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Back Off Boogaloo by Ringo Starr

Still speaking of my “This Is your Life” special. That hack drummer Ringo Starr was still in attendance to bother ole Mike. Fortunately for yours truly, The Boogeyman made a return. And this time, it’s wasn’t to “come and get me”:

Foley: Thanks for joining us again for “Mike Check’s This Is Your Life” and I have some good news; ole Mike Check is back with his daughter for our big finale! Thankfully, his heart attack was only mild.

Mike Check: Eh. It’s nothing that ole Mike’s hasn’t been through before Rick.

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah dad’s probably had 50 heart attacks by now, 35 of which involved hookers, and…(*feels sick*) ewwww, I don’t want to talk about the awkward moments of getting him to the hospital…now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom hurling.

Foley: Ah? Well? While Mike’s daughter is off to possibly take a “Ringo” and wipe her “Starr”, speaking of that, also re-joining us is…

Ringo (*offended*): Very Funny Mick! Do you know who I am? I’m Ringo bloddy Starr! The biggest Rock n’ Roll legend to ever come from The Beatles! Not John! Not Paul! And forget George! I have not one but TWO plaques in the Hall Of Fame! And Mick, you dog’s bollocks, I should receive the honor of the tribute today or I’ll sue you!

Foley: I’m really starting to see why you hate this guy Mike.

Mike Check: I told you that it was a bad idea to bring this feller on.

Ringo: Silence! Why couldn’t you have just dropped dead Mike?! And (*distracted*)…what’s this John Wayne impersonator doing here?

Angry Jim: F*** YOURSELF! I DON’T KNOW EITHER?!

Foley: Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that good ol’ J.R. has also joined us for the finale and to also morn the loss of his Japanese cousin, Jimichiro Rosshu, who died in a tragic explosion two weeks ago. Oh, and I’m also sorry Jim that I didn’t tell you about that until now.

Angry Jim: F***!? JIMICHIRO WAS HERE AND DIED?! WELL I’M SORRY TOO MICK. SORRY I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO…STOMP A MUD-HOLE IN HIS ***! WHICH IS WHAT I MIGHT DO TO THIS BRITISH ****HEAD RINGO INSTEAD!

Ringo: Do that and I’ll sue you, but I’m told that you’re flat broke, so bugger off!….(*distracted again*) Wait! What’s that?!?!

Angry Jim: BY GAWD! IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN! WHAT’S THE BOOGEYMAN DOIN’ HERE?!

Mike Check: Oh no! I knew the Boogeyman is real and he’s coming to get me!

(*The Boogeyman shuffles over to Mike but turns his attention to Ringo*)

Ringo: “Back Off Boogaloo”! If you put your grubby hands on me I’ll sue you also!

The Boogeyman: Tick Tock, Tick Tock. (*smashes large clock on head*) DAH! BWAHAHAHAHA! I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET YA!

Angry Jim (*doing commentary*): BY GAWD! THE BOOGEYMAN’S SMASHED THAT CLOCK RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD! AND BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP AS THE BOOGEYMAN IS NOW PICKING RINGO UP…AND OHHHH! HE’S GIVEN RINGO THE BOOGEYBOMB! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! …AND NOW THE BOOGEYMAN’S PICKIN’ UP RINGO AGAIN AND NOW MAKIN’ LIKE A TREE AND LEAVIN’ THE BUILDING! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE?!

Mike’s Daughter: (*walks back into the room*) Sorry, what did I miss?

Foley: The Boogeyman. Well like us, I guess you can say that The Boogeyman knew that Ringo was not a “beatle” but a giant “worm”.

Mike’s Daughter: What Boogeyman??? I didn’t see no…You’re all crazy!

Foley: Ah??? Well on that note, this is Mick Foley signing off and “Have a nice day”!

Mike Check: And see you tomorrow fellers.

Angry Jim: AND GO **** YOURSELVES!

Mike, Mike’s Daughter & Foley: JIIIIMMM!!!

I Shot The Sheriff by Eric Clapton

Speaking of Mike Check’s: “This is Your Life”. It all descended into chaos as Ringo Star, Sir Alex, and a Sheriff, who was apparently my son, conspired to eliminate yours truly. Good my friend Rick Foley was there to help this poor ole man out. Unfortunately, this incident, along with the last one, got ole Mike is some more hot water with the bosses, let me tell you.

