Of Whackin’!”
STAN: Aggghhhh! They’re right! I am a loser, boo hoo hoo! Okay, you win! That song was no “Highway to Hell” but it did “troll” me good! Who would of thought that a Scandinavian Heavy Metal band who wear demonic costumes could troll me with a song like that?! Okay so your souls, along with “The Mike Check Show”, is yours…but not before I burn down your house!
Mike Check: NOOOOOOOOO!
STAN: Just kidding. Ha Ha, you should have seen your face. But in the words of Stewart Patrick: “I’m leaving now”…
Mike’s Daughter: Hey! Not so fast. You almost forgot about your promise to grant us one wish, remember?
STAN: Oh, very well. What is it?
Mike Daughter: Well hmmm, I don’t know? We still have some financial problems and then there’s the matter of my dad still being under house arrest, so…
Mike Check: Could you get us a copy of that Turtle Ninja Christmas CD that my daughter smashed with a hammer back in December? I think that was the only CD of it’s kind in existence and some feller call Premier Blake needs another copy.
Mike’s Daughter: No! Actually, we don’t need to worry about that anym…
STAN (*quickly interrupts*): Too Late. (*magically makes CD appear in Mike’s hands*) See ya later…oh and worship the devil. Bwhahahaha! (*disappears in a ball of flames*)
Mike’s Daughter: DAD!!! We could have been rich if you just shut…
(*Mike’s Daughter is distracted as their front door is kicked open by current TNA wrestler; Alberto El Patron.*)
Alberto El Patron (*grabs the CD from Mike’s hands*): I kill you Ninja Turtle for touching my wife, perro! (*throws the CD on the ground and shouts “Sí” each time he crushes it with his foot.)
Paige (*enters the house and nervously tries to pull Alberto away*) Alberto, stop it. It’s just a CD. You’re drunk again.
Alberto El Patron (*calms down*): Sí honey, I must have been possess by el Diabolo or sometheeng? Eh…sorry about that amigos. (*he and Paige walk out*)
Mike Check (*dumbfounded*): Fascinating?
Mike’s Daughter: But what the f…?! (*shouts at the ground and shakes her fist*) Stan! You just couldn’t resist one last prank could you! (*sigh*)…Well whatever. At least everything’s finally back to normal.
STAN: You know what Mike. I change my mind. I won’t take your soul after all and you can your show back free of charge. Oh, and here’s a million dollars.
Mike Check: Why thank ya there fell…
STAN: Ha Ha Ha. Sucker! I lied! But seriously, I have a confession to make: Not only did I possess Premier Blah into sending you his awful Ninja Turtle Christmas CD to play, I then pulled another prank by making Mick Foley play a Ringo Starr song to piss you off. Damn, that was funny when you broke your own window this time by throwing his box of CD’s at it. Oh oh and then…oh this was so funny…I possessed you to say lewd things about Suzie Shuffle, which then lead to making Premier Blah and Raging_Demons uncharacteristically snap and threaten to cancel your show if you didn’t pay what you owed him. Also I possessed Raging_Demons during 3/16 Day to provide a distraction on social media while I convinced you to take my help and not only that, I possessed Sir Alex Heineken to troll your daughter into going all the way to England for something so disgusting that not even a filthy whore like her would accept money for, even for the large amount that would have saved your show. But with her out of the way, it gave me the opportunity in taking advantage of your gullibility, Mike, by disguising myself as Sam O’Hellyeah: The hero that would eventually save the day…and then possess it from right under your noses.
Mike’s Daughter: Dammit, you creep! Now that I think of it, I should have known that the “demon” that ‘Broken’ Matt Hardy mentioned was actually you! So what else? Did you cause Dixie Carter to hang up on us so even Panda Energy couldn’t invest?
STAN: No. I had nothing to do with that, if anything, you dodged a bullet with that one…but anyway, no matter how this game is played, by the end of the month, it’s “Check Mate” for you both and your souls will be mine! Bahahhahaha!
