Gallifreyan Buccaneer by Colin Baker
Foley: Okay our next guest is–
*The show comes to a complete halt as the sounds of VWOORP-VWOORP can be heard as a blue box instantaneously appears in the middle of the Mike Check home*
Doctor (as he steps out of the blue box): Stay in The TARDIS Clara, I don’t know what that THING will do to you. I don’t want you dying. *closes the door to The TARDIS but it isn’t shut closed* You! *points to Mike Check*
Mike Check: The filly blocker! Darlin’ bring me my baseball bat!
Foley (who gets in between The Doctor and Mike Check): Now wait a minute here! What’s going on with you two?!? You first! *Points to The Doctor*
Doctor: Well I detected an anomaly in the space-time dimensions that apparently ended up here in HIS *points to Mike Check* home. Somehow he knows about Gallifreyan technology as he made it easy to find it with my Sonic. After I retrieved the anomaly and tried to destroy it somewhere in Stanford, Connecticut I was ambushed by some man with a large nose and a shaved head.
Foley: Wait that sounds like Triple H. Did Triple H “pearl harbored” you?
Doctor: I don’t know why the bombing of a major harbor somewhere near Hawaii which heralded Japan’s entry into World War II is of any significance to you but after that devolved gorilla ambushed me. I head back in The TARDIS to what was my intended plan was to see HIM *points to Mike Check* again to ask some questions but I had a little detour.
Doctor: You know *sigh* Daleks, Cybermen, Silurians, Fractures, an intergalactic deity that released would destroy the universe. The usual which you cannot comprehend.
Foley: Ookay? Now you. *points to Mike Check*
Mike Check: That filly blocker was the worst of the bunch when we had a whole bunch of weirdness that happened last year. Ole Mike’s had Robots, Time-Traveling Doctors, and Huey Lewis, mistake me for that Triple A feller there you mentioned Rick until…until…
Mike Check’s Daughter: Say it dad! SAY IT! Ronda Rousey made my dad tap Mick.
Foley: Whoo-hoo! That’s my girl Ronda there. Wait-ooh. Sorry. I have the solution to this problem; at least I think I do. While doing research for this show and talking to RD Reynolds; I came across Mike Check’s old job over at Wrestlecrap Radio, or as Mike calls it WWCR, and there are forums posts about Mike. Specifically about how Mike Check is alive after all this time. One of the popular theories out there is that Mike Check is an alien from another planet and more specifically an alien called a “Time Lord”.
Doctor: A-HA! Wait I thought I got rid of all references of Time Lords and myself here on this planet?
Foley: Well apparently you forgot one pal.
Mike Check: I didn’t come from no Gal Friday! I was born and raised here in the good ole U.S.A. by Momma and Pappa Check!
Doctor: That’s GALLIFREY you moron! Where is it?!?
Mike Check: Don’t know what you’re talking about!
*Both men struggle until Mike Check is accidentally thrown in the blue box’s/TARDIS’ doors, the doors are accidentally opened and Mike Check accidentally falls inside the TARDIS. The doors to the TARDIS are suddenly shut closed as the sounds of VWOORP-VWOORP can be heard as a blue box instantaneously disappears*
Mike Check’s Daughter: DAD! Where’s my Dad?
Doctor: How should I know? He took off in MY TARDIS! Which is proof right there he is in fact a Time LORD! Your “DAD” could be anywhere in time or space!
Mike Check’s Daughter: Time and space! Its a Time Machine?!? But-But Einstein’s Relativity Theory states–
Doctor: Albert Einstein is an idiot!
*Sounds of VWOORP-VWOORP can be heard as a blue box instantaneously reappears again in the middle of the Mike Check home. The doors to the TARDIS are opened as Mike Check reappears leaving The TARDIS*
Mike Check: OK Darlin’ I’ll be right back. I gotta go get some cigarettes and–I’m back home?
Mike Check’s Daughter: DAD! Where were you?
*A woman steps out of The TARDIS looking like a mess and wearing only a blanket for clothes.*
Doctor: CLARA! Oh my god!
Clara: Mike please return to bed. Its very lonely without you in it.
Mike Check’s Daughter: *sniffs* Smells of sweat and desperation. Looks like she’s had a hell of a time. My dad had sex with her…OH MY GOD MY DAD HAD SEX WITH HER!
Doctor: What happened Clara?!?
Clara: Well…when Mike came in The TARDIS he was panicking as to why he was in there. Luckily I was hiding like The Doctor said since I didn’t know what Mike was going to do. The doors closed and Mike was frantically trying to push any button trying to open the doors. Then he suddenly saw me and he accidentally pulled one of the levels and next thing we knew The TARDIS took off.
Doctor: A-HA! He is a Time Lord!
Clara: At times Doctor you don’t even know what you are doing yourself! Anyways…The TARDIS landed and the doors automatically opened and the next thing we knew we were in some sort of tropical paradise; I was scared since you weren’t there Doctor but Mike put in that charm of his and I knew we were going to be OK. *Clara grabs Mike Check’s hand* Next thing I knew we fell in love and Mike was doing things to me no man has ever done to me. In fact one time Mike put my ankles between my head and–
Mike Check’s Daughter: PLEASE DON’T GO THERE! I just had lunch.
Foley: Yeah please don’t go there.
Clara: OK. We spent a week there at that planet when Mike wanted to grab a smoke. I wanted to be close to him *snuggles Mike Check* then he accidentally pressed a button and now we’re here. Can we please go back to bed Mike? *Clara nibbles on Mike Check’s ear* I’ll let you do that thing we did…with the paddles.
Mike Check: Well if you insist–
Doctor: I think that’s enough! *The Doctor grabs Clara, puts her back in The TARDIS and then sighs* I don’t know what you did to Clara but after I take care of her, I’m coming back for you Mike Check! And you will tell me where Gallifrey is!
*The Doctor gets back in The TARDIS, closes the doors and the sounds of VWOORP-VWOORP can be heard as a blue box instantaneously disappears*
Mike Check (mumbles): Stupid Gallifreyan Buccaneer.
Mike Check’s Daughter and Foley: What was that?!?
Mike Check: Nothing…Feller