Monthly Archives: April 2016

Dirty Harry by Adam Ant

Foley: Sheriff Dickwell, after you went to Oklahoma and spoke with Jim what happened? Did you finally find Mike Check?

Dickwell: Well to summarize the “so-called” forth part of the story, on October 1 2012, Raging Demons and I didn’t find Mike at the Dollar General but we did a further stakeout on Angry Jim. We followed him to the arena in Oklahoma City where they were taping a WWE show for a “JR Appreciation Night”. We also happened to spot a woman who fit the description of Mike’s daughter, only now her bust size had changed in significant size, sneaking into the backstage area. That’s when I went undercover to observe Angry Jim while Demons sneaked backstage to follow her. Well while being distracted by Jim yelling at another announcer, known as “Cole”, backstage and inciting a brawl, Demons was kidnapped by Mike’s Daughter who then took him to back Mike Check’s home. I followed their tail and arrived there just in time to stop her from breaking Demons’ legs with a baseball bat…

Mike’s Daughter: (*sigh*) Still stealing 90’s movie references Harry? Now it’s “Misery”, so what else do I do, stab him with an Ice Pick like in Basic Instinct?

Dickwell: Look ma’am, can you explain why he was in so much fear being hand-cuffed to your bed?

Mike’s Daughter: I don’t…well speaking of “hand-cuffs” explain where you’ve been in the last few years?

Dickwell: (*sigh*)….You know what, screw this! The REAL reason I tried to find your dear old dad and why I’m here now is…I’m Mike Check’s son. Yes, he’s my father and that dead beat screwed my mother out of child support payments for years. So I did a little framing of Mike Check in order for him to serve some prison time. Yes, he did owe child support payments but not the over inflated $1,000,000 for 500 kids that I forged in the police report. So the police arrive and apprehend Mike but gave him a lesser sentence for proving some information on that corrupt warden from Folsom, and he was kept under House Arrest ever since. I, on the other hand, was arrested and placed in the slammer for three years for filing false reports! And you don’t want to know what they do to cops in there! And that whole time, I couldn’t stop wondering about how I was find out!? But the more important question right now is; (*points a 44 Magnum at Mike Check*) Do you feel lucky, well do ya Punk!?

Mike Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there son? I know a feller called B.M. Punk?

Dickwell: (*sigh*) You senile old…have you paid attention to anything I said…?

Mike’s Daughter: (*pleading*) Harry please no. Don’t shoot dad! It was me! I tipped off the authorities about you…

Dickwell: Shut up you whore, I don’t even care about that anymore! But before I shoot dear ole daddy, I have a big surprise that I want to show you all.

Mike Check: Oh boy, I love surprises there feller.

Dickwell (*face palms*) You’re really testing my patience, you really…(*shouts at someone who’s hiding behind the door*) Hey, it’s time to come out!

(*An elderly man enters the room*)

Mike’s Daughter (*gasp*): Sir Alec Heineken?!?!

….TO BE CONTINUED

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Informer by Snow

Foley: Sheriff Dickwell, I did some sleuthing on Google and came across a 4-part story written by Raging_Demons on Wrestlecrapradio.com (cheap plug) about you finding Mike Check, although I could only find parts one and two?

Dickwell: That’s because an injunction was placed on parts 3 and 4 due to its content being “G1 classified”.

Mike’s Daughter: G1 classified??? Are you ripping off “Rush Hour” references?

Foley (*to Dickwell*): Ah, well at the end of part two it mentioned that you were about to interview our very next guest. So to give us the third part of the story, is the “Informer” from Norman, Oklahoma; is “Good ole…sorry…”Angry” Jim Ross??

Angry Jim: Ah **** yourself! Speaking of “third”, I really wish that Taker threw you off the f****n’ Hell In A Cell a third time!

Foley: Ha Ha Ha, you were always a kidder JR. But anyway, apparently in 2012 the Sheriff arrived at your house and questioned you about Mike’s whereabouts?

Angry Jim:…Yes (*strokes his goatee*) I remember it like it was yesterday; “Fake Deal” and this ****head cop arrived at my house in late September where I was BBQing on my front porch with a shot-gun in hand…

[*Insert dream sequence*]

Angry Jim: F*** yourself cop! I’m not not BBQing naked, I’m not sellin’ Mexican fireworks and my sauce is safe! Why are ya ****ing arresting me again?!

Dickwell: Put down your weapon, we’re just looking for “Mike Check”. We believe he’s here and have a warrant to search your house.