Mike Check: Why would you do such a darn rotten thing there feller?
STAN: Why? Because I’m STAN The Evil Troll Lord, remember. That’s what I do. And I look forward in using your show to troll the world with my evil music and spread my “alternate truths” in ways that would make Kellyanne Conway jealous of me. But speaking of that, can you play “Liar” by Henry Rollins. Please and thank ya.
Mike Check: I shouldn’t. But I have to say; you might be a ruthless liar, cheat and thief…but at least you can be polite there feller.
Mike’s Daughter: (*sigh*)
Mike Check: Usually at this time I would announce our “6 Years Of Whackin'” anniversary special for tomorrow but I’m not sure if Premier Blake is going to keep ole Mike on…
Mike Check: Hello. KMCR?
Premier Blah: This is Premier Blah of Wrestlecrapradio.com and I just wanted to inform you that your time is up and…
Mike’s Daughter: Excuse me. There’s another caller on the line, I’ll put you all on conference and on speaker.
Sam O’Hellyeah: Hello Premier Blah, I knew you’d call. This is Sam O’Hellyeah here and my business partner Mike Check and I have the funds to pay back your debts and purchase complete ownership of THE MIKE CHECK SHOW?
Premier Blah: You’re who?
Sam O’Hellyeah: Sam O’Hellyeah. So do we have a deal?
Premier Blah: Okay. I would have been happier if my Ninja Turtle CD was returned, but very well. Perhaps I could use the money to buy another copy…(*checks on eBay on the Internet on his phone*)…or maybe not?
Sam O’Hellyeah: Returned? Oh didn’t you know. Mike’s Daughter destroyed it with a sledgehammer. That’s why they never actually could return it? Oh, didn’t they tell you?
Premier Blah: What?! But, that was my favorite CD?!
Sam O’Hellyeah: Goodbye. (*switches off PB’s call*) Bwwwohohaaaa! What a maroon.
Mike Check: Thanks there feller. For that huge favor, ole Mike will give you anything.
Sam O’Hellyeah: Anything? Why don’t I appear on your “6 Years Of Whackin'” anniversary special tomorrow and co-host it with you?
Mike’s Daughter: Are you sure that we can trust him? I don’t think this is a good idea since we don’t even know who this “Sam O’Hellyeah” even is?
Mike Check: Hush darlin. (*To “SAM”*) Sure there feller. You’re “The Secret Of My Success” here on…THE MACKER!
Mike Check: KMCR. Mike Check speaking?
R.V.M Kai: What’s going on Mike? About a year ago I almost closed this show down because of your idiocy, and then you had to…? Look, I’m just calling to tell you that I have tried to convince my colleagues Premier Blah and Raging_Demons into letting your show back on the air because something tells me that you may not be guilty this time. I have reviewed yesterday’s audio that offended Suzie Shuffle and I don’t even don’t know what to think of it? I mean, you’re not the most politically correct guy in the world, but acting like a complete “troll” is not like you? It doesn’t make sense that you could speak in a demonic voice and then tell your listeners to worship Satan? “What’s Up” with that?
Mike Check: I don’t either know there feller? Ole Mike was possessed, let me tell you.
R.V.M Kai: Yeah, whatever? Oh, and I just wanted to tell you to not to worry about looking for that Ninja Turtles CD anymore. I’ve just been informed that, although we’re still letting you have the show for now, you will have to pay back what you embezzled from Premier Blah by the end of the month or he wants 100% of the shares in The Mike Check Show. See ya. (*hangs up phone*)
Mike’s Daughter (*walks into room*): What’s Up Dad?
Mike Check: That feller from Down under says that they want us to pay up in full or Premier Blake will take over KMCR by the end of March. What are we gonna do?
Mike’s Daughter: (*sigh*) Crap! Looks like that I have to work double the poles at work now?
Mike Check: It’s good what you do for the Polish after what they have been through.
Mike’s Daughter: Uh? Yeah? Those poles?