Foley: Wait so you…sorry again, I shouldn’t use “pro-nouns”…”Sheriff Harry Dickwell” and “Sir Alec Heineken are here to shoot Mike Check in some revenge plot? Yes, maybe Mike didn’t do a great job in supporting your mother but isn’t this a little extreme?

Dickwell: Do you remember the elderly Englishman that handed Mike the cigar that caused the explosion at that Fireworks Factory? Well, he’s back!

Foley: Whoa Whoa Whoa, I’ve heard rumors that you, Sir Alec, hate ole Mike here, but you were RIGHT HERE on THIS IS YOUR LIFE as a guest only a couple of weeks ago and you were, surprisingly, one of the very few guests who actually didn’t attempt to kill Mike? It doesn’t make sense?

Mike Check: Yeah why, Sir Eric Heimlich? And…(*looks more closely at “Sir Alec”*) why does your face seem a little rubbery lookin’ there?

“Sir Alec”: OOOOhhhh old chap. That’s because….(*takes off his “Mission Impossible” style prosthetic mask*)

Foley: Ringo Starr?!? But how…why?

Ringo (*to Mike Check*): Why did I do it? Well I could have put aside all of your whinging the time you were my room-mate in England, but no no no, you wouldn’t stop there. You’d go back to America and portray me as “evil” to your radio listeners and started up all those rumours that I had Paul McCartney (*does finger quotes*) “replaced” with an imposter, etc. I knew you’d be foolish enough to light that cigar in front of a Fireworks Factory that night and it would have been poetic justice since it was you that always accused me of nicking your cigars. But two years later I find out that you were alive when I was contacted to present you, of all people, with a BBC award in London. So I disguised myself as a clown and followed you around near your hotel in the hope that you’d have a heart attack before the award ceremony even started, but you didn’t. And later at that ceremony, the coppers pulled us apart before I could get my hands on you. But now thanks to Foley inviting me here, it led this Dickwell bloke in contacting me so he could find you.

Foley: If I may interject Ringo; I have one important question…why did you disguise yourself as Sir Alec?

Ringo: That’s your “important question” Mick??? There was no reason behind that particular disguise, it was just a disguise. You Yanks read too much into things. And it was a mask of renowned actor; Sir Alec Guinness that I was sporting by the way, but I guess you Yanks don’t read too much to even know who that is?

(*the room is filled with confused silence*)

Dickwell: Gawddamnit! Enough of this Sir Bud Wiser crap! All you people need to concern yourself right now is this 44 Magnum pointing at ole Mike’s head!

Ringo: I must say Harry, aren’t you taking things a tad far with that pistol of yours? That wasn’t supposed to be part of the plan?

Dickwell: What “plan” did you have in mind? More “disguises” and Coyote/Road Runner style pranks, hoping that he’d drop dead by accident?!

Foley: Guys sorry to interrupt again and I know this may be none of my business, but if you’re going to do this, why don’t you do it over in the corner. I can’t stand the sight of blood, which is I know is ironic since I wrestled in many hardcore matches.

Dickwell: Fine, I’ll give you that. Where do you want me?

Foley: Over there by that barbed-wire roped wrestling ring that’s still setup from a week ago.

Dickwell (*walks over to the ring*): You mean over here…?

Ringo: No mate! There’s C-4 under…

Dickwell: C Wha….(*Sheriff Dickwell explodes*)?

Foley: Well I guess it seems inadvertently that…I shot the Sheriff! BANG BANG!

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

Another memorable moment on Mike Check’s: “This Is Your Life”, was the time Rick Foley invited a feller I worked with all the way on the orient in the Yokohama, Japan market. And you could say there fellers that this incident ended with “a bang”:

Foley (on cellphone): Uh-huh. Its like the weirdest thing. Here he is out of nowhere trying to talk to Mike Check–the guy that I’m doing this show for. Yeah so anyways here he is trying to “apologize” for whatever then Mike Check just kicks him in the balls, THEN his kid shows up. I try to break things up with the kid but the brat just bit me! Then he tears up the place. If it wasn’t fur Hughie then I don’t know what would happen. I know-I know taking the kids on tour isn’t a bright idea but since Noelle is coming soon for the show I thought a little family get together would be fun. Uh-huh. Okay, love you too. Bye. *hangs up cellphone*

Mike Check: Who was that you were you talking to Rick?

