STAN: So not even me or God knows what your name is, Mike’s Daughter, but what I do know is that this wildcard song of yours will fail just like the other 13 you and your dear ole dad have picked. Yes, some were good, others were weak, but it’s inevitable that you are going to be “looooosers”. So stop stalling and just give me your souls now already. There’s no song known to man that can troll me!
Mike’s Daughter: You’re gonna love…or should I say hate this one STAN. Each year in May one of the guys from…yes, I have to even give him credit…wrestlecrapradio.com’s R.V.M Kai, sends us some songs from the Eurovision Song Contest. Not that I want to give out spoilers of what we are going to play or anything but there was a Heavy Metal band, of all things, from Finland that entered in 2006 and shocked everyone by winning with a song called “Hard Rock Hallelujah”…which we will hopefully play next month after we WIN this son…
STAN: Just get to the point! Now you’re rambling like your dad.
Mike’s Daughter: Sorry. My point is ‘Lordi’…
STAN: Stop! Lordi? Are you kidding me? But Scandinavian Heavy Metal bands all worship me! Haven’t you heard the pure evilness of the likes of “Mayhem”, a Black Metal band who like to burn down churches in their spare time? Oh Dammit, that’s who I could have played yesterday?!
Mike’s Daughter: Well it’s too late for that because today’s pick is appropriately titled; “Devil Is A Loser”.
Mike Check: Now that’s sounds like a winner right there here on…”6 Years Of Whackin’!”
STAN: Aggghhhh! They’re right! I am a loser, boo hoo hoo! Okay, you win! That song was no “Highway to Hell” but it did “troll” me good! Who would of thought that a Scandinavian Heavy Metal band who wear demonic costumes could troll me with a song like that?! Okay so your souls, along with “The Mike Check Show”, is yours…but not before I burn down your house!
Mike Check: NOOOOOOOOO!
STAN: Just kidding. Ha Ha, you should have seen your face. But in the words of Stewart Patrick: “I’m leaving now”…
Mike’s Daughter: Hey! Not so fast. You almost forgot about your promise to grant us one wish, remember?
STAN: Oh, very well. What is it?
Mike Daughter: Well hmmm, I don’t know? We still have some financial problems and then there’s the matter of my dad still being under house arrest, so…
Mike Check: Could you get us a copy of that Turtle Ninja Christmas CD that my daughter smashed with a hammer back in December? I think that was the only CD of it’s kind in existence and some feller call Premier Blake needs another copy.
Mike’s Daughter: No! Actually, we don’t need to worry about that anym…
STAN (*quickly interrupts*): Too Late. (*magically makes CD appear in Mike’s hands*) See ya later…oh and worship the devil. Bwhahahaha! (*disappears in a ball of flames*)
Mike’s Daughter: DAD!!! We could have been rich if you just shut…
(*Mike’s Daughter is distracted as their front door is kicked open by current TNA wrestler; Alberto El Patron.*)
Alberto El Patron (*grabs the CD from Mike’s hands*): I kill you Ninja Turtle for touching my wife, perro! (*throws the CD on the ground and shouts “Sí” each time he crushes it with his foot.)
Paige (*enters the house and nervously tries to pull Alberto away*) Alberto, stop it. It’s just a CD. You’re drunk again.
Alberto El Patron (*calms down*): Sí honey, I must have been possess by el Diabolo or sometheeng? Eh…sorry about that amigos. (*he and Paige walk out*)
Mike Check (*dumbfounded*): Fascinating?
Mike’s Daughter: But what the f…?! (*shouts at the ground and shakes her fist*) Stan! You just couldn’t resist one last prank could you! (*sigh*)…Well whatever. At least everything’s finally back to normal.
STAN: I must admit, that “Head Cuttin’ Duel” from yesterday rocked, even though I actually thought that Steve Vai was the better player than whoever that guy from The Karate Kid was miming to. But anyway, nothing will beat my final song on the “666 years of Whackin’ song battle, and it’s one of the greatest songs that I have ever written; it’s “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC:
STAN (*Laughs*): There. I win. There’s nothing that can beat “Highway To fricken’ Hell” by AC/DC! Now give me your souls!
Mike’s Daughter: Not so fast. You cheated. You already played AC/DC earlier in the month and you can’t play another song by the same artist or band, remember. That was part of the rules!
STAN: I lied! Did you forget that I’m “The Evil Troll Lord” remember! Hell, I’m The Devil himself goddammit! Did you fools really think that this was really going to result in, you pathetic mortals, winning in the end? Now, give me your souls!
Mike’s Daughter: No! Not until you give us one more chance. We demand one more song, and it’s for all or nothing. And if we win you must hand us our show back and promise to leave us alone.
STAN: Okay, if I agree that tomorrow’s song is what I, Stan, deem the greatest tune ever to ever troll me, than I will; spare you both, hand over “The Mike Check Show” and…what the hell…I’ll even grant you one wish. Okay?
Mike Check: That’s swell and I know just the perfect tune there feller…
Mike’s Daughter (*checks her phone*) No. Please you must let me pick this one dad. I have an idea.
Mike Check: Weelll. Okay my precious petunia. So tune in tomorrow fellers for the final installment of “6 Years Of Whackin'”…and hopefully it will not be the final installment of…THE MACKER!…Or Mike Check, for that matter!?