Angry Jim: There’s no ****sucker called “Mike Check” here and haven’t seen him in years! It’s just me, my **** of an employee Hollywood John and my **** wife who’s probably upstairs smokin’ a cigar…and I’m not taking about the Tobacco kind!

Raging Demons: Um Okay, but R.V.M Kai, who works with me on Wrestlecrapradio.com, says that Mike Check sent you an email from the nearby Starbucks and the entire thing was posted in your mailbag column.

Angry Jim: I don’t have time to read all of my **** emails! Most of them are from marks and nerds!

(*They hear a crash coming from the cellar and race downstairs and see Hollywood John cleaning up several broken sauce bottles and bags of coins/cash from the floor*)

Angry Jim: That money is from my BBQ business! I swear!…(*turns to John*) You incompetent ****!

Hollywood John: Sorry Mr Ross. I was just trying to find the spare costume you said after I lost mine.

(*Jim is about to hit John with his training belt but Jim’s wife comes downstairs*)

Jim’s wife: What’s all the commotion down here? Jim, put that belt away…(*sees Dickwell and Raging Demons flirts*) Oh, hello there gentlemen…

Dickwell: Ma’am, maybe you might know the whereabouts of Mike Check; a bearded man in a cowboy hat?

Angry Jim: No, but I bet she knows the whereabouts of Johnny Age?! You’re ****ing him ain’t ya?!

Jim’s wife: No Jim. Uh, sorry Sheriff…oh wait, I saw a man like that this morning outside the Dollar General with some blonde who looked young enough to be his daughter.

Dickwell: Thank you maam, let’s go. (*RD and Dickwell turn to leave*)

Jim’s wife: Wait! Don’t you two handsome boys want to stay a while?

Angry Jim: No! Go **** yourselves! Not my wife!

[*End Dream Sequence*]

Angry Jim: And then I beat the **** outta them. The End. (*Jim then storms out the door and slams it shut*)

Mike Check: Fascinating.

Dickwell: Well, Jim wasn’t much of an “Informer” and that last part never happened…

Foley: Hold that thought, we’ll be back with more on that tomorrow. But now here’s a song by someone who became a butt of a lot of jokes that goes by the name “Snow”…and I’m shocked that his first name isn’t “Al”? Here’s “Informer” RIGHT HERE on Mike Check: This Is Your Life!

Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley / I’m a Lonesome Fugitive by Merle Haggard

Foley: So you…sorry I shouldn’t use “pro-nouns”…”Sheriff Harry Dickwell” arrested Mike Check and he later escaped from Prison?

Dickwell: The following information was provided in September 2012 by a man, who identified himself as “Raging Demons” from Wrestlecrapradio.com. He was also in the Sacramento area on the lookout for Mr. Check or else, he claimed, someone called ‘Premier Blah” was going to send a Zombie to eat his brains if he didn’t. I’m not sure if he was some sort of a fruitcake? But he was my only hope in finding Mike. He also told me that after he unsuccessfully trying to organize meetings with the warden at Folsom, he spoke to a prisoner who told him about a fellow inmate that fit Mike’s description, called “Al Catraz”, who was allowed some luxuries like making the morning announcements each day. He also eventually turned the intercom system into his own radio station calling it “KBRK, The Breakout”.

Mike Check: Hold on there feller, what you just said is untrue. The truth is…my station was called; KFOL “The Fol”, my name was Freddy Lamb Chop with Mindy “Jelly” Roll on “Mint Jelly on the Lamb” and we used to play the “Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis there in…THE SLAMMER!

Foley: Ah Mike, that wasn’t actually supposed to be a cue for you to play a song right now? But any-who…so Sheriff, was Mike calling himself Freddy or Al?

Dickwell: What? No, Mike’s alias is not even important to the case here. What was important was the fact that this happened to take place around the time when a woman, who I have identified as your daughter, aka “Clarabelle”…

Mike’s Daughter: “Clarabelle” is NOT my name by the way. Another lie…

Dickwell: Well whatever your name is Maam, you and the warden were seen headed to Lake Natoma Inn. So myself and a police squad headed to the location where we apprehended the warden, but you were nowhere to be found. The warden confessed that you had promised him sexual favors to have Mr. Check released on a “prison transfer” and that he also embezzled prison money to pay for your “cosmetic procedure”. Apparently, Mike’s prison transfer was for him to appear at a Horror Convention in Indianapolis for Wrestlecrap Radio in July 7, 2012. I contacted the “Days of the Dead Convention” organizers but they informed me that he had already left. Mike had now escaped and I, at that point, had no idea of Mike’s or his daughter’s whereabouts? That was until two months later when “Raging Demons”, who I mentioned before and who I first bumped into at the Inn where I arrested the warden, informed me that Mike Check had emailed a man called “Angry Jim” from Norman, Oklahoma. A man who was also under suspicion by the police for selling illegal Mexican Fireworks and Sauces that failed several health violations. So we back-traced that the message, which was also published on his website, and found that it came from a computer from a Starbucks in Oklahoma along route 66…

Foley: Hold that thought, we’ll be back tomorrow for more on Mike as a “fugitive” right here on “Mike Check: This Is Your Life”!