Foley: That was my wife on the phone. After that whole mess from yesterday she notified me that Jake Lloyd Sr. broke out of a psychiatric facility somewhere in South Carolina. He was in there because starring in “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” literally made him mentally insane! Just recently he broke out of that mental institution he was in, kidnapped his son out of a legal institution of his own getting ready to be adopted since he’s mentally unfit to take care of his son, and came here! And I thought some of the stuff that I did back in the day didn’t make any sense! I called the cops so they can get Father & Son out of here but the weirdest thing is after I told them where I was they laughed at me & gave me some phone numbers for a free clinic in the area which I though was rather odd?

Mike Check: Yeah the cops are pretty weird here.

Foley: Mike I have to say this. From one father to another and since we’ve heard and unfortunately seen your *cough* “exploits” since my daughter is coming here. If you do anything inappropriate to her; I won’t be held responsible for my actions.

Mike Check: I’m not sure I that understand that particular reference there Rick?

Foley: All right moving on now. Today’s guest has come all the way from Japan, a place dear to my heart for those infamous exploding barbwire matches I had with Terry Funk. We have also set up a ring surrounded by C-4 explosives right here in the studio for no apparent reason.

Mike Check: That looks a tad dangerous there Rick?

Foley: Ha Ha Ha, never-mind that Mike. Do you recognize this voice?

???: Check-san! You dishonor me with shame! Now I revenge get!

Mike Check: I’m not sure I…?

Foley: It’s one of your former radio co-hosts; Chin Shima!

Mike Check: That’s right. I remember this feller when we used to work the Yokohama, Japan market. I went under the name “Johnny Hero” and we were the “The Hero Shima Show”.

Chin Shima: You dishonor with shame Check-san for call me Chin Shima”! Real name Jimichiro Rosshu, one of 40 assistant manager of Fukya Selfu Robotics, also former All-Japan Puroresu number 1 announcer and cousin to redneck Angry Jim-san; who English commentary provide for inferior promotion New Japan! And Check-san, you bring dishonor for always dirty boot wearing in house! Then bring anger and shame to Jimichiro after have us fire at radio station for make disrespect!

Mike Check: I’m not sure what particular reference you’re making there feller? But are you talking about the time we had those wrestling tag-team fillies from All-Japan called “The Jumping Bomb Angels” on the show? I’m not quite sure what I said that was offensive about: “How about you fine bombs make like WW2 and jump on Hero n’ Shima”. It got us fired and ole Mike deported and blacklisted…but I’m glad that I can laugh about it now.

Chin Shima a.k.a. Jimichiro Rosshu: Aghhh! Laugh about!? You dishonor all Japan with bombing war comment of disrespect! It your fault Check-san that wife filled with shame and stop sex date since many year with Jimichiro! I now revenge have and choppy choppy Mike-san pee-pee with Katana!

Ringo: (*walks in*) Mick, was I supposed to be the guest again today?…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*looks over to Ringo and calms down*) Ringo Starr-san from Beatle that is you?

Ringo: Yes chap, would you be a fan?

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*now happy*) Hai. Use to sing Beatle song when wife have sex date regular until she cheat with drummer bakka…(*stares more closely at Ringo and becomes angry again*) That you leave wet drumstick at Jimichiro house front Genkan! You also bring disgrace Jimichiro with more dishonor!

