Mike Check’s Daughter: ARGH!!!
Mike Check: What’s up darlin’?
Mike Check’s Daughter: Ever since Mick Foley’s “This Is Your Life” show there has been all these awful things that happened. The death of my brother Sheriff Dickwell by a C-4 Ring Explosion, your heart attack…dad, are you OK by the way?
Mike Check: For the hundredth time I’m fine!
Mike Check’s Daughter: God Dad don’t get cranky on me! Then there’s that whomever it was that tried to shoot you. Oh and then there are those nerds Raging_Demons and R.V.M Kai calling us basically threatening us to behave or else. Which I don’t respond too well Dad. I feel all this–this–
Mike Check: Pressure?
Mike Check’s Daughter: There you go, Pressure!
Mike Check: Let me give you some advice darlin’ Back when I was working in the Seattle Market I worked for a radio station called KACL where I did a radio talk show and I gave out helpful advice. I was Frasier Mahoney and I had a partner named David Crane and together our talk show was called “The Frasier Crane Show”. Now darlin’, if I still had my show I would tell you to go somewhere and relax and get all that stress out. In fact I got an idea. Here’s a little personal request from me to you, my whiz-kid of a daughter. It’s “Pressure” by Billy Joel here on…THE MACKER!
Mike Check’s Daughter: Thanks Dad! I think I’ll go to work and find a guy and hoping I can release the “pressure” that he has. Hopefully its all over my face, neck, and chest.
Mike Check: You were always a messy eater darlin’
*Knock on the door*
Mike Check (*opens door*): Why hello there you pretty filly…what can ole Mike do for you?
“Unknown Woman”: I finally tracked you down. So I just wanted to…(*pulls out a pistol*)
Mike Check: Hey! Why are you pointing that pistol at me there!?
“Unknown Woman”: What? You don’t remember me? You never paid me a dime in alimony, and now you kill my son Harry Dickwell you bastard!
Mike Check: Look there. Any deaths that have occurred around here have all been freak accidents, let me tell you. and I’m very…very…very…very…sorr–
“Unknown Woman”/Dickwell’s Mother: Shut Up! Now I’m gonna shoot you myself, just like I did to that that blonde that you cheated on me with in the 70’s!
Mike Check: Look there you crazy filly. Ole Mike has had to constantly change his name to get away from you. And my memory might not be what it used to be, but I seem to remember we were just a one night fling, so I did not in fact ch–
Dickwell’s Mother: Aghh! Why didn’t you love me Mike?! I would’ve loved you to death, (*about to pull trigger*) which is wh–
RoboCop (*Shows up behind her and interrupts*): DROP THE GUN. DEAD OR ALIVE YOUR COMING WITH ME.
Dickwell’s Mother (*turns around and takes Mike Check hostage*): Damn Robocop! Hey, my son would have taken you out if it wasn’t for this fool Mike Check taking him out first. I despise you stupid robots taking our police jobs all because you go strictly by the rules! Now I’m gonna shoot you!
RoboCop: YOUR MOVE CR-CR-CR-EEP (*Robocop goes a little hay-wire*).
Dickwell’s Mother: (*laughs maniacally*) Yes, it is my move because you know full well that you can’t just shoot me while I’m holding a hostage. You’re a robot. You’re programmed to go by the rules.
RoboCop: (*manages to retain his composure*) MA’AM, (*takes off helmet and puts on a pair of sunglasses*) SOMETIMES THE RULES…CHANGE.
(*Robocop shoots her in the knee-caps, then shoots the gun out of her hand and then handcuffs her*)
Robocop: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF A POLICE OFFICER. THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF MIKE CHECK AND–
Mike Check (*interrupts*): Sorry to interrupt but that was some nice shootin’. What’s your name there feller?