I Fought The Law by The Clash

Foley: So Sheriff Harry Dickwell is it? How did your search for Mike Check for his unpaid child support payments begin?

Dickwell: Well Mick, the Sheriff’s Department had been looking for a suspect, who we identified as “John Smith”, who had many unpaid debts for several years. The suspect had been untraceable to us since he went under several different aliases and traveling around the country to places that where beyond our jurisdiction. Then in June 26, 2009, we received a tip-off from a man called John Thomas, who worked at “Chase Master Charge”, who told us about a man who he identified as “Mike the Czech” who owed them a large sum of money and that he was regularly calling an Internet Radio show known as Wrestlecrap Radio. So I listened to the most recent episode that Mr. Check appeared on and he revealed that he was doing a remote called the “Summer Sizzlin’ Splashin’ Spectacular” from a “local gun show” in Dalton, Georgia . So I arrived in the vicinity but had just missed Mr. Check who just left via helicopter to the Cedar Rapids Air Show. I then followed him, which led me to seeing him outside a fireworks factory talking on a nearby public phone. I almost caught Mike just as I witnessed an unidentified elderly English gentlemen handing him a cigar, which he lit and caused an explosion.

Foley: You would think that Mike wouldn’t have survived?

Dickwell: Well we presumed that Mr. Check was deceased and his body was untraceable due to the explosion. But that’s what we thought…

Mike’s Daughter: Wait. Who’s “We”???

Mike Check: Hush darlin’, the nice Sheriff is speaking and ole Mike wants to know what happens next. Go ahead feller.

Mike’s Daughter: You want to know what happens!? Dad, it’s about you! (*sigh*) Never-mind, what’s the point?!

Dickwell: Ah, so as I was saying, Mike was caught in the act after he called Wrestlecrap Radio again pretending to be using a device from the Trolla Company called a “Seancetrolla” and claiming that he was…this is laughable…”calling from the dead”. Needless to say, Mike “Fought The Law But The Law Won” and was brought into custody and served a life sentence at Folsom Prison where he remained…until his escape.

Foley: Wow, this is a real interesting story, but we’ve of of time we’ll hear about Mike’s Prison stint tomorrow on “Mike Check: This Is Your Life”.

Back On The Chain Gang by The Pretenders

Foley: We here on THE MIKE CHECK SHOW would like to express our regret for the loss of Chin Shima, aka Jimichiro Rosshu, in yesterday’s C-4 explosion accident. He will be missed…

…(*record scratch sound effect*) but any-who, we were going to have Ringo on again but he said that he had to make a “costume change” and will be back in a few days…whatever that means? So instead, our next guest is…hey you’re not supposed to walk out yet?!

???: Mike Check, or should I say, John Smith, you’re under arrest.

Mike’s Daughter: Mick! Why did you bring HIM here you idiot?!

Foley: What? But? But why are you arresting ole Mike for? We’re trying to do a little show here? Ah…and that explosion yesterday was just an accident, honest.

Sheriff Dickwell: I don’t know what you’re talking about sir but my name is Sheriff Harry Dickwell. And I’m taking the suspect currently known as “Mike Check” into custody for unpaid child support payments that equal to over $1,000,000 for at least 30 kids in each of the 16 territories that Mr. Check used to work as a radio DJ in. That’s 480 kids in total. But I’m also arresting Mr. Check for fraudulent death, since he also faked his own death in attempting to escape his unpaid debts. And also for escaping from Prison. To say that this man is a dead beat dad would be an understatement.

Mick Check: I’m not sure that I understand that particular reference there feller? Mike Check is an innocent man and a good father, let me tell you, who has been wrongfully accused. The only thing that I’m guilty of is faking my own death, but it wasn’t for the reason that you all think. The timing of it was all just a co-incidence. In fact it wasn’t even planned at all, ole Mike just took advantage of that unfortunate circumstance in order to increase the sales of my T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers that my daughter, who’s a hell of a whiz-kid, sent over to RJ and Brad. Because you understand that when a celebrity dies their merchandise sales go up and…

Sheriff Dickwell: Mr Check, stop wasting my time.

