Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang by Dionne Warwick
Foley: Well since I’ve had to cancel the past weeks guests due to Sheriff Dickwell literally crashing our party and Ringo being out cold, I don’t have a guest planned Mike. So the chair next to me will be empty tonight…
Mike Check: That’s okay feller, I was hoping not to meet any more of your disastrous guests anyway.
Foley: Well that’s not exactly true because did a little tweeking to the line-up and what I would like to do right now is kick back, relax and interview one of the wildest men that the world of wrestling has ever known. So all the way from Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, say hello toooooo…”Cactus Jack”!
(*Foley transforms into his “Cactus Jack” alter ego and transforms back-and-forth throughout the interview*)
Mike Check: Where is he there feller?
Cactus Jack: I’m here. So you think this is some sort of joke Mick? Just like you thought that it was funny those times when you broke Mike’s windows in your youth?
Foley: Well ah…
Cactus Jack: Shut your mouth! You think Mike doesn’t realize that we both talk with the same mouth, walk with the same legs, and breathe with the same lungs? Yet there are distinct differences between the two of us Mick because you have no heart, no guts and no spine.
Foley: Hey, hold on hot shot. You’re talking to the man who lost an ear in a match against Vader in Germany.
Cactus Jack: No Mick! Are you suffering from “amnesia”? I’m the one that had that ear ripped right off. You’re the one who limps around the conventions, telling jokes and getting fat eating at Croce’s, you gluttonous son of a bitch! I’m sick and tired of you living off the reputation that my body wrote!
Foley: Wait, hold on…
Cactus Jack: Hey! I’m calling the shots around here! So this past week, you had a madman here with a 44 Magnum and a big-nosed Englishman threatening ole Mike here, and you know what you did? YOU DID NOTHING MICK! I wouldn’t have pointed the Sheriff toward that C-4, I would have surrounded it with barb-wire and DDT’d him right into it! I wouldn’t have waited for some “mark” to do a run-in, I would’ve blasted Gonzo with a barb-wire baseball bat! Oh sure, you got lucky by being the funny man, but the fact is; you lost the heart, the drive and the guts years ago!
Foley: But, that wasn’t my…
Cactus Jack: I said shut your mouth! (*starts punching himself in the forehead*) Shut it! Shut! Agh! Duh!
Mike Check: Whoa feller, calm down there. Words can’t explain what ole Mike’s witnessing now. Oh, I have one word…Fascinating.
Mick Foley: (*turns back into Foley permanently*) Sorry Mike. I guess I need to take more care when letting my split personalities out. Well seeing that “Mr. Bang Bang” didn’t work out so well, how about ole Mickey make it up to you with a little “Mr. Kiss Kiss” then (*jokingly puckers his lips at Mike*)?
Mike Check: No.