Foley: Hold on guys, there’s C-4 around the place, so don’t…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*not paying attention to Foley*) Aghhh! Now choppy choppy YOUR pee-pee! (*Jimichiro runs with his Katana towards Ringo but accidentally steps on a hidden C-4 bomb and explodes*)

Foley: Ah, Medic! …Well here’s a song by an American band who were also a big hit in Japan, no pun intended, it’s “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways here on MIKE CHECK: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

Thunder Island by Jay Ferguson

As I as saying before fellers, Rick Foley brought many guest from Mike Check’s radio career to celebrate “This Is Your Life”. Two most of the most memorable was when he invited Bob Ali and suzie Shuffle…who still hates ole Mike…from the time I worked the Ithica market for WTKO on “The Bob and Weave Morning Drive”:

Foley: Mike, I made my best effort to gather as many guests for “This Is your Life” as I could. Unfortunately, most of the radio DJ’s you worked with have either; disappeared off the face of the earth or want to kill you? However, I did find two of your radio colleagues from your days working as Bob Ali from “The Bob and Weave Morning Drive” at WTKO in Ithica, New York. So put your hands together for your old partner; Cassius Weave and weather girl; Suzie Shuffle!

Cassius Weave (*drunkenly*): Eeeeeeyyyy Bobby, how ya doin’ eh?

Mike Check: I’m doing great there feller, but I’m going under my real name Mike Check nowadays.

Cassius Weave: You’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little hung over. But you’re still Bobby to me baby.

Mike Check: Fascinating. Are you still drinking on a school night there feller?

Casuius Weave: Right on. But eeeeyyy, they were having a special on 7 and 7’s down at the Emporium. There’s some sexy foxes down there and ole Cassius still digs going “down there” if ya know what I mean Bobby.

Mike Check: Well speaking of “foxes”. Hello there Suzie, you’re still a very…very….very….very fine looking filly after all these years.

Suzie Shuffle: Hi Mike, thanks.

Mike Check: So for old time sake, since you were the WTKO: “The Knockout” weather girl, can you give us the weather update for tomorrow there?

Suzie Shuffle: Okay, well I think it’s going to be hot and humid.

Mike Check: Ahhhhh yeaaahh, say it’s “hot and humid” again. Say it slowly.

Suzie Shuffle: It’s going to be hhooottt aanndd huummiiid.

Mike Check: Oh yeeahh, tell ole Mike if it’s going to be…wet?

Suzie Shuffle: Well there’s a small chance of thunder in the evening…Hey wait?! Are you guys using sexual innuendos on me again!?

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there, but tell me more about “The Thunder”.

Suzie Shuffle: The only “Thunder” for you right now is ME “storming” out the door! Just like you did to me when I gave you the “forecast” that I was pregnant with your child! (*storms out the door*)

Casuius Weave: Eeeeeyyyyy, Suzie Suffle everybody! Now that’s one thunderous fox that I’m still diggin’ watchin’ her storm past from behind, if ya know what I mean Bobby?

Mike Check: Ole Mike would sure like to ride that storm from behind again on “Thunder Island”, let me tell you. Well speaking of that, here’s “Thunder Island” by Jay Ferguson here on WTKO: THE KNOCKOUT!

Casuius Weave (*angry all of a sudden*): Heeeeyyyyy, don’t talk that jive like about my Suzie, or I’m gonna knock you out to another market! (*goes to punch Mike Check but then falls down in a drunken stupor*)

Foley: (*stunned*) I believe the word to say here is…fascinating???

Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss / I’m the Greatest by Ringo Starr

For The Mike Check Show’s “5th year of Whackin'”, ole Mike was surprised by WWWF Superstar Rick Foley, when he used the month to celebrate ole Mike’s radio career with a “The Is Your Life” special. He brought along many of Mike’s old friend, but unfortunately, he also inadvertantly brought along some of my worst enemies. One such guest was that hack of a drummer: Ringo Starr. I’m not sure if this should be included as one of my best moments, it more like the worst for me. But I’m sure you listener want to hear it again so here it is:

Foley: Okay Mike, today “Mrs Foley’s baby boy” Mick Foley finally presents to you your huge surprise. So Mike, welcome to “MIKE CHECK: THIS IS YOU LIFE!” Are you ready to meet your first mystery guest?

Mike Check: Sure Rick, the suspense is killing me.

Foley: I thought that I told you that it’s “Mick”, but I guess I’ll just have to be “Rick Foley” for this month. But anyway without any further ado here’s the 2-time Hall Of Famer, who’s real name is Richard, but you might know him as…

Mike Check: I know feller, since you were a WWWF wrestler, it must be your pal; Rick Flair. Or perhaps…no it can’t be Richard Strauss?