Mike’s Daughter: Wasting your time??? Why don’t you tell the whole truth Harry?

Sheriff Dickwell: I’ll have to ask you to remain silent Mamm. And Mike, you’re coming with me back to Prison.

Mike Check: Well, goodbye there fellers. Looks like ole Mike’s “Back On The Chain Gang” there in…THE SLAMMER!

Foley: Wait! Seeing that this show is about to be cut short, but before you go can’t you at least give us the story about your hunt for Mike?

Dickwell: Well I surmise since Mr Check is wearing that police issued Ankle Bracelet, and he can’t go anywhere just yet, so I think I can stay and provide more details.

Foley: Well join us here tomorrow for that and more on “Mike Check: This Is Your Life!”

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

Foley (on cellphone): Uh-huh. Its like the weirdest thing. Here he is out of nowhere trying to talk to Mike Check–the guy that I’m doing this show for. Yeah so anyways here he is trying to “apologize” for whatever then Mike Check just kicks him in the balls, THEN his kid shows up. I try to break things up with the kid but the brat just bit me! Then he tears up the place. If it wasn’t fur Hughie then I don’t know what would happen. I know-I know taking the kids on tour isn’t a bright idea but since Noelle is coming soon for the show I thought a little family get together would be fun. Uh-huh. Okay, love you too. Bye. *hangs up cellphone*

Mike Check: Who was that you were you talking to Rick?

Foley: That was my wife on the phone. After that whole mess from yesterday she notified me that Jake Lloyd Sr. broke out of a psychiatric facility somewhere in South Carolina. He was in there because starring in “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” literally made him mentally insane! Just recently he broke out of that mental institution he was in, kidnapped his son out of a legal institution of his own getting ready to be adopted since he’s mentally unfit to take care of his son, and came here! And I thought some of the stuff that I did back in the day didn’t make any sense! I called the cops so they can get Father & Son out of here but the weirdest thing is after I told them where I was they laughed at me & gave me some phone numbers for a free clinic in the area which I though was rather odd?

Mike Check: Yeah the cops are pretty weird here.

Foley: Mike I have to say this. From one father to another and since we’ve heard and unfortunately seen your *cough* “exploits” since my daughter is coming here. If you do anything inappropriate to her; I won’t be held responsible for my actions.

Mike Check: I’m not sure I that understand that particular reference there Rick?

Foley: All right moving on now. Today’s guest has come all the way from Japan, a place dear to my heart for those infamous exploding barbwire matches I had with Terry Funk. We have also set up a ring surrounded by C-4 explosives right here in the studio for no apparent reason.

Mike Check: That looks a tad dangerous there Rick?

Foley: Ha Ha Ha, never-mind that Mike. Do you recognize this voice?

???: Check-san! You dishonor me with shame! Now I revenge get!

Mike Check: I’m not sure I…?

Foley: It’s one of your former radio co-hosts; Chin Shima!

Mike Check: That’s right. I remember this feller when we used to work the Yokohama, Japan market. I went under the name “Johnny Hero” and we were the “The Hero Shima Show”.

Chin Shima: You dishonor with shame Check-san for call me Chin Shima”! Real name Jimichiro Rosshu, one of 40 assistant manager of Fukya Selfu Robotics, also former All-Japan Puroresu number 1 announcer and cousin to redneck Angry Jim-san; who English commentary provide for inferior promotion New Japan! And Check-san, you bring dishonor for always dirty boot wearing in house! Then bring anger and shame to Jimichiro after have us fire at radio station for make disrespect!

Mike Check: I’m not sure what particular reference you’re making there feller? But are you talking about the time we had those wrestling tag-team fillies from All-Japan called “The Jumping Bomb Angels” on the show? I’m not quite sure what I said that was offensive about: “How about you fine bombs make like WW2 and jump on Hero n’ Shima”. It got us fired and ole Mike deported and blacklisted…but I’m glad that I can laugh about it now.

Chin Shima a.k.a. Jimichiro Rosshu: Aghhh! Laugh about!? You dishonor all Japan with bombing war comment of disrespect! It your fault Check-san that wife filled with shame and stop sex date since many year with Jimichiro! I now revenge have and choppy choppy Mike-san pee-pee with Katana!

Ringo: (*walks in*) Mick, was I supposed to be the guest again today?…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*looks over to Ringo and calms down*) Ringo Starr-san from Beatle that is you?

Ringo: Yes chap, would you be a fan?

