Well fellers! On the bright side of last month’s “9 Year of Whackin”‘ karate training, ole Mike Check has finally conquered his fears. That’s right, my fear of “fire” is finally gone! So to celebrate, here’s “Fire In The Hole” by Lääz Rockit, here on…THE MACKER!
Dammit! I think I havin’ a panic attack now fellers?!
Mike Check: Halloween Hootenanny continues here on KMCR there fellers! And here’s…(*starts talking in a demonic voice*) FIRE!!!
Mike Check (*voice back to normal*): Aghhh! Fire!!! This song scared the hell out of ole Mike! Who possessed me to play this Arthur Brown song?
Mike’s Daughter: Don’t look at me? But…(*phone rings and she picks up phone*)…Hello KMCR, Mike’s Daughter speaking?
STAN “The Evil Troll Lord”: This is the new “God Of Hell Fire”; STAN—
Mike’s Daughter: Oh no! Not you?! But…but you melted like the ‘wicked witch of the west’ back on Mars?!
STAN: Yes, but you do know that I’m an immortal being and have just spent the last 5 months regenerating.
Mike’s Daughter: Look STAN! Just stay away from us! You’ve given my dad and I so much trouble for the last couple of years! And you had to troll my dad again today with that “Fire” song!
STAN: Yes, but I heard you talk that “fake news” about me yesterday so I wanted to rib you guys for old time sake. I’m not really a bad guy, you know?
Mike’s Daughter: Not a “Bad guy”?! Back in April, you attempted to enslave the Martians to take over the Earth and…and…you kidnapped me to remove my two…(*cough*)…”enhancements”…so you could eat them?!?! I mean, WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!?!
STAN: Yes, sorry about that, I was just going through a strange hunger phase…well, I was locked up in the ‘Phantom Zone’ for 6 months, you know?
Mike’s Daughter: Hunger phase?! Well have a Snickers and go fu—
STAN: Hey! Ever since I’ve been trolling your dad, my life has been heaven, you know?! And by “heaven”, that means “hell” to you mortals! I mean…I lost my dear son Damien (*starts to sob*)
Mike’s Daughter: That’s not our damn fault!
STAN: I realize that now. That’s why I’m going to leave ‘The Mike Check Show’ alone and go back to what I do best, possessing wrestling personalities on social networking sites. Tammy…I mean “Tam” Sytch, and Superstar Billy Graham need my ‘fire and fury’.
Mike’s Daughter: Good. Whatever.
STAN: Well…this is awkward…soooo…oh, and worship the—
Mike’s Daughter (*hangs up phone before STAN finishes his sentence): Can you believe that crap, Dad?…Dad?…Where are you?
Mike Check (*cowering in the corner*): Is the fire over yet darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: *sigh* Yes dad.
Mike Check: So do we have another song from the TV progrem GLOW darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: Dad, where you asleep yesterday? Raging_Demons phoned to inform us that the “Warped Tour” is doing its last ever tour after 23 years and—
Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there darlin’? What’s this ‘Warp Speed Tour’?
Mike’s Daughter: Dad, I said “Warped Tour” and it was an annual rock festival—
Mike Check: You mean like Woodstock? Oh no, they can’t stop this like they did Woodstock?!
Mike’s Daughter: Uh, okay? So now we’re playing songs from the bands that played at Warped Tour for the rest of the month to celebrate it.
Mike Check: Weeell, I was looking forward to playing more rap music from those pretty wrestling fillies?
Mike’s Daughter: No, anything but those damn GLOW raps…but anyway, here’s “Fire Down Below”.
Mike Check: Fire?! Where?!
Mike’s Daughter *sigh*: No. It’s an Alkaline Trio song!
Mike Check: Oh. You almost scared ole Mike for a minute there darlin’?
(*knock at the door*)
Mike Check (*opens front door*): Who are you there feller?
Iron Mark Tyson: Mike, don’t you remember me? This is Iron Mark Tyson and, ah, I was listening to your show, as I do everyday. And today I’m here to help you because I’m outlandishly depressed over the egregious tension that this Damien kid has caused you.
Mike Check: Well that’s swell there feller–
Damien: Silence Mike! (*to Mark Tyson*) So what are you going to do? “Punch Out” a little kid in public?
Iron Mark Tyson: No. That’s ludicrous! I’m not sure about the rumors that you’ve heard about me but I’m not a violent person. But I have brought an army of my trained pigeons to attack you (*Throws bird seed at Damien and then summons a flock of his pigeons with a whistle*) Attack!