Mike Check: Since I’m letting you pick the songs now darlin, what song do you have for us to beat Sam with today?
Mike’s Daughter: Well I was watching a movie called “Crossroads”…
STAN: Crossroads? Wasn’t that the “awful ‘Britney Spears’ movie? That was one of my best works. What do you have for me? “Oops I Did It Again”? Ha ha ha!
Mike’s Daughter: No. I’m talking about the 1986 film starring Ralph Macchio from “The Karate Kid”. He plays a guitar student who goes down to Memphis and plays a head-cutting guitar duel with a man, played by Steve Vai, who sold his soul to the devil. If he wins, his Blues musician friend Willie gets his soul back, but if he loses, then has to also put his own soul on the line. And yada yada yada, you know how it ends.
STAN: No. A music student beating legendary guitar player Steve Vai, in a guitar duel? That’s plot is so unrealistic! Learning Karate via “Wax on, Wax off” is more realistic than that. But very well, let’s hear it!
STAN: Tsk-tsk, Mike’s Daughter or whatever your name is? If you had played the original Charlie Daniels Band version of “Devil Goes Down To Georgia” yesterday then perhaps you could’ve won? Buuut, since you played Primus’ version instead, it also means that it leaves open the ability for me to play the Charlie Daniels’ 1993 followup called “Devil Comes Back To Georgia”. And guess what? I actually like this one because I win in the end.
Mike’s Daughter: No. Johnny wins again.
STAN: No, let me read the lyrics…ah? Well, the ending is ambiguous but it clearly implies that I win.
Mike’s Daughter: I don’t think so? But okay, if you watch the music video it clearly “implies” that Johnny wins.
STAN: (*thinks for a second*) I don’t care what is implied! This song is the better one!
Mike’s Daughter: Says you.
STAN: Exactly. See. I win.
Mike Check: He’s got us there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter: How has he got…!? (*sigh*) Never-mind!
Mike Check: Weelll for my next…
Mike’s Daughter (*interrupts*): No, that’s it dad! I’m taking over this contest whether you like it or not!
Mike Check: Okay there darlin’. I guess that I’ll give you a chance since unlike 99% of fillies on earth, you’re one hell of a whiz kid, and could possibly manage to pick some songs than can beat Sam.
Mike’s Daughter: Dad, I can’t believe how sexist you are, but there’s no time to complain about that now. Here’s an oldie that proves that you, Stan, can be beaten by any mortal with musical talent. It’s Primus’ cover of “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” by The Charlie Daniels Band.
STAN: Yes, a song performed by “men” by the way.
Mike’s Daughter: Oh, and you can just shut the hell up also!
STAN: This song contest is too easy! It seems that you have reached the bottom of the barrel with your song choices Mike? I don’t even have think I even need to try anymore?
Mike’s Daughter: Of course it’s easy for you, because you’re a damn cheater!
STAN: Touche. So how about today I pick any random crap from the bottom of my barrel with this cheesy song from the show “Futurama? And like Bender in the song “Robot hell”, after I defeat you in this song battle, you will soon go through agonizing, and ironic, punishments for your mortal sins.
Mike Check: Like what? Me and my daughter are good people?
STAN: Really? Okay, for starters: For all those women that you have slept with, in the many markets that you have worked in, that you have also skipped paying child support to. You will spend the rest of eternity with just one of my concubines.
Mike Check: Well that’s not so bad, I guess?
STAN: Yes, but she will have the nose the size of Ringo Starr’s and you will be spend all eternity babysitting 1000 of her demon spawn…and oh, here’s the clincher, you will also be forced to also wear a chastity belt made of burning hot coal.
Mike Check: No, anything but that there feller!
STAN: And for your daughter, well she won’t be required to wear such a belt because she will become and forever be my one of my many BDSM slaves.
Mike Daughter (*looks at STAN making a whip cracking gesture*): Are you sure that’s a punishment?
STAN: (*looks at her again and thinks about it*) Huh? Wait? Now why do I feel a little scared all of a sudden? Ahh! The Irony?!
Mike’s Daughter: Dad. This whole song contest against “STAN: The Evil Troll Lord” idea is really getting on my nerves right now. let’s face it Dad. I don’t think that your songs have been impressing Stan all that much?
Mike Check: Sure they are. Didn’t anything ole Mike has played work in you market there Sam?
Mike’s Daughter: See. Now would you please let me play something this time?
Mike Check: Oh…okay there darlin’. So Sam there feller, I’m gonna let my daughter choose the song today because you know why?
STAN: No. Why?
Mike Check: Because although the fillies don’t make good radio DJ’s because they don’t have the mental smarts like men do. But you should be well aware that “Hell Hath No Fury” like a woman scorned…here on THE MACKER!
Mike’s Daughter: Dad! Not only was what you said so sexist but that was supposed your cue to let me play something, not for you to play a Frankie Laine song?! (*sigh*) This whole thing is ridiculous!
Mike Check: Sorry there darlin’, but that wasn’t what I meant to do and then let you play something next time?
Mike’s Daughter: No! I said…(*groans*)
STAN (in a mocking Southern accent*): Yeah there sorry…”darlin'”. (*laughs hysterically*)