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Return To Church by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth / Devil In A Fast Car by Sheena Easton

Mike’s Daughter: Are Angry Jim and his Japanese cousin still fighting out there?

Mike Check: Looks out the window. I’m afraid so darlin’. It seems that this fight is very…very…very…very long. It kinda reminds me of this film where this feller finds some sunglasses and sees Aliens, so he tries to get his friend to put him on but he refuses so they have a fight which seemed six hours long–

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, you mean “They Live” starring “Rowdy” Roddy Piper…oh that gives me an idea? If no one “living” can help us with our “devil child Damien problem, perhaps I could get out the Seancetrolla and summon a ghost that I think could help us? (*gets out Seancetrolla and starts chanting*) Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy! Rowdy Roddy!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*appears and stands outside Mike’s front door with a shotgun*): I’ve come here to chew gum bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all outta bubblegum!

Mike’s Daughter: Great. Now, can you shoot Damien for me?

Damien: Oh no, I’m a goner! I better summon some help right now?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper : Mama don’t like tattletales!

(*Just as The Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper is about to pull the trigger of his shot gun, The Boogeyman appears*)

[Theme: “Coming To Get Ya!” by Jim Johnston]

The Boogeyman: Bwhahahaha! (*smashes a clock over his head*) I’m The Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to get ya!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You know, you look like your head fell in cheese dip back in 1957!

Mike’s Daughter: Wait? Who are you talking to?

Mike Check (*hiding behind his daughter*): Roddy’s talking to The Boogeyman! Oh no there, he’s coming to get me!

Mike’s Daughter (*looks around*): What Boogeyman?!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: You can’t see him?! He’s right here in front of you!

(*The Boogeyman waves at Mike’s Daughter*)

Mike’s Daughter: Where?!

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper (*takes off his sunglasses and gives them to Mike’s Daughter*): Put these glasses on!

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t think that will work…?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: I said, put them on!

Mike’s Daughter: Okay, okay! (*puts the glasses on and looks around*) Nope.

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Really?! Nothing?!

Mike’s Daughter: No…wait…where did all those “Mike Check Is My Favorite Wrestlecrap Radio TNA Correspondent” billboards come from?… I guess that might actually explain your popularity dad?!

Damien: Fools! Why are you all standing around! Why don’t you fight each other like I made them (*Damien points over to Angry Jim and Jimichiro Rosshu who are still fighting but are now tired and are leaning on each other while trying to throw punches. They then both collapse*)…?!

Boogeyman (*sigh*): Jimichiro-sama! I’m comin’ to get ya! (*goes to Jimichiro’s almost unconscious body and drags him away*)

Mike’s Daughter: What’s happening?!

Mike Check: Weelll, that Japanese feller over there made a Boogeyman robot to kidnap Ringo Starr two years ago and I guess he’s now dragging his master back home?

Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman robot?! I still can’t see who you’re all looking at?! But…I now see Bob Caudle dragging Angry Jim away?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: No, I’m not talking about Bob Caudle! You still don’t see The Boogeyman?! And I thought I lost a lot of brain cells?! (*takes his sunglasses away from Mike’s Daughter*)! Now what was I here for again?!

Damien (*points across the road*): Look! There’s a kid not wearing neon green and I think that other kid next to him might be eating candy before he taking it home?

Ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper: Agghh! (*runs across the road, dodging cars almost running him over, and starts chasing the random Trick or Treaters*) Hey kid! You forgot to say “Please and Thank Ya!”

Damien: And watch out for the “Idiots In Cars”! Bwhahahah!

Mike Check: Fascinating.

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Octopus’s Garden by The Beatles

Mike Check: Well fellers, I don’t know if I should have thanked Rick for giving me that “This Is Your Life” special because; from some of the terrible guests, to ole Mike getting attacked and clowns trying to kill me, it was quite a disaster, let me tell you. But I’m glad that at least the Boogeyman came back and took care of that hack Ringo.

Mike’s Daughter: Are you still on about this “Boogeyman” business? I told you last Halloween, the Boogeyman’s NOT real.

Mike Check: But Rick, Ringo and John all saw him?

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re craz…wait my computer screen’s getting scrambled?

(*Jimichiro Rosshu appears on the video screen from a darkened room in some sort of “uni-bomber style shack”.)

Jimichiro Rosshu: Konnichiwa Check-san! It Jimichiro send message to thanking Check-san for moment to restore Jimichiro honor! You stupid life show lead to find English wife sex cheater who worse than Johnny Ace-san: Ringo-san! So I build boogeyman robot to kidnap bakka drummer and take prisoner! (*camera pans to reveal Ringo with his hands tied behind his back*) Oh, you wonder how Jimichiro not die from explode? The Jimichiro you see last time was “Robot”, so not real me was terminate. Of speaking “terminate”, meet new robot invention, much better than Trolla inferior Megatrolla, that now end Ringo-san! (*out walks a robot that looks like a Japanese Schwarzenegger*). Hai, meet T-008 robot invention to Jimichiro honor restore!