Mick Foley: No that’s the wrong theme…? I should have played…oh forget the theme, because here’s a man that needs no introduction. Your first guest is Beatles legend, it’s your old friend; Ringo Starr!

ringocartoonMike Check: Hold on there! This feller’s no friend of ole Mike! Why are you bringing this no good big-nosed hack here?!

Foley: But I was led to believe that you both were best friends?

Ringo: That’s what I told you Mick because I came all the way from England just to rub my Hall of Fame awards in that cowboy’s face. So how many awards have you won Mike? That useless BBC award two years ago? Don’t make me laugh. You know after this senile old geezer tried to fight me, the coppers now won’t even let him out of the America, let alone his own house. A scuffle in which I was the victor by the way, because it’s just like Muhammad Ali says…”I’m The Greatest!”

Mike Check: Sorry for my language Rick but, Gosh darn it! “The Greatest”, my foot! I might be an old man but I would’ve won that fight there feller if the cops didn’t interrupt and start chasing me like I was Benny Hill. And I don’t understand how you became the drummer for The Beatles when you’re such a no talent hack!

Ringo: Oh I’m a hack? What happened to your band, “Mike Check and The Markets” or whatever that dribble was called? You failed in music so you became a mere radio Disc Jockey! That sums up your “life”! Talk about a “hack”?

Mike Check: Well feller, if you were a Disc Jockey, you’d be working for radio station, WDIK! You’d be “Richard Head”, your partner would be “Dick Cranium”, on “The Dick He…!

Foley: Guys! Guys! Let’s cool it there and save this for another day.

Mike Check: Another day?

Foley: Yes, I thought it would have been a good idea for Ringo to be a re-occurring guest, since…we haven’t even got to how you two met yet?

Mike Check: Something tells me I’m going not going to enjoy this month, let me tell you.

Pressure by Billy Joel

Mike Check’s Daughter: ARGH!!!

Mike Check: What’s up darlin’?

Mike Check’s Daughter: Ever since Mick Foley’s “This Is Your Life” show there has been all these awful things that happened. The death of my brother Sheriff Dickwell by a C-4 Ring Explosion, your heart attack…dad, are you OK by the way?

Mike Check: For the hundredth time I’m fine!

Mike Check’s Daughter: God Dad don’t get cranky on me! Then there’s that whomever it was that tried to shoot you. Oh and then there are those nerds Raging_Demons and R.V.M Kai calling us basically threatening us to behave or else. Which I don’t respond too well Dad. I feel all this–this–

Mike Check: Pressure?

Mike Check’s Daughter: There you go, Pressure!

Mike Check: Let me give you some advice darlin’ Back when I was working in the Seattle Market I worked for a radio station called KACL where I did a radio talk show and I gave out helpful advice. I was Frasier Mahoney and I had a partner named David Crane and together our talk show was called “The Frasier Crane Show”. Now darlin’, if I still had my show I would tell you to go somewhere and relax and get all that stress out. In fact I got an idea. Here’s a little personal request from me to you, my whiz-kid of a daughter. It’s “Pressure” by Billy Joel here on…THE MACKER!

Mike Check’s Daughter: Thanks Dad! I think I’ll go to work and find a guy and hoping I can release the “pressure” that he has. Hopefully its all over my face, neck, and chest.

Mike Check: You were always a messy eater darlin’

Ska Robot Army by The Aquabats

Mike’s Daughter: Dad are you alright?! That crazy woman could have shot you yesterday.

Mike Check: I’m fine darlin’. Thank god that metal feller from last year was there or else I would had been a goner!

Mike’s Daughter: Yeah but I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact that Robocop was there to rescue you yet he got lost to Wrestlemania last year which seemed pretty odd to me, or that he seems to have been re-programmed with the late C.S. Irwin’s traits…now that cannot possibly be considered “canon”, can it?

Mike Check: No my precious petunia, he had a gun not a canon. Next you’re gonna say that he brought along a “Ska Robot Army” with him here to save ole Mike? Well speaking of that, that sounds like a great song to play today here on…THE MACKER!

Mike’s Daughter: *sigh*

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