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*now happy*) Hai. Use to sing Beatle song when wife have sex date regular until she cheat with drummer bakka…(*stares more closely at Ringo and becomes angry again*) That you leave wet drumstick at Jimichiro house front Genkan! You also bring disgrace Jimichiro with more dishonor!

Foley: Hold on guys, there’s C-4 around the place, so don’t…

Jimichiro Rosshu: (*not paying attention to Foley*) Aghhh! Now choppy choppy YOUR pee-pee! (*Jimichiro runs with his Katana towards Ringo but accidentally steps on a hidden C-4 bomb and explodes*)

Foley: Ah, Medic! …Well here’s a song by an American band who were also a big hit in Japan, no pun intended, it’s “Cherry Bomb” by The Runaways here on MIKE CHECK: THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

Anakin’s Theme by John Williams / Problem Child by AC/DC

Foley: OK our next guest should be coming up shortly–

*Door opens and an unknown person walks in*

???: Excuse me. Whoops didn’t know that there was something going on here. I’ll show myself the way out–Hey aren’t you Mick Foley?!?

Foley: That’s me…right here in Folsom California! *thumbs up, cheap pop*

???: What are you doing here?

Foley: I owe something to this guy here named Mike Check so we are doing a “This Is Your Life” show all about him.

???: Mike Check? Funny I’m here to see him about something.

Mike Check: Hope your not a bill collector there feller.

Jake Lloyd Sr: No not exactly. My name is Jake Lloyd. Last year I kind of had a self-destructive path going on in my life that I decided to go out on a three week binger across the states. I dropped my son somewhere here in Folsom as a tip to some skanky stripper and took off. Unfortunately for me I ended up arrested in Charleston, South Carolina for getting myself in a high-speed car chase.

Mike Check: Jake…Lloyd. Why does that name sound familiar?

Mike Check’s Daughter: I know! That’s the brat Jake Lloyd Jr’s dad! The kid that used your crotch Dad as a kicking bag and ruined a few of my good custom bras! You know how much it costs to get a custom bra? A lot of money Mick! A lot!

Jake Lloyd Sr.: I’m sorry for what my kid did to your home, your bras and *cough* your crotch there sir. My kid has always been a precocious type of child. I was not like that myself at Jake’s age and I was in “Jingle All The Way” instead. After I got myself out of jail I lost custody of my son while he was placed in a new home. I fought long and hard through the courts to get my son back and I just want to say…I’m sorry for what my son did and thank you for taking care of him.

Mike Check: Sorry huh? Here’s what I think about your apology!

Jake Lloyd Sr.: Wait! What are you doing?!?

*Mike Check kicks Jake Lloyd Sr. in the crotch*

Mike Check: That’s for all the times your son kicked me in the family jewels! And here’s for the time your kid spent his time here in my home! *Mike Check kicks Jake Lloyd Sr. in the crotch again* And here’s for that time I was forced to wear that metal bikini! Do you know how much that thing chaffs? *Kicks Jake Lloyd Sr. in the crotch again*

*Jake Lloyd Jr. enters the Mike Check Home*

Jake Lloyd Jr: Daddy I got bored of waiting so I thought I come in and–*Sees Mike Check kicking his dad Jake Lloyd Sr in the crotch repeatedly* What are you weirdos doing to my daddy?!?

Jake Lloyd Sr: (barely speaking): Avenge me my son. The Force is strong within our family. *Jake Lloyd Sr passes out*

Jake Lloyd Jr (crying): I’ll hurt you weirdos for what you did to my daddy! *Jake Lloyd Jr charges at Mike Check but Mick Foley picks him up*

Foley: Easy there kid. I know what Mike Check did to your daddy is not right and all– *Jake Lloyd Jr bites Mick Foley thus forcing to drop him*

Foley: OW! Why I oughta!

Mike Check’s Daughter: Jake Lloyd Jr is a problem child Mick! You can’t control him!

*Jake Lloyd Jr starts throwing random stuff at everybody in the house*

Mike Check: He’s a little holy terror that’s what he is! *ducks*

Foley: *ducks* Wait! Wait! I know John Cena Jake! You want to meet him?

Jake Lloyd Jr (dropping what he was about to throw): You know John Cena? YIPPEE!!! Can I meet him?!?

Foley: Sure. Just let me get my phone rreeaall….ssllloowwllyy and nnoooww–HUGHIE!

*Hughie Foley, Mick Foley’s youngest child comes out, ambushes Jake Lloyd Jr and gives him his own version of The Socko Claw until he passes out*

Foley: Like father, like son!

Mick and Hughie Foley: Bang! Bang!

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