All Out Of Bubble Gum by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth
Mike Check: Well there fellers…(*Mike is interrupted by a knock at the front door, he then opens the door and there’s a Hillbilly parent and child waiting*)
Hillbilly dad: Hey feller, da ya have any Hubba Bubba Bubble gum there for ma son there partner?
Mike Check: Well hello there fellers! People usually say “Trick or Treat” before asking for candy, but very well…(*looks through his bag of candy but can’t find it*) No, let me ask my daughter (*to his daughter*) Do we have any Hubba Bubba Bubble gum?
Mike’s Daughter (*comes to the door*): Hi. No sorry, I think we may have Dubble Bubble—?
Hillbilly kid: No! I want “Hubba Bubba Bubble gum”!
Mike’s Daughter: But little guy, “Dubble Bubble” is just as good?
Hillbilly kid: No! I want Hubba Bubba!
Hillbilly dad: Forget about it. My son don’t want ya’ll crappy brand of gum anyway.
Mike’s Daughter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You do realize that we are handing out this candy for free? Why are you acting so entitled you damn hillbilly fu—
Mike Check: Calm down. It’s not worth it there darlin’?
Mike’s Daughter (*calms down*): I’m sorry…(*pauses*) But I think I have an idea of who I can ask? Just wait.
(*Mike’s Daughter goes into another room where she uses the seancetrolla to summon The ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper*)
Ghost of Roddy Piper (*goes to the front door with his shot gun*): I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and I’m all outta bubblegum!
Hillbilly dad: All outta what?! Who d’hell are yah? And why don’t yah put that pop gun away?
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Pop gun?! Oh, ya know, you people are lucky that I’m not holding a coconut, ask Snuka?! (*puts gun down*) So what’s this garbage I hear about you not showing some damn gratitude to Mike Check and his daughter for their generosity in offering you two snakes their candy that they’re givin’ to ya for nothing?!
Hillbilly dad: Well ma boy wants Hubba Bubba and this old cowboy wannabe ain’t got none?
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: You know sir, I know what it’s like to have kids. I have bunches of them. And what type of example are ya showing your son? You didn’t even teach him to say “Trick or Trick” and “Please and Thank Ya”?!
Hillbilly dad: Well “Please and thank ya, but fu—
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Oh, no no no! Ya nasty piece of…(*pauses*) Sorry, look, I think I might have what you want? (*gets a packet of Hubba Bubba out of his pocket*)
Hillbilly kid: Finally! (*grabs the gum from Piper’s hand and shoves it in his mouth*)
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: Ya know kid, you should take that candy home before you eat it?
Hillbilly kid: Shut u…(*the kids appearance transforms into The Fabulous Moolah*) Aagghh! What’s happening to me?!
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: You know, as I was saying, you should take the candy home before you eat it, and kid, you just ate my gum with the poison in it that I was originally gonna give to McMahon…and now you look like Moolah!
Hillbilly dad: What have you done!? My son looks like sum ugly old hag? I’m gonna sue ya…(*interrupted as a crazy driver in a car almost runs the hillbillies over which causes them to run away*).
The Ghost of Roddy Piper: And watch out for the “Idiot in Cars”! Ha Ha ha! (*Looks over to Mike Check and his daughter who are perplexed*) What? Too much? …Well Mike, why don’t ya have a Happy Halloween and Trick or Treat (*vanishes*).
Mike Check: Fascinating.