RoboCop: IRWIN…Robo C.S Irwin
Mike Check: Fellers, apparently Rick Foley sent my daughter a message on her Tweeter that “Yurple The Clown” filly has been feeling very…very…very…very sad that she caused ole Mike to have a heart attack last month. Although I’m fine physically, I’m still terrified by her presence, so she’s still banned from KMCR. But since I’m still a good man and also promised those fellers Raggy David and R.P.M Khan to behave, ole Mike will still do the honor in playing a song dedicated to you; YURPLE! It’s “Tears Of A Clown” by Smokey Robinson And The Miracles here on…THE MACKER!
Mike Check: …Speaking of being sad, ole Mike’s quite upset that one of my sons is no longer with us.
Mike’s Daughter: Dad. If it wasn’t for Mick’s help, he would have shot you…but let’s never speak of “Harry Dickwell” ever again or else we might get into trouble from “the bosses” again.
Mike Check: Who’s “Henry Ditchwell”?
Mike’s Daughter: Good.
Mike Check: No really, who are you talking about there?
Mike’s Daughter: You…(*sigh*) I mean, no-one dad. Weren’t we just talking about a clown?
Mike Check: Ah yes darlin’…You’re right, let’s never speak of her again!
Mike Check: Well fellers. I apologize for the comments that I made yesterday which seemed to have caused us to be momentarily pulled off the air. Ole Mike’s had a little too much Moonshine…(*phone rings and Mike answers*) Hello, KMCR?
R.V.M Kai: Mike, You’re lucky that I’m giving you another chance!
Mike Check: I’m not sure what you’re saying? You need to speak English feller?
R.V.M Kai: I am speaking English!
Mike’s Daughter: (*overhears*) Oh crap, not the Australian Wrestlecrapradio.com guy now!? (*puts the phone on speaker*) Look, my dad just apologized like you demanded. So what do you want?
R.V.M Kai: What do I want? You’re lucky that you’re even allowed back on the air after “I” talked Suzie Shuffle out of suing us all, that’s what! And you were already on thin ice for what happened that idiot Sheriff! Why you geniuses thought that an exploding wrestling ring was a good idea is beyond me?! And then I’ve got Angry Jim, who’s now pissed at ME for some reason, for Foley booking him on your show and not being paid for his sauce or whatever??? But that’s the crap that I have to deal with, just like last year when you almost caused me a heart attack…sorry, no pun intended…by kidnapping Jim without my knowledge. So poor Raging_Demons had to impersonate Jim, while I fed him lines through an ear piece, just so Premier Blah wouldn’t send Zombie nerds on us. Not that it mattered to me as much because Zombies can’t swim across the Pacific Ocean, I don’t think? But…
Mike Check: Ole Mike’s having a little trouble understanding your accent, but where are you from feller? Hawaii? Did I ever tell…
R.V.M Kai: What? (*sigh*) No. Look, the main reason I let this show continue was the fact that Demons told me that RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton liked the THIS IS YOUR LIFE stuff on Facebook with RD saying that it, quote: “plays well in this market”, unquote. As far as I’m concerned Mike, you’re stupid boring old fart and I’m sick of fixing the “dumb things” that you and your daughter keep screwing up! But…deep down, unlike some people on Twitter, I don’t hate you. But what I do hate is the fact that I, along with Raging_Demons, was assigned by Premier Blah to be your show’s programme director and while we do all the work hard work, it’s your daughter that takes all the credit. Why? Because the one thing she’s good at is kissing your arse! And I’d like to think that this show would be better after your death Mike, but then there’s the fact that’s it’s gonna be taken over by your idiotic daughter, who’s so shifty that she can’t even be referred to by an actual name for some reason?! And to think, with all the money you’ve made you should be a millionaire but you’re not, you’re broke? You wanna know why Mike? It’s bec__se y…
Mike’s Daughter: Kai. Sorry, you’re breaking up?
Mike Check: Who was that feller? Paul Hogan? I wish the phone didn’t cut out because I think that nice feller was about to invite us to have a shrimp on the barbie? Oh well.
Mike Check: KMCR Radio.
???: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE MIKE?!?