T-008: (*talks in half Austrian/half Japanese accent*) Ringo-San, You Terminat…(*T-008 shuts down*)

Jimichiro Rosshu: Aggghhhh! Robot bakka! Jimichiro knew should not use cheap Taiwan parts!

(*while Jimichiro is distracted fixing his robot, Ringo unties himself, steals the camera and quietly sneaks out of the uni-bomber style shack*)

Ringo: (*laughing and filming himself*) Mike, it seems that I got out of another horrible situation involving you unscathed. Now old chap, although I don’t know where I am?…Looks like I’m on some sort of Island near Japan? Anyway, I see a boat nearby and I’m taking it back to England. I’ve had a gut-full of you old Geezer and I’d rather be under the sea than to ever see your face again. (*Gets on boat and talks to boat’s captain*) I’ll give you anything you want as long as you take me to England!

(*Captain turns around and it’s Gay Popeye*)

Gay Popeye: Anything??? Well blow me…………………..DOWN! Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk! Howz about ol’ Popeye takez yez to the “Octopus’ Garden”. Exceptz my Octopus is one BIG tentacle that likez to be “in the shade”, if ye knowz what I meanz? 😉 Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!

Ringo: No, you’re not taking me anywhere sailor!

Gay Popeye: Oh yez I amz.

Ringo: You and what “army”?

Gay Popeye: Meet: “The Seaman Ship”! Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk!

Ringo: Help! No! No! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Back Off Boogaloo by Ringo Starr

Foley: Thanks for joining us again for “Mike Check’s This Is Your Life” and I have some good news; ole Mike Check is back with his daughter for our big finale! Thankfully, his heart attack was only mild.

Mike Check: Eh. It’s nothing that ole Mike’s hasn’t been through before Rick.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah dad’s probably had 50 heart attacks by now, 35 of which involved hookers, and…(*feels sick*) ewwww, I don’t want to talk about the awkward moments of getting him to the hospital…now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom hurling.

Foley: Ah? Well? While Mike’s daughter is off to possibly take a “Ringo” and wipe her “Starr”, speaking of that, also re-joining us is…

Ringo (*offended*): Very Funny Mick! Do you know who I am? I’m Ringo bloddy Starr! The biggest Rock n’ Roll legend to ever come from The Beatles! Not John! Not Paul! And forget George! I have not one but TWO plaques in the Hall Of Fame! And Mick, you dog’s bollocks, I should receive the honor of the tribute today or I’ll sue you!

Foley: I’m really starting to see why you hate this guy Mike.

Mike Check: I told you that it was a bad idea to bring this feller on.

Ringo: Silence! Why couldn’t you have just dropped dead Mike?! And (*distracted*)…what’s this John Wayne impersonator doing here?

Angry Jim: F*** YOURSELF! I DON’T KNOW EITHER?!

Foley: Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that good ol’ J.R. has also joined us for the finale and to also morn the loss of his Japanese cousin, Jimichiro Rosshu, who died in a tragic explosion two weeks ago. Oh, and I’m also sorry Jim that I didn’t tell you about that until now.

Angry Jim: F***!? JIMICHIRO WAS HERE AND DIED?! WELL I’M SORRY TOO MICK. SORRY I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO…STOMP A MUD-HOLE IN HIS ***! WHICH IS WHAT I MIGHT DO TO THIS BRITISH ****HEAD RINGO INSTEAD!

Ringo: Do that and I’ll sue you, but I’m told that you’re flat broke, so bugger off!….(*distracted again*) Wait! What’s that?!?!

Angry Jim: BY GAWD! IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN! WHAT’S THE BOOGEYMAN DOIN’ HERE?!

Mike Check: Oh no! I knew the Boogeyman is real and he’s coming to get me!

(*The Boogeyman shuffles over to Mike but turns his attention to Ringo*)

Ringo: “Back Off Boogaloo”! If you put your grubby hands on me I’ll sue you also!

The Boogeyman: Tick Tock, Tick Tock. (*smashes large clock on head*) DAH! BWAHAHAHAHA! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET YA!

Angry Jim (*doing commentary*): BY GAWD! THE BOOGEYMAN’S SMASHED THAT CLOCK RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD! AND BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP AS THE BOOGEYMAN IS NOW PICKING RINGO UP…AND OHHHH! HE’S GIVEN RINGO THE BOOGEYBOMB! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! …AND NOW THE BOOGEYMAN’S PICKIN’ UP RINGO AGAIN AND NOW MAKIN’ LIKE A TREE AND LEAVIN’ THE BUILDING! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE?!

Mike’s Daughter: (*walks back into the room*) Sorry, what did I miss?

Foley: The Boogeyman. Well like us, I guess you can say that The Boogeyman knew that Ringo was not a “beatle” but a giant “worm”.

Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman??? I didn’t see no…You’re all crazy!

Foley: Ah??? Well on that note, this is Mick Foley signing off and “Have a nice day”!

Mike Check: And see you tomorrow fellers.

Angry Jim: AND GO **** YOURSELVES!