(*The pigeons swarm toward Damien…but they immediately fly away*)
Iron Mark Tyson: Heyy?! Come Back!
Damien: Really? Pigeons? You wanted to attack me with pigeons? They’re the most cowardly species of bird out there? At least Sting had that ugly bird that scared Eric Bischoff that time in TNA.
Iron Mark Tyson: Oh no! You’re right~ I should have brought that big scary bird to attack you! What was I thinking?
Damien: What are y…??? I was being facetious! (*sigh*) What a “mark”!
Mike’s Daughter: Mark, you’re not helping, so I suggest you get out of here before Damien attacks you in some way.
Damien: Yeah. Do what the vile woman says Mike. Before I summon WWE Superstar Kane by making you say “that date”.
Iron Mark Tyson: What “date”? You mean “May 19”?
(*Kane appears and starts running towards Mark Tyson with a meat hook causing Mark to race down the street like hell*)
Kane: DON’T SAY THAT DATE!!! (*chases Mark Tyson but stops in front of Mike and his daughter and his angry expression turns into a smile*): Oh, don’t forget, make sure to tell your listeners in Knox County, Tennessee to vote for Glen Jacobs, a kinder and gentler candidate for Mayor in 2018 (*gives the thumbs up but his smile immediately turns back into anger as he continues to chase Mark Tyson down the street*) I’ll get you for saying that date you dumb mark!!!
Mike’s Daughter: (*face-palms and sighs*) What a “mark”.
Mike’s Daughter: Damien! You little brat! You deflated my boobs! And now they’re…they’re–
Mike Check (*comes closer*): Actually…(*makes a closer inspection and then covers his eyes*) Not that an old father wishes to view and judge his daughter’s…you know…but it’s not that bad at all? They’re not even misshaped or anything darlin’? It seems that he just made them–
Mike’s Daughter: Hideous!
Mike Check: No. Actually, judging by the sizes of all the fillies boobs that I’ve seen over the years, they seem to look…normal sized.
Mike’s Daughter (*bursts into tears*): Now how am I supposed to charge double my clients at work with these tiny…things?!…Uh, never-mind what I said dad.
Mike Check: I don’t understand that particular reference there anyway? But can you go find a smaller bra or something to wear so I can uncover my eyes.
(*As Mike’s Daughter rushes upstairs to change, Mike uncovers his eyes and a clown, aka Pennywise from the movie: “IT”, pops up in front of him*)
“Pennywise”: Hiya, Mikey! Peek-A-Boo!
Mike Check (*jumps back*): Aaaaahhhh! Gosh! Darn It! A clown! (*goes and hides*) Get that feller away from me before I suffer another heart attack!
“Pennywise”: Mikey? Aren’t cha gonna say… “hello?”
Mike Check: No! Go away there feller! I’d rather go to hell with that young Damon feller over there?
“Pennywise”: Ohhh… come on, bucko! Don’t pee your pants?
Damien (*interrupts*): Hey! Find some other time to torment Mike Check, I was here first! And who in my father’s realm are you anyway?!
“Pennywise”: I am Pennywise the dancing clown! You look like a nice boy, I bet you have a lot of friends?
Damien: No “CLOWN”, I do not! Go dance back into the gutter from which you came!
“Pennywise”: Oh come on? Don’t you want a…balloon?
Damien: I’ll give you one more chance to leave before I burst you like a balloon just like I did to Mike Check’s daughter’s boobs!
“Pennywise”: Boobs?! I bet they float?! And did you also put Prince Albert in a can?…You did? Well you better let the poor guy out?! (*points to his crotch and makes humping motion*) *BEEP BEEP* Whoohahahahaaa!
Damien: Prince Albert?! What the f…?! That’s it! (*Damien’s eyes turn fiery red and uses his evil power to launch “Pennywise” like a rocket in the air and he bursts like a balloon*)
Mike Check: Why thank ya there little feller for getting rid of that clown. (*motions to hug Damien but stops when he sees that Damien’s eyes are still red*) Ah…maybe not? So does this mean that you’re not taking me back to hell after-all?
Damien: Of course you still going to hell! I only “murdered” that clown because he was annoying as “heaven”! But where you’ll soon be going, there will be clowns everywhere! Lucky for you that my father will not be returning quite yet! But in the meantime, I may stay a while and toy with you and your neighborhood some more. I see why you mortals find Halloween so fun! Bwhahaha!
(*knock at the door*)
Mike Check: Oh no that better not be Sam at the door?
(*A woman’s voice is heard from behind the door*)
(Mike Check:) Sounds like a pretty filly out there? Perhaps it’s not? (*opens front door*): Hello…ahhh! A clown! Oh, no it’s…is that you Rosemary?
Rosemary: Yes. Mike Check. WE are Rosemary and WE are here to find that vile…(*smacks herself on the head multiple times*)
Mike Check: Uh? Don’t hurt yourself there?
Rosemary: No. WE are fine. But it is Sexy Star, and the evil demons that she was possessed by, who will pay dearly for attempting to dislocate OUR arm two months ago at Triplemania.
Mike Check: Possessed by demons?! Wait, I wonder if that Sam…I mean…STAN feller’s behind all this? Perhaps she was possessed at the moment when she put that darn arm-bar on you? Oh my?! I wonder if that crazy Pope feller from a week ago was right when he said that STAN would return here?!
Rosemary: “Pope?” WE do not understand how The Pope is of any concern to US as he is no longer employed with Global Force Wrestling? But what will be a concern to US is when WE get OUR hands on that vile woman and WE dislocate her arms, WE dislocate her legs, and then WE will make her Decay…Decay…DECAY!!!
Mike Check: Okay there Rosemary you’re scarring ole Mike right now. But why do you want to get “ME” also involved?
Rosemary: WE don’t understand? It is only US here who will get OUR revenge, not YOU?
Mike Check: I still don’t understand that particular reference there? But…wait, I have an idea. Why don’t I help you get some revenge by organizing a re-match in my house?
Rosemary: Oh, WE find that a pleasurable idea Mike (*touches Mike’s forehead with her finger and slides it down his nose*).
Mike Check: Oh yes, I’m so turned on right now that even that clown make-up of yours doesn’t scare me. Maybe I could also make some arrangements to set up a ring filled with oil. Oh, and why don’t WE also make it a “Three Way Dance”, if you know what I mean (*winks*)?
(*Rosemary is suddenly mad and blows the dreaded black mist into Mike’s face, temporarily blinding him*)
Mike Check: Ahhh?! My eyes! I can’t see!
Rosemary: WE are not that type of girl Mike! And that is what you get for your disrespect of the female species! (*she then vanishes*)
Mike Check: But Rosemary! Where…are you still there?! Oh darn it! I think that ole Mike has been “Left Behind” here…ON THE MACKER!…That’s if I can find where that dang CD is?
Mike Check: Weell fellers! This next song was requested by a…Craig Jeranemo? Anyway, it’s titled “Paras…vedatra…I’m not sure how it’s pronounced so I’ll just call it…
Mike Check: Oh no, I think it might be Sam calling as that crazy Pope feller predicted?
Mike’s Daughter: Stop it dad! Just get it, Sam…I mean “STAN” wouldn’t be using the phone to haunt you anyway?
Mike Check: Okay (*answers phone*). Hello KMCR, Mike Check Speaking? Is this Sam?
Chris Jericho: Sam?! Mike, you still can’t you get anything right you STUPID IDIOT?! You’re lucky that I’m not there in person to strangle you again?
Mike Check: Pardon me there feller, who is this?
Chris Jericho: You don’t remember me from back in May? I am, The Ayatollah of Rock N’ Rolla, The Highlight of the Night, The Best In The World At What I Do, Y2J, and the lead singer of Fozzy; Chris Jericho! And I’m calling to correct you…again because my name isn’t ‘Craig Jeranemo’ or ‘Sam’ or ‘Bob’ or ‘Larry’ or ‘Moe’ or even ‘Curly’! No, I have called to once again provide you with the correct pronunciation of the title to “the song of Jericho” which is; “Paraskavedekatriaphobia”. So Mike, why don’t you “CHECK IT IN, MAAAAAAAAN!”
Mike Check: Oh excuse me there feller, yes, you’re the singer of the “Fozzy Bears”?
Chris Jericho: I told you, I’m not from the Muppets and it’s just “Fozzy”, there’s no “bears”!…That’s it…You know what happens when a STUPID IDIOT like you, Mike Check, still can’t get my name, the name of my song, or even the name of my band right?! You know what happens?!
Mike Check: No, I’m not….
Chris Jericho: YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!
Mike Check: Again? I’m still not sure that I understand that particular reference there feller?
Chris Jericho: (*sigh*) Maybe you didn’t get that reference Mike, but don’t worry about Friday The 13th because next Friday, you will get…”IT”!
Mike Check: What in Sam Hill is “IT”? (*phone hangs up on Mike*) Fascinating.