Mike Check: I don’t know what you mean.
Mike Check’s Daughter: I got it dad. Hello?
???: Oh god not you! Put me on speaker. NOW!
Mike Check’s Daughter (after she puts the phone on Speaker Mode): Raging Demons you mother-Why are you calling us?!?
Raging_Demons: Why am I calling you? Oh gee I don’t know like…Reports from the Police about exploding C-4 wrestling rings at your home and why is there a report about that lunatic Sheriff Dickwell at your house?!?
Mike Check: Well-you see Raggy David it was from that feller Rick Foley and he brought him here to the home.
Raging_Demons: Rick Foley?
Mike Check’s Daughter: Dad means Mick Foley. Mick came to the home and did this whole “This Is Your Life” show for my dad because he felt guilty for–
Raging_Demons: Ok enough! Dealing with you two has been the most painful and excruciating thing in my life. “Go Find Mike Check! Make him write a column!” he said after threatening me with a damn zombie nerd! I knew this was going to be a bad idea when that damn daughter of yours Mike kidnapped me after dealing with the WWE Locker Room and torturing me.
Mike Check’s Daughter: You lying piece of-
Raging_Demons: Stop right there! The cops caught you in the act and you better thank that ungrateful ass of yours for me clearing the charges and getting your dad to serve the rest of his time under House Arrest! Do I get a thank you? NO! Last year you kidnapped Angry Jim Ross of all people! Do you know the trouble you caused by kidnapping him?!? I had to impersonate Angry Jim thanks to you! I had to cover everything he usually does. His damn BBQ business, the podcasts, I had to do a personal appearance at one of Mick Foley’s damn comedy shows and I nearly got in trouble from WWE due to you two! Luckily I had Bob Caudle to handle Jim’s Twitter account. At least Bob Caudle can do something unlike Hollywood John Tatum and you two!
Mike Check: Listen here part-
Raging_Demons: OH NO! Look. Its my life that I have to take care and keep an eye on you two and don’t even get me going on what you two did to Angry Jim this year. R.V.M Kai’s trying to deal with that now and let me tell you he’s about as pissed as I am.
Mike Check’s Daughter: But we didn’t do anything to Jim this year? Foley was responsible f-
Raging_Demons: The point is from now on I’m keeping a closer eye on the both of you and I SWEAR TO GOD if you two screw up like this there will be consequences for your actions!
Mike Check: That went well.
Foley: Well since I’ve had to cancel the past weeks guests due to Sheriff Dickwell literally crashing our party and Ringo being out cold, I don’t have a guest planned Mike. So the chair next to me will be empty tonight…
Mike Check: That’s okay feller, I was hoping not to meet any more of your disastrous guests anyway.
Foley: Well that’s not exactly true because did a little tweeking to the line-up and what I would like to do right now is kick back, relax and interview one of the wildest men that the world of wrestling has ever known. So all the way from Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, say hello toooooo…”Cactus Jack”!
(*Foley transforms into his “Cactus Jack” alter ego and transforms back-and-forth throughout the interview*)
Mike Check: Where is he there feller?
Cactus Jack: I’m here. So you think this is some sort of joke Mick? Just like you thought that it was funny those times when you broke Mike’s windows in your youth?
Foley: Well ah…
Cactus Jack: Shut your mouth! You think Mike doesn’t realize that we both talk with the same mouth, walk with the same legs, and breathe with the same lungs? Yet there are distinct differences between the two of us Mick because you have no heart, no guts and no spine.
Foley: Hey, hold on hot shot. You’re talking to the man who lost an ear in a match against Vader in Germany.
Cactus Jack: No Mick! Are you suffering from “amnesia”? I’m the one that had that ear ripped right off. You’re the one who limps around the conventions, telling jokes and getting fat eating at Croce’s, you gluttonous son of a bitch! I’m sick and tired of you living off the reputation that my body wrote!