Mike, Mike’s Daughter & Foley: JIIIIMMM!!!

Nightmare by Tuesday Knight

…Vince McMahon: (*lights match outside Mike Check’s House*) YOU’RRRRRRRRRRRRE FIRED! (*throws it at Mike*)…

(*Mike Check wakes up suddenly*)

Mike Check: Agh! Fire! Help!

Mike’s Daughter: What’s wrong dad?!

Mike Check: I think I had a nightmare about that McManus feller from the WWWF trying to light me on fire, and you know how your ole man is afraid of fire! And that was after I dreamed that you dreamed that The Boogeyman spent the whole week outside our house where he body-slammed me, put worms in my mouth and danced?…

Mike’s Daughter: Uh Okay dad? That sounds like a crazy dream. But don’t worry, there hasn’t been any fires or “Boogeymen” around here. Actually it’s funny, you dozed off just after we played The Boogeyman’s theme song from WWE, just to prove that there were no imaginary “boogeymen” or videos being summoned. And you have been asleep on the sofa for practically a week? I guess it was those six weeks of paranoia that got you so tired?

Mike Check: Fascinating. So that whole Boogeyman ballyhoo was just one big “nightmare”?

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah, I guess so?

Mike Check: Well speaking of that, here’s a song from one of, the late, Wes Craven’s “Nightmare on Elm Street” films, It’s “Nightmare” by Tuesday Knight here on…THE MACKER!

The Boogeyman: (*lurking somewhere in the shadows*) BWAHAHAHAHA! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET YA! BWAHAHAHAHA! (*shuffles away and the scene fades to black*)….

THE END???

No Chance In Hell by Jim Johnston

(*Mike’s Daughter wakes up suddenly*)

Mike’s Daughter: Huh? What? Was that all a dream? Was I about to…did I have sex with…The Boogeyman?! Well I guess it wouldn’t have been the first time I…wait, where’s dad! (*Goes to find Mike Check*) Dad. I think the Boogeyman is gone…

Mike Check: Boogeyman? What are you talking about my precious petunia?

Mike’s Daughter: The Boogeyman. You know, I didn’t believe you about you seeing those videos, then he stalked us all week, and then he attacked you and put worms in you mouth…remember? And then I finally tried to get rid of him by having to….uh, nevermind…but…

(*knock on the door*)

Mike’s Daughter: Wait, maybe it’s him! Don’t get it!

Mike Check: Hush darlin’. It’s probably just some pesky kids at the door again…

(*opens door*)

Vince McMahon: DAMMIT Mike! This is a PG show! You could have things like Live Sex celebrations, old women giving birth to hands and Katie Vick in the Attitude Era but we’re publicly traded now, Dammit! And what your daughter did to the Boogeyman was far worse than all that put together! So there’s “No Chance In Heeeeell” that you’re ever going to grab that brass ring because I’m wiping your name from WWE.COM and firing your ass on your wedding day! Goddammit!

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there feller? But ole Mike’s not getting hitched? And what are you doing with that match?…

Vince McMahon: SHUT-UP! I can do whatever I want because I’m Vince McMahon, Chairman of WWE, Dammit! And (*lights match*) YOU’RRRRRRRRRRRRE FIRED!…

Boogie Man by AC/DC

Mike’s Daughter: Okay, I’ve got an idea dad, but I think that you’re going to have to hide until tomorrow morning. I don’t want you to see what, uh, might happen.

Mike Check: Okay darlin’ but are you sure you’ll be fine on your own?

Mike’s Daughter: (*looking both reluctant and disgusted at the same time*): Ah, yes dad. Just play that AC/DC song, it’s the song I normally strip…uh…I mean listen to. (*opens door and talks in a seductive voice*) Oh Boo-gey-man! Why don’t you bring that big worm of yours over here!

The Boogeyman: (*The Boogeyman shuffles over and tries to shove a hand full of worms in her face*).

Mike’s Daughter: No no, not those worms. I meant that “big worm” in your pants. Now come and get me……….

……..(*Mike’s Daughter wakes up suddenly*)

Mike’s Daughter: Huh? What? Was that all a dream?…

Hush, Hush, Hush, Here Comes the Bogeyman by Henry Hall

Mike Check: I have an idea. Maybe I should play “Hush, Hush, Hush, Here Comes the Bogeyman” by Henry Hall. There’s some tips in there about getting rid of that Boogeyman feller.

(*opens door*)

…Hey feller I’m a crocodile and I have soldiers under my bed…….”meow”?

The Boogeyman: (*picks up Mike by the neck and gives him the “Boogeybomb”*)

…Bwwhahahahaha! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN & I’M COMING TO GET YOU!

Mike’s Daughter: (*closes door*) DAD! Are you alright?!

Mike Check: (*coming into consciousness*) I thought that would work?

Mike’s Daughter: That’s just an old kid’s song dad!

Mike Check: Hush darlin’. How go to your room and get your Teddy Bear and pretend he’s a dog.

Mike’s Daughter: (*sigh*).

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