Foley: Wait, hold on…
Cactus Jack: Hey! I’m calling the shots around here! So this past week, you had a madman here with a 44 Magnum and a big-nosed Englishman threatening ole Mike here, and you know what you did? YOU DID NOTHING MICK! I wouldn’t have pointed the Sheriff toward that C-4, I would have surrounded it with barb-wire and DDT’d him right into it! I wouldn’t have waited for some “mark” to do a run-in, I would’ve blasted Gonzo with a barb-wire baseball bat! Oh sure, you got lucky by being the funny man, but the fact is; you lost the heart, the drive and the guts years ago!
Foley: But, that wasn’t my…
Cactus Jack: I said shut your mouth! (*starts punching himself in the forehead*) Shut it! Shut! Agh! Duh!
Mike Check: Whoa feller, calm down there. Words can’t explain what ole Mike’s witnessing now. Oh, I have one word…Fascinating.
Mick Foley: (*turns back into Foley permanently*) Sorry Mike. I guess I need to take more care when letting my split personalities out. Well seeing that “Mr. Bang Bang” didn’t work out so well, how about ole Mickey make it up to you with a little “Mr. Kiss Kiss” then (*jokingly puckers his lips at Mike*)?
Mike Check: No.
Foley: Well it seems that Mike Check’s son, Harry Dickwell is no longer with us after that C-4 explosion…
…(*record scratch sound effect*) so I guess that mess is over?
Ringo: Not so fast. Whilst I didn’t agree with the revenge tactics attempted by that mad copper Harry Dickwell. Where I come from, England, the use of guns are frowned upon. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still detest Mike Check and still have a score to settle with that old geezer. So right here and now, why don’t we let’s settle this the old fashioned way…Mano-e-mano.
Foley: What? So you’re going to fist fight an old man?
Mike Check: Don’t worry there Rick. Did I ever tell you about the time ole Mike was a Golden Gloves boxer back in the 40’s. My ring-name was “Iron” Mike Check, but I think another boxer later stole my nickname…but anyway, if it’s a fight this feller wants then it’s a fight he gets!
Foley: Ah but before that, I think it might be a good idea if we clear away those C-4 bombs and barbed-wire from that wrestling ring that I set up?
Ringo: Oh yes, very well.
(*several minutes later*)
Ringo: Now that’s done, stop your stalling and put up your dukes Mike…
Iron “Mark” Tyson: Heyyy, er, I was just looking through the window and sensed some egregious tension in the room.
Ringo: What now!? And who the heck are you?
Iron “Mark” Tyson: My name is Iron “Mark” Tyson and I was just in the neighborhood because I was curious to see The That’s Your Life Show because Check Mike’s THE MAN! So are you guys playing wrestling today? If you are, can I be The Rock? He’s a magnificent wrestler and movie star.
Foley: (*laughing and not taking Mark seriously*) Yeah sure, we can be the “Rock n’ Sock Connection” and that big-nosed guy wants to be Triple H.
Ringo: So now this pathetic Mike Tyson impersonator wants to play fight with me? I think I can beat him also?
Iron “Mark” Tyson (*to Ringo*): That’s ludicrous! And it’s preposterous that you want to be Triple H when he was defeated by The Rock’s cousin Roman Regins, who like The Rock, was cheered by everybody at “Wrestlemania Star”. And another thing; my name’s not Mike, it’s Mark you Jabroni!
Ringo: What in the heck is a Jabr…?
(*Mark Tyson knocks out Ringo with the Rock Bottom and Foley counts the pinfall*).
Iron “Mark” Tyson: I won, I won in 6 seconds! Just like how The Rock beat Erick Rowan at Wrestlemania! If ya smeeeeeellllll what “The Mark” is cooking!
Mike Check: Why thank ya there feller. But I don’t smell anything?
Iron “Mark” Tyson: That’s okay M…oh no! I better find John Cena before The Wyatt Family beats me up. (Mark Tyson runs out the door*)
Foley: (*sigh*) What a